I was in an amalgam of NYC/Europe/hermitage, CA
I’d been working with a sexy daddy bear
played by Maurice
doing healing work on him
there was all this talk about what an amazing healer I was
working with Jackie
but the folks at Blue Lotus were more like a gigantic cult
a new-age movement
there were many
all the workers and all the clients
all sick injured people
we were having a gathering upstate
I didn’t think I’d be able to go
or didn’t want to
I was busy with healing Maurice or something
but on the day before it started I decided to go
I took the train upstate
beautiful old ruins in a roman aquifer
old hot springs, baths
it was a party
hundreds of people
lots of colorful food
most of it packaged crap
tons of it
it was sunny
technicolor
Jackie was kinda the leader
we were all exhausted from eating
and bathing
in the minerally bubbly water
in the multi-coloured sun
laying around in a puppy pile
(all sorts of references to billy gatherings and heartwood as well)
so we’re laying around
and every one is talking about some big ritual that’s going to happen
and there are big announcements
and it becomes clear we’re going to restage the crucifixion of Jesus
they’re even talking of the men who are going to play the thieves
and one they have to pull down to make space for
me
of course
I’m going to play Jesus
I’m listening with lack of comprehension
I have to carry the cross up the hill
with some strange contraption
they’re talking about the nails they will use and how and who will hammer them in
and the tomb they will bury me in
and I lose it
I jump up and start screaming
pig will not
“No! I! Will! NOT!”
knocking shot over
running around yelling
my long white robes flailing
“Jesus knew for days before hand! he got to appeal to his father in the garden! what’s a crucifixion without The Last Supper!? Where are my Apostles!?! This is Insane! I will not die for you! It won’t heal you and I won’t be back in three days time! I might want release from this life and the feeling if doing something good but this shoddy reproduction would be a waste!”
and on
they sit around patiently waiting for me to come around
they have hungry looks on their faces
hoping the release of my life force will heal off of them
they look desperate
more sad than angry
whispered words of disappointment
” all our planning for nought… he won’t play our messiah tonight… we must continue to suffer and die because he isn’t willing to sacrifice himself for us…”
I walk by the tables of candied fruit.. little debbie’s and candy corn
fuck this shit
(but with a terrifying twinge of guilt)
I didn’t sign up for this shit
I’d decided to come up at the last moment as a lark
how could they’d think I would die for them?
where do
I catch the train back into the city?
I did
somehow
then I was with Leo
driving through the countryside
ramshackle elegance
going to a shop of the finest local handmade food
carved intricate boxes
selling for hundreds of dollars each
one contained a single bouillon cube
I blew on it and a cloud of smoke like dry ice peeled off it
the other, same size box, was being sold as a fontina cheese
but the box was very complex and unfolded into an entire rustic kitchen set
corkscrew and pepper mill, long knives, cabinets
we sat down to eat
an odd shaped corner
window looking out over the farm fields
all rustic barn wood
I was self conscious
with the waiter and sales person there
I kept accidentally referring to Leo as “Dad”
blushing about it
and wondering why I was doing it
and very unnerved about something…
.iP
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