4 tp of green gunpowder
1/2 cup of sugar
1/2 cup of “crystaline fructose”
bottled:
cinnamon honey (virgil’s unlabeled)
chwynprass (virgil’s ripped label)
black currant (unlabled)
ginger preserve (grolsch)
schizandra, touch of maple syrup (tall)
.flickr-photo { }.flickr-yourcomment { }
I was only dismissing it because you made a choice and then self-pitied
I don’t encourage such behaviour
you could have just come and said hi
you needed no performance
I appreciate the muffins
but all I wanted was you
and beyond that
I wanted to offer you something
you could have come
tired anyway
you didn’t have to
you never comitted
you could have just said "not today, another time"
but to make drama and sadness is not something I want to participate in
nor encourage you to do in the future
it’s a choice
choose what you want
when I hear people say "I want this" I say "how? let’s make it happen"
and we try
I quickly lose my patience with people talking about wanting something
then avoiding and distracting so as not to make it happen
I do that all the time to myself
and I hate it
it wastes my life
I don’t want anymore of that
if I ever had a friend
I would not let him get away with it
and I would count him as a friend if he helped me likewise
I know we forget completely
I don’t fault you for it
nor am I saying you’ve no right to do it
I’m just saying
you didn’t lose no fuckin balloon
it’s right here, Dorothy
come’ere come’ere, cutie
we want you to play in the sunshine with us
"
come as you are
as you were
as I want you to be
as a friend
as a trend
as an old enemy
take your time
hurry up
choice is yours
don’t be late
"
.iP
but I had a dream
we went to Ireland again
and I wanted to hide out
my friend Goat
was somehow like willem Defoe
wanted to have sex with a horse
but there were too many people around
I was hiding out in my childhood playroom
bad fake wood paneled walls
I decided I didn’t want to return to America anyway
I was going to go find my old teacher
my dad ripped down all the posters and pictures off the wall
left a few he liked
why’d he have to do this while I was visiting?
my sister complained
about the bowls of food i left lying around
but I’d been distracted by the horse sex and the ripped down posters
I pulled a photo he liked off the wall and balled it up
I threw a tantrum in front of my family
“I hate this family! Irish I weren’t a part of this family”
and opened a fruit roll-up
it was clear!
I was so disappointed in everything
I had no idea what to do
I tried to turn and run
but it woke me up
15 minutes early for my alarm
I felt horrible
not because of all the “bad things” that happened in the dream
but because of what a selfish brat I was
as the reality of the dream began to fade I saw that I’ve done many thongs that hurt people who love me on purpose
because I’m feeling bad
even though the things that have made me feel bad were accidental, not personal, or caused by myself.
such inappropriate behaviour!
and somehow I felt I should share this with you
the morning is cold
everything has cleared
I don’t remember everything
but I have to get ready for work
.iP
my mind is in pieces
lack of sleep?
disruptive energy?
chance, random coincidental chance
all my days have dots in my calendar
I’m keeping myself very busy
and it makes my mind anxious
knowing it will not have any negative space to unfurl into
yesterday
spent the morning walking around Chelsea with Nay and his David
perhaps we will make a troupe of art-lookers
we met another friend of his
walking with a brutish monster dog
he invited him along next month
come with us next month!
I’m always late to meet Nay
but he was later than me this time
and told me he’s often late…
that, coupled with a later conversation about feeling unable to understand current contemporary art
humanized him for me
I’d somehow displaced him
his conversations with David were arcane… references I could not fathom, assuming all of the colorful garbage could be decoded by his intellect
perhaps some
not all (of course!)
reminding me the validity of my own impressions
I’m a different sort
just, different
good
I met up with Adam
who was late
and hung over
and I worried a bit over his alcohol use
he is not a close friend
I’ve only met him a few times
though I like him a lot
he always talks about drinking too much
I was early for two people in one day!
we went out to Spa Castle again
fooled around in the handicap stall
saw some of the regulars
made up for what a bad visit the day before had been
but on the way out there
got a call from a friend inviting me to The Black Party
Friend
I’ve only visited with twice
a hot furry Irish German Aries mutt
and his partner the Indian Iranian Prince
— I’ve been hanging out with lots of couples lately to protect me from Falling in Love
either me or A Someone
of course
many couples feature Extra-Marital Falling in Love as Popular Entertainment
but I suppose I just feel better about not playing along when I know they have someone to sleep with at night
(“though it’s not love/ it means something”)
(*ahem*)
he calls me and invites me to the black party as I’m standing in line to pay to enter the Spa
and says he’ll buy the ticket
asks If I want to go
well no
not really
but yeah
let’s have the experience
I’m kinda terrified (my favourite word these days) of mainstream gay culture
so thought it’d be a good challenge too
and I was dressed in my ripped unionsuit jacket over my Russian striped shirt… maybe is just go naked?
I knew one of my other favourite couples would be there as well
and Nayland had said “it’s an experience… if someone’s paying you should go”
I was fully prepared to leave in a few hours
had a client before hand
a sweet boy who reminds me of the kid from the movie UP
I built up some more lust with him
and flavoured my beard and stache with his cum and headed over to Roseland around 1:30
we went in
checked some clothes
and found Ian immediately
we stuck together a few hours
tricky
to navigate the clumped crowds
holding hands not to lose eachother
we lost the Aries
and I decided to go hide my bag of flyers I collected from the Art galleries that morning
then got a bit distracted
and by the time I got back to where I’d left Ramin
he was gone
I saw Darren though
full fabulosity
and a boyfriend
he seemed in his element and I kinda envied him
I felt this was a very honest party
dancing naked in a forest is more my thing
but this was The City
so this is what it should be
I was surprised by all the nods to trannies
but it was camp
in the way girl drag is
a regular signal of “Gay”u
mainstream
oddly, straight Gay…
I felt like I do in any culture
how there is some stricture to follow that I’ll never understand
and will never succeed at adhering to
so better to just follow my own heart
still, it always makes me feel oddly a failure at so obviously not living up to the common expectations
I felt like I was on another planet
the ubiquitous thunderous metrognome kept us all running around
I watched some guys fuck
then admired a sexy back
and realized it belonged to a guy I loved last year
another couple I’d hoped to make intimate with
but he was a professional psychic
and I was a bit terrified by the pauses he’d make in conversation
so kept fogetting to call him back for a year
he was with his sexy partner
we enjoyed pleasuring eachother
I went back to the bar looking for the friends I came with
Ian was rolling
beautifully happy, sweating
and into his husband like nobody’s business
nobody else
I saw a guy at the bar I’d talked with recently on facebook
friends nowhere in sight
thus guy was cute
but ge was waiting for a drink and I didn’t want to wait
he heard that and grabbed me by the hand and dragged me to the dance floor to start making out
I dunno
I have never really liked making out with people I don’t know in public places
it always makes me feel like I’m suffocating
and I pushed off him
would like to get to know him
but this is not the place
I was just saying Hi
now I was burdened
when I just wanted to slide through the throng like a silverfish
I kept picturing this
but I wasn’t so shiney and got snagged again
a beautiful man!
serious beautiful eyes
muscular/chubby
young
tattoo’d
furry
so fucking hot
but his eyes were deep and hungry
coming up from his heart
he kept smashing his face against mine
trying to eat me or shove himself down my throat
it was kinda terrifying
yeah
he took me aside and kept up the same
I was incredibly uncomfortable
but found him hot
wanted to make a connection
and he kept asking big questions about my life
how was I to explain?
screaming over the thunder?
I thought to have sex with him
and took him to the sex pit
but he was too hungry
too desperate
wanted me too much
and I was drowning in his desire
I pushed off
and left him there in the undulating bodies
I saw him there again hours later
(a day after, Leo explained to me this behaviour is indicative of people rolling on EX)
set back on my course to find my friends
I succeeded quickly
but now he was in the same mood
and though I had madeout with him before
I really couldn’t take it after the past two aggressors
and told him I’d had enough and needed to go home
is been there less than three hours
I headed on because I wanted to circle the place one more time
I got stuck in front of the stage
security gaurds wouldn’t let me leave
fuckers
some fucking tranny queen was having some leather queen rape her with a plunger handle
hot?
he had chocolate in his ass
I could smell it
they licked it and smeared it on eachother
whatever
I pushed through some people and got stuck in another area where they were preparing to hang some bastard by hooks
what the fuck ever
I needed to go
and found my way over to where I had stashed my art flyers
but just then an der slim furry guy with a great mustache (I’d been admiring earlier) made eye contact and we went to the pit and played
he wanted to fuck me
but I’m not into getting fucked in public
I sucked him off though
he said the orgasm was amazing
screamed really loud
demanded contact
his name was
Eli
I pushed into the pit
he being such a top
he didn’t care if I came
and I was now very horny
I tried sone other sex
but it was people wanting me to fuck them
and the space was too tight
I fled again with the intention of leaving
but there
in the sling
some guys fucking
better, behind them
an old Scottish looking daddy
in a polo shirt
certainly in his 60s
my thing
I pulled him aside and sucked him
he came very hard
sweet
heart
I found Ian and Todd again
the Ramin and Gary again
over and hour had passed since I saw them
now they were leaving
I said I’d do one more round
saw some hot daddy in a harness
but like none I’d ever seen before
and his nips were like thumbs
I started to dance with him
his friends left
I tried to get into the chi-gung
I don’t really understand dancing with people except Zikir
I tried to connect with his sexual energy
he moved his hands kinda goofy
I got some connection
some light flowing
but he really wasn’t into me and left with a few crisp words: annoying voice anyway
I saw some gigantic muscle monsters on the dance floor
bears? Gorillaz.
roid freaks? maybe
I moved over near them just to watch
two were gorgeous
but one of the danced just by bopping his legs
huge arms just dangling
great belly, leather suspenders framing
blank face
recalling JYD with the head band and eyebrows
and this other gaggle of huge guys
dancing dancing
and some big bellied bear with a very goofy face, smirking at me
his partner withered and distainful
I danced
not into the metrognome music at all
but watching
trying to play along
trying to make it a sexual experience
or tribal
or whatever this was supposed to be
I was pumping my hips
I was trying to push the testosterone through my arms and legs
I was trying to make my arrogance insurmountable
but it was only trying
I never got pulled along the flow
just bopped to the metronome
after X amount of time I noticed I wasn’t even sweating
and wandered off
this guy named Ed i’d talked with a few times
he was naked but for boots and cockring
I loved his furry belly and hung out with him
playing
but not on a cock or mouth centered way
it was nice
he said he was from here, but lived in CA now
I told him I used to live there
but moved here
because all the men I found really hot out there came from here
I decided I was going to go find one of the roid daddies I saw when I first arrived
he had a face like a dog
a mutant dog
pig. boar. beast.
military ?
his body was so hypoformed by the gym and steroids
and he was In full leather sci-Fu sex warrior costume
I figured he was so entirely different than me
but also a comic book character of my type
that I would offer him a free massage
when I finally found him I tried to stop him and talk to him three times
he didn’t even notice I existed
looked through me
never heard me
I gave up
figuring success was slight anyway
I figured I’d go outside and smoke a cig
some late 50s guy from Boston named Kevin
he was kinda hot
but for grinding his jaw from the x
he was smoking American Spirits
which I can handle
and shared one with him
while educating him on the Faeries
as his eyes darted around
that was six a.m.
I went back in
maybe around again
maybe again and again
I saw the meat monsters
by now they were smelling eachothers’ pits
I approve of such behaviour
though I didn’t butt in
I could enjoy their cloud of testosterone musk from my nipping position near them
a disapporoving female born person (I assume) waved her hand in front of her face in disgust
I moved on
Ian was sucking on Todd
someone else was
tired at tgat point in the evening
jaw tight
not so good
maybe I went around again
and in the pit
some few kids fighting eachother for my dick like piglets
some gigantic Latino (chub)
who pushed my head down
to suck his thumb
sharing with someone else
grappling with self control
getting himself off
fine
really
I was entirely done
I was sure
and reclaimed my bag
but realized I could not exit through those back doors…
so pushed through along the stage
again getting caught by an act
nuns
with haloes of attitude
stopped me next to a very cute round brown man I’d played with at Spa Castle on Friday
excellent
he gave me his number
all these calls I need to make
I let flowed with the flow
an active process
til it spit me out the door
past many rings of flyer gaurdians
I refused them all
sure I didn’t want anything else from this Community any time soon
breaking out into the beautiful soft cool morning light
Times Square barricaded for some half-marathon
its incessant signs spastically talking to no-one
slightly pathetic in the day light
am I ever in times square in the day light?
I had wished I’d done something more enjoyable to spend the entire night not dreaming
I’ve wasted entire nights masturbating
this was similar
cept I didn’t cum
and didn’t get to obsesse over much of my standard type
yay for variety
I pulled out my ear plugs and checked my phone
seven something
I sent some text messages
pulled some green gum from between the toes of my shoes (hmmmm)
and wandered down to 42ns street to get on the 1
sitting down
the weight of the night collapsed on me
I struggled to stay concious
watching a gorrilaz documentary
jotting some notes
blinking
ambling up my hill
to take a long shower
drink water water water and pond scum
then sleeeeeep
first day of spring
yeah
I’d rather haves danced zikir
I’d rather have gone to Spa Castle again
but I slept through to 3pm
when I roused myself to go meet a mystery man who turned out to be one of those beautiful terrified genuises who I flickered between love and exasperation with as if he were a family member
and so he is
I imagine he’ll be someone I’m very grateful to walk on The Path with
even if he makes excuses about the distractions he’ll need to make
I imagine he’ll do a good job guiding me when I lose myself
or not
I stood on the street corner in Forest Hills looking up at his balcony and the quarter moon being obscured by the clouds rolling in
making phone calls
before I was released and got in the F
sitting across from two beautifully coloured dykes and a vivacious Jewish man with a beautiful beard and extensive psychadelic history
is acid kosher?
he was in full orthodox garb
and was heading up to Monsey I imagine: Rockland county
I gave him my URL and switched on the village to the 1
back up
starting this then
but too tired to finish
now
this is enough
nothing much need be said of today
but that I feel terribly hung over even though I drank very little alcohol last night and none the night before
traveling the city without a water bottle is so difficult for me…
I’ll spend the rest of this ride with my eyes closed
listening to Grizzly Bear
Easier…
.iP
inside/outside
in the transition time
before it’s actually warm enough to heat up the apartment from the ambient heat of the springing city
the super skimps on the heat
radiators are mostly silent
and the room is cold
the winters are over heated
mysterious global warming
but now
there is a pervasive chill
last year
I had a friend visit for a few days
he lives off the grid
ya know
starts a fire in a special stove to heat the water for his bath
he lives in a house in the woods
he looks out
he walks out
he hears it all the time
outside is right there
very close
very clear
living in the city
do you forget about outside?
when he drains the tub
the water flows out
right there
into the ground
here
it goes down pipes
where?
where does it go?
eh?
into a sewer?
how does it get there?
I can’t even imagine the route it takes
old Windows screen saver of imaginary pipes constantly creating themselves
snaking forever into Super Mario’s World
if I take a shower or a bath
I only vaguely know the boiler is making the heat
I have no understanding if it’s on a schedule
… I know last year there would often be no hot water in the middle of the day in the summer
but if I called the super-wife she would turn it on and I could have hot water in a half hour or so
mobile phone call
vs
stacks of wood on kindling in cast iron
the old men of New York City Birth (rarer than one imagines)
call any room they are not in
but are going to
“inside”
“you can bring your clothes inside, I’ll bring your drink”
I imagine the whole city is inside
that must be it
in nature
I can feel it
naked&barefoot
raw earth
wind
sun
here
cement. walls. glass. cement. cement.cement.
it’s inside
why would I think twice ofpouring the imaginary heat down the drain
from whence it came to where it’s going?
so in these transition times
where there is a pervasive chill through my chambers
I have taken to opening the hot tap
filling the tub
sometimes even through the shower
clouds of vapor billowing out into the hallway
and leave it that way
too hot to get in for hours
heat licking off the surface of the water
and after giving the massage
or another function important to performed naked
I’ll submerge and lay in the still warm water
letting it warm my joints
soaping
rinsing with warmer water
leaving the tub full until it’s entirely cool
(rinsing the soap off my feet)
and then these shoes
anti-shoes
the five-fingers
the foot gloves
they make me feel the city intimately in a way I never really have before
almost barefoot
I cannot recommend it highly enough
but perhaps it is a unique situation to my life
forgetting
often
the difference between inside and outside
.iP
with these shoes
I feel like I have animal paws for feet
I’m glad I got the brown ones
in my imaginings of falling in love
why must I always also imagine the catch?
the man in the subway tunnel
his fingers in his ears, itching his heel on the ground
is what he is perpetually avoiding similar to what I continually grasp at?
I want to say
I am good to be In Love with
but bad to Fall with
I’m not even sure if that’s true
perhaps it would be with a yellow star-burst:
“For A Limited Time Only”
it’s coming into my fantasies again
just spring or the time of my life?
love love love
easily discounted
easily dreampt of
is it Morrissey or
Robyn Hitchcock?
“who sees the windows freeze and hands around the keys
‘unlock yourself’ he says
but no one ever does”
“my youth may be gone
but I’m still a good man
so phone me, phone me.”
Hello, I am the Ghost of Troubled Joe
(hung by his pretty white neck some eighteen months ago)
I can massage any part of the body for any length of time
just ask
it is I who want to be intimate with everyone on the planet
not kept at hand’s length
nor needle’s
but chi is any distance
I did my best nit to breach boundaries
just be here
just be there if you wanted to come in
wanted me to come in
for you to feel someone is there
what do you need that for?
you have a lover
lover
everyone loves different
do you want my love?
what I can teach you?
I’m imagining a night I’ve yet to have
but tomorrow I’m all set to make a mistake
or believe the drunk Irish are together in love
and remember friends moved away
came from money
post your bio
please remember
how’s it selling?
give me a job
give me a class
I’m terrified to start the proceedings
what happens if I get caught up?
found out?
what happens if I talk myself right out of a hole, into a job? into a bayou…
fear of being employed
he looks like him in profile
but not at all from the front
Crass symbol on his arm
(as if I ever cared)
I can wash the laundry
but now it’s piling up with the dirty clothes on the floor
if I get rid of that big bed
get a twin
and a piano…
if I go to school
practice Spanish everyday
or German
or Chinese if I study acupuncture
damn
plant’s in the mail
be here Friday
I’ll get it Saturday
I don’t understand the project
what would I lose by trimming my beard?
I don’t like how it looks when others do it
why would I donor to myself
last stop
wish there was something to eat here
but there isn’t
what would I eat anyway
I want my mouth to smell sweet
butterflies
spring
ah
love
.iP
put it out there
into the silence
listen
while the conversation’s rolling
respond
when spoken to
listen
wait for
when the phone rings
it’s always new numbers
unknown
blocked
wait
listen
go home to an empty house
filled with silence
temper it
on your own
god
I wish I had a friend
.iP
you’re so intense!
I have a regular client right now
it’s been rare for me
because I was always traveling or too expensive
but right now I have a guy who comes every week and pays for an hour
but we’re usually together nearer three
we hang out and talk and I massage him and teach a bit of my style and he massages me
so I’ve got pretty comfortable with him and today we had a conversation that surprised me
not in the subject
but in the style
I noticed it had been a Long time since I’d had a conversation like this
but yet it was how I used to be all the time
when people would often describe me as being intense
or… too intense.
now a days
I usually just back down
drop it
let it go
still, I know I have a tendency to say harsh and direct things
as well as entirely inapropriate comments or subjects
my filters are arranged arbitrarily
so it’s easy for me to ignore them
as I said today
I’m not a person who believes in right and wrong… or Truth
I understand their functions and the like
but I see them all as optional
of course
to belong to a society one has to adhere to its laws
but seeing that I’ve always felt outside of every society
the best I’ve come to is understanding and following the rules to stay in the flow
though they are not in my nature nor in my heart to do so
it is a great effort sometimes
to remember all the things people are supposed to know innately
and to Live them!
because I lack these basic understandings and often find them to be against my own inner guidance
I have always had to know Why responses and ideas are required in cetain situations
the Why is important to pull them off correctly
lacking that
it’s just exhaustive bad fakery
I remember now, speaking in yoga terms, I’ve always kept my root chakra pretty toghly closed
being open there let’s all these innate understandings just flow in
but I lack trust of the greater society
being abused by it as I was in my youth
I still see mostly the way we humans abuse and exploit eachother
the loving I often forget
out of sight out of mind
so I fear opening into the common root for fear of being a pawn in the bigger picture
my, how I digress
but today’s conversation included such gems as
“remove the stigma of going to prison
it’s just an institution like school you have to earn your way into and prepares you, directly or not, for your character in life”
he said he couldn’t follow me there
though I was presenting it as an idea to entertain, not a truth
some people just can’t lift out their truths… which is standard and healthy
I learned how through practicing schizophenia via Gilles Deluze…
in talking about ending my own identity as a victim at the age of puberty and saying any set of victims could also choose to do that
he also couldn’t follow
society has always been comprised of a small sect of powermongers who direct order and drive the greater body of slaves
when the slaves realize that each of their individual selves is more powerful than those who rule them
and they are certainly greater in number
then choose to act on it
tgat is called “revolution”
perhaps we are two different types of people
as I look at history and have no faith in our rulers
he still thinks it’s worth it to follow their laws and if we could all follow their laws then everything would work properly and we’d all be happy
but we are not made, I believe
to follow the laws of another man
but to follow our own
perfection is never to be reached
yet the flow is directed by our consensus
.iP
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