“we could have whoever we want
we could go back to school
to see the dead laugh again
…
we won’t always be safe here
but this is where we reign”
.iP
he’d been my lover for
a while
not long in the scheme of things
lover in no practical way
did not keep me from my vices
only delighted in them
encouraged them
there was joy there
two little boys
who should definately know better
did
actually
but still
hoped for the best
commonly accepted sicknesses like that are the worst
current epidemic
hope
and upon moving into my home
I somehow lost my phone
but in less than 24 hours I found the numbers called by the finders
somewhere in the Dominican Republic
my boy
he was from some Caribbean islands
and could speak their language
he called that number for me
and in the sweetest voice
discovered nothing
and acquiesced to their obvious lies
and I quickly deemed him useless
despite the cooking
the cleaning
the silly grins
I didn’t want a wife
a girlfriend
anything novel
not a spell I wanted worked
he was spineless: what use?
how easy to discard love
a useless thing
that makes everything brighter
kinda like a food additive
a dirty trick
just a trick
of the light
but strong enough to stick in my mind
nearly two tears later
.iP
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It’s so hard for me to learn
Because I am so arrogant
My gifts come with such a price
I said to my plants
As I prune the dead leaves
"teach me"
I have to learn to cut them
Cut off their life
Hem them in
Right now
They are all over grown
Wild
Turning in on themselves
Crumpled sideways
Pressing against the ceiling
Wasting their energy
And going nowhere
How do I know where to trim
And when?
I know this.
Just do it.
I know.
I was talking with a man tonight
Who trembled
Said
Over and over
How conservative he is
"Conservatives"
I said
"would be much more interesting to me
If they were actually concerned with conservation"
But it’s just fear
So obvious to me
My father
This man
All I’ve known and met
They are living in terror
Want everyone else to be as afraid
More afraid than they are
Expect every trick to be a psychopathic killer
Everyone to be a liar
I’m too arrogant to even consider it
As I diatribe to him
The great difficulties of Freedom
That keeps most Americans from it
Is Self Responsibility
Honesty
Of course
Integrity
Lacking those
You must be under another’s jurisdiction
Oh, if only they were perfect…
But I like the dirt in my window sills
The wild curling of my plants
I’m chomping at the bit to begin my life
Stomping in the stable
What power
Balance of freedom, strength and fear
How do I move the hand deftly for that?
How do I
Cut my hair
And still be wild?
( sssssssh… Just trimmings…. ssssssssh… )
-iP
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i’m officially back
walking in the rain
breakfast with friends
thinking of moving to brooklyn
teaching knuckle-push-ups
dreaming of pillow booking
wearing colour instead of just white for the first time in two weeks
preparing to go underground
being out west makes me want to own a car
so much open space
bein in the Atlanta airport makes me want to move here
so many round men
.iP
oh
kinda slept last few days
travel weary
ha!
left side of the head still fuct
sitting on the plane next to a weedy awkward intelligensia man with thick yellow glasses hunched over a book explaining everything about emotions
I’m staring out the window
twisting in the winds of Martha Wainwright
wondering if such a book would really explain it all
or somehow just damn it up into stagnant reservours useless for any purpose but breeding pests
and turning me into a likewise gollym creature…
oh, answers given to the mysteries of the world
why can’t I trust you?
at least
I’m very grateful I can trust myself
halfway home now
half
way
.iP
so
on the second or third day here
my iPhone 3Gs camera kinda broke
odd
every photo I take is lost somewhere…
if I make a video
then take pictures
I can acess them and use them only for that period
but when I put the phone to sleep
and go back to them later
they are gone
no doubt I can fix this when I get home
but I had intended to send out daily iPhone photos
so am diappointed in that
one might think
that’s good: take a break from the net!
but I haven’t.
I’ve used my iP every day to check emails and various messages
an Irishman from France has been sending me porn stories every day I download
and read the next morning upon waking
and waking up hasn’t been easy
I’ve been endlessly tired here
I thought it was altitude
but now understand it’s from an infected tooth…
what’s up with all this tooth shit going on?
upon acceptance of that
I’m doing my magic on it
and using my herbs
and it’s abating
still
a good deal of my energy is tied in the pain and healing
and on some note besides just me
my confusion with trannies continues
an ftm here who is an amazing force
sight, music and magic
I didn’t notice the T for many days
and that gave me a nice chunk of mybown perceptions to mull over
just at that point
some guy rolls in on a Harley in full leather
long strawberry blond hair, clean shaven
and though I don’t hear him talking about his gender
I do hear him talking about being on Estrogen
and losing his perscription
and getting in fights
needing three people to take him down
saying her has too much testosterone and the estrogen calms him
this crazy gruff violent man taking E to balance his over masculinity
I’d never heard that story
and the next time I saw him he was in beautiful crushed red velvet from head to toe
and when I saw him naked later
he had demure breasts…
in other news
a long-haired muscly beautiful Virgo showed up a few days ago
and we’ve been kissing like crazy
really the only sex I’ve had at the gathering
and he’s so different than my standard
I’m loving the interraction
that’s all for now…
I’m probably leaving here tomorrow for a few days in Albequerque before returning to NYC on Wednesday
.iP
for those of you who know CocoRosie
I have to say it was a beautiful sight
to walk into the common house
and see everyone in there swimmingly dancing to “K-Hole”
.iP
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Been exhausted since I got here…
been resting a lot
but still tired
some amazing stuff happening, though…
and I won these Ray-Ban’s…
I haven’t worn sunglasses for years
but why not?
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