Day: April 28, 2011

the first
i had never seen such an amazing portrayal of life
while making a self referential show of itself being a TV Show
the L.A.-ing of the deepness under all surfaces: how people live with death.

watching the last
i was astounded at how it was crafted
i had long been told i "got to see how everyone dies"
and had expected it to be some sub-titled thing
"in the year 2025…"
but it was a music video
and a car advert
and a metaphor of saying good-bye
and a well crafted artistic way of saying good-bye
leaving our lives, for however long they were in it
being whatever they were for us
being gone from us as a growing dynamic living thing
forever
now only being memories of experiencing them
reruns are never the first time again
and letting the actors, the crew, the writing team
the whole company
love and appreciate each other
and say good-bye

It is important to say Good Bye
but nothing says it like Ending a Story

I started watching this last year
i don’t remember when…
but i remember thinking of my family while watching it

when i decided
to come out here to help Leo die
i thought this would be a very helpful advocate to have with me
i thought it would serve me well
i had no imagination that Leo would want to watch it: he didn’t like TV either

(I hadn’t watched TV for ten years with anything but disgust ((well, except for South Park and some Adult Swim…)) but winter of 2009-10 a Friend stayed with me a while and introduced me to True Blood on his laptop… i was very impressed and took the video files he offered me onto my lap top and watched a few more with him… when he left.. i was very hooked. finished the season, read all the books. (((eh))) started watching a whole bunch of TV shows i’d heard people talk about over the years. I had just finished the first season of Dexter when i decided i wanted to know Michael C Hall as David before i got really into the Dexter character… who i was surprisingly interested in…. and i knew Six Feet Under was safe: it was Universally Recommended and OVER, so. finite. I credit Alan Ball with making me feel OK to give TV a second chance, rescue the baby and give it a safer bathing and let it help me grow. — these are the stories of my time. the stories my societies live with, talk about, tell each other and see themselves in. it’s my business, so i should know it. it took me until 2006 to be able to welcome with open arms the theatrical Musical back into my existence as a beautiful and entertaining thing capable of being Art. it was time to for give TV as well)

Leo had also heard good things about it and said he’d seen a few episodes
so would be open to trying it to see if he liked it

he was also instantly hooked
and i’d been warned by more than one person that it bogged down in the middle and was hard to watch any of them for a while
but sticking through it was incredibly worth it

more than just being a really good story, well told
with plenty of faults and holes and self-defacing neurosis
it was an amazing Art piece and example of how something could be creative

i’ve recently been imagining what sort of Acting i want to do
i used to think Stage and Film, Never Television.
now i think i will only want to do Absurdist or Deconstructive theater
(not very commercially marketable, but grant-possible)
the occasional Film. probably in Europe
and Television
because it is the most common story telling
that can be told with out drama or with
both
and many other ways
all in the series of telling a story

as ever i get to know new people in my life
i see them a certain way
in my newly knowing them
i notice new things about their face often
sometimes transforming the face into an entirely new face
as if i’d never seen them before and they are a completely new person to me

sometimes that happens many times as i get to know someone
though i usually feel i get to their "True Face" within the few months of knowing them at the longest
sometimes faces just change
Living.

Dying.

Leo and i watched this show the entire way through
and i had hoped we would have many more conversations about his Death
his Life
but we didn’t
and he didn’t cry watching any episode of this season
as far as i know

(the only time i remember, sometime in February
when i was so in love with him, and grateful to be here, but tired and in pain and feeling horrible
he had been telling me only then, on my third month in
that he was grateful that i was here. and Thank You.
and then he was talking about a conversation he’d had with a friend he sees as a father figure, a man in his mid-seventies
but was it something said or inspired?
he expressed his gratitude at having someone who cared so much about him in his Life that they would come here to be with him, put their life aside for him
and his eyes welled up with tears

he’s had asidies for months ((part of his weak liver, his body not releasing fluids properly, "retaining water"))
alchemically speaking: he’s not letting his emotions out
he’s a Taurus, fixed earth, before water came into the story.
in other words: A Rock.
(((Ruled by Venus
was she a frigid bitch? sensual with no feeling? how is that "loving"?)))

but when Moses struck a rock
he got water to flow from it, right?
That’s what i’ve been doing here
i’ve been trying to hit the rock the right way to make the water flow out
i WILL feel like a failure if i do not succeed at getting his water flowing
but of course
in this Mercury Retrograde
i have held my water back from him as well
i’ve stopped it all up
for fear.
well then. a week and a half
time to Get Real.
Command some Reality.
Help out a Friend.)

but this show became our way of spending more time understanding Death together in a different way
a few months ago,
i felt that Leo wanted to "hold out" to see the ending of the series
but that he was wary of speeding through the seasons
because it was one of the thing he was "holding on" for
and his relationship with me
i was half expecting him to be close to dying as the series ended

(in fact, i had imagined this whole thing different
and had converted all of the episodes i had into iPad files so i could watch them when i came out here, and possibly watch them in his bedroom as he drifted in and out of consciousness… while he was immobile and suffering miserably and barely breathing.
just to support him with my silent presence might he blink awake.
but it hasn’t gone down like that.
he’s healthier than that. i’m weaker than that. and i’m leaving to go home.
so our story is ending like this, most probably)

we watched this show Together
it was a profound experience to have in an already profound relationship in my life

i can only hope for myself
and for my friends who are actors
or work in any aspect of Creation
that they get to do something so thoroughly Honest and Good
So Rewarding
So Human.