Month: June 2011

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gifts
I like them

look
I’m smiling

this hat
too

I have on my pearls
and then there’s dinner

across
we’re together for a moment

stymied
in attention

days days days
the heat keeps us from sleeping

though my imagination is fuzzy
my emotional response is clearer

and I see the city playing
many floors into the future

we’re on time with the rain
enough money and time

patience and presence
listening

enough for my needs
tonight I’ll rest in my own

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again
it’s nearly three
I wish to be sleeping five hours ago
(I gotta learn)

what to say of today?
another gift
lunch with a friend
the walking
the sweating
the working on bodies
how I love touching bodies

in extreme today

after work on the roof
the E.S.Building purple and blue
the moon orange

I’m surprised at how much hair I’ve grown in a week

I’ll give myself 33 days of growth and see how it looks
but will have to trim it then…

I imagined myself yesterday
or this morning
with a wide-brimmed straw hat
then he gave me one

grasping at the feeling of gratitude and joy…

but I find I haven’t lost those
they are now just weighted with those of sorrow and judgement

but it’s all still there

nothing to complain about

.d

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it takes more muscles to frown than smile

but really
I’ve been grateful
very

today I woke
feeling pretty good in my body
with the compulsion to do some excersize and concentration
a beautiful morning walk through the village where people were nice and flirty
or white
and more like me than in my neighborhood

I met Gerald
we(mostly me) had a bowl of granola and fruit
then up the A to the B to 81st
across the park
pulled anyway to Ben’s

saying Fathers are just humans
perfect targets for compassion and forgiveness and love

impossible to ever pay them back for the damage they’ve done
or the sacrifices they made
the blessings they bestowed

impossible

I refused to take part in his war against fathers

he felt sad to me
I felt i said what I could
but that I was ineffectual
or out of place

we left as he was beginning more picketing

but went to the Met
saw the Alexander McQueen show
oh
Yeah…
the beads and balsa wood
the masks and facial plates
horse hair

(I’m passing out
like during last night’s writing
— stalling out in the middle of words)

(and then I was gone. blinked out in the blackness. woke slowly in stutters into this humid morning… locked still in this trecal feeling. eyes worn out… can I recount… can I carry on in all my imperfection?)

listened to "Sorry For The Delay" by Grizzly Bear this morning,
face timed with Denny
spent some time hanging on sexual energy to pull myself out of my Malaise…

here it is
midday
and I’m just getting back to work
if "work" can be wrapped around recapitulation
if self-awareness can be called Work
the work I do…

Yesterday, the night before
for days since my 300 "happy birthday"s
I was soaring in a blissful mania
more important for the sense of live and gratitude I felt
and yesterday’s walk with Gerald continued that
Manic: with Kevin Barnes manic chirpings escaping my lips
"Unicorns eating baby meat
-here’s a dragon rape if you want one.
…soak us in animal blood"
all sounding like the best night at the disco
with bi-polar schizophrenic paranoias
love song
fits perfect for me in NYC
"Ternage Unicorn Fisting"
"Don’t treat me like a tourist"

but somewhere in acting class
after walking with blistering feet in agony
I was a bad improved with a bad partner
and felt the heat of shame and failure rise and cover me

I wanted to escape and evaporate
I felt like I was on messy dulling drugs
– I’d had nothing but mint lemonade and Labnae

I met with Ian at Tony’s
we were both bleary eyed and distracted
I was depressed from class
or ben
or Alexander
or not being able to connect
I wanted to smoke and drink and obliterate myself
he gave me Nux Vomica
and I headed off to The Ranch: Jorge’s
where I tried not to be in a foul mood
had fun
happy to see them all
a week’s birthday dinner
excellent Piñon
and we rattled
here is part of a recording of it

www.dominicvine.net/recordings/ranchrattling.m4a

but then I flipped into my clear decisive description as to why we weren’t doing our road trip
which was sad and frustrating
but I think I was able to stay present through most
but I was sad and exhausted
and decided to leave
already past midnight
I called Leo on the walk to the train
and talked with him long enough to walk all the way back to Tony’s
–perhaps why I passed out before finishing my writing

but I was sad, still
still feeling the gratitude
but not blissed or excited
sad
talking about how my time with Leo made me feel like a superficial child

I could tell a story any way
any perspective
any spun
so why get mired in this sadness?
is it fun?
of course he did what he always does
telling me it’s great I’m aware of these things
it’s how I’ll grow
oh, but to know my flaws… is it really helping?
of course: I’m grateful
and he said he’ll still be telling me it’s good I’m aware of my flaws long after he’s dead

well
I’m grateful and tired and trying hard
but I’m glad
and thankful
so
Thanks.

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i often wonder if I’m an imbecile or a savant

today I practiced with (the angel) Gabriel
and a few days ago with Mari
I felt reality clicking in
and I wonder if most people are in full presence all the time
or more than I am
or easier than I am
or even further estranged from It

I felt emotions swimming between us
almost able to articulate them

still
it is exhausting and I am awkward

then
anyway
then
oh
I felt so sick and skittish
like I felt yesterday at mid day
lost in the apartment

I feel best in movement
as soon as I went out to eat
with the singing bowls
I got in conversations that made me feel more full in my body

oh
in practice today I really felt how comfortable I feel when closed down
and how boring they is
and how very terrified I can feel open and vulnerable grappling to be present with myself and another person…

I wanted to lay naked in the sun
but no such luck
after the angel left I wasted a few hours feeling scattered, eating a brownie and going crazy on scruff
I don’t even want to have sex right now
the compulsion is just absurd

only shortly after I got back to my place Jorge got there

I listened to "Like a Tourist" on my walk home last night
the lines
"Unicorns eating baby meat
— here’s some dragon rape if you want some"
"soak us in animal blood"

and I stood on the sidewalk massaging a beautiful bear/boy/beast
tumescent and connected…

after cutting J’s hair
I made him do pushups, pull ups and some core-strengthening yoga
then i put up the picture of the green-sands beach
put my clothes away
and taped my fraying wire on my headphones

we jetted down town on the subway
eating oil on the platform waiting
rubbing it into out exposed pates

we spoke of how he looked kinda like "the standard Bear" now
but as the oil kicked in I started photographing him
we got tickets for Film Socialismé, Jean-Luc Godard’s new film
then grabbed slices of Joe’s
stood outside IFC eating them
as some sculptor approached Jorge and asked to photograph him
"I sculpt interesting people… of newspaper"
his battery was dead
I let him use mine to take some snaps and send them to himself

the movie had three acts
the first I was engrossed
even though I cared little for the political plot
I loved the construction
(varying digital qualities, which I always love… strange word overlays to accentuate ideas. no easy subtitles. guerilla filming in a captive space)
the middle act I found tedious
and very high
I scrunched down in a private seat and dimmed the screen
correcting the sculpters email, sharing with Jorge through email, uploading to flickr & facebook
and photographing the remained of the film as it began to entertain my attention again
it was inspiring

out on the street we quickly ran into a group of people who knew him
they called across Carmine and we went over to singing and dancing in Spanish
they shouting his name
all enthusiasm
Love
& glasses

we then went to the Mexican cart
got a tongue quesadilla
and I now like NYC Mexican food better than California’s
I’m just very glad to be here

I started explaining the practice I’m doing to him
and we went to Julius’ to have a drink and do some Pinch&Ouch repetition
we’re able to be pretty present with eachother when we try:
we’re friends

the music became amazing and I started singing instead:
Shakespear’s Sister
That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore
The Boy with the Thorn in His Side

7 plays for $2
I put on
Carrie-Anne (where my sister got her name)
Midas in reverse (liked the title, not the song)
Rum and Coca Cola
Do The Hustle
Let ‘Em In
Sax and Violins
Memories Can’t Wait

beautiful
split a burger, had Guinness
had table service
and such kindness

the world was just loving us tonight

and then home

alright
thanks again
now
to rest!

–"I pulse in order to enchant
realizing receptivity."

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already I’m exhausted
or it’s nearly 3 am
much walking
orgasm
and two glasses of wine
or

still
in this city
time enough to be on time for a movie
perfect timing
by chance
time enough to fold some laundry
see a client
get a ride down town

time enough at the flea market to not buy $100 night shirts
a dollar per year
old French linen
a million things I don’t need

exhaustion
filled up
car ride down
open the suv door not to kill a bike messenger

home in time to welcome Gerald in
talk
listen to music
and go eat some Thai
here I am
I live here
some wandering (mmmm)
the Woody Allen movie
well, he’s not my taste
but we them had a drink & nachos at Merchants on 7th
and I walked him to the door of the hotel
them headed down 8th
only to a beautiful hulk
or the perfect bear for me
who I’ve met before a few times
who’s living with his parent in chelsea right now
thick grey chest hair
the perfect bear-boy
sweet
we kiss and talk and scratch and rub
massage eachother for a bit on the street

drug dealers trying to sell me Charley
some muscled guy
knows his area
but I am not his market
crumbling walking against 8th ave
of Montreal drowning away
I got home and now must melt entire

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Today I obtained White Solar Wizard
for some reason the dreamspell seemed timely

the art piece at central park south/east
my dad’s a Pisces rabbit as well

when the flood comes
the fish devour everything
the end for the new beginning

we went to the apple store together
my home button was broken
gave me another phone
he bought a white one
switched sims
now I’ve got it:

I named it White Solar Wizard
14 years ago I was told that’s what I am:

" I pulse in order to enchant
realizing receptivity.
I seal the output of timelessness
with the solar tone of intention.
I am guided by the power of heart."

i spent 8 hours with him
mostly joy
but I am still wrestling with some intense emotions

oh, it’s good
it’s fine

I was going to see another friend
but he had to have dinner with a friend
who recently started dating David Byrne and wanted his take on him
hmmmm

I was tired
was going to go to sleep
after Thai
but walked out
pulled by scruff
and picked up a beautiful slab of meat
to do some more healing work on
and love and love and
a thousand dollars
a forgotten hat
a Mongolian
a drunken quarter injun
some terror
some beauty
compulsively wishing, hoping, praying
is there some endless returning?

I practice:
"I don’t like that"
"no"
"I’m thinking"

and walk on by
walk on by…

this really isn’t much
I buzz my lips
sometimes adding hum
this really isn’t much
I have so much to do…

I pulse in order to enchant
realizing receptivity.

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ah
I have some clarity about why I must stop being a night owl:

when I run myself ragged and raw
all of the darkest suggestions overtake me
I think stupid ignorant thoughts
bitter and vile
alone in the dark
body in pain from ill-use
faculties depleted

the day started well
waking at 9
attended a class at 10
walked around the village I’m visiting
ate a breakfast sandwich for lunch
had a great Meisner practice with Mari
actually connecting and being present for a few moments
good conversations with George
who was in a slew of movies I saw as a kid
beautiful day
up to my apt
four loads of laundry
and backing up the phone (the home button is shot: I’ve gotta switch it out)
and amazing meeting/massage with a tall man with a name I’d never encountered before
beautiful blissful connection
but I had a previous date
and rushed and was late to it anyway
only to find it forced
I found him so beautiful
but he was a…

Ha!
who are we?
M-e was telling me we are the top triangle of the pyramid of humanity
I’m sure others believe we’re Lemurians
or merely chosen by God
I don’t want to see it as an elitist hierarchy
with me being the winner
but I was with a guy who was intelligent and experienced, loving alive and appreciative
then another who talked about trash tv
his multiple strokes, diabetes, and disappointments
all surrounded by pathetic vapid opulence
they’re different camps
I relate to one better than the other
both may be superficially beautiful to me
but only one is in entirety
and so the second was a sad waste of time
and adorable overstuffed leprechaun
who extracted a price for my excessive attempts at pleasure

oh wait
is it a night-owl situation or the sex situation
pretty much every time I’ve had sex for many months I have felt bad afterwards

less and less

the first man was very different
three hours of body adoration and mutual appreciation
that’s what is good for me
and right now
it’s all I can tolerate

I’m not sure what I need
but I know I have to discipline myself into the correct constraint for creativity
"like a nib on a pastry bag…"

today
my favourite word in the repetition was
"Concentration"
I could say that word for hours…

.iP

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another beautiful inspiring day

old friend for (*) breakfast

fun walk around the villages…
(crepes! licorice root!)

excellent class: I’m learning!

then
The Intelligent Homosexual’s Guide To Capitalism and Socialism, With A Key To The Scriptures

Woah.

then a great conversation with Marcel
of which I offer 8 minutes recorded with my iPhone about my main understanding of why Not to Commit Suicide:

dominicvine.net/recordings/heldhere.m4a

.iP

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I guess I can simply say
I’m pretty happy to be me today
all struggles within and aside
I’ve had good dreams
kisses
food
friends
love

thank you
all

.iP