Day: February 27, 2011

a few men I’ve known these last
few years
have taken me on more as an escort
a sacred intimate
and paid me when I didn’t want money
asking for love
attention
and fun
then dismissing me beyond that
implicit in me being able to spend time with them
I had to take money from them
but I found them fascinating
old
accomplished
deformed by life’s interrogations
yielding up beauty
wrung out of their duty
their art
their presence

men that seemed almost exhausted by their long lives
far outliving the men of my own blood line
I wanted to be with them
and found them beautiful

put into a position of subservience as yeas to them
I had to acceptthe terms
but I forced upon them the understanding of my understanding and love
Mt appreciation for their being
their suffering
their weathered beauty

I see
as this time as passed
less of them in interaction with me
but they
coming to a clearer understanding if what I was trying to give them
what they didn’t know they were buying

that they are beautiful still
as they are now
not just in their pretty youth
and that there are many boys and men who desire what they are now
their fat an old
their wise and grumpy
their unfinished lust and desire
their dreams and paternity
there is yet a market for it
and many hungry consumers
yes
well
al least I helped them see that
breaking open the eyes
old dog new tricks
keep on living
supple in life

it’s nice work if you can get it
though I can never imagine what to do with all this
just keep living day after day
…

.iP

so
I was at this Clergy Conference with Leo a few days ago
all of them Of The Cloth
Episcopalian
so all genders
but that means they all assumed I was too
and easily the youngest there
and all my oddities
and the brightness of my beings

we walked into a meditation
some British lady speaking in second person trying to make us understand what it was like to be Jesus
but I’m not Jewish living in Emperial Rome (any more)
I’m not any religion
I don’t feel I’m being specifically persecuted
yada yada yada
I tried to listen
but her assured poignance and my compkete lack of connection made me have to leave

I walked in the beautiful hills
along a creek
breathing in the damp
the moss
the sound of the water
I was filled with Life
as I experience god
God. not as a Him or an It
but just Life
nature is my favourite flavour
but it’s all it
I walked back in to check on Leo
it was social hour now
all the chairs were taken
Leo was holding his court
I fetched him some water
and I drank
and drank some more

then it started
the clergy finding occasion to talk with me
me hair in my eyes
big boots
herringbone workmans’ cover-alls
black fashion jacket

“where are you out of?”

but I wasn’t angry then
I almost blushed
and tried to explain

I was just here helping a friend
-pause-
I know, when I went to church
the priests would take every opportunity to tell me they thought I should be a priest
and every elder woman in my family the same
but I just never felt the call from inside myself
never thought it was something I should do
he looked me in the eyes directly
good
being present the best a stranger can
and said “well you have the soul of one”

a woman later
at our dinner table
the same lead up and string out
I unfurled differently
saying
“many people in my social circle find Christianity offensive… all of the message in it can’t get to them… and I understand it. the message is beyond language and Christianity isn’t the right language for me… but I have cone to understand it… so I feel part of my role is to be able to bring that message to a myriad of people in ways they can hear it. it is needed… and I am grateful to be able to make it heard.”

.iP

just because you’ve never figured out how to take responsibilities for your own emotions
doesn’t mean have to
you’re Sixty Two, for fuck’s sake
figure it out
i’ve got my own world to live through

.iP

of course it’s difficult
every generation has different pains to endure
who would have thought
dreaming his romantic dreams in the fifties
he’d have to see all of his friends friends die of a mysterious wasting sickness in his thirties
only to fall in love with someone half his age
after he’d given up on society
and watch him be obsessed with staring at tiny flashing screens that super saturate all of the easy small talk conversation devices
being eaten alive with concerns about poisoned water or organic food or generic modification
while any real reason he found for living is useless and impossible to bequeath

it must be such a relief to be dying of something simple like Cancer

but what the fuck is the NeuroEndrocrine system anyway?

another leg of pig
another cocktail, please

.iP