Month: February 2011

a few men I’ve known these last
few years
have taken me on more as an escort
a sacred intimate
and paid me when I didn’t want money
asking for love
attention
and fun
then dismissing me beyond that
implicit in me being able to spend time with them
I had to take money from them
but I found them fascinating
old
accomplished
deformed by life’s interrogations
yielding up beauty
wrung out of their duty
their art
their presence

men that seemed almost exhausted by their long lives
far outliving the men of my own blood line
I wanted to be with them
and found them beautiful

put into a position of subservience as yeas to them
I had to acceptthe terms
but I forced upon them the understanding of my understanding and love
Mt appreciation for their being
their suffering
their weathered beauty

I see
as this time as passed
less of them in interaction with me
but they
coming to a clearer understanding if what I was trying to give them
what they didn’t know they were buying

that they are beautiful still
as they are now
not just in their pretty youth
and that there are many boys and men who desire what they are now
their fat an old
their wise and grumpy
their unfinished lust and desire
their dreams and paternity
there is yet a market for it
and many hungry consumers
yes
well
al least I helped them see that
breaking open the eyes
old dog new tricks
keep on living
supple in life

it’s nice work if you can get it
though I can never imagine what to do with all this
just keep living day after day
…

.iP

so
I was at this Clergy Conference with Leo a few days ago
all of them Of The Cloth
Episcopalian
so all genders
but that means they all assumed I was too
and easily the youngest there
and all my oddities
and the brightness of my beings

we walked into a meditation
some British lady speaking in second person trying to make us understand what it was like to be Jesus
but I’m not Jewish living in Emperial Rome (any more)
I’m not any religion
I don’t feel I’m being specifically persecuted
yada yada yada
I tried to listen
but her assured poignance and my compkete lack of connection made me have to leave

I walked in the beautiful hills
along a creek
breathing in the damp
the moss
the sound of the water
I was filled with Life
as I experience god
God. not as a Him or an It
but just Life
nature is my favourite flavour
but it’s all it
I walked back in to check on Leo
it was social hour now
all the chairs were taken
Leo was holding his court
I fetched him some water
and I drank
and drank some more

then it started
the clergy finding occasion to talk with me
me hair in my eyes
big boots
herringbone workmans’ cover-alls
black fashion jacket

“where are you out of?”

but I wasn’t angry then
I almost blushed
and tried to explain

I was just here helping a friend
-pause-
I know, when I went to church
the priests would take every opportunity to tell me they thought I should be a priest
and every elder woman in my family the same
but I just never felt the call from inside myself
never thought it was something I should do
he looked me in the eyes directly
good
being present the best a stranger can
and said “well you have the soul of one”

a woman later
at our dinner table
the same lead up and string out
I unfurled differently
saying
“many people in my social circle find Christianity offensive… all of the message in it can’t get to them… and I understand it. the message is beyond language and Christianity isn’t the right language for me… but I have cone to understand it… so I feel part of my role is to be able to bring that message to a myriad of people in ways they can hear it. it is needed… and I am grateful to be able to make it heard.”

.iP

just because you’ve never figured out how to take responsibilities for your own emotions
doesn’t mean have to
you’re Sixty Two, for fuck’s sake
figure it out
i’ve got my own world to live through

.iP

of course it’s difficult
every generation has different pains to endure
who would have thought
dreaming his romantic dreams in the fifties
he’d have to see all of his friends friends die of a mysterious wasting sickness in his thirties
only to fall in love with someone half his age
after he’d given up on society
and watch him be obsessed with staring at tiny flashing screens that super saturate all of the easy small talk conversation devices
being eaten alive with concerns about poisoned water or organic food or generic modification
while any real reason he found for living is useless and impossible to bequeath

it must be such a relief to be dying of something simple like Cancer

but what the fuck is the NeuroEndrocrine system anyway?

another leg of pig
another cocktail, please

.iP

I hope I always remember

when I feel there is no need to be afraid
and voices come from every direction warning me to Be Afraid
but I don’t think so
then have my doubts
but when I push through to the actuality
there is nothing to fear
here
really
there is nothing to fear

I hope I always remember
fear is for paying attention to
and surpassing
not to let it limit me

.iP

i’ve been cold a lot lately
i’ve been ill for the last two months
that cough
and the sore throat and over-all lassitude
was it from sucking cock? or plane flight?
or the mere exhaustion of running 100% over the “holidays”?
as i lifted out of that
i got this digestion thing
which has been making itself more evident as the month has gone on

how to care for a sick person when i’m sick?

i’m being stingy, i think
wanting attention and nourishment
wanting more than he can offer me
the reason i never lived with him any length of time

in no way meaning i don’t love him.

but i know when i’m hungry i tend to grab more
and i have
these last few months
and the more we think we have little
the less we have

maybe it was all the coconut oil to kill the chest infection
cooled me down too much
defeated my digestive fires…

but my hands have been cold
my feet
and i can feel the wind blowing through the walls

maybe it’s the empathy
feeling his cancer, his pain, his alcohol
maybe it’s trying to make my organs do the work for him
(emotionally)

fear of dying
too little life
money
sexy
love
friends
populace
colour
flash
too little
so clenching my fist
my heart
holding tight
and stifling myself

how many times have i made this mistake?

it’s not at all that i don’t love him
in all my anger and snapping
oh, that’s just how i am
*(buyer beware)

but i have loved him for years, lives, ages..
whatever “him” means… and Time, that too: whatever it is
he’s just one of my loves
a Me, perhaps
a sliver of me
one of my shards
“When There Were Twelve”
(there was always a thirteenth… but he was also the One)
our quiet lives in stone houses
long hallways
the singing
herbs
him with his wine making
me with my beers

how many times?

Leaving is good
Leaving Often…

i quoted something
some lost friend said to me
(and it was clear in the saying that i miss him not only as a friend, but a teacher)
“When you have to say ‘Good Bye’ start early. say it often… so when the parting time actually comes you are well practiced. it’s easy to say… and not hard to hear.”
HuMan.

ah, see
as little as that
think of the future
and look back
and realize what is needed
and Give
it’s all we can do
Give
feel the warmth flowing through my hands
imagine a drawing, a photograph, a photo-shopping
my body, light making patterns through me
blossoming out, open, up, around

need more?
give more.

square fucking one.
always back to square fucking one.
but of course
it is the largest square
and the rest fit in it anyway

let’s dance!

RoManCe!

i’ve been having many conversations
along the lines with me imagining i could be a relationship counselor
another damaged healer sifting through the wounds for a cure
what? no: i’ve never had a happy relationship that’s gone on and on
no
and i have been thinking about the styles of relating…
i keep telling people that their long term partner is not meant to be a dashing prince
his job is not to supply surprise
he is not novelty
his is the constant companion
why be disappointed in not having hot hot sex after 25 years?
but of course
what is painful
is the constant companion
with a gulch a mile deep between you and he
filled with all those disappointments and offenses

what is The Lover to do?
share bread
breathe next to you
help with bills
and carrying the groceries
but what about Romance?

well, i can’t help but think that Romance is but a game
it’s a style
it’s not everyones style
and
in fact
it is often abused
exploited
and addicted by many

there is a quiet peace of being together with a known friend
when affection is present
it is very nourishing and comforting
but romance
love letters
flowers (if that’s your style)
dancing

i cannot help it
many people have called me “romantic”
though i feel myself far too pragmatic to be so
that may be how it manifests

if you are with me for my life
i would want to make you happy
so that i would have a happy person to be with
it would make sense to me that you would do the same for yourself
of course, i don’t want to do all the work
and me
we stumble and blink out from time to time
i’ll make me happy
you make me happy
make yourself happy
i’ll make you happy
we’ll keep the happiness going
through all the other emotions happy to come and go

i can’t say i understand this
i thought i had come to an understanding
but listen
of course i haven’t

i think romance is a game
i see people in SF falling in love every day
every week
even if they have a constant companion at home
they find others to “love” on
going crazy over him
pining and wishing and keeping a secret
the human nature to want what we cannot have
to take for granted what we have
dream of something better
that wanes quickly enough
once you know him just to be a person like any other person
why love?
love is necessary
but it’s never a scientific bet
people are all flawed
failures and sucesses
it is how to be with
how can you be with
who you are
you two
or three or five
how to be
just to be with

why would you get jealous?
your currency of love?
why would you want another then?
greediness
then be shamed if your other knew?

what’s with all this pointless sex?
and why?
the mind and heart fills in the gaps
the imagination of self-recreation
or finding the right man to walk you down the aisle
and out the door
the gate of this life
into another world
through death or orgasm
or dreaming
into peace
or paradise
or some alien lands
avoiding the monsters of fear
or even going to battle

what is your Love Affair?
what is your Dream With The Other?
why look and search?
the spice of life
a little novelty
a little dream of what could be
easy to toss off
for the man who bores you and smells bad and won’t wash the dishes properly and always tells you to pick up your clothes

what are the relationships like without these failings?
are they perfect and boring?
or boring?
might they be perfect and carry through
great successes
what is life?
people who have simple quiet existences
living…
i imagine some crazy story
fame
or wizardry
changing the world
raising a werewolf
turning lead into gold
leading a tribe after the apocalypse
writing a great novel
making excellent movies and music together

peace?
why want peace in this life?
is that what it’s for?
i can’t imagine why we’d incarnate just to find stasis…
into this world of dualities and striving…

harmony in the struggle…
a bright edge of suffering…

yes
but being alone
it’s all so pointless
any of it is more

so we have our communities
if we have them
we have our coworkers
or a companion

i still like the idea of a family
and i guess i like romance
to be surprised and enriched
but to expect it and not receive it
so bitter
or not enjoy the flavor of that which is offered…
with eight billion people on the planet
my compliment is out there, right?

a wife
band mates
our artist collective
the commune community i participate with
the world i adore and fight with

perhaps i need a lot of everything
a lot of everything to listen to me
and be surprised by

as my time with Leo wears thin
i vacillate through respect and repulsion
noticing moments of love with him
then days of wondering what it was i ever liked about him to begin with

he’s intelligent and hot, yes
but also blandly hedonistic and riddled with blind spots
not uncommon
but what seduced me?

is it as simple as his Being There?
is that the base of any relationship?
just to be able to Be with each other?
all other details moot?

this life is certainly much simpler than My Own in NYC
but seems to be much more frustrating
dissatisfying
and tedious

though i often feel lost in my own life
i prefer it any time to this feeling of being in someone else’s void
in a place that is pretty
but i don’t love

i’m longing for home
the really exasperating part is
i don’t have one yet
i’m still building it

this interruption is showing itself up as quite an obstacle
i’ll beseech the eternal elephant child:
i want to know what i need to do.. to understand
so i can be done with it and move on

so i can get on with my life
to figure out what i need to do
so i can be done with it
and move on

one star to the next
–
oh, i’m sorry
weren’t we in love?

“my bad”
&
“it’s all good”
these are part of the American Language
a strange super-simplification of meaning and thought with pure expression

it grates on me

.iP

I really miss having fun
I’m so dragged out
it’s so hard to have fun
when you’re friend is dying
yeah
I wish he’d die already
so we could have fun again

onward with the slow living!
onward with the waiting
more fucking hand-wringing
and passing by the beauty
with friend’s un-enabling joy

“I was a Hater in the depths of emotional hibernation”

more drinking
and blinking out

.iP