Month: July 2009

i got homeand felt un-deniably exhausted
so lay down on my day bed
and fell asleep

dreamt of Stephen Merritt playing on the subway
with Seth? or Daniel Freeman?

i was working in an old house
tearing stuff down
-framing out a new room
the back door open
onto a green field, forest on the edge
and there was my sister
and Stephen playing “Lonely Highway”

the subway rumbling

the boss was coming
and i went to hide
and everything went sideways

i realized i was dreaming
and turned and turned in late afternoon nap sweat
the heat of the summer
but i couldn’t bring myself to go pick raspberries today

now
some pullups and pushups
now
off to a client
cancelled the other
spend the night with a friend
and…
going to the beach tomorrow.

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as soon as we came out the Lincoln tunnel (coz they wouldn’t let us
trough the Holland)
I got out of the car to walk

yes
yes
I like walking
I don’t like cars.

and now the wrecker is breaking down:
taking a few minutes to accelerate to 50mph

almost there

.iP

so
now I’m sitting in the back of a wrecker heading back to the city

I made a joke about how I don’t like being in cars
coz it reminds of my childhood
which was spent entirely in cars
… the pains of then…

but I wasn’t anxious for this to happen

sorry I’m missing swimming in the ocean though…

.iP

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a friend offered to take me to Sandy Hook today
I spent last night at his house
we left early (for me) this morning…
driving along
conversations
traffic got really snarled up
and then a light was blinking on his dash
I looked it up in the book
it said "transmission malfunction"
then the speedometer stopped working
and at a stoplight in Atlantic Highlands
the car quit

won’t start again
was stuck in park
with a bull-goon cop yelling at us
mocking me for looking through the manual
I figured out how to shift it to neutral and ge pushed us into the
parking lot

checked the fluid levels
Fine

1992 Honda
just tired.

I walked in to was my hands
on the No Smoking sign
23

there is a ferry dock that goes to the beach in walking distance from
here

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have you ever read any books by John Crowley?
i was introduced to him through "Little, Big"
given to me by some guy in Tucson back in 1998
i’ve read it a few times
and it makes me feel very well.

finally getting through a cycle he took 25 years to write
Ægypt
just finishing the second book right now
and thought of you in certain capacities

i was inspired by the writing
and glanced up
smoke in my eyes
i tried to look at the face of the spirit that animated each person
since it is only thick layers of denial that keeps one from omniscience at
any moment
but omnipotence allows anyone to choose to open them and gaze truthfully

amazing that every single person would look back at me immediately with
challenging gaze

of course, i forgot
one is not suppose to see truthfully

here.

do you ever?

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.iP

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i sent in 2000 negatives to ScanCafe
in going through selecting which ones to keep, i found this and couldn’t help it, gotta put it up (low rez is all i got now)
— summer solstice of ’98, i think. we were on mushrooms and acid in the desert outside of Tucson, AZ… at one point we decided to bathe in the dust of the desert.. rubbed in our hair til it was sparking in the dry night air… Ahhhh

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last week
I logged into yahoo messenger
which I nearly never use
and there was a from my friend Rick

who has been dead two years, I think

immediately
option scenarios ran through my head:
is he still alive? faked his death to get out of…?
no.
a friend of his who knows his accounts?
his wife?
Why?

but the reasons didn’t matter
it just made me miss him
in the way we can only miss the dead

a few more things to say
a few more things to do together
never gonna happen

lately
many friends have had friends and relatives die
and it’s set me to wondering how I’d feel
… and Rick wasn’t a close friend…
but a glorious monster
I was happy to know was extant…

well…
back at ya
I’m here

Thanks

.iP

meanwhile, the junkie next door came over again today just as i had started
having sex with someohe… she was crying. she asked if she could use my
phone to call an ambulance coz she’d hurt herself really bad. i said NO, GO
AWAY she screamed and pounded on my door “WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A BASTARD
TO ME!? COCKSUCKER!!!”

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i’ve spent the day in Brooklyn
brought a gift for the friends I love
spent the day with the friends I love
from yesterday
to today
seen many of them
still out

but I’ll spend tonight in my bed

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from the Ladies Luncheon
sometime in April…
we just got around to
mounting them