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"he knows
he knows
he knows I’d love
to see him happy
or as close as possible
as close as is allowed…"
I ate breakfast in The PrimeBurger
ya know, sausage/egg/cheese sandwich, mug of tetley tea
walls all wood veneer
everything looking like it did in my childhood
when we’d, say, visit family in Detroit
stuff old already when I was young
but taken care of
– paper lace doilies under the condiments
row of stools
mirrors
framed picture of the skyline
with big letters underneath:
"N E W Y O R K"
the guys who work here are old and heavy
not Old in an Old way
but not a bunch of 24 year old hipsters fresh from elsewhere
New York Guys
This Is Their Life
the music is from before my childhood as well
"Little Surfer… little surfer girl"
I’m hear with my parents
sitting alone at the bar
drinking tea
little boxes of cereal on offer
beautiful pictures of pancakes and syrup
from the heartland
even little signs advertising sweet potato fries is colored like the 70s…
this is their life
their every day life
they have to get the gas fixed in the building
keep the counters clean
talk on the phone about payroll
bubbles of life
how has this been maintained from the… 50s? 60s?
old New York…
one of them at least
but this is their life
and though I’m enjoying the anachronism of just being here
my heart instantly turns melancholic
I can squeeze sadness from a sugarcube
I love these people
god knows
I could not live like them
I’m not such a good actor
nor have the genuine heart for it
all my life
living has been a mystery to me
I’m always surprised and confounded
I function by writing it out as if I understand it
to try it on
so I imagine I love these men
I imagine they know what they’re doing
they’ve accepted their lot in life
they do their duties
have their buddies
their wives
their homes…
I borrow them
I walk through
I taste them
but ah
I’m grateful to have the opportunity
but I have no idea how long any of this can go on
it doesn’t seem to make sense
to me
but of course
it’s gone on this long
it will probably outlast me
I hope I don’t do anything to increase the entropy…
my mere observation…
ah!
in other news
I find I have three sets of keys this morning
and remember the wane of my wandering days
when I would find keys in my bag
not knowing to what door where in the world it would go
I feel like I’m back there, all of a sudden
hands in my pocket
heart stretched
loving
holding my tongue
I wish
I wish I was
I wish I wish I wish I was
happy and content
grateful is a good consolation, though, right?
I’m glad to be grateful
and maybe things will make more sense some day
I hope I can help
oh, in other news
I compared Jorge’s face to a picture I took when I first met him
and he’s so changed
I’m pretty sure another actor slipped in while he was under that beard and hair
he’s the same person
but entirely different
the force of life-changing
innocent by-stander
ha!
.
:.:
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