Month: March 2010

in my late teenage years
I was in a love triangle
two boys and a girl
and there were secondary and further auxiliary loves related to us
but we were the core
my parental model of failed love scared me away from the ideal of satisfaction in a couple
and lead me to desperately trying to understand Love and how it could possibly be nourishing and sustainable
(that and a heavy dose of breakup pop songs)
after a significant acid trip in my 18th summer
the idea gestated and took root of three specific nutrients of love

for many years I was always testing my relationships against these ideals
and then let that all go

just a few weeks ago I remembered them
and had forgot what they were…

yesterday
after working on a client for three hours
they all came back to me
making perfect sense again
as if there were no wonder in them (maybe that was why I abandoned them?)

the three aspects are simple:
sexual
intellectual
and
existential

sexual:
of course you can love someone primarily through sex
the perfect fit
firing high on passion
bodies dissolving into each other
remaking, renewing, discovering aspects of yourself previously hidden
happily exhausting the heart
as in a cardiovascular workout
but infusing every cell with joy…

perhaps each aspect could be described the same?

intellectual:
the person who understands everything you say
can follow every thought
complete them where you’re stumped
inspire you to new directions in your idea’s pathways
play the perfect devil’s advocate with out being annoying
or be the ideal audiance to work out your own mind with
being equally entertaining as an orator…

Existential….
that was always more difficult to articulate, such is life
but it’s the person you talk with on the phone
tell your daily travails and adventures to
the person you eat with
the person you walk in a park with
or disengage with
perfect
just watch tv and feel entirely comfortable

of course
I often found the relationship imbalanced:
a person I loved talking with
but they always wanted to fuck
and I didn’t want to go there

a person to just hang out with
be
and then I’d get aggrivated he was so intellectually dull

or, likewise
awesome sexual partners who weren’t good cuddlers or present at all to my mind

of course I imagined a gigantic family of lovers as my ideal model
a great sex mate, who spent more time cooking and knitting with another lover
and then the ideal conversationalist and artistic partner who had two twinks he was always having three ways with
then that big soft dopey mother who I could lay on like a couch and play with his beard, walk through the park with…
they would have their ideal counterparts in the same house
and we’d all live happily ever after

I came to a point of seeing relationships as too difficult entirely
because I wanted to figure out all my kinks
all my self deception, dysfunctional truths, all my wounds
I wanted to live perfect, happy, productive and free
but was overwhelmed and terrified, of course
being drawn to men who would try and comfort me into forgetting
which was only a temporary fix
because my brain would kick back in and I’d start checking to see if they’d honestly solved my problems, which they hadn’t, nor even intended to
and more so
came with a whole slew of they’re own which they had in turn shelved or expected me to take on

despite our best intentions
that codependent model has never really flown

lazy

but how impossibly difficult with one other person! not to mention the mess I took myself to be

no, no hope for my family ideal, no
so I threw out the tertiary construct
and figured I’d have better luck shoe-horning second-bests into one candidate

that didn’t work either
and, tiring of seeing people I loved terrorized by my monster of a heart
I gave up entirely (again) on the idea of coupling
and now aim to just work on myself crumb by crumb
and enjoy the live I can share
when and with who
is in the right spot at the right time

of course
there is a gnawing dissatisfaction with this as well
knowing partners are possible
but possible as I can idealize them?
uhhh
or “can I settle for love?”

.iP

just woke from a dream where I was swimming with a hot daddy bear in a pool
with a gigantic crinder In it
he’d be nice then try and shove me into the grinder
the second time I turned on him and used some Tae Kwon Doe
and shoved him in

he survived
but it ripped his scalp off
which made him then look like the Predator alien thing with dreads around the pate of his bare skull

I had to defend my actions in front of our friends, his sons, and my mother
I was generally understood
as he recently ground up some frat boy type

I wasn’t going down like that

.iP

I couldn’t help today
I wanted to hear some song, no
transfer videos to my iPhone
so turned on my computer
but instantly turned off the wifi so I could get stuff around the house:
the Internet is infinitely temptingfor me
and endless: I always fall down that slippery slope
but listened to Oracular Spectaular and the Tine to Pretend EP while doing the dishes and watering plants
before I turned it on to watch the Kids video on YouTube
then I was driving myself crazy obsessing over bellies and furry chests and thighs: I lost it twice before I got up to do sone laundry and shopping around town
never made the eggs I had intended to

but still
a useful Monday for domestique basics
when will I ever edit any of the growing list of pictures?

Yoga was pretty amazing tonight
we had three others there
and I felt surisingly strong and clear
we went about two hours
including some partner stuff I learned from the HNY experience a few weeks back, the standing cycle and the Tibetan rites stuff… it was very energizing.
then a great meal of Veal Stew
amazing spicy asparagus
and conversation
smoke
conversation and wine
then retiring to the rug for a bit of Salvia
two virgin experiences
and Again I forgot the propensity it has for opening up the Abyss
and I wondered if it can be metered better:
a slight smoke just shines the light from the abyss on life… gives everything more depth
perhaps a medium dose would open the door without it opening all the way through to the black-hole punchured through reality
but just let different layers be reached

I’m extreme
and often deal only with life and death
but I know there are other realms that are real and active:
I do desire to know them

can salvia help me with that?

it was 23:00 after the second journeier was back on solid ground
and our hosts were tired
so we all took off
I started writing
but became a bit obsessed with a large man sitting across from me
(I’ll post a picture on flickr)
the long nails on his hands
the way he worked his fingers
large and clumbsy
nervously
his face
staring into his iPhone
his large thighs filling his jeans
like sausage

nom nom nom

and I got off again
at w4th
to take Tony’s keys back to him fro
house sitting at his place last week

though we had gone to Spa Castle yesterday
I forgot to give him his keys back then
he’d just had fours hours of sex when I arrived!
he was also very energetic
what IS the moon doing tonight?

Spring is Here!
I wore a spring jacket tonight
it’s so lovely
though I do miss the winter
I love scarves and big coats
… but I am so looking forward to laying naked in the sun…

yesterday at the spa
I saw a guy i’d seen there before
a big Dominican
with the perfect face
dark skin
paler fingernails punctuating his big fingers
we have a good connection
but I watched him when I first arrived
he made it clear he was with an X who was very jealous and just didn’t want to go there: so I gave him plenty of space.., and just looked and thought of What did I find so attractive in him
there were other big guys there I found attractive. big Russian, Big Italian… I conceptualized it in a new way
seeing them as beasts
and my attraction being a socially acceptable form of beastiality:
these men I always think of as entirely different creatures than I
that’s how I’m Hetero
enjoying the Other Species
interspecies mating
mmmmm
mmmm
mmmmmanyway
what else to relate?
I’ll try and sleep well when I get home
a friend was at the Addams Family
we aren’t friends as much as former doppelgängers (since he cut his long hair off there is no resemblance)
it was the first time we really hung out, the two of us
he had to eat, I’d eaten already
so while he was eating
I was talking with some great kids at the bar
here’s the trouble
I had the feeling we were all the same age
this is new for me
I used to call all my friends “kids” when I was in my 20’s
I still think they’re kids
but I’m less so
one was born in ’86!
we were talking about something… being in New York and California
and I said ” yeah, fuck Kansas: they don’t need it!”
they were all from Kansas
Great Job!
Lawrence
grew up with Burroughs
the man about town
Dandy arrived and knew one of the older fellows
the place was hopping
we had the window
Kevin arrived and we talked the show
it was such an exciting feeling
I was inspired
but did I write anything on the way home?
just that little ditty about Love
because the Musical made me feel insecure about it
taking something so lightly I find so terribly heavy…

ah, my great off-set

nearly home now
kitchari tomorrow, I think
gotta detox this terrible feeling I’ve had all week
no sugar for a few days!

mwa mwa mwa

.iP

cleaning the toaster oven today
the brown burnt grease
the crumbs in the hinge
scraping them out with a knife

a heavy sigh
why is this depressing?

it’s spring
we know it
we can feel it

I put on my ranger whipcord
I’m late as always
the train is my enemy today
and gets stuck
long stops at every platform
ten minutes waiting
but it’s w4th
so I run the F
wait a while for it anyway…

where is the pocket in this jacket?
it’s not as nice
as my raggedity old one
…when I was a traveler…
with its torn cuffs…
hemmed, I did, with red cord-a-roy
and suede

a little bit of nostalgia
on such a nice day
a heavy sigh
but I’m late
and can’t let this slow me down

.iP

but love is the most reliable trope to exploit

take any dress
any suit
haven’t I said this a thousand times?
it’s been said six billion times
more

love is the easiest meme to run
hang any dress on it
see how it dances
any suit
it will fight

it doesn’t even need to have clothing
that’s why it works anywhere
Naked
Love compells all

but that’s how I prefer Love
Naked

perhaps I consider dressing it up in politics or humour a sacrilidge
I have a tender sense of humour
I can’t take a fucking joke, man

I ain’t degrading
I’m just saying

I love you

.iP

advice for Luke

in the future
if someone says to you

I like many things to drink
but I don’t like vodka
and all you ever offer me is vodka
rarely with a mixer or even chaser
and I am tired of drinking vodka with you

but you are lonely
and thirsty
and want to drink with that person again
the Wrong thing to do is say
I know you made it clear to me that you do not like vodka
but would you like to come over and get very drunk on vodka with me tonight?

you will not, again, hear any response

offer them wine
or beer
or Even Water
anything might work better
than offering them, again, what they’ve clearly told you they do not want from you

even if you think it’s all you have to give
struggle to find something else for them
they may have another drink with you yet

.iP

is that when sex is best?
when it’s out of control?
or could there be a greater balance
to work in unison…

when the body jolts
bucks
when all better rationale is thrown to the wind
leave the house at two a.m.!
get very drunk!
coke every day for weeks!
a task put before us
derailed by desire

yes
lust
for the beauty in the eyes
the hips
the belly
or the shaft
The Beard!

lust overtaking any judgement or descision
cast off!
take what we want!
Now!

Passion!
Real Passion!

or

the path of
discipline
walking on cue
with core
following the path
the Staight and Narrow!

all of these words are Trite!
we did (tried doing) this for so long
you’ve heard it all before
How Boring!

what if every step was fully conscious
the prana like mist around your naked feet
tendrils out to the earth
aye, up from the stones
wrapping your ankles
lifting up to your thigh

Like a Mist, your own personal Cloud
Fucking Stratosphere
your own entire Atmosphere
yes
in just it’s place
not swayed too heavy by the moon

but for love
for passion
the clouds of water and acid mingling
green and pink
tendrils
intertwined
as your hand touches her skin
and the shock is felt to the core
spirit not limited to the body
passing through wrists
bellies
mingling
in a full rainbows
full consciousness in both of us
breath in tow
deeper and longer
throat opening into lungs
breathing mist
making rain in our unified new ecosystem
in accord
with penetration
a puncturing
sliding in
colours emerging
and being consumed

can we be aware of every detail?
nit even this imagination can contain that
how can we?

but I imagine
with a dense concentration
precipitating rivers
in that lake
or ocean
currents finding their place
instigated with fire and lightning
supported by a bubble
a cauldron

a Real connection
an Actual decision being made

a new world being formed?

is this why we keep forgetting?
and letting it all pass through our fingers
with exhausted sighs?

.iP

about women, I now know

I don’t know anything about women
I’m painfully aware of how little of them I have in my life
and my perception is that all of the women in my life are needy, difficult, trouble.
I know this isn’t the whole truth.
I have seen othen women
at moments

the truth is
everyone is needy, difficult, trouble
at times
I imagine I am the person they come to at those times
I have the juice, the answers
or the patience
and only later do I vomit it up
here

so I imagine what their times of strength are
perhaps when they hold their tongue
or punish their child
or take on the difficult task of their Man or Society
when I am ignorant of them
and taking them for granted

but I wanted to relate a scene from Bright Star I found poignant
where Keats is explaining to her that poets write to make people see or accept or be OK with Mystery
and she replies ” I love Mystery! ”
and all the subtext is
he writes for Men to Accept Mystery
because women already do
they are full of mystery
love and fear mystery
live in mystery all the time

it’s no secret
no task
no struggle to attain
it’s natural

yet men
they strive to know and solve everything
that which they cannot
they fear
as it speaks of their limitations
which implies their failure
and if they cannot best it
they would rather obliterate it
all except their love object
who holds their weakness and strength in the same vessel
that’s what The Other is created for
to contain our absence, or faults
And for us to Love

.iP

so
today

(enough of Before Today, though I was happy to hear that song again… good shuffle!)

nothing much
I woke around ten AM, having slept 11 hours
practiced a series of Mudras
burned some DVDs
while being stick in a bearfront hole
but felt good I got a stack I’d burns made for Goat. more to go

client at noon
odd
to have a weekly client
noticing how his body is changing
a friendly repore

drank a whole bottle of kombucha
bathroom sink clogged
ate a grapefruit
and five cookies from whole foods

burned more DVDs
made lists of other things to do

lost control
brushed my teeth
headed down to the Armory show

avoided the colourful Beardy artists who shade me
was a wee bit of a critical bitch with the latinos: if you’re going to recreate an image: stage it properly
talked with the two Beardy designers
went out to eat BBQ
though I didn’t want to leave
got to beef ribs
fucking rocked

lusted after Fester
but drank at Cleo’s and finally got to kiddy and stick my thumb in the hood of the sexy Frenchman I’ve lusted for years
then talked with a fascinating linguist
but left just before karaeoke started
because I have to work tomorrow morning

I’m thinking of asking Danny to take the mornings for me so I don’t have to wake up early:
I’m just a 10am kinda guy

almost home

hopefully I’ll sleep soon

.iP

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