Month: July 2010

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he’s a man who has always had the gift of humor
never got bogged down in the seriousness of his obligations
being able to perform
and stay light hearted

perhaps that’s how things get done
to find the joy in and around the tasks that need doing
and put just as much energy into them

making real work changes
working with heavy equipment
and still being very present with his men
of course, he feels better across from
them than with them
the jokes and story keep him in attention
and separate from The Guys
better at being friendly with them
than being with them

(oh, I don’t have much creative energy left today… blew out twice and taught a yoga class… coming down from food and air conditioning and stoned… Oh No!! I started talking about myself and being a whiny white man! damn!
I really liked this picture and wanted to try..)

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regardless of the opportunities offered us
we have found ways to make it work here
even if it’s the same things we did at home
there are just so many more people here
potential for a dollar handed over

father hasn’t got any paperwork
he hasn’t got a choice
he can’t do the physical work we do… when we get it
but he knows how to play more songs than I even know
and still loves singing
he gets dressed in his best clothes
this us his work
seeing as we don’t have a restaurant here to regularly play in
we have all of these train cars
constantly
all day
as long as we can play
and stay on our feet
we at least get a dollar each per song
mostly
often more
and it really helps feed the rest of the family when we get home
and keeps the tequila flowing

this is really an amazing land of plenty…

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we grew up here
saw the pavement changed
lost a cousin under the tires of a fast turning car
saw more than one father disappear into other houses
in other blocks
other boros

my uncle taught him how to open the hydrant when he was still too young to control it
but I’m glad he can do it now
make it look so easy
gives us a reason to all be together here

keeping cool
moms bitching
he’s the only sexy one in the family
but I’ve had his brother a few times already

and her
she don’t know what it’s like…
I can’t wait to grow up and get out of here
get with a man who can buy a house over in Jersey
somewhere nice
maybe Florida
I can’t wait
when I turn 14 I’monna see if I can live with my tio
but today
it’s good to keep cool
watching the kids playing

(what do I know…
I live around these people and can’t seem to understand them at all)

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you know the story

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old man
me
tired old man
sleeping on the train
resting on my cane
eyes flickering closed and open
to look for stops
but conserve my waning energy

what was so easy in youth
has all fallen
now
I didn’t need to bother then
and I certainly don’t
now
but
now
I look and feel shabbier
shakier

the things I used to care about
most of them I don’t anymore
I just want to get from where I’ve been
back to my place of comfort

I found this board on the street
it might be useful

it’s cold in this car
oh, my knee hurts
my hands gripping each other
won’t hold me up

I get off
at 190th street
but the gate is too heavy to push through
I’m glad that man helped me
no one else would
no one…

I’m no one anymore
disappearing as you walk by
thank you for remembering me for this moment

.iP

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32
?

this time of meditation on myself
my actions
my thoughts and feelings

oh, have I?
I haven’t even paid attention
I should look at it all now

Now
before that
I feel sick of myself
like my ego is useless

of course it’s not
it is
in fact
less sick
in a wave
cycle
of entropy
more sick leading to death
later

now
just life

not depression
but
I want to not write about I
ok
but don’t discount yourself
keep up the love

what does it feel like?

it feels good to feel
there is some pain and awkwardness
but mostly power and beauty
that’s what it feels like

not bad
I was going to say
I don’t like the choices I make
thus I gate myself
thus desire to negate myself
annihilate myself

but it’s not the choices I make
it’s my actions
yes
it’s the choices I make
lost
out of control
where is this?

center
if I
could choose to come to center
with every breath
could I be at all?

my heart hurts here

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this day started the same
ending last night at today’s Dawn
watching horrible videos about the gulf oil spill
the history of the real Von Trapp family
and herbal ideas on how to euthanize my best friend who just got diagnosed with cancer…
when I woke this morning I continued in the same vein with some animal cruelty video

(shudder)

but today was different
I did mudra meditation in bed
which led to pushups and pull ups
making myself Indian leftovers
watching episode 4 of Heroes
which Felt inspiring
I went out to the beach again
but the sun was the star today
the sun and mulberries

I came home
showered
and began directly with the dishes
the laundry
and cleaning the bedroom

Daniel got here around 9:30
we didn’t see any of the fireworks
though we tried
he and his friend Dan came back to my place for some sustenance
then we headed to the cave

five minutes from my door

apparently Indians used to live there
we spent a good while cleaning it
lots of broken glass
crack pipes
drug bags

we smudged it with mugwort from the riverside
filled it with smoke!
lay down a red sheet
three singing bowls
drum
digeridoo
recorder

the three of us
and salvia divinorum

it was the perfect ending to my birthday counting
and crystalized an idea I have to get out of myself with my postings, we’ll see

( if you’re interested, we recorded most of it. it’s three and a half hours and is filled with some great conversations, music and screaming. mostly absurd. fill your space with the cave and spend the night with us… )

we got back to my place after 4
then set out to data transfer, studying (Daniel has a quiz) and tea
it’s seven now
and I kinda have a full day ahead…
so I’ll head to dreams for a while
maybe exhaustion will put me to sleep on time tonight

mars was so beautiful…
the moon conjunct Jupiter
so beautiful

thank you for all in existence
I’m grateful to be one of the caretakers
(even as an agent of entropy)

.iP

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trouble settling down
agitated as hell
starting Wednesday with waking at 6
(hot, but disruptive)
my sleep has been totally fucked
after watching The Sound Of Music Friday night I got home at 5am
6 before I could sleep
when I woke today I was a wreck
jittery and displaced
the sink was filled with dishes
I couldn’t bring myself to clean
or the laundry
or the bedroom
or anything anything
no focus for more than a moment
just backgammon and silverdaddies and detritus
no thought came to completion

days like this
happen

.iP

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the theme of annihilation is strong
of course
my desire is not to be a mortmain slave Servant Of The Lord
but one that is 100% enlightened and aware

that’s ego shit
god doesn’t care how I serve him
I have to
it’s what I am
and I have to do it anyway
I just feel my success relies not on money earned but consciousness attained

"nothing comes from nothing
because nothing ever does"

I do not know what my actions need to be
I know they are not in accord

she said
"you don’t have to believe your own stories"
and "it’s just energy. what you do with it is up to you"

I told him my fears
he said "now don’t pretend you’re moral. abuse and exploitation are just part of the package. that’s just an excuse. I don’t even think you believe that anymore. what is it you are pretending to be afraid of to get out of being annihilated by the universe? it’s not going to work."

hollow bone

water fetcher
smokes roller
coffee maker
cane grabber

I want to be a
servant
I want to be
the daddy
I want to be
on par with

where are we?
am I a part of We?
when can I stop worrying about
I?
just be together?

I told a story of learning about Bhandas when I first started Yoga at 18
and found that I had been doing excessive mula bhanda excursuses since I was 13
which corresponds to the time I stopped wanting to be accepted by the group
pulled out into self isolation and confidence

cut off at the root
so yes
now the desire is to open the root
root down
in trust
balance and clarity
as always I wonder
maybe that is not possible here

my significant Rahu energy keeps me delusional
but reminds mr I am an agent of decay
chaos
nothing
because nothing ever does

.iP

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I really really really need to sleep now

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