Day: January 12, 2009

i wrote a lot about my father while i was back in the midwest a few weeks ago
an occurance i didn’t recount:
the last day i was there
my father’s dentist got in touch with him and told him a spot in his mouth had come back as being cancerous
a day later
a second biopsy prove to be malignant

a week later
i spoke with my father on the phone
and he told me he’d had two operations
— he sounded very tired, crestfallen

the next night
in talking with my mother
she asked me if i’d heard about my father’s Cancer of the Mouth
and it just fell out of my mouth
“serves him right: all the shit he spits out of his mouth, hopefully it will teach him a lesson, but i doubt it”

i’ve always been the sort who believes Cancer is caused by Emotions more than environmental toxicity

some organ-metaphore of sickness becoming manifest

as i wrote about
my father screams a lot
and makes people feel horrible
at least Us
the people He Loves
he hurts us the most

of course
all the poison pouring out of his mouth must sting him a little each time
and over time…

but i don’t hold ill-will to my father
and it is very important to me that i stay in a state of forgiveness with him

forgiveness and love

after the week i spent with him
upon my return
so much of him had rubbed of on me
the first few days i was back
i felt like a natural bigot, racist and misogynist
it was so shocking to me that i noticed it in every occurrence

i was raised like that
and certainly have remnants of it in my psyche that i deal with at times
but rarely do i ever feel it so strongly and Seriously as i did in those few days

— my father is really not a good influence on me

STILL, i don’t wish him any harm

even, when i was talking with a friend (of 75) last night
talking about the longevity of our relatives
i spoke of my father
heart attack, diabetes, cancer of the mouth
a part of me just wished he die now
so i didn’t have to suffer through watching him with the strokes and elderly demential/helplessness
some how spare me the guilt of not going to take care of him any longer than a few hours before he expires

Love
Love for that man
some Kinda Love
i do not understand
my love…
i wish
i always say this
for years and years
i wish i were a better lover.

a writer reminded me today
that being in a boring place is EXCELLENT for writing
— i got a lot of writing done in Indiana
and have done nearly none since i’ve returned

still: i’ve felt a strong presence since i’ve returned:
i’m Alone

i’m very accustomed to that
and the lack of it drives me crazy

when i was younger
i often wished for the Proper Friend
Lover
Mentor
something… a partner… Companion

but i traveled for 12 years
there was such intense loneliness in that
so often i felt my heart breaking
looking at the beauty of an ocean
or some huge wall in China
without that Lover with me
it all felt flat

still
experiencing majesty Alone is more comfortable and acceptable
than sharing it with someone i feel doesn’t appreciate it

my Sickness
or
Disfunction
does not allow anyone to meet my standards
not anyone Real, i assume
so how could i ever enjoy Beauty with a Friend
knowing that his heart Resonates with Joy as mine does?
if not the same Joy as mine… then at least his own?
Joy in the experience we’re having. Joy in the Joy i’m experiencing, and he separately.
my recent friend, i felt he was only ever happy at seeing me happy
not at all understanding what it was that made me blissful

and that feeing of being accompanied by someone who doesn’t understand me
makes me feel much worse than Alone
but Lonely
and worse than that
Lonely and Occupied
which not only makes me feel Bored, but Trapped

thus… now i am Alone
i am not lonely
but i have noticed it a few times these last few days
the feeling of walking through tunnel
Alone
or seeing Slumdog Millionaire today
Alone
the sunset on the building outside the window
the plethora of beautiful men
the music in my head

i’m very Alone right now
and i figure it is because i’m not a likable person if spent too much time around
— that is how i feel about most people, so i’m sure it’s true of myself

still
i’m very grateful to be Alone
i feel Free
on my own Terms
and able to have experiences without the odd feeling of guilt that has been following me around when i felt so betrothed…

New Experiences. . .
i can tell he was an Anchor
one i fought too hard against
i suppose that is not the medicine i need…

yet i hope
in this freedom
i can come to peace with myself. . .

line from a book i’m reading:

“In the lifelong romance each man has with himself, he should know which vows he’s sworn”
– from “The Gay Philosopher” by Edmund White

upon his first visit to The United States
(Maryland, i believe)
he poured himself a glass of cool water from the tap

on the tropical island he is from
Cool Water is never Cold
just not hot… only warmed by the ambient heat of everything there

here… Up North
the water comes out of the tap with a chill
he was entirely thrilled

he was just a boy
and could not stop drinking
until he’d made himself sick

i think of this
waking at 4am from being overheated by down and radiator
and pouring myself a glass of water