Month: April 2010

of course I love Rufus’s new album
I bought it twice
and didn’t bother to refund one

he’s in the style of Tori Amos
circa 1995

the girls are just friends

.iP

imagining loving

I said
“what he does with language is amazing to me… the way he talks about relationships… it’s very complicated for him… as it is for me. it’s similar. he talks about aspects of being in relation in a way I’ve never heard before”

and I paused
barefoot in the sun on the roof
broom in my hand
on the edge of terror

he said “well, it’s good you know yourself so well!”

“know myself so well, on my own, alone in my own apartment”

blessed
I am
with friends
and the men I imagine could be lovers
and the lovers I’ve had
the lovers I still love

I called one of them on the phone
who I reminded I was a snake
and he falls in love with snakes
one who bit him recently
he’s such a sweet mama cow
falling in love with dreams of green pastures
mistaking his snakes for the grass they slide through

it seems obvious to me
the difficulty of loving
how could it not be?
look at this convoluted world we live in!

he said I’d be alright
I always seem to have fun

I told him I like to have fun
but never understand what people mean when they say “I just want to have fun!” or even “I just want to be happy”
these things are effects of doing things
how Try To Be Happy?
life has to be lived.
Happiness and Fun happen
and grasping at them.. does that help?
They mean nothing to me on their own
perhaps i’m cursed with the desire for meaning
I want to understand
process
rip shit up
refine
chew on
and Have Fun!

but there we are
I go to a party
talk about animal sex
(an enthralled audience)
his two children
how angels love buttfucking
that horrible yogi kid who bitches about everything
a beautiful Lebanese boy from Saõ Paulo
heading down to the mountain tomorrow morning

the birthday boy
another I could be in love with

talking about falling in love with fantasies
what about that French guy?
what about the uraguyan?
the puerto rican?
the Italian?
the German?
the jew?
what about all the other lovers I’m forgetting?
how’m I gonna pick them up and love them
palm up to receive
to accept the dance

work to do first
in my busy schedule (of self abuse)
(and squandered potential)
looking for meaning
making meaning
learning my own language
and how to speak with otherd
in awe

.iP

.flickr-photo { }.flickr-yourcomment { }

wow, places I’ve taken photos with my iPhone… certainly the coolest native iPad trick I’ve found

.flickr-photo { }.flickr-yourcomment { }

I say it three times

twice today
this time by fingers

I dip in and out of what level I’m existing on
(we all do, right?)
some transitions slide as a snake
some have jagged edges
some that catch me often are like this:

I always thought the character Satan was absurd
fiction like the Santa clause
some boogieman to step through when you got old enough
five thousand years? fifty?
I dunno, but I never thought he was real anyway
though he was often in my dreams
a character I must battle with my sexuality
who could seduce the other into giving up his soul?
to claim all his power, history, triumphs and failures
for many nights
I must do this battle to save my family, to save the hostages (there
would be terrorists, house jackers, kidnappers, taking over the school)
and we would start the courting
distraction
they would escape behind me
of course, I was the real prize anyway
and I lost
night after night
disappearing over the precipice
night after night
dissolving into
the darkess over the brink
fading to black..
or
the black of his hooves
of his horns
his tail
eye brows
pupils
the red of his phallus, scrotum
(where I keep my keys)
.flickr-photo { }.flickr-yourcomment { }

in time
I had learned so much from him
I started to beat him
take him into me

I could never tell if we just melded better because my skill increased
or because he possesed me
and I had become him
and could inhabit him as a reflection

but I wasn’t scared of him
nor thought of him as something on this plane to contend with
(this?)

(-I was wrestling my teacher. born again baptist. he’d often mention
Satan. ejactulation deflation-)

of course
in philosophy
and psychic realms
I have encountered Evil
in so many conversations, movies, stories, paradigms people accept
unquestioningly as reality. archeatypes.

I always snag there
because I don’t believe evil is Evil… so it’s not evil… thus
doesn’t work how others suppose it to

it took me a long time to
understand Intelligence
and that Order was
and intelligent
I started from believing in chaos
that was all
but met God and gods
saw the order in intelligence
and chaos became the solution
order dissipated into
soluble to dissolution

but thus
chaos to me is a lack of intelligence
as cold a lack of heat
not Evil
supposing Evil is an intelligence opposing order
I understand the position of The Other
opposition is fun
we all enjoy an audience
but it’s not always a competition

I get tangled in the hairs I’m spilitting

is Evil just trying to do Good
with enough blind spots to eat its tail?
or is that the shape of Order entire?

that’s the way I see it
mistakes made
or very clever tricks
to get away with the pleasures of excess
to believe in something to be afraid of
living the tail
ceaselessly chased by a fierce monster we must flea…

or am I naive?
is there an
intelligence that would happily destroy itself. or me… if it is
possible something could be truely entirely Other than what I am of…
why worry?

I don’t.
I like it better that way.

still, I struggle
it’s part of the fun
I can’t see my other hand
slight
That’s Entertainment

then that other snag
not too terribly common for me
yet gives me pause
how many spirits
gods
angels
aliens
are pulling strings
really
what am I driven by
pushed by
limited
to an intelligence?
another hierarchy
superceding the reality I can be aware of
(but when I find my way up the threads…)
.flickr-photo { }.flickr-yourcomment { }

.iP

.flickr-photo { }.flickr-yourcomment { }

but we live together now
hopefully it will be a fruitful pairing

.iP

I’m going to try to say it
this way
or

being in houses where the love has died
stalks around like a zombie
devouring every ungaurded spark

Yes, children: this is why you are taught fear and protection
from the unborn souls of lovers who only have animosity between them
Ghouls who haunt darkened rooms
lovers who never learned how to make love
but their actions create only an emptiness
a negative love that eats your heart

darling…

we went into the forest
imagining ourselves a force of nature
siding with nature as if to give ourselves purpose
calling ourselves little fleshy tornadoes
throwing our soft bodies agaist that fallen tree
you told me you were eternally 23
or could you drop the 3?
I just wanted to climb and enjoy
you were obsessed with destruction
making your mark on the world in the easiest way
take a bite out of life

rend asunder

he comes across again
hadn’t seen him in two years
since then
I’ve learned about Capricorns
(remember: everytime yIu think yIu Know something, yIu better look again)
he says he’s learned that he’s bi-polar
which I’d always known about him, really
but he’s switched drugs again
heavier than he’s ever been
(still, I have no idea how people gain seventy pounds…)
under control now
he seems as manic as he’s always been
maybe I just do that to him?
like all my capricorns
I have to pry him off

but it’s nice to see him again
I guess

coming to some clear perception
about how I have no trouble having sex with guys in relationships
but I hate being a mistress
I don’t care how hot I am
or great or smart or beautiful
you can’t just use me for that
and not be my friend

oh
you can if you pay me
then it’s just me violating my contract
wanting more than I’m being offered…

why does my heart come out in situations like these?
the vacume draws it out?
so attractively made the unattainable?

i want to
give it as a reason
I don’t want to be your lover
I don’t want to be your mistress
I want to be your friend
invite me over for cocktails
bring me to the opening
love me in front of your friends and family
(here I go again)

how do I fit into your story?
with all the others
you’ve known since I was in diapers?
” well, I met him at a sex party/
on-line in a moment of dirty lust
we didn’t do much talking before we were inside eachother
he’s a perfect distraction from my own firmament,
Charles, you, Mother, He’s…”

(she said:
” There are Two Things missing in my life:
Love and Money
if I could Steal them
maybe i’d be
Happy.”
)

violent
nerdy
ugly man
ill fitting clothes
hands (neck, chest) covered in tattoos
right wrist: Father; left: Mother
a dragon’s mouth underneath
I would rub your sad little bald head
if you wouldn’t bite my hand off
– you look at me with those puppy-dog eyes

up in those trees
swaying in the wind
wet bark under my feet
fortie miles from the ground
find the right angle to saw the threads
holding on those broken branches
pushing them down
butting my queer shoulder to it
breaking the dead ones
bare toes playing with the sap
there was some terrible pain in me

the iron blade against the faerie flesh?
the human body easily broken by the fall?
the loneliness so far away
in the arms of a great old strong lover
body all snapped into pieces
unable to give me solace nor comfort
no task able but to help him in his decline
I…
completed the mission
and worked my way down
that terrible horror
beating in my breast
Awake Now

it’s just the way I feel now
rubbing his body
how could I ever make anyone else ever feel any better
I’m so broken!
how can I heal!
i know
i know…
but what does he really want?

old man on the phone tells me about his lovers
the one he’s been with 48 years
the one he’s been with 10
the one he’s been with 10 years
three muskateers
and the man taking care of his mother

and that Spanish one from Paris
met his first trip to Europe
partnered to a wealthy Parisian
who only wanted his boy to be happy
a man of many skills
and languages
a good heart
came to America and moved in
and still inherited the fortune
and the apartment in Paris

well, I said, my life is blessed, but not like that
I launched into my story
and got lost somewhere in there
coming upon the stumbling block of my failed heart
my fouled body
no idea where my future will go
no innocence left to buy a Gepetto
just my stubborn naïvety
to push through my insane hopes
into forbidden landscapes
I cannot see clearly
story lost in the dark…

still, I have the ability to keep telling it
to see it while it’s happening
by the million different lights that fall upon it
I can tell it
eventually
it will be told

little boys
living in
man-bodies
I see their faces on the trains
skin grown thick
but a ball cap on
trying to look tough
or fly
Danny said I’m growing into my Man Body
“you used to have such a boy body!” he said, “are you just going to let yourself get big?”
as I grow up
I can only hope the increase of my inner-size expands my body
and not just the common bloating from lonliness and fear of feeling all the things I don’t want to deal with

I hope I can meet it all
and eat it
and digest it well
and grow up big and strong
solid
complete
I only hope…

.iP

just watched the play “Next Fall”
the Episcopal Bishop, Gene Robinson, was there for a talk-back
what luck

the arguments between the born-again-ish-evangelist and the athiest-evangelist lovers were tiring
so much re-treading matters un-communicable
but what was well illustrated made me so grateful I don’t ever have to have those conversations anymore

in the talk-back afterwards, the actress playing Holly spoke of her respect for someone who fought against their upbringing and came out a better person (relative term, I know)

I was so angry at Christianity as a child:
it didn’t help
it wasn’t true
it didn’t make anything better
and just like everything else
it excluded me and confirmed I was unloved

of course I hated God
of course I killed God
and wanted to kill all gods
the god in the hearts of anyone who believed in one
all those gods that hated me

being an Athiest was so horrible
that kind of Athiest
the kind that believes in nothing but the truth that Chaos exists
discounting all the order
believing in nothing but meat and shit
a short life of pointless suffering
with such anger at the people who had their Faith

it started at puberty
the backlash against all the people that failed to love me as a child
Then, a scant years later, with the teacher I seduced, he being a virgin at my age now… a baptist born again
slamming me down on the wrestling matts
cracking my ribs as he punched my chest
and crushed himself into me
giving me physical pain over my heart
where before it was intangible
desperately wishing he could push hard enough to break through my body
get inside me
fill me with love
his faith

all I got was his guilt and shame

it was fun
anyway
hanging off the brink of living as I was
it was something

it was years later
days and nights of Acid
Mushrooms
lost in the desert
losing my friends
their faces eternal
their hands outstretched
nodding
giving up
leaving this unloving god alone in the desert
leaving me alone with god
face to face
no one else in the room
eternity
to fight it out

it was in a forest in Oregon
mushrooms
the womb of Mother Earth
the hot springs that washed me out
taught me the “magic of Jesus”
that let me die

forget about all that lack-love
floating free

it took traveling to Brazil with my mother
some crazy spiritual healer she thought was an avatar of Jesus
so I could hear God say “I don’t care if you believe in me or not, I Love You Anyway”

it took years of Yoga too
it took having a lover who was an Episcopal Priest
who loved me through all my bullshit
not in the way a woman loves a man
but the way a man loves a man
a man who gave himself two masses a day
who I saw have an intimate relationship with a God and His Son that I didn’t believe in
but saw through his love
to be the God I found in the desert
in Yoga
in the Forest
in Zikir
in the eyes and words of anyone else I’d ever met with a faith based in Love
to understand that Christanity means to talk about that same God
often forgetting
getting so caught up in the games of High School
of War
of Country Club members and executives
the games of the Elietists of any sect
who need so to be included
who doubt so much their own ability to love and be loved
that they resort to hate
in any of its form
to secure their illusitory superiority
to discount any doubt anyone else ever makes them feel

I really wanted to give the bishop a hug
but of course
I want to give everyone a hug

the play is pretty well done
infuriating as any misunderstanding about something so instrinsic is
but very funny and human

highly recommended
if you’re into experiencing witnessing that sort of transformation

.iP

Humans-

you’re pissing me off
Really? Terrorism Again?
I thought we were getting over it?
I understand it’s good TV
and you’re shy and greedy
want what you want
find it hard to compromise with the people you’re fucking over
and have integrity with yourself
but really
do you need another 2000 years of blood?
Kali Yug and all that
I get it
but every mother fucker and his brother is reading articles in the paper about Plans in the Polish Crash
and the Plots to destroy the Subways
and Oprah
and I’m sick of it

it goes way beyond any sort of fear factor I have
I’m just tired of seeing the same fucking episode of Reality TV all the time cuz no one can come up with anything else to do
It’s not That Entertaining!
Fucking Drop It Already!
find some new toys to play with
Root Chakra being Threatened by The Boogey man is Boring
been done to death
and always leads to the same thing

come up with some new games to play, please
have a party over some dead queen
and stop being such control freaks
geeze

I really do want to show up to the party
but I’m not participating in this drama, got it?

.iP

I saw some science special years ago
where they let white mice build up societies in captivity
breeding to the hundreds in a tight space
they charted them every day for years
and saw the creations of classes
and the creations signs of the down fall of all over-crowded civilization
I remember them presenting it like this
“as the population reaches a certain saturation.. many mice lose interest in performing their traditional tasks
some only eat and do nothing else
some entirely avoid eating
instead isolating themselves and grooming themselves incessantly
vanity and other disorders, including homosexuality”

I was a bit fascinated that this had been prompted with mice in a labratory
with no TV or Theater!

I’m reading a book now called “the gay metropolis” that talks about the building of the current Gay Society
focusing on New York City
but meaning the entire world (paralax)

in the 40’s
they made a big deal of constantly referring to the thriving accepance of gay culture in Wiemar Germany indicating how sick society had become to let Hitler come to power

then they would talk about the downfall of Rome had the same cause
as proof homosexuality was a disease

but is it, indeed, a symptom of a sick society?
a “cancer”
they called it
like bodies polluted with preservatives and processed poisons produce malignant “organs” to attempt to deal with all the foreign chemicals pushing through the tissues

are homosexuals existant in an attempt by nature to help society balance its insanity?

as per my early fascination with Whitman and Ginsberg being such Activists
and later the Radical Faeries
I always have believed there is a special purpose we have
and I know (and read) many other queers have the same feeling
even though many of us become jaded
most queer who recognize themselves as such when they are young often feel the same

…in the concept of the Winkte
the queer shamans in sine aboriginal cultures
surely they weren’t over populated
but perhaps it’s not about population density
but maturity
certainly native American civilizations were well ordered
permitting our [undeniably advanced] brethren to emerge
but to emerge into a useful and respected position in society
(as I imagine Priests once were in Catholicism)

has anyone more academic than I done reasearch on this angle I could explore?

.iP

.flickr-photo { }.flickr-yourcomment { }

well, these things happen
I’ve made wishes my whole life that have evaporated with a sigh
but this one was different

I walked outside and everyone was gone
well, the stuff of them

there was blood and parts
but it all looked like it happened a while ago
old scabs flaking off
a wound I forgot where from

there are fires still burning somewhere
my imagination could go there
but I can’t risk that luxury right now
I get the point
the lesson
what thoughts in my head
evil magicks I play with
what simple dreams kids come up with
endlessly wishing for it all to go away

I should have known…

I did know

my rate of manifestation was getting so close to present
I was seeing cause and effect clearly
it was working for little desires
it was working with all my messey emotional baggage
that was backlashing against all my pure desires
poisoning all my attempts at loving
just like I’ve been doing my whole life
but in thought only, then
in the quietude of my lonely room

now the entire city is razed

this one…

maybe the entire world…

how much did my mind slip?
and how do I undo it?

I’ve learned, of course
rather, I know
there is no UnDoing
no Reverse
just movement

Order is a delicate structure
tenuously grown over
… Time

I became so obsessed with control
I overstepped my bounds
I knew where I wasn’t supposed to go
but it was my passion
not the great saviour
but the destroyer

can I somehow swirl all of this up and make sone useful pâté of it?

I certainly can’t will everything back into motion
bring everyone back into the living…

…

after quite a few hours I’ve realized everything is fine
I’ve hurt no one
destroyed nothing

I just broke off
all my channeled energy creating a paralell reality for me to have
lucky mee
where the moss grows free
the wind pulls the buildings down

fine
have it, son
we don’t need you here
but everyone gets what they need
happy birthday to you

I walked around the streets of what I used to know
and realize this is all useless to me know

I’m leaving it behind
heading off now to be one with the forest
more food
more fodder
no eyes needed in the realm of just being

if anyone does find this after making their own break
remember to make better seeds of yourself

we don’t need anymore loving
that rends us limb from limb

.iP

.flickr-photo { }.flickr-yourcomment { }

I spent the day upstate near beautiful Katonah playing Jesus (Christ) as President. the photos will be great…

now I’m heading in to see an old friend and probably eat some rabbit and eggs with my [NYC] family

you can read about our luscious pagan origins from Alpha Dictionary:

• Easter •

Pronunciation: ee-stêr • Hear it!

Part of Speech: Noun, proper

Meaning: The Christian holiday celebrating Christ’s resurrection from the dead.

Notes: You might find it strange that we celebrate Christ’s resurrection with rabbits and eggs. As in so many other cases (e.g. mistletoe and Santa Claus), these symbols have non-Christian origins. Because new life emerges from eggs, they have long been a symbol of the rebirth of nature in spring after its winter-long death. The Persians, Greeks, and Romans interwove this symbol into their spring-time celebrations.

In Play: Easter existed long before Christianity as a festival of spring and fertility (see Word History). That is why Easter is not directly associated with the date of the resurrection, but the day of the first full moon after the vernal equinox. The hare (now the rabbit) and the egg appeared as symbols of fertility in the original celebrations and continue today despite their pagan heritage. We wish all our Christian friends a happy Easter and our Jewish friends a happy Passover.

Word History: Easter descended from Proto-Germanic Austron, the goddess of the sunrise, rebirth, and fertility, Eastre in Old English. The root goes back to aus- “to shine” in Proto-Indo-European, the language from which most Indian and European languages derive. This word was originally aus- “to shine”, and appears, with the S replaced by an R, in Latin Aurora, the Roman goddess of dawn. It is also at the root of German österreich “eastern kingdom”, today the name of Austria if capitalized. Most Western European languages use a variant of HebrewPesach “Passover” for “Easter”, as in Latin Pasche, French Pâques, Spanish Pascua, Swedish Påsk, but also Russian Paskha.

Oh!
so many stories to tell
I almost forgot to pass on a story someone told me

in midævil time
the holy painting depicting Jesus’ return on Easter
showed him walking from the mouth of the tomb naked with a hardon

it was the easiest visual signifier to show he was alive again, flesh, all the blood was flowing
(hella morning wood, right?)

most of these pictures were destroyed by the church in recent times as they became more puritanical
(I don’t remember the dates, a few hundred years ago)

some were just discovered though
some monks had hidden them in some abbey
probably for private contemplation (har har har)
.iP

.flickr-photo { }.flickr-yourcomment { }

first day to lay in the sun
and the wind is chilly