walk through the woods
many phone conversations
yogurt
chocolate
waiting
( for the internal hand to push me )
i thought i had an epiphany of grand purportion while staring in the mirror
perhaps it was only something about realizing that i was so fucked up last week
because i came back from portland totally alive
breathing the life in from everywhere around me
because i’d been out in the forest
hot springs
old friends
and the terrible anywhere USA hit me hard
but not enough to close me
and back in NYC
i breathed in all the strife of the city
hadn’t closed down now
and it’s taken me a while to come back to balance
or maybe i was thinking about all this STUFF i have here
and how i’m a person interrupted
that i once was doing things
making things
thinking and feeling
on some sort of path
and something, sideswiped me (a few times; thoroughly)
and i forgot for a while
for a minute there, i . . .
and all this stuff has remnents of my discipline
perhaps i was never disciplined
and i’m still developing that
it’s all coming back to me now…
but i felt like it was some vast piece of my forgotten childhood
in effort to talk about it
my tongue completely stopped
i was struck dumb and couldn’t carry any thread of consciousness
except my fingers’ work, which knew what to do without me
until all the time ran out everywhere
then i came back again
i’ve been piecing back together
and now i’m ready for bed
hair brushed
body showered
teeth brushed
mind shaken out.
R came over
laying on the mat
as i worked around his body
one of those
“i don’t know why i’m telling you this story”
moments..
“i spent the whole day with her… we’d been friends for years.. best friends… though we lived far apart..
we had been shopping.. eating… simple stuff
i remember she was going to get a breast enlargement the next week…
anyway
i had to leave and meet my mother for dinner
but i remember
she walked away from me
and i felt this immense sadness fall over me
it was overwhelming and i called to her
she turned around and said ‘ What? ‘
i told her to come back
and i almost started crying
i told her i felt so sad
and hugged her close for a few months
and told her i loved her
she smiled and said i was silly
and walked on down the street
it was the strangest feeling
and my mother could see how sad i was when i met up with her
she asked me why… and i couldn’t explain…
.. but K died two days later of a Brain Aneurysm…
why did i tell you that story?”
coz stories is what we got.
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