Month: June 2010

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many months ago I bought an album from iTunes of traditional Mongolian music
in an aboriginal mood
went there to get a record of african music
found that

well
I’ve recently met this man that is mainly interested in ancient musics
he sings in languages I don’t understand
in a braying voice
indicative of an entirely different purpose of music

my gigantic bloated music library has been offering up its children that can dance with him
I’ve been listening to music from along the Silk Road
which I have been loving
but today…
(maybe because I’m operating on three hours sleep, just ate a heavy meal after teaching yoga…)
the Mongolian music touched me in a way that the others haven’t

I remember the van
endlessly jostling us across the steppes
the green in every direction
those faces like masks of leather
wind blown

a strange nostalgia
for traveling?
for a leg of a journey?
for a culture like none I’ve ever seen elsewhere?

today I went to the King Tut Discovery exhibit
it was kinda like a Ripley’s museum
Times Square
what else could be expected

but really…
it made me want to research those old gods
to walk that valley of kings
feel the banks of the Nile…

I doubt my yearning is just about my not traveling
the world is so great and fascinating
there is so much more to see
(than this)

(I wonder yet what I am doing here)

(is my hair getting too thin?)

(shouldn’t I just cave in?)

I’m still wrestling…

.iP

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again
I passed out before posting
three massages
two daddies
woken in the morning by another daddy on his way out
from a dream I had
in some small town
gathering to see a show
Goat was talking to someone and described my actions as "whiting around", which really hurt my feelings
I tried to do the same by mentioning his Million
but it obviously didn’t have the same effect
I flitted around feeling scared and shamed
meanwhile
in waking world
I was being mean to the person in the room
"sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up"
‘ of course you did! ‘ I snapped, ‘ why else lay down beside me? ‘
and turned away
mumbling into my pillow how if he were going to lay there he may as well pet me and try and and make me feel good

"when I’m like this.."
no one can do anything right

I had three clients
the first I explained how I was never bored alone
but often with others
and how I knew I wanted to meet this fellow and agreed to two nights
but one is always enough

he was worried, then, that he bored me
I assured him
one a week for a few hours kept him
interesting

is this a new yorker thing?
or are people just generally better in small doses

it’s not just me
but it’s me

I told him I’m less and less satisfied by sex
and is that a symptom or cause of my depression?

my second client took it upon her self to offer me music lessons
which came as a surprise and a blessing
that I’m being given music from all these angles
we worked on some music theory
using my iPad as a (piano)keyboard
and in my moments to myself this morning I tuned my guitar (for the first time in years)

we sang some Irish folk songs
then I massaged her hands

and had a moment

then worked on the next
(and we both mainly bitched about distrusting the government and all corporations… how not to remember human greed and disintegrity in everything?)

made some phone calls
and jumped on my bike
to go eat some raspberries
Have Some Joy!

but the berries were little and rarely ripe
most of the bushes poisoned and killed by the workers down there

the sunset was beautiful
and I practiced singing a song I knew to see how I sounded when confidant

good, I think
sad, but good

I sang it over and over in the sunset
called a guy I know up here (can’t say "a friend") to see if he wanted dinner
no
but a blow job, yes
well, more service in lack of companionship

hot and fun (and empty)
I ordered a burger from a new local bar
went home
showered
ate
watched 6ft under
til The Prince of Bears arrived
a guy I’ve known since 2003
but hadn’t seen in 2 years
so hot
we both appreciated eachothers’ beauty
but didn’t really connect
hot and fun
and tiring
we slept together

anyone want a full size mattress? (no bed bugs, worry not)
anyone have a keyboard or piano they want to pass on?

mwa mwa mwa

.iP

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joy and joyness

coming up from the underground in Brooklyn
past the guy who sits there all the time
today with his shirt off, rifling through his news papers
what does he want?
a pink sign taped to the wall flaps in the wind and I see another
crudely scawled, says "THIRSTY?"
an arrow pointing up
"HAVE SOME FRESH LEMONADE"
two kids selling lemonade from a little table
I couldn’t not
and only 50¢
five dimes to you
it was alright
perhaps a touch of real and fake
not too sweet
the first corner I came to
I tossed the empty paper cup in the trash can
and saw many more of the same cup there

I felt glad

but hours later I felt odd for not talking to them (I was late…)
and wondered why I was so compelled to buy it..
I realized I had never seen boys selling lemonade from a table
metal pot from mom’s kitchen
ladle
simple
and archetype
never before witnessed it my life

is this where life has been happening?
I get the feeling it wasn’t where I was raised…
(
…the first time I saw a worm in an apple was in Italy in 2002… and felt the same way…
)
I did a casting today
(for another unpaying editorial for a big magazine I don’t know)
the guy who interviewed me asked where I was from
and persisted on the name of the town after I said the state
he said he’d lived in Bloomington
which I countered, was an island
he asked how I meant that
"there are Asians there, for instance"
after a blurt about my parents moving to Indiana to get away from the blacks of Detroit…
the great white flight…

my parents are Still insulated from it
oh, my mom kinda works in the ghetto…

different

I have a house guest that won’t drink anything from my kitchen
I offered him tea
he took the slightest taste
and pronounced it Different
I decided I was through with closeted men

there is nothing in there for me

/

I remembered when I first met Rosenberg
and how eager I was to throw myself away
then how firmly I choose not to
and yearly since
I have considered his option

which includes throwing myself away

I’m lost in the continuity
– I don’t know if I have grown
when it’s been shown up to me
things I’d long thought surpassed were still current
how many times have I just pretended to forget my hitches?
thinking I could just slide through
til I got caught up again
untangled
denial
again

when will I ever learn?

and is this the work?
this writing
ok
yes
much of it is me working it out for myself
but for you
is it entertainment?
do you benefit?
does it detract from me?
somehow
I understand how editing for "you" weakens my powers of clarity and understanding for myself
but does the mere publicity of my inner workings release too much …?

oh, one of you adepts who can articulate
express it for me so I may choose more wisely..

.iP

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I give thanks

.iP

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the weekend was practicing languidity
as if cats
we ate
and napped
indulged in nip
fine wines
flights of fancy
self preening
and plenty of petting

only the slightest of cat fights

laying naked in the sun on a lawn made of moss
staring at the beautiful rare flower (indian pipe: no cloryphil)
doing yoga (me at least)
sweating in the sun

some were more productive than others
when i indulge that much I am completely useless
though I often feel that way around those
their productivity holds an inertia that keeps them flowing even in the most relaxed of times
I made allowances for my recovery
but really
to remain functional with them I’d have to entirely abstain from then inebriants…
so many flows to fight against

we had fun in the forest
took a few hundred pictures of eachother naked on the rocks

more beautiful food
(the night before there was wrestling after dinner, drinker wrestling… that snapped me into clarity… ended before any mess was made; my partner went and passes out in response… and earlier, on the dance floor, that Teddy bear turned Grizzly and I was certain he could have devoured me… of course I enjoyed dancing that edge: who wouldn’t want to be devoured by such beauty?)

grateful again
still
having to pass through the gates of automobile traffic
stuck in jams
navigating horrid strip mall streets to get back to beautiful park-ways home

where I jumped quickly into doing four loads of laundry (active back in my space? or the cold water splash of the energy of NYC?)
a man I met on the Internet met me around 9 or so
we quickly retired to
bed and continued the languid laying around
all furry and cuddly
with two hour intermission to change and empty the dryers

I passed out (with him) before getting to post this
but here’s a lovely picture from yesterday with some braids in my hair

.iP

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dreams of a journey
in the back seat of a speeding car

one night away at friends’
trees and moss
and bauchurian decadence

heavy belly
syrupy mind
feeling all the things I’ve been thinking about
wondering how to properly pay my bills…

(written at 2am, posted whenever the phone reaches the network again, as there is none here in Hankins)

.iP

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Photo on 2010-06-26 at 01.33 #2

is this fair?
i wanted to type on a keyboard tonight
and i’m home
and never took a picture with my iPhone today
is this fair?

think about telling a story
Endless Things
a story that is entertaining
racy
compelling
a story we’d like to believe
one where not only a Happy Ending is possible
but a Revolutionary one
not so much an Ending
but a story of how the new beginning came to be
then tell that story

then say
"that’s not how it happened. he really burned there in that field. end of story"

come out into the field
let’s do battle here
there are a million monsters to deal with out here
but the secret you have to remember is
every single one of them is you

Healing Circle
think of the healing circle
and what you call into it
there
do you expect fair and balanced people?
perhaps you should expect broken people
why else would they come for healing?
we’re having fun
but we’re not JUST playing.

And Lover
and father
and mentor
and teacher
and i am going to fight you
and i’m going to love every smack i feel
and i’m going to hate to have to hit you
but you wouldn’t hit me back if i didn’t play along
and it’s the only joy in town.

(i have such a teacher)

The Miraculous Power of Denial
well used
well abused
into diabetes
lung cancer
aids
well used
past the broken glass
past the watchful eye of the police
past the dangerous kids in that neighborhood
through the red light
through the cancer
through the walking pneumonia
through life
onward
underwater
where gigantic fish can eat even the largest of whales
In Life
i have forgotten
over and over again
in my stuttering attempt to love
what gifts i have
"don’t imagine that it’s not a power"
when i was younger
i wanted to believe that everything i perceived all perceived
in fact
certain conversations i would have i felt they were lying to me
when they denied they could read my thoughts
Perhaps
because i was talking to them directly
which meant they could see and feel my thought forms
and knew exactly what i meant
and knew it to be true
for me
but also knew it to be entirely foreign
to them
thus spoke their truth
a lie in the face of mine.
how many countless examples?
not everyone can choose
not everyone can heal
not everyone is free
not everyone can be free
not everyone can surpass themselves.

the act of writing is a "simplification" of "the truth"
in order to put anything down
in words
it has to be so thoroughly shaved.edited.perverted.picked.pecked.pushed.pulled.revolved.examined.rejected.retrieved.released.
it is never easy
but it is never real either
it’s not how i really am
it’s my attempt at being real
really real
to make sense of it
to keep myself entertained

i’m not really this critical
i’m not really this hopeless
i’m not really this angsty
i’m not really this funny
ha ha
this is just a presentation
of the owls
from the darkness outside of night
through this night that leads into morning
so you can see it
dream it
forget it upon waking
and remember it through the day
as if you made it up yourself

i can’t give you anything but love, baby
but the only love i can give you is that which comes through me
and it ain’t straight.

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I had some idea
when I got in at 11
but just had to play with technologies
my camera roll was broken yet again
trying to fix it through iPhoto
started watching Heros
got sucked into a porn hole
four or five hours later
depleted
when I should have been resting
dissipating a day of healing and centering
damn it!

.iP

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went to sleep this time last night
woke up at noon today

caught up on some rest

laying on the mat on the floor to sleep now
not that interested in recapitulating all of the day’s events
nor do I feel terribly inspired for much else but sleep

but
now that I’ve got my new camera
loving my infrared ones

bought my first ever bed today
delivers friday
new mattress and everything

transplanted my salvia
made a new batch of kombucha

enjoyed a dinner party of music

already lost my daily practice
… try try again …

.iP

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"and if the whole world is crashing down…"

(a continuation of an inner dialogue I was having yesterday)

I wonder if it’s as simple as being intimidated
can I reduce the whole thing to Fear?

Mr Rose told me he was clear that the fear surrounds him now
when once it did not
his appeal to a return to youth (he did not state; I heard)
the place before fear reigned
I said to Mr Doubt tgat it was the American Trick
to turn everything into something to fear
Contemporary

Fear
ManJuShri
DonQuai
fucking cut it down with a sword
Machete through the Jungle

the natural world (=something to be afraid of, the big black man in the shadows, the boogie man under the bed)

Is it simple intimidation?
I am attracted to (the form of) Power
and kinked on being less-than in action of deigning to be imbued with

not afraid of criticism or abuse
simple rejection?
no.
no?
no.
(everyone is)

what makes me impotent in the face of beauty and intelligence?

I told Mr Rose "I’m not intimidated by you" and came four times
I pushed around the icons of my understanding and tried to get a perspective on his intelligence
a being who is being
more than directed to result
so I perceive
is he more in the moment
nothing to fear of a man who is present
(fore he cannot reach around time and space and put fingers in my past or my future to catch me up in my present)

dangerous
the world creators
scary the reality sculptors
so compelling

(no resolution yet)

here we are
together again
fingers interwoven

dying ov liver cancer dear?
or do you want to know me when I’m forty?
I cannot help but challenge you
"I’ve got my own world to live through"

"and if the whole world is crashing down
fall through space…"

.iP

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I was taking the arbitrary calendar for granted
Astrological Progression supposes one degree of progression of the
natal sun(ephemerically)
loosely
that’s one day per year
but the heavens do not align to man’s mind
(entirely)
(room for surprises)

so I’ve been studying more about Vedic Astrology (another kettle of
fish, we’re not looking that way right now)
and though to check my Ephemeris and see just how the actual
(tropical) degrees lined up with the days
a little loose
so really
I’m giving a leap day today
to account for some of the slips
it seems my full solar progression will not be complete this year til
July 5th

there will be one more leap day
later

today
well
a new year
in another way

what are you dreaming about?

the friend I woke up next to said his dreams turned him anxious just
before waking
I had the good sense to throw my arms and legs around him
and bring him into the day feeling good
rabbit rabbit

let’s talk of friends like that
conscious, he said, not to be an energy drain
he never has been for me
(though he has been a great cause of self-inflicted grief… it was
part of our agreement back then)
but always
when he touches me
he has an amazing ability to bring me fully into my body emotionally
truely
snapping me out of whatever head-land i might be lost in

he’s one of the rare people I usually sleep well with
I often slide in next to him
my arm under his head
and just melt into sleep
if he snores
it’s never bothered me

and he’s beautiful

today he took me to meet an old friend of his we ran into at the final
days of the Marina Ambramovic show at the MoMa
a guy I fell in love with the moment I saw him

after spending the day with him
I’m fully in love with him
what’s cool is
he’s ASexual
which simplifies things
I don’t have to want that, or worry about it, or push for it.
it’s just removed from the equation

he’s brilliant (and beautiful in mine eyes) and crazy in a wu that is
a good match for me and true in a way unlike most I’ve dealt with

I think I will learn music with him

new prospects
progressions

today was beautiful from start to finish
after that
I went to Spa Castle and met friends there
perfect for ending this sickness shit I’d been dealing with
Yeah
kick off that crysalis
on to new things, yes

but first
rest
— I am looking a bit gaunt
perhaps it’s just that I’ve been avoiding dairy for three weeks and am
mostly clear of mucous now
which tends to make faces look deflated
but this pic makes me look far too meak!

.iP

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again, no satisfying pictures taken today
all silly
or just bad
but it’s the day
a lovely day
fifteen minutes of rain
with sun all around
some focused yoga and meditation in the morning
the line from a Brainiac song flitting through my head
"nothing ever chang-es
on its own"
and conceptualizing that I actually have to do all the work I
continually try to get out of doing

see
I’m a kaot
my whole life I’ve dismantled order around me and put it back together
one thing when it’s a toaster
another entirely when it’s a world view
still more when it’s a world
but that’s what I do
so
all my harranging myself
I understand now that I really do have to take the time to be present
with the minutia of my life
the way my blood flows
the way my heart beats
where my thoughts go
how my chakras pump–
spin

I was sitting in a position today
locked into a powerful flow
and felt myself root down into the core of life in my space
for the first time ever
consciously
I have to do this every day
the sentient being of the potted plant
to will the roots to spread
direct desire to grow the flower

I’ve been getting compliments on my writing lately
my hearts desire
yes
my flower
the seductress’ power
I’m coming into clarity
even as my heart still rattles with my occasional cough

I need to dip into death from time to time to sharpen my taste for life

and then I
and then I

Sister
thank you for the burger
the street filled with broken people bend around their abuser
and beautiful people
and sexy people
and sweaty people

lost in the park
calling all my daddies
a morning of the wounds with fathers
Sylvia and Polly Jean
Daddy
lusty daddies
us and our perversions
our desperate desires

lost in the park
arriving on time
when it’s over

"there’s only now no Ever After"

Grizzly Bear were so lovely
entirely not rock stars
just playing music for us

Band of Horses
(makes that sound horses make in dismissal)
but the space was by the river
and watching the sun set was beautiful
beautiful
the air was warm and fresh
with friends
family
beautiful

a nice ending to the year
Sun moves into Cancer tomorrow at 7:32am
tonight it definately the shortes night
tomorrow the longest day

and what will the new year bring?

(love you)

.iP