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because I wanted to get some Chyavanprash for Leo
and this would be the best time
I got off at 2nd ave
with a feeling of propriety
and walked the streets with a powerful feeling of nostalgia
now closed out of this
which I never fit well anyway
I walked to the indian grocery on 1st near 6th and wandered
because I took a few drags
because I’ve been such a drag lately
and wish I could just lighten up
because my best friend is dying of liver cancer and there’s nothing I can do
because i had more than a glass of wine at dinner
though I’d fasted all day
I wanted to show there was no hard feelings by staying to eat with them
even though I really wanted to rush home after teaching yoga
he paid me for both days today
usually just one
so I had an extra $100 in my wallet
which was buried under the three cloths my friend who always forgets things left at their house
I promised to fetch them for him
two sarongs and a pashmina
because I was jealous of my friend having a day full of loving
where I spent the night feeling put out
traveling too far
not sleeping enough
to have sex with someone I’ve closed my heart to
because I feel he abused me
because I loved the sex I had with him
and denied me steadily until I became dispassionate with him
and closed my heart
bit took his bait anyway and put myself out
then gave a massage the next day
feeling drained and fed upon
by a guy who said I presented myself as positive
but was just as negative and depressive as he was
but there I was
another $120 in my wallet
because I tried to be nice
and it was ok
but ate with him out of politeness
then felt too hot and heavy to enjoy being at Spa Castle fully
and felt spaced and tired from sex and sleep deprivation
we surfaced
and I wanted to make a phone call
but as soon as it was done
it jumped out of my pocket somehow
and cracked the glass on the front of the screen
I’d put $300 in my wallet in 50s to buy the new phone whenever they got one in
because I’ve been waiting for the white one
and they’ve been sold out since they went on sale
and they just announced the white one isn’t being made coz it can’t be perfect
just like that
because I touched my belt yesterday and thought about those biker wallets
and how a chain wallet would be nice when I replace this one
because I’ve been thinking of closing my account at bank of America and opening one at Chase anyway
because I saw a picture of myself today…
but where?
in my dreams?
one from before that German street parade I bought this one at
and I was still wearing the button coin purse I got in Peru
(that I lost one night in a cab in London while wearing pants, like these, without belt loops)
because I was wearing pants like this when my phone jumped out of the pocket
but not these…
because I was cleaning the house all day today
talking on the phone for hours
when he called
I called him a douchebag
coz he said he’d be over no later than two
and there it was
quarter to five
which I didn’t notice
and was rushing
because I’m always late
so didn’t change pants
just put my metrocard in my pocket and my wallet in my bag
my bag I got from my father
that I rarely ever zip up
because it’s an old bag and the zippers are huge and stiff
because I always keep $100 in my wallet
no more, in case I lose it
so I won’t lose very much
$40 hidden in the back
and I never really worry about losing it
because it’s always on my belt
because if been thinking about him all day
for days
but
subliminally
so didn’t notice
but he called me
and I felt like someone loved me
because I was so sad
under the full moon
and we were fighting
but we knew we liked to fight
and were talking
I was so insecure
I always am
scared and stupid
and he told me he’d teach me to be a slave
but I was.. am.. still all angry that I have to pay him to live me the way I’ve always wanted a friend to love me
I’m obviously not good enough
I feel
my love being worth little
money must accompany it
because the trains were full
and one door was jammed by two deformed adults in mechanized wheelchairs
the man constantly making jokes to offset his uncomfort and making fag jokes about a furry Dominican daddy
funny! ha!
but what a sorry lot in life
but one of my best friends here broke his nose yesterday
really, why would I complain?
because after paying for more than I had intended to get at the indian grocery store on 1st ave near 6th street
I tucked my wallet into my bag crammed with cloth
in a haze
and walked by a fruit stand thinking I should stop and get lemons
but walking on anyway
when turning on St Mark’s I realized I was missing something
and reached into my bag to find my wallet gone
really gone
gone gone
over $500 gone
and my ID, driver’s license from California
credit card and debit
EBT and 8gb flash stick
gone
a stack of my moo cards
if they’d want to return it
I walked my path
not even five minutes from when my wallet was last in my hand
it could have fallen out
but this is an area famous for junkies and thieves
of course I didn’t find it
but was glad my metrocard was in my pocket
and what was left of my phone was still in my bag
because i looked up at the moon and asked “Why? WHY?”
and wondered
what is this luck?
and why do i have so much of it right now?
.iP
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