layers of new york city
if only we could paint over everything… if only it would just stay…
… not to nag
but i just wanted to point something out to you
when you hold judgments about people
especially people you love
it does nothing good for them
it actually Harms them
so harboring the beliefs that your father is a callus, unfeeling asshole
or that your lover is old and weak
even if, in a sort, of jest
helps them fulfill that judgement you pass on them
in fact, Asks them to
Worrying, judging
IS a form of loving
but this is where the term “praying”is useful
instead of saying
“my dad is such a prick!”
“i love him but he’s going to die a the rate he’s going”
sit for a moment
every night
or every time you catch yourself passing judgment
and wish them well
bless them with strength to surmount their challenges
for we all have shit we need to deal with
(variation on a note written to a friend)
I met up with Jorge today to see the film “Into the wild”
it was, in part, an acid trip for me
like those i always have
correlating all experiences into metaphors
parables
anyway
i’ve done all that before
and can only say i’m grateful for having come to this conclusion
before committing to my own death
so happy now to have a friend i can share my happiness with
love, so they call it
better fitting than any other old shoe this old sock has been in…
so
with that happiness
comes the light
and even last night i felt the edge of immense responsibilty sharpening again
every action = the fate of the nation (which is now the whole world, which always has been..)
now
no longer solipsistic
more refractory
still
just as important
aye, i guess i’m admitting to it
— i’ve re-entered the building
how’s the game going?
another good quote from the film:
“when you forgive… you love.
When you Love, God’s light shines upon you”
(clouds part)
.
.
.
Generally
people use the term “disillusioned” in a negative context
“i used to really love him, but after i saw how he behaved at that party i’m completely disillusioned and gave him back his varsity jacket”
or
“i really thought Bush was going to get in there and liberate those terrible muslims so we could get cheaper oil… but at about year 5 in the war i became disillusioned with the whole thing… do you think our next president will be able to secure the health and welfare of my Hummer?”
however, most people use many words incorrectly
When someone is disillusioned of you
it is a good thing
because they weren’t seeing you
they were seeing a fantasy
and they were believing that fantasy
and living with it
when they become disillusioned
something has happened that has broken that fantasy
it’s nice to believe that you had something to do with this occurrence
however
many illusioned people will never really see you anyway
so who knows if you did or not?
it’s nice to believe that that person now sees you for who you really are
past their illusions
to the truth of your being
but that is also hopeful
still
the point i am making is
if someone tells you they are disillusioned of/with you
do not be saddened nor disappointed
sure, it might suck that a game you’ve been playing has come to an end
and you may have to face something you’ve been able to get away with or slide by
on account of an apparition guarding you from sight
but on the bright side
you don’t have to play that role, which wasn’t you anyway, anymore
and you can relax a bit
and be closer to being yourself
in fact
with others become disillusioned about you
it gives you a chance to be less illusioned with yourself as well
and more in integrity
*clink*
here’s for good luck in our next attempt!
“Glad you’re settling in a place you are happy. I need to slow down myself! I set up my lifestyle in a period of wanderlust which lasted about 18 years and now that it’s not really what i want it is hard to change it! ”
a friend sent me this in a message
and it’s exactly how i felt..
even how i feel!
it’s been a few years of grinding my heels in the dirt
pulling on the horses reins
lettind the tension out of the sails
… all these rigs i had
of course
that style of living did so many things for me
like an organ
it nourished me and cleansed me
so i’m facing substatial difficulties in all this stillness and STUFF
still, yes, i’m happy
i’m happy to be here
to have my own place
have friends i see continually
all the treasures the grounded take for granted
it is worth the greatest effort.
while moving a table on Friday
i dropped my phone outside my house
someone used it to call the Dominican Republic
and used up the last few dollars (about 6) before the automatic recharge
which i have shut off…
but now i cannot be reached on phone
until i buy a new one
anyone got a spare phone laying around that will work on AT&T?
(Pretty much anything that will accept SIM cards)
or, maybe it’s just time to get an iPhone?
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