http://eventwizard.de/sonicare.php?q=dominic-vine
.iP
>
>
>
> after I left you
> I walked across town to get on the 1 train at 7th ave
> but on 6th ave was an old black man playing trumpet
> it bounced around the emptying city
> all that angular cement…
> I gave him a dollar and change
> and talked with him a bit
> his stories of being in Macon Georgia working with Otis Redding
> living in “BrookLine” in a nice middle class neighborhood (before they let the Hispanics in, which brings the crime rate up)
> he said he was late
> should have been here in the afternoon, but…
>
> it was midnight
> he was starting and stopping
> pacing over the grating
> telling me his dental adhesive was causing trouble with his mouthpiece embouchure
> he talked longer than I felt like listening
> but listening is worth far more than pocket change…
> that what I’ve always tried to give street people
>
> just before I went underground at 7th & 50th
> I could still hear the trumpet bouncing around the walls of the city
> a train arrived right away
> and the girl I sat next to complimented me on two of the shirts I was wearing
>
> she was a gemini as well
> as I read a print out Tony gave me
> talking about how now was a great time to focus, discipline, manifest my true creative career
> and a an important part of that being allowing Mentorship
> and all this had to do with Pisces somehow…
>
> sleepy
> but thanks
> made it home warm
> and happy with the whole experience
> what a joyful day
>
> I will allow myself to sleep in this morning…
>
>
>
> .iP
character…
I wondered today
perhaps myself is someone who knows and understands
has patience and pride
all aspects of the Regular Joe
and in the folly of my youth
I fell in love with fiction
and created in thine own image
a character
wise and wiley
wild and raw
screaming and running through the kingdom
scratching around for a trap door to escape through
what if I woke up
half my life later
and shed the costume?
waking up bleary eyed
brushing my teeth and hair
donning back my suit
and heading out into the town
looking for honest work…
.iP
I’ve been pining for safety since aries’s start this year
the revelation that it would be so much easier, nicer
to trust the government
trust the big oil, the media
the pharmaceutical companies
all those things I have a base distrust for
I have a base distrust for most everything
knowing things clearly from the outside
but not easily perceiving their inner…
feeling them
my imagination of knowing everything in actual…
re…
Real
I was saying…
“Reality” refers to the Kingdom
for them monotheists… or even monomoralists; monoidealists…
belonging to The One True Flow malarky
all movement is hummingbirds and dragonflies
the only truth is the breath
not that which moves it
inhalation and exhalation are playing the Game
which makes it Story
a friend said
of course you can’t trust everything
that’s how democracy works
things happen
through many reasons
striving or greed
it is the people’s duties to call bullshit
to hem in those with power out of control
or integrity
that’s the world we live in!
here
in America…
Freedom…
but wouldn’t it be nice?
one of the many reasons I’m getting back into acting is to play characters that Believe
to be in that trust
move with conviction
to put aside the whole world
and trust some writer
any other belief I may have
I’m good at that
only temporarily
and being different people will give me the opportunity to test these feelings and lives…
hungry for life
eating them up
such a divine feast…
(old habits die hard)
.iP
move a muscle
pull it tighter
stay hungry
this book is called
Sex at Dawn
read it
and
let’s make a movie of it
a TV show
a pop record…
.iP
heart crack open
lay here in the cold wind blowing
suffer through it
to look up at the stars (lost in new york city)
remember laying here with Leo
or Dan
remember loving
or trying to
not just family
but that wish of a father
brother
father/brother
a second night of photos
over so much sooner
I’m in these
here and there
ghostly thin
it means something different now
apparently
remember days of freedom
horrible freedom
lost freedom
looking for love
everything I touch is the last
last time it’s this
last time I’ll
here
here and there
little bits
throwing away so much of it
with Leo laying next to me
lanterns swinging in the wind
our bodies tight to keep warm
the stars…
all those mornings he woke me up and I was grumpy
all those times I’ve found his love unsatisfactory
all those times he was my dear father
and mischievous friend
all those times I had to get away
the last time
last breakfast
last driving away
and back again
last evening meal
no big deal
thanks for the mamories
I almost napped for a while this afternoon
between too lovers
one selfish, the other giving
one desired, the other appreciated
snoring in the late afternoon sun
naked bodies, mostly smooth
the hair of my legs on fire in the long light
sandwiched between the two
I love…
this feeling
but i know their disconnect
and nothing will cone of this
the last man I fell in love with
back when I fell in love
I don’t know what he thinks of me now
if he ever does
lying here with Leo, with Danny J
remembering Wanting to be in love
Robert & Robert
all the secret children… tj, michael, daniel, matt
Say you love me
cone back and say you love me
back to life
back to health
back to the other end of the line
dance with me
give me pain
share the view
wander the streets with me
one last time
one last time
before we’re all reborn
caring more about the project
or statement
or
I don’t even know
my useless youthful longings are in the last weeks of their life
I wanted someone to share that with
mourn that passing
welcome the new
but those stories are over
I’m in the land of cool distraction now
calculated successes
quiet structure
I’m at the threshold
I can see it there
things will be grand
things
but where will the wonder…
the endless wishing…
last night I dreamt…
(..no harm
just another false alarm)
.iP
I feel I’m stuck on the surface
only seeing the skin of people
never knowing their feelings
I imagine most people sit with each other
in each other’s emotions
feeling eachother
knowing the inner flows of who they are with
perhaps no one does
perhaps that’s just another misunderstanding I have about life
in my long long list of confusions
am I so stupid?
how am I to know anyone?
I said to Leo:
I’m finding it so difficult to let go of you
and realize my fear and pain is knowing he’s already let go of me
he can let go of everything
but Jesus
and himself
…
I know nothing
we spent the evening, three hours, going through a box of photographs
he has three such boxes
half of the pictures were of tge chapel and house
and all the other churches
I feel such a fool
knowing him ten years and never knowing
the most important part of his life has always been church
a type of play-acting I can never take seriously
but is The Most Real to him
with me he’s always shared his hedonism
which I found, frankly, lacking
I knew his wine and food and lust
the rest we didn’t connect on
I’m horrified that I was a boy toy
a child
I’ve always wanted a Daddy, a Mentor
a teacher who cared about my inner being and would sculpt me thus
somehow correct my misshapen soul
but he didn’t care to
can anyone care that much?
is that what a guru is for?
is that what a cult leader is for?
is that what I’m here for?
can’t I steady my hand
write everything
write
put everything into words always
make sense of it
make clear sense of it
most of my sayings are stammering
I looked through a box of photos with him three hours
his life
his lonely mis spent life
his Life
his Human Life
his successes
his silliness
the beauties he created
and walked away from…
it doesn’t add up
why work so hard
and just leave it all?
what is it for?
ah, that’s life and death.
I know I know
but shut the fuck up.
WHY ?
why live? why struggle?
why so hard, so long
so fleetingly…
I can’t let go of him
I want to capture him all in words
I never had him
only a glimpse of him
He kicked me out!
how can it be in the last few days I am allowed to be with him
I’m learning more about Jim than I ever did before?
he never told me
i never could have known…
oh
i wish to know some one…
I wish I could be friend’s with him twenty years ago
grow old with him
have fun…
I wish I could know all the men
all the faces I see
all over the Internet, the apps, the subway, out the car window
I want to be close with them
know them fully
ease their loneliness
mine!
without being loved
known
I am nothing!
lovers are the pins that hold me to earth
hold me together
all of us…
we’re crashing, dissipating
how can we stop ?
look into eachother’s eyes eternally
and fully know one another?
i just want to be fully known
to be honest
have it all said
let it all go…
remembering all the events
and forgetting them
one last time…
.iP
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