back-dated to fit in the calendar, but recorded near 2am on THE NIGHT of the 27th (so early on the 28th)
back-dated to fit in the calendar, but recorded near 2am on THE NIGHT of the 27th (so early on the 28th)
back-dated to fit in the calendar, but recorded near 2am on THE NIGHT of the 27th (so early on the 28th)
i finally got my new mac working (again)
i just got pissed on walking down the street
(first time for everything, and yes: i’m sure it was piss– coming out of an apartment window)
(love them dominicans [serious!])
my friend brendon is helping me re-organize my apartment
in the midwest
drinking with my father
walking on the beach
witnessing him as a little boy
more time in indiana
sex in graveyards
onward: to new york city
jakov: a total flake
eli and jim white
Leo! James! Gus! Leo! (and police in new jersey)
gay pride
danny
and everything stolen
living in green point?
yoga naked on the roof
giving danny kombucha
and eddy…
outta town
up to boston
over to p-town
(chris on the street and david and family week )
back to boston to see sarah
up to gloucester with the salty bear
falling in love with eric
up the coast
NH
ogunquit
(rocks, eric)
the people’s lives, end of tourism, last hope
down east?
portland first
larry: little lad
maybe it was up state maine first
all the book stores along the coast
bar harbor
the night we lost the light
sleeping on island
sleeping like babies…
onward to new brunswick
the flower pots
neep, not even
missing the big show in nova scotia
but the halifax cathedral
and the yarmouth ferry
was this when i met the little lad family?
the loons on the lakes
up into quebec
the moose on the road
the spider bite?
the bath house
the bitch in the health food store
that old city
and montreal
raw meat with the egyptian
and the leg getting worse
patrick and the theme park
fucking at night by the lake
the crazy
house of crazies
the clock
joints
cigarettes
dogs
pills
and coffee
onward
across ontario
picking up mark
and his story of canoeing the mississippi
then the 1st nations guy (the spraypaint on the bridge)
then the punk street kids with the dog
then the van breaking down?
naw… just remove the belt
and on
and on
through sault-sainte marie
leaving all those kids in canada
and heading into michigan to see the family
the family
for fourth of july
no
laborday?
whatever is in september
my aunt hitting on me
do i have any other memories from this visit?
back down to TN for that gathering
(visited my sister in Bloomington?)
got the powerbook
what else?
over and up to NYC again
november?
late october
living where?
not with yackov
not in my van
not with eli
stayed with x…
oh yes. stayed with X
set up my new computer with him, right
left all my stuff in his apartment while giving the van away?
for a few weeks, a month? more?
then where did i go?
directly back to California?
giving the van to Eli
and is that when i did the interview with Marcel?
HIV+?
all around that time
arrived in california
instantly felt like i made a terrible mistake
body locking up
from kombucha?
mother asks if i’ll go to Brazil with her
so i get that foot-work done
and end up only staying in CA a month at most
then to Brazil
which i’ve mostly written about in this journal
that’s when i started LJ
January something something 2004.
brazil.
but what i do i remember?
arriving with nothing known.
guidebook?
notes from the internet
oh, and ghonnorea!
finding the hotel
the cruize/hook park
people sleeping in gutters
across the sidewalk
all the time at internet cafe’s
and that sweet boy antonio
used to be a mormon
that over-pass bridge
the colors
the mosaic sidewalk
the down town
the
was it then?
antonio flaked out on me
stayed with smurf?
that must have been later
went out to ilha bella
also
knowing noone, nothing
took the bus
amazing mountains
narrow roads
huge garbage dumps
and beautiful views
bought the hammock
went out to the island?
slept on a flood area
with the crabs underneath
got some purple heart on accident
found the hippy kids
stayed with them
walked the path up to the water falls
nice
back to the city
that when i stayed with smurf?
sampa bears
so much desire, lust, porn
fucking
filming it all
paranoid about disease
right, the malva, finding the herbs
the para todos
damiana
then meeting my mother at the airport and onto brasilia
the bus ride out to abadiania
the toucan
the açaí
irish cafe
the mud
the children
my mother: i didn’t know you could speak brazilian!?
first seeing the “casa” the feeling…
walking in the fields
finding muschrooms
the cattle
the amazing sky
oil-colored clouds
the night-shades..
then all the deus stuff
seeing tony in the crowd
first meeting
acid-like clarity
the crystal
second meeting that day
more clarity like crystal like acid
open eyes sitting next to tony
Naraya!
then days of praying
mother sleeping three days
pierenopolis
the white orchids of old abadiania
the white clothes
the head-dresses
the jaguar ceremony
the kid who’d stayed there 8 months after coming with his mother
ram daas
gregory sams, the guy who invented chaos theory
and nicola, his niece
so
bye to mother
and back to sao paulo
and is this the time i stayed with smurf? oh, memory
maybe i can find it in my emails
sampa bears
being with those english speakers ruined my portugues
back to ilha bela
this time with joão
the constructing house
running up the river
the massage
the lonliness
onward to Rio
beautiful city
staying by the beach
first night there: sex party
so that’s how it is
juice every day
and living for sex
seeing some movies: dogville
and all of the lord of the rings
i could live here, sure
donald, yeah
if only i were a drug dealer or something
had some skill
teach english?
(as soon as i get my book written i’m out of this country for a few more years)
deciding it’s time to come home
flying into miami
and my connection fallen through
so staying with the peruvian
get everything stolen
staying with the doctor
fucking crazy
hellish hellish florida
i returned to NYC then
to make money
yes
to stay with Ed in coney island
oy!
the television
the crabs
but he knew leo
back to LA for the family
amazing transformation in my mother
then up to SF
HIV- again, alright
living there?
living with Leo
living?
a month alone there while leo was in europe, i think
fasting
frustration
where did i go?
beltane at wolf creek with kwai
now i’m cheating: looking through emails and this journal
but mercury is direct: i don’t have that boon anymore
and writing, yes, erases.
the way up was when the forest and sea pictures were taken by kwai
wow, it’s nice to read these old entries
so beltane
then back down to SF
i think that’s when i had sex in the rest area near vallejo
i stayed in california another month
on and off with Leo
before heading back up to oregon for the nayara
turning 26!
the trim
spargel party
finally
someone i can talk to
and that aquarius trick:
television
and boardgames
food and sex
but not in love
stuttgart
and falling in love with rudi
friends with juergen
bulls everywhere
bulls and twins
hockenheim
the farm
poppies
amazing meat
sect
and that pond
argh!
freiburg
a month?
but i gotta go
money: no money
Switzerland!
marcel the drained of life one
forced into sex/massage
ah, a way to make money
and chocholate
and raining
and bankers
and wondering where i’m going to stay
and
Wolfgang (but it wasn’t that easy)
the photobooths
marcel asking
so more
inseliwerd
the bike! oh yes, don’t forget the bike.
time in bern? no, no time, really
onto italy
a night in Milan
the long road up hill from pistoia
Meike
Giordano Bruno
dirt up hill
fica
cooking
massaging
“the wells have gone dry, we’re all gonna die”
best pasta
making bags
recorder
rainbow
“we need water”
dying
Martin
brother.
chad
the isralie with the beard/ with polly
the french women
hungry dave
the chai tent
the italian bear guy
nicola!
leaving the bike
the best gelato ever in bologna
eli?
bratislava
Pinochio
sick
lost in vienna
through austria
“old sad man and cat”
Bern with my boy friend
kitchari
then on to Lyon
“like i’ve lived here 5 years”
falling down five flights
mercury retrograde
fighting up the hill
dancing to is you is or
pastries
friendly
Paris!
you are not a bear
louvre, muse d’orsey
amsterdam
marcel
eli
my fucking picture you fucking prick
oh
centraal.
rysdaelstraat
making the journal
putting away things i don’t need, like robert’s shirt
wolfgang visiting
the floating trees
danny
of course the sheik, before…
ummm
down do switzerland again?
to surprise wolfgang?
then to london with X?
bob
hair washing
XXL
David/richard
king richard
the hand shake
all the lies
but talking with my dad on the phone
amile and total extasy
turning and walking across the room of time
wales
raw foodies
(and those in CH sometime… peaches)
most poisonous mung beans
glastonbury
the tor
the springs
and the smoker:
the southern british
so sad and self destructive
a different breed
bath
mushrooms
the fear
yackov
and all the lies
all the bullshit
giving up
eli begging
so back to america
leo / amanda / eli
the hamburger
being with my boyfriend
while everything is cooling
hermitage
rico red
truffels, pig.
dan kemp
alejandro? allessandro? whatever, the fuck
but good shoes out of the deal
the german gardener?
the horse farmer?no no
that was later
fasting?
billies?
Leo?
the van
the driving test
on the road again
all my worldly posessions
brother
desert
charles
ran horn
louisiana black man
alabama: ruby hill
hmmm
short mountain
a million miles
and don’t take my picture
Goat
and the storm
making love to the computer
direction
not companionship
goat
family
(too long, depression, father, iml, etc..)
the shave
working for kwai in Santa Cruz
HIV testing
feeling like he knows me feeling but is purposely ignoring them to get what he wants
the emotional cobwebs in the house
4th billy gathering
(leo)
Beijing
what?
the heat
the pork!
the street food (carob bun, crispy crep thing)
street sweeper
tiantan park
dongden park
stool massage
great wall
Tom
djong quai
“just in their head”
“for the best for china”
“so glad they opened tibet to us”
2008 hosting
Mongolia
rotten animal food
cracks in the pavements
lack of coverings
filthiest
letting it go
leaving town:
bubonic plague
the van
the shaking
the mounds of rocks
the connstant talking of the professor
sexual tension
and abstinance
not robert anyway
fuck
the gers
the herbs
the herbalist
mountain monastery being rebuilt
fly dung
the horses
love!
the horses
day five
fresh meat
the riding
discrepencies
sink holes
perma frost
wrestling
drinking
green-beret/rodeo clown
up the hill one violent red morning to give my most precious to the oovum
trash that does not rot
yes, the beautiful lake
and hot springs
and
tomarow
whores in the hotel
strippers
monasterymissing the flight
beijing
a little more stressed
trash cans?
grrr
flight home
riding the bike
finishing the job
heading to SF
jim: 9/11
tieawaz/ public enemy
the biggest tragedy
fuck this shit
hermitage
drunken jag
alone time
web cam
bear411/bearwww
re-introducing….: Porn!
indian food
mom
hot springs
art of living
woman’s tea
dan kemp
hawaii
ticket
“we’ll still be here after you’re gone”
seattle
ice-dildo
ass massage
drunken jag: i do this to survive
not acceptable
joe!
transformers (ugh)
heavy boots, walking. heavy balls, belly
fuck this shit
Europe
sick (sf first, valentine)
einhoven
maastrict
belgium
amersfort
delft
amsterdam
robert/elvis
jan
leo gone
the princess
the hat!
poor leno
hans
laagte kadijk
stuck in the swamp
no money
friend
no friend
american are hot
oh no!
long nights
jack
argos
verticle: no one to get horizontal with
loving leo
nights in white satans.
worst thing to ever do, to be damned to love like that
breaking free
before that, though
die koperwelten
carneval in koeln
so then
back to koeln
and gumersbach with frank
andreas…
so down to freiburg to meet patrick
for a trim
oregon: but did i ever fit into this? i certainly don’t now
you’re all lame
and you all hate me.
oh, Faeries
Naraya
hot springs
right
Heartwood
the dry summer
the tree
the liver
the garlic
the Theo
clean asshole
kwai: billies
spirit,b,z, ganesh, fish girl
heartwood
open hearted
constant healing
up and down the hill
first time i had to be gay
not having sex
— it’s not robert anyway
learning astrology: really
naked in the lawn
Billies, Faeries
Wolf creek
breitenbush
trevis.
william.
thomas: dad
kitchen
energy healing
bodywork.
dave and randy
and Leo for haloween…
kwai
natalie
cards
usnea
water tanks
richard (trailer guy)
getting my own place in doors
and all that
Billies!
jim: crabs
damon: crabs
always on call
overload
hiding
raw
explosions
performances
(Skylar…?)
chinese medicine
lost on the hill on pancakes with kwai:
the horses
the lizard: you are not garbage (the duck in the Marsh! . . .)
something something
trevis coming down
betrayal and completion
breitenbush again
ending that friendship
and planning the summer
“should be your boy friend”
“he is”
driving through the snow
leo sea side
kwai again: mongolian horseback rider on acid?
change of plans
enough!
moving on
to live with glacier and paul
roses
and games i’m not willing to play
first massage clients again
$35
seattle
trying to have sex with my own age
but it’s the daddies
and the anti-depressed aren’t doing it for me
BC
the face in the forest
the different country
what about BC before?
kwai again
how did it go?
Naraya!
YES!
— i’ve decided not to continue this project
because writing about this part of my life takes many many hours every day
which i cannot give it right now
but it is my devotion this summer
still
i will not be blogging it
so i can make it raw-er and flowy-er and then can make a book out of it
i’ll post about that, though
so you won’t miss out on it, if you want it
then
for now
you can read a bit of my notes, which is the way i am completing this project.
:
i turned 21 in Portland
eli visiting
meeting robert
Utah! Nevada!
to new york
Hello beautiful man!
running through the water deluge, the strawberry, the gutters full, the air, the rivers to jump over
Jerry: HIV
taking everything in stride
panic attack, more healing at the springs
robert, job offer
indiana: i’m a guru
lothlorien: the strangling and dying of nature
the life-sucking cat
the big sexy bear monster
and the magic of my hands
Arkansas
a day, a week, a month of bad british accents
the keys
the faeries, the gold/silver cross
tube10
being in my body, just like that
the mushrooms
the faeries
being in arizona, being in arizona, being in arkansas
the bars
the rain fall
right, leaving
sedona
rainbow death camp
hawk
sewage
chakra tuning
perfect : we know how to control god.
teaching the aries to be grounded, drowning
tucson
a sort of home
larry: kansas… South Africa!
boyo shaves
new york, yes…
south africa!
face lift, tummy tuck, cigarettes. 18yo 50yo.
click click
manhattan burger, LA stop
we haven’t fully exploited this culture
banana like an icecream cone
let the spirit leave the meat
milkwook and silk wood
the bars, that is, the drink, the marriage
Andrij
131313
the grasshopper
the family
the phone call
heading home.
home.
i’m going to live in new york
i’m going to heal the entire city
i’m doing to die
indiana
(invisible)
fag jokes around the table
gone gone gone
we think you should….
(california)


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