Day: June 19, 2008

As soon as the plane took off
i felt doomed
but landing in JFK was very exciting
i had to switch from the International to the Domestic there
— while walking around the airport, riding the bus between terminals
i knew: i have to come back here.

(when i was 15, i wrote a letter to Allen Ginsberg asking him if i could come and live with him.. and did he know Philip Glass? could they teach me to write and make music? — Peter Orlovsky wrote back and told me Allen had recently had a stroke and was not able to reply to mail… oh no, he didn’t write it to me: it was a form letter.)

but i was shocked by the people in the JFK airport… they were So Much Bigger than the people in england

when i landed in the Indianapolis airport
i was terrified
these people were all like jelly-cattle
huge fat beasts
they looked so vacant in their eyes
so fluffy, empty
i was terrified

back at the house
i felt like my heart had been torn out

all that DEAD feeling i had before i left
it was right there
waiting for me
i felt like a corpse again

and started stealing my father’s liquor immediately to get as drunk as possible as often as i could

within a week
there was a welcome back party
and i was depressed by everyone
i remember drinking tons of Newcastle Brown Ale (someone brought it as a gift)
and crying
and falling over backwards into the pond
catching myself only just with my foot
and pulling myself back up
top half all wet…

i fell into terrible depression
and everything was blank

my mother begged me to go to a therapist
and got a number of someone she was told was good

so i went to him
sat down
and told him everything in my mind
pretty complete for a one-hour session

he sat there in silence
jotting down notes
and when i finished i just looked at him and waited for his response
it was
“it sounds to me like you are severely Manic-Depressive and i would recommend massive doses of lithium”
i stood up and screamed at him
“you’re not even fucking HEARING ME– i don’t need drugs, i need to understand life.. if that’s all you can say to me, go fuck yourself”

of course my father had lied to me about everything
he bought me a little boom-box
and gave me the new-er house computer they’d bought while i was away to keep in my room
.. and he bought me a used car
a ford EXP that leaked exhaust into the cab if i drove around with the windows open

stickshift, though

i took to driving around that summer
anywhere.

kentucky
illinois
(looked up Satyr’s parent’s house… and drove by)
Michigan, Chicago, Ohio

nowhere
next to nowhere
across from nowhere

just to see it, you know?

that stupid fag hag bitch who turned me goth years ago
was now a coke-head
and her mother had transformed from hippy to modern-house-wife
coz she married some rich guy who gave her tons of plastic surgery
Heather (my “friend”) was moving to New Orleans and had to have dinner with her mother one last time to get money
and didn’t want to do it alone

so we went to dinner together
and her mother had two old hippy friends with her

one of them was named Marsha
and Marsha was telling me all about her Yoga school up in Michigan City
i said “i’ve always been interested in yoga, i’d love to try it”
which had no bearing in reality, but it came out of my mouth
so she invited me up, told me i could work for her and her husband in trade

i took Heather to the train station
and left the next day

i stayed there two weeks
doing yoga twice a day:
once with Marsha: a svelt middle age woman
and once with Don: a fat furry jewish bear of a man
( my tastes were not yet so developed )
while “paying” for the experience by helping with projects around the house
and taking care of their two kids
boy and girl
“Kiva” and “Dakota”

these people were amazing to me
the place was beautiful
and the experience was… Life Changing

the first few days i was very sore
but compelled
i was amazed i had never breathed so deep
and this breathing Prana thing…
it was amazing!
i’d never felt so alive
the more i did yoga
the more the pain in my body just turned to feelings
and then to joy!
to bliss!
all of these secrets hidden in the sore spots of my body
blossoming to life!

oddly, one day Don decided to teach us about the Mula Bandha
he said “i don’t usually teach this unless i’ve been working with a student for years… but i feel compelled to teach this today”
and it was the very same excercise i’d read about in that secretery’s office when i was 13!
the clenching of the muscle
the lock of the energy of the root chakra
Don taught us how to integrate that energy with the body
and nourish it

i was amazed

i would like to say that this brought me back from the dead
but when i returned home to my parents
being that open killed me even more

the first day back
breathing in all that life
in my parents house
was filled with death
deceit
stagnant sickness

before night fell
i was violently ill for a few days
and when i recovered
i did not continue my yoga practice

fortunately
my mother took us to some guy she’d saved a lot of money for
so we could all get TM mantras…

i started practicing this daily

i also got a job at my favourite independant music store: Luna
there was this gay guy who worked there, Bill
and since i’d been gone, another named Allen
Allen was 25
and was always trying to fuck me

another thing i forgot to mention:
i’d got on the Internet when i returned to america
my depression fueled my relationship to the computer
… or vice/versa
i was spending about 16 hours a day chatting on IRC for about three weeks
and then throughout the year…

the name i used on there was “Galabanti”
because i’d read that Ginsberg and Wilde used Green as a secret gay love color
from this whole caste in imperial Rome
of men wearing green robes
who’s sole purpose was to please the male ruling classes…

it… somehow… resonated with me.

someone i’d met on there from Michigan
in the #gay/dads/sons/sex room
told me he was coming down to Lafayette
we’d been talking for a while
and i was eager to meet him

one of my trips to chicago
i’d met a guy who wanted to fuck me
— he’d put on latex gloves and fingered my ass
i remember his handle was “railfan”
and all that lube. . .
i felt so violated and horrible
my butt hurt for days
and to this day, i am still very turned off my finger up my ass, standard “lube” and latex
it was so traumatizing

but this guy
this guy coming down from Michigan
he seemed very different

he was in his mid 50’s
married
a Lawyer
a bit stocky, hairy chest

( i was really into hairy chests… and this is how i discovered “bears”: some standard gay guy chatted me up and after we exchanged pics i said he wasn’t really my type… he asked what i liked and i said “Big Hairy Men” he said “bears?” i was confused and said — well, i’d have sex with a bear, yeah, but it’d probably kill me…. — he explained the scene and i replied “well, i’m not into fat guys… more muscular, you know” but went into the #bearcave right after that. one of the first things i posted in there was a story from the Onion about a guy getting fucked by a bear and dying from his colon being destroyed… they banned me.)

we met in some cheesy hotel room
but i felt very comfortable with him

— i don’t remember if we had an agenda
but i remember he didn’t use a condom or lube
– he licked my ass for about a hour (i’d never had that done)
and fucked me for about three.

i don’t remember if he came
or i came
i just remember that i felt like a puddle on the bed
thinking “Oh! so THAT is what sex is! all these years i thought i was having sex… WOW!”

so as soon as i got back to Zionsville
i let that 25 year old from work fuck me

well, it went like this

“yeah, i’m not really into guys like you… but i’ve found i’ll sex with anyone if i’m drunk”
he said “yeah? what do you like to drink”

so i ended up at his house that night
drinking malibu rum
and then on his bed
covered in that terrible sticky lube
as he put a condom on
and forced himself into me
then in the shower
doing the same

i was miserable
again
traumatized
and swore never to have sex with a younger guy like that again

and i hated latex and lube.

i was attending night classes to finish high school credits
and was attending community college at IUPUI during the day
between those times
i was working at the Music store
and a Laser Disc store my mother had got me a job at…

the guy who owned it shopped at her health food store a lot
his name was “Woody”
and when went into the shop the first time to meet him
his jaw dropped
(oh, when i returned from England i kept my hair short, just side burns mostly…)
and he took me out to lunch right away at this very gay restaurant where my friend Bill’s boyfriend was the chef
all the waiters eyed me like trade
and i was so embarrassed my mother got me a job with a gay guy

… but grateful.

yeah
Yeah.
Trevis’ old girl friend screamed at him that she gave him Herpes
so he told us: after having sex together in england we might have it

i was terrified
and went to the doctor
sure i was infected

he told me those were just hair follicles
and i’d be fine

when i came home
i was visibly excited
and my mother asked: why are you so happy!?

i just blurted out: ” I don’t have Herpes! ”

she paused, then asked why i thought i had it

i told her about Trevis’ girl friend and how the three of us had had sex in england

she paused and said
” you mean you had sex with Sheridan after she’d had sex with Trevis? ”

and i clarified : all three of us together

there was more silence

then she asked “are you saying you’re Bi-Sexual?”

“oh, i wouldn’t say that. i’m primarily interested in men. i’ve experimented with women to know for sure, but i’m pretty much a homosexual”

“ah”
she said
and walked away

i did some other stuff around the house
and heard her crying from upstairs…

four hours later
i asked her what was the matter?
was she upset that i was gay?
no
” I just don’t want you to die of AIDS ”

ah,
“i’ll do my best not to, mom”
was all i could say.

i was raised in the era and mindset of Sex=AIDS=Death
especially GaySex=AIDS=Death
but, somehow, i didn’t believe it
and was always more terrified of Syphilis
since i likened myself more to famous philosophers and composers than drunk nellie queens

i figured, as long as i avoided Gay Culture, i didn’t need to worry about AIDS

but day to day life in Indiana was still killing me

i was meditating with TM regularly
a big bright white scallop was scraping out my brain
and would sometimes make me go blind

i sometimes did yoga
but then would get sick
and stop

Satyr came to visit the house a few times
we’d wrestle downstairs in the basement
or in my room

but i felt there was something seriously wrong
— my heart was all tied up in him
and he didn’t deserve it

i, not really understanding how i did this, did a ritual
to take my heart back from him

and all of a sudden he lost his allure
and seemed like a very sad man.

He invited me to his wedding
and i begged him not to marry her
— by this point
i’d had sex with many married men in Indianapolis
and they were all so sad
but worse
their wives were a mess
knowing about the lies
knowing about the cheating
but not being able to speak it’s name
going crazy!
but they KNEW

lies lies lies
i hated lies
and vowed to always tell the truth
the whole truth
always
abolish all secrets!
(hence this style of writing… but there are still shadows, eh?)

i told him that eventually he’d own up to being gay
and leave his wife after his kids were grown
(how many times had i seen this happen already?)
and then she’d be middle aged and her dreams shattered and feel totally gutted…

he told me he wasn’t gay
and really loved her
(did i mention he was a virgin?)

i told him that he needed to get fucked in the ass
then he’d know

he said he’d never that happen
i said
“ok, next time we wrestle, i’m going to pin you, and when i pin you, i’m going to fuck you”

there was silence
then he said
“ok, what do i get if i pin you?”

i said i’d made my calling, he had to make his

“ok, first: i want to video tape it… then, after i pin you
i want to tie you to a chair and torture you til you can’t take it anymore”

i thought “oh shit, he’s already gone completely crazy”

i was silent
and, again, he asked me to come to the wedding
i said
“you know that part where they say ‘ Does anyone have any reason why these two shouldn’t be joined? Speak now or forever hold your peace ‘?”
— Yes…
” I would stand up and say that you’re gay ”

that was pretty much the end of that conversation
and when i hung up the phone
i was pretty sure i’d never see him again

but was able to let go.

ah, then there was this girl
i called her “Cera”

this girl
who was younger than i by a year
and who’s brother was in my grade
— i really didn’t like her brother
he’s the kinda loser kid that the jocks siked on me when i started standing up for myself

anyway
her younger sister was friends with my younger sister

so she was often at my house

one day
we started talking
and she told me about all this terrible shit in her life she felt powerless about

she told me she wanted to burn all the stupid tabloids at the supermarket she worked at
she told me she wanted to key and spray paint the cars of the foot-ball jocks
the fucking highschool!

she was so angry

i said… well, why not? let’s do it.

so off we went
drove to where she worked
and Stole spray paint and the tabloids she hated

we went to the spot under the bridge that trevis had painted
and burned them

we went to the highschool parking lot
— it was an away game
and key’d the foot-ball player’s cars
and spray painted the hood and windshields…
don’t remember what
likewise
we painted very large letters on the wall of the school

i wasn’t attending that school, i was going to one in Indianapolis
so i didn’t hear the full fall-out

but it made her feel more powerful and less opressed
still, she was being destroyed by the town in her way
just as i had been
and was aching to leave

she played piano hours a day
and we had such a lovely friendship of talking, music and adventures
… until i introduced her to Trevis
and we all got drunk
and had a terrible three way

then i never saw her again
coz she was always fucking him
… that is
until he went back to school
and she was terrified she was pregnant

i hated boyfriends and girlfriends

she always wrote the word: “friEND”

after i left Indiana
she and i only kept in contact about Trevis
it broke my heart
but what could i do?

as for school
i was suffering
the night classes were beyond simple: i just needed to show up
and i’m a night owl: that was no problem
but the day classes at the community college were a mess.

i’d taken a photography class
music for computers
film criticism
english comp
philosophy
some higher math class
and psychology as a biological science

i gave up on the philosophy class when i was the only one raising my hand: like in grade school
i gave up on the english comp class when my teacher told me my writing was too complex and i needed to make it simpler for the assignments
i gave up on the psychology class when everyone in the class failed a test that i got every single question (and the bonus) correct on
and the teacher said she was going to re-teach that chapter over the next week: i never went back

the film class was alright
the music class was dumb
and i stuck through the Photography class
as a desperate form of OutLet
it was the only thing i’d do
spend hours in the dark room
staining my fingers
and, again, going overboard

“i come from a town that offers me many things… but never what i want or need.. and whenever i can identify what that is… it is always lacking from the world i’ve been raised in.”
while handing out doughnut holes and playing the tori amos song about them

i would often sleep all day
even when i would wake up and drive down to campus
i’d end up not even going into the building
i’d just get in the back of my car and sleep

again, i was wasting all my time on the computer

but my friend Lesley, from the UK
told me she was flying into JFK and wanted to spend the summer with me

how was she going to get to Indiana?

well, she said, she would spend a week in New York
then hitch hike

did she have any idea how long it would take to get to me from there?

Oh… three hours?

No.
did she know anyone in New York?

No.

Ok… i told her i’d drive out and meet her in NYC
and we’d drive back together…

but my father offered me a frequent flyer ticket
i set the dates for two weeks in NYC
leaving right after my high school graduation

planning to quit my job at the laser disc store (which was going out of business anyway)
and Luna said i could have to two weeks off

Great

i spent hours and hours on IRC
in my two favourite rooms
#gaydad/son/sex
and
#gaydads4sons
as well as the
#gaynewyorkcity

and got a list of 20 people who said i could stay with them at least one night
and they’d show me around the city at least one day

i was set to leave a week after my birthday. . .

{more to be added in about the acid trip with T&S at the begining of the “year”
and coming to “Love” cera.. thus being able to admit that i loved T&S and satyr and all of them… first heart opening, probably through yoga}