I feel all terrible
sitting
wanting to be ready to write about it
but I can’t crystalize any beauty
I’m instantly lonely up here
what’s loneliness?
being with someone who is forcefully denying themselves
washing dishes
while listening to Leo talk with his German friends
feeling their emotions in the air
I realized that every night
when Leo becomes monstrous with politics
he’s just doing it so he doesn’t have to talk about dying
his fear of dying
by expressing his feeling of hopelessness about the fate of the world
he is talking about himself
oh yes
of course
take some salvia
and feel it
all
is
one
the failing economy is my failure
the corrupt government is my failure
the death of nature is my fault
but yes
I know
how else does one die?
give up on healing
on any hope
but, god
I miss frivolity
how do we die?
if we don’t die every minute of our lives
if we put it off
we get a few weeks
or months
or years
of acute suffering
that is the pay back of hedonism
he is a good host
but every meal is
eating too much
an entire prime rib
between four people
it was over five pounds!
I have been over eating for over a month
every meal is Too Much
and then desert
he’s getting fatter!
is that a mark of health?
or over indulgence…?
I’ve been feeling heavy and bloated
distended
the food is great
and greater still
I’m yearning for small fine meals after hours of yoga and walking with the boys at figleaf
the loneliness feeling here is so acute
and being in the city was strange
just as out of time
not really wanting sex or love
but friends
the cute/funny/smart bear I saw two nights in a row had many real friends
and shared his life with them
the greatest connections i had down there was with the hippies
teaching them mudras
and giving bodywork
while they talked unceasingly about tetrahedrons…
maybe I wasn’t receiving
it’s certainly not uncommon for me to give more than I get
imaging it has to be done simultaneously
which is
of course
not how it happens
so
ok
I’m here
I’m not quiet
of course
nit even now
I’m staring into the fire
listening to it crackle
talking to myself
to hear what I’m thinking
making sense of this sinking feeling
I want to fast a few days
empty out
sleep a lot
be focused and present
what?
sleep
rest
listen…
.iP
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