Month: December 2009

everything must get brighter now
we’ve had our darkest moment

.iP

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Sun just moved into Capricorn
Looking forward to seeing you all in the brightening of the year…

meanwhile
we have all this lovely cold reflective stuff to maximize the little
sun we do get

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dramatic sunlight at the office

watched The Road followed by Mary & Max.
emotionally overwhelmed. I fill up so easily.
(empty out similarily)
I’ve always imagined myself small… a client today said I was bigger than my pictures make me look.

I slept with a friend last night
who must fly home soon
to serve as a witness in his sister’s divorce trial
“Yes, it’s true that their love is no longer valid. Yes it’s true he does not deserve her love anymore. Yes, it’s true she deserves to be free of this weight. Sorry love doesn’t always work out.”
My Mother and Father met this friend, his sister and that husband
my mother and friend and sister got on great
the two husbands only talked with eachother and were two peas in a pod…

I’d been talking with my friend about my trip to Ireland
and other family shit… er, interractions
and my desire to return to Ireland
I even sent out emails to someone there about renting a house…

so in sleep

I was living with Brother, Sister, Mother, Father
came home
Dad told us all he’d sold the house and we had to be out tomorrow

we found an apartment in London and packed up.. moved as a family
somehow
in the first day
my parents had a fight and my mom decided to have a divorce
so we found another apartment for her elsewhere
Sister and I moved in with mother
brother stayed with father
I remember coming home from Dinner that night and my brother lighting a cigarette on the tube
(the friend I slept with smokes like a…)
and a woman told my broth he had to put it out or get off
he got off at the next stop

back at my dad’s
I was packing the rest of my stuff
and found
in my Inventory (like a video game)
a bottle of Mood Poisoning
I wondered why I thought that important enough to bring with me
a little man moved around in the screen
a worker
I decided to keep the bottle
just in case it might come in handy

and my dad came into the room (didn’t look like my dad)
crying
started to say something:
we all gave him the hand

.iP

I wrote this this morning to someone inquiring advice about seasonal depression

and I’ve been feeling I need to return to witnessing my life more
here’s a start:

I saw your post this morning and thought I’d chime in my 2-cents:

I don’t think travelin to the tropics helps terribly
because the boost you get from the sunlight will wear off in about a week
and make you that much more axious for winter to be over in Your Real Life

I just had it pretty heavy for a month
and knowing is half the battle
when I realized what was going on I decided to shock myself out of the malaise

I made breakfast for a week with marijuana butter
I almost never engage that plant on my own
and it is mostly smoked
but eating it makes the experience slow, gentle and more body integrated

it was great so long as I didn’t have to go out be among crowds

my Chinese medicine pals says it releases stuck liver yang chi
(anger, frustration, pushing)
and allows more creativity to flow

I also moved my furniture around
which broke up the stuck energy in my apt and got me moving again

I’ve been maintaining by doing some yoga/pushups every day

things we’re very quiet during my month of SAD
since I actively broke it up
I’ve had appointsments Every Day
for two weeks now!

but I’m very tired

winter is a good time to Rest
give yourself the chance for sleeping, introspection and recovery:
hibernation

but if you’re feeling everything is a stagnant syrupy mess
move it around and see if it gets your life flowing again

the same magic doesn’t work for everybody

but you’ll know something that will open the locks

.iP

my character in my movie
doesn’t sleep enough
and rushes around the busy city
he’s always tires
and it’s such a large city
he’s always on the underground trains
and though there are millions of people there
they’re all family
when he sits down on the train
he sits next to someone
eyes closed, sunk into the vibration for their own long journey
he tilts his head onto their shoulder and nuzzles up to them
to take a little nap before someone has to rush back out onto the streets

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working with a new persona…
and a drunk guy on the subway tried to feed my bird a $100 bill

I tried to bite it… but missed

what if I were entertaining?
in public?
try it out.

saw a while bunch of people I felt love with today

lovely lovely lovely
and the sun shines down on me

thank you all

what am I so desperately looking for inside my iPhone?

there isn’t any love in there
no matter how many times I check the emails and voicemails and txt msgs

of course there’s love
lots of it
(problem’s that y’r missing it)
but not the love you need.

close your eyes now.

.iP