Month: January 2009

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someone just asked me to…
so i just uploaded the pictures i took at Nayland’s “Gorge” last week
click on this pic to see them all

i saw Slumdog Millionaire yesterday
and I loved it
but i think i have a loyalty to Danny Boyle from my childhood in England…

the filth was terrifying
but i’ve seen similar stuff in Brazil and South Africa
still.. nothing THAT intense (is it really like that in India? or was that played up for the screen? i imagine it is that bad or worse… maybe not such pretty trash)

still, what struck me hardest about all the strange injustice in the film
was the horror of modernization there
( i know.. i know.. )
and all the fucking cars…
SO MANY CARS
i hate cars.
i don’t like how they look or smell or sound
it’s kinda fun to drive them
but i’m happy to give that up
well worth it to get rid of the fuckers

that’s why i live in NYC
i can go hundreds of miles and not need a car

i’ve come to see cars as the largest symptom of humanities self-destruction

Any of you reading this
have you been to Switzerland?
have you been there when they have Car-Free days?

the center of the cities, the old towns
always have a day a year when cars are not allowed
and people walk the streets
fairs
and kids playing on the pavement . . .

could we make that happen here in NYC?

i keep wanting to get some initiative going to get some fucking pedestrian and bike ONLY streets here in NY
why not?
there are so many fucking streets in this city
why not every 10 blocks? every 12?
only people on bikes and foot
… maybe an avenue or two, yeah?

every city i’ve been in in europe has streets with no cars
sure, they’re old and tiny and midaevil
but why not here?

it’s GREEN after all…

anyone more politically minded than me know how i would start this sort of thing into action?

i wrote a lot about my father while i was back in the midwest a few weeks ago
an occurance i didn’t recount:
the last day i was there
my father’s dentist got in touch with him and told him a spot in his mouth had come back as being cancerous
a day later
a second biopsy prove to be malignant

a week later
i spoke with my father on the phone
and he told me he’d had two operations
— he sounded very tired, crestfallen

the next night
in talking with my mother
she asked me if i’d heard about my father’s Cancer of the Mouth
and it just fell out of my mouth
“serves him right: all the shit he spits out of his mouth, hopefully it will teach him a lesson, but i doubt it”

i’ve always been the sort who believes Cancer is caused by Emotions more than environmental toxicity

some organ-metaphore of sickness becoming manifest

as i wrote about
my father screams a lot
and makes people feel horrible
at least Us
the people He Loves
he hurts us the most

of course
all the poison pouring out of his mouth must sting him a little each time
and over time…

but i don’t hold ill-will to my father
and it is very important to me that i stay in a state of forgiveness with him

forgiveness and love

after the week i spent with him
upon my return
so much of him had rubbed of on me
the first few days i was back
i felt like a natural bigot, racist and misogynist
it was so shocking to me that i noticed it in every occurrence

i was raised like that
and certainly have remnants of it in my psyche that i deal with at times
but rarely do i ever feel it so strongly and Seriously as i did in those few days

— my father is really not a good influence on me

STILL, i don’t wish him any harm

even, when i was talking with a friend (of 75) last night
talking about the longevity of our relatives
i spoke of my father
heart attack, diabetes, cancer of the mouth
a part of me just wished he die now
so i didn’t have to suffer through watching him with the strokes and elderly demential/helplessness
some how spare me the guilt of not going to take care of him any longer than a few hours before he expires

Love
Love for that man
some Kinda Love
i do not understand
my love…
i wish
i always say this
for years and years
i wish i were a better lover.

a writer reminded me today
that being in a boring place is EXCELLENT for writing
— i got a lot of writing done in Indiana
and have done nearly none since i’ve returned

still: i’ve felt a strong presence since i’ve returned:
i’m Alone

i’m very accustomed to that
and the lack of it drives me crazy

when i was younger
i often wished for the Proper Friend
Lover
Mentor
something… a partner… Companion

but i traveled for 12 years
there was such intense loneliness in that
so often i felt my heart breaking
looking at the beauty of an ocean
or some huge wall in China
without that Lover with me
it all felt flat

still
experiencing majesty Alone is more comfortable and acceptable
than sharing it with someone i feel doesn’t appreciate it

my Sickness
or
Disfunction
does not allow anyone to meet my standards
not anyone Real, i assume
so how could i ever enjoy Beauty with a Friend
knowing that his heart Resonates with Joy as mine does?
if not the same Joy as mine… then at least his own?
Joy in the experience we’re having. Joy in the Joy i’m experiencing, and he separately.
my recent friend, i felt he was only ever happy at seeing me happy
not at all understanding what it was that made me blissful

and that feeing of being accompanied by someone who doesn’t understand me
makes me feel much worse than Alone
but Lonely
and worse than that
Lonely and Occupied
which not only makes me feel Bored, but Trapped

thus… now i am Alone
i am not lonely
but i have noticed it a few times these last few days
the feeling of walking through tunnel
Alone
or seeing Slumdog Millionaire today
Alone
the sunset on the building outside the window
the plethora of beautiful men
the music in my head

i’m very Alone right now
and i figure it is because i’m not a likable person if spent too much time around
— that is how i feel about most people, so i’m sure it’s true of myself

still
i’m very grateful to be Alone
i feel Free
on my own Terms
and able to have experiences without the odd feeling of guilt that has been following me around when i felt so betrothed…

New Experiences. . .
i can tell he was an Anchor
one i fought too hard against
i suppose that is not the medicine i need…

yet i hope
in this freedom
i can come to peace with myself. . .

line from a book i’m reading:

“In the lifelong romance each man has with himself, he should know which vows he’s sworn”
– from “The Gay Philosopher” by Edmund White

upon his first visit to The United States
(Maryland, i believe)
he poured himself a glass of cool water from the tap

on the tropical island he is from
Cool Water is never Cold
just not hot… only warmed by the ambient heat of everything there

here… Up North
the water comes out of the tap with a chill
he was entirely thrilled

he was just a boy
and could not stop drinking
until he’d made himself sick

i think of this
waking at 4am from being overheated by down and radiator
and pouring myself a glass of water

Talking with Leo

i was talking with leo last night
after soaking in salt water for over an hour
feeling like i was dead
a big cold stiff dead corpse

these things happen sometimes
Leo called me as i was near finished
on the phone with him
i put my house to sleep
and crawled into bed
chatting with Leo until his cord-less phone’s battery died
and my iPhone battery nearly died

Enough.

we’re still dear friends
we love our conversations
once a week
or every other
or a few times…
we almost always talk for an hour

Also, he almost always gets me into some explanation of my life
where i describe things i’ve been aware of that i’ve been very unhappy with
come to some unsatisfactory conclusion of. . .
he listens
and often says
“but hearing you say this makes me proud of you
because you are Aware of your life
and in that
you are growing
you are much better than most
who aren’t aware
and just continue blindly through their lives, no matter how miserable they become”

i suppose i’m always just on the surface
able to breathe and swim and see the sights and beauty
but still a good deal of my body swimming through the misery.

last night we were talking about my “break up” with a recent friend
i’d known this guy for just over a year
and i told him over and over and over that i didn’t want a boy friend
but it just kept falling into that
easy: something about him and something about me just clicked
i got to be his dad, his idol, and some of the people that had hurt him in the past
he got to be my mother and… me as a kid.

as the relationship developed
i was able to see these relationships coming up clearly
within a few months
i already had him pegged as my mother
and within a month of that
i saw myself acting as my father did towards me

i desperately tried to re-direct the energy
i asked him to do the work, of course
“don’t try to please me: it will only give me reason to be disappointed in you”
i tried warning him
“when i act like this just LEAVE… i can’t stop myself and don’t want to do it”
but he sat there and allowed himself to be hammered upon

even in the stories i told Leo about my recent trip home
it became apparent that my friend acts how i do towards my father even now
when my father kept blowing up at me
i would remain calm and silently mock him
my friend never mocked me (he’s not so cruel)
but he would just let me explode and not really respond
this drove me crazy because i THOUGHT i was being an asshole and causing him so much pain
AND i felt like he wasn’t listening to me or taking anything i said seriously

it was a lose/lose situation as far as i could see
so after trying to months to change my actions and not being able to
i had to cut it off

i have a lot more peace since then
and time and space to be able to see OTHER things i am dissatisfied with in my actions
but without the confusing projection and blaming i was doing before

i wanted to hear “Rebel Rebel” by bowie (i think it was in my dreams)

i got to hear it
and

“Rebel Girl” – Hazel Dickens
“Aging Young Rebel” – Ken Nordine
“Rebel in You” – Supergrass
“High on Rebellion” – Patti Smith (twice)
“The Rebel – Johnny Yuma” – Johnny Cash
“05 High on Rebellion” (again)
“Rebellion (Lies)” – Arcade Fire (three times)
“Rebel Yell” – Billy Idol

and then i stopped it.

i never cared when i lived there
but i imagine
that as i get older and older
i’ll wish more and more
that i had been James Dean.

went to sleep at 7am
woke sometime after 2
and couldn’t manage to put the pieces of myself in the right order to accomplish anything

for a year now
i’ve been telling myself
i just need some rest

it’s all this socializing! it wears me out!

i tell myself . . .

i had dinner with a friend of mine tonight
visiting from amsterdam
— i am late to meet him EVERY time i meet him
— this is not something i plan, but can’t seem to avoid
tonight he said he would never make an appointment with me again

i didn’t mention that he’d stood me up Twice two weeks ago

as artists
we cannot hold it against our artist friends
if they do not want to come see our art

we must remember
we are really more entertained by ourselves than by anything else

we
yet he tells me about this show at the MoMa i really must go see

i accepted a client tonight
even though i said i wasn’t going to do any last day / first day of the year
but having done nothing with myself all day
i took him

i’d seen him before
months ago
entirely forgot who he was
his voice incredibly slow and mellow

it wasn’t until i saw him at the door that i remembered him:
his hairy muscular chest more than his face
but there he was, Yes: Hello.

he took a few puffs off a joint before we hit the bed
and only let me massage him a few moments before we were wrapt in 69
then sprawled on our backs
him saying “i really needed to release that energy”

i’m constantly amazed that people often think of their sexual energy like a waste product
as my father says about shitting “i need to take a dump”
as the boys post on craigslist “i am a cum dump” or “just looking for a pump-n-dump”

but if you’re reading this
you may have read the posting i did a year or so ago about me being an energetic garbage man

the silly thing is
everything you feed the swine is pearls
they just don’t care.

someone has to

back to massaging him
he tells me
“i really need to get my mind back to where yours is
i’ve got too much fear
you know, all thise disease
yeah, AIDS and all the other STDs… and Crabs! they’re so annoying”

we’re both very hairy

i try and continue offering a different perspective
theoretically, and in practice

he explains that he’s a psychotherapist
so i realize anything i say is just fodder for him to continue with his monologue

“i suppose i shouldn’t be afraid
i only got fucked once, and it wasn’t by choice
everything i do is safe
.. well, the riskiest thing i do is 69ing
which, i suppose. . .
but…
i never floss before sex.”

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