i’ve been having lots of sex
and yoga
eating lots of gooey food
and constantly turning down the smoking bowl
saw Abbey’s “Sylvia — the Goat” last night with Goat
and it was traumatizing
what’s with all these plays steeped in mis-understanding and violence?
the ghosts of two of my most absent lovers ( R & N ) are haunting me all over the mountain
yet another relationship for the two of them
their ghosts
their noses
their mouths
fuckers
why can’t love just work?
and i’m back in Goat’s shop right now
intending to be working on my photo project
… but have just been fucking around for the last few hours
NOW!
it’s time to get to work.
i’m at JFK
been waiting a few hours coz of air traffic problems
i’m leaving town
for Tennessee
but it’s all about finding home
i’m going to get my STUFF
and bring it back up..
… coz “sometimes you have to go a long way out of the way, so you can come back a short distance correctly”
i’ll be back in NYC on the 8th
but then leaving again on the 10th for Bermuda.
back in my brand new apartment on the 17th
and
Living there.
so, the night before i left town
i’d been painting the golden moldings in my apartment for hours
and was asphyxiating from the fumes
Jorge and i went out for a walk
i forced him a rushed way
being a total control freak
and feeling on edge
all the stuff i wanted to do
not enough time
and TIRED!
(and high from pain fumes)
we went to eat at Albert’s Mofongo House on Dykeman street
and had some beer
which
all in all
fresh air and food and beer
i was much more relaxed on the walk back…
which is beautiful:
we can walk through the bottom part of Tryon Park
green and lush and woodsy
people in the park..
those Latins… they’re always Loitering..
being people in public!
Jorge started singing “Thriller”
and it lead into some frank and vulgar conversation
where my teen-age voice spoke up and talked about
meaningless pop music
he said
“what do you mean by ‘meaningless’? ”
‘ you know, ‘ i said, ‘ all those songs about nothing else but dancing and having a good time ‘
he replied, ” Dancing and having a good time has been a fundamental part of human existance far before society even existed… i’d hardly call that ‘ Meaningless’ ”
which struck me:
i’ve ALWAYS held that viewpoint
and some disdain for music like that
since i’ve been a conscious adult (like, age 13, you know?)
and this is the FIRST TIME anyone has ever replied like that
which razed all of my crap judgmental emotions
with simple sound logic
Amazingly
Jorge has played me tons of music (he’s given me a mix CD almost ever week i’ve known him)
that i would usually hate or just find dreadful and boring
but i love it
he’s an Emissary from the world of Humanity
People Dancing and having a good time
Living
not that he’s a big old disco queen
he doesn’t go out dancing all the time
but he loves he when he does..
our conversation tested its weight when i looked up the lyrics to “Thriller”
wondering what the fuck that song was about anyway…
and still didn’t get it
he said
“it’s about duality, what we always want and are afraid of and what we’re offering and what we’re threatening”
(ok, true, he didn’t say it all like that, that’s my interpretation)
It destroys the horizon of my tiny little world
to understand that all of the fluff pop i’ve relegated to “Crap”
also has the voice of eternity in it too
probably even Britteny Spears
and Ignacio Iglacia
and the rest of that producer-driven drivel
doesn’t mean i have to listen to it though
such opportunities for an open heart flavoured with love…
another tedious conversation
monologue
listening to the old man..
i wish they’d come soon so i could leave
he just rattles on
rattles on non-sense
“i should like to go shopping…
i should like to go to a department store…
… a shoe store…
… a book store…
… a cigar store…
i should like to see how much is this
how much is this?
do you have it in white? black? red? green? yellow?
do you have something larger? smaller?
could i try this on?
this is too expensive!
sale! bargin sale!
i like this one!
may i try this one on?
sale… bargin sale
.. it does not fit!
i shall take it with me
— send it to the hotel
how much is the postage?
can you direct me to the post office?
where can i get some stamps?
what is the local postage here?
what is the local postage?
what is the Air mail postage to the u.s.a?
…to the U.S.A.
i want to send this package
i want it insured
i want it insured!
here is my address
here is the address.”
the woman who is often around here says all of these things used to mean something
but it sounds so desperate when he says it
babble
she tells me there used to be endless houses filled with things that people could come and take..
just come and take…
all sorts of things
things to put in your mouth
things to put on your feet, head… all over your body
through your body
she said you had to give all your time to other people in other houses (often very big ones… i can’t understand the concept of how large these houses are… she tells me there were a hundred houses stacked on top of eachother… everywhere… why so many? were there so many people? she says there must have been)
and these people in these houses would give you tickets to get these things from these other people in other houses
then you’d just throw them away
and go get more
it sounds so stupid
and this old man is obviously crazy
and what is the “you ess aye”?
i wish they’d come so i could leave
it’s raining
and i like the feel of the mud on my feet
(quoted text taken from “big lake” by Corey Dargel… see it here: http://www.automaticheartbreak.com/videos.html )
it’s been a nice few days
i’d have to say
coming off the fast
getting over the cold
feeling better
but just as i’ve been enjoying eating the food
walking around the village
and getting things for my apartment
something else has been hanging around..
what is it?
today was going well
a morning visitor came by to drop a load
and some silver cups and saucers for tea…
then, off i dashed
up to Washington heights
enjoying reading the book on the way up
eating a scrumptious sandwich
and discovering that my local post office is so very close
(though i do recall standing in line and having the imaginary conversation with my euro-fag counterpart saying:
“you know, dear, simply creating perfunctory things is just NOT good enough… there has to be some beauty in things, you know. ugliness is barely permissible in temporary things, but really, this post office has been here for decades already.. shouldn’t there be somethings prettier than formica and aluminum to stare at while you’re waiting on such kindly services?”)
but something happened after the acu-puncture treament i received…
was it just walking around Chelsea?
or was it where it ended?
after having been looking for Housing Works for three quarters of an hour (and enjoying the search, mostly)
to be stopped at the door by some chipper little queen saying “10 dollars to shop! it’s the first day of the fall preview!”
one of those new york fashion things that i just don’t understand and find vaguely offensive on principle
… well, yes, there are millions and millions of shoppers here…
but why TODAY, at exactly This hour (as i saw on a sheet, it just started) are you charging a $10 cover to get into a second-hand furniture shop?
i stared at him for a moment, trying to will him out of existence
but knowing failure was mine when the somewhat crazy negro (sorry, i’ve been reading old novels) blurted out
“you know it’s worth paying for if there’s that many people inside already!!!”
i walked to the “floor coverings” store next door
to see a rug i would have loved for my place
had it not been $3500
i was struck, again, with that terrible feeling that i was completely out of my league
and shouldn’t i just be getting on back to kansas again?
deflated
the day just kept descending
to the point where the dinner Jorge intended to cook for me was not only changed
but insistent and impossible:
we didn’t know where the supermarket was
and when i took him to the one i liked
it didn’t have what he needed
and everything it had was difficult
and he is never decisive
and i certainly wasn’t feeling so
we saw Edmund read from his new book tonight
at Barnes and Nobels
and i saw some cute&happy queens talking with him and inviting him to dinner
and i, again, felt like some sort of mockery of a person
feeling even less confident and directed in my life than that girl
and wishing i were half as charismatic
maybe i am
but not tonight.
Jorge and i drifted around
until my nerves were completely fried
as they’ve been on a steady burn for months now
even his loving and endearing nervous character is irritating me now
and at some point tonight i found myself solidly stuck in The Spoiled Brat aspect of my personality:
Oh, that old thing again…
absolutely nothing was good
or could possibly be
by the time the soup was served
and i’d burned my hands on the bowls as he was pouring
i only brought the searing hot spoon to my lips just barely
before i set it down again
and slumped there
wishing the windows were higher so i could satisfyingly jump out of them
… or at least turn to a block of ice there on the rug
or something
Leo called: back in the country
and i had nothing good to say to him
so we made it quick
about that point i began to believe i had scabies as well
and try as he might
Jorge couldn’t convince me otherwise
a few hours of searching on the internet and talking with Jorge
and i was utterly convinced
another plague i’d never yet experienced
given to me in new york city
it really has been trying to tell me, i know
i can’t say i haven’t been warned.
and i just got an offer to move to Southern Indiana and be a Yak herder
last month
some kid i’ve known for a while
sent me a slew of text messages
starting with
“can you come over soon? i’m feeling really worn out and need some dominic energy”
which kinda creeped me out
over the next few days
he sent me many
trying different angles to get me to his apartment
in the past
he’d used Lunch very often
“i’ll buy you lunch”
“i’ll make you lunch”
“i’ve got a phone i can give you”
“i know many people, i can hook you up”
this time
“there’s this hot arabic guy, just your type, stocky and hairy, we could have a hot three way”
i felt like he was a desperate vampire wanting to feed off my life
and
indeed
he acted like a junky when i didn’t come to his beckoning
and started ranting at me
case closed.
a few weeks ago
i met this big round beast of a bear at bruin buddies
and we’ve met up a few times since then
today i moved into the house-sit in greenwich village
— i’m a one minute walk from this guy
so he called me
and i went up to his place
(after having bought some vegetarian thai soup — i’m coming off my fast… this is my first “food”)
we sat and talked for a while
in his cluttered, scattered, hurricane victim of an apartment
his iTunes on shuffle
as he smoked cigarettes
ground fine weed
rolled it up
smoked it
smoked it
smoked it
told me his foot was in pain
hilarious
in his character of a bear
his white underwear under his huge belly rounding
semi-circle under the line of his white t-shirt insufficient from the bulge
just as i was about to leave
he asked me to come to the couch
i told him i felt a bit ill from eating
and he said to just sit down a minute
then he put my hand on his foot and said
“i just want your energy. i want your hand on my foot. i want your energy there”
just like that.
i like that New Yorkers are honest
but honest in vampirism?
i was a bit freaked out
especially because i wasn’t feeling well
(still recovering..)
i harnessed some eternal energy
attuned some reiki
and put my hand there
he came really quick
and i pulled his energy into his foot
shot it back through is body
and let it roll in waves through the both of us
… for a half hour
good
fine.
people often say
“you’ve got great energy”
the guy i fucked last friday
great sex
lots of fun
he was completely blown away
saying i was a wizard
indeed: we had an excellent connection
and Jorge said he felt me immedately
the first time i put my mouth on his cock
‘i could tell you wanted my creative energy… and i wanted your energy… so it was an even exchange and i was happy to give myself to you for you…”
Yes.
so long as things are balanced… somehow.
i guess things are always balanced, right?
no
the world is very out of balance in many ways
so i do need to be wary.
meditate
meditate
Anyone in NYC got an extra Futon mattress?
someone gave me a frame… now i just need to put something in it.
The fast was over today…
i was going to do it for two weeks..
but cut it short because i was feeling so fucked up..
not JUST because there were so many things i wanted to eat..
in fact
for the last four or five days
the thought of eating made me cringe…
but i’m often like that in NY
in fact
i got to feeling the way i felt here in 2005
where watching people eat
and every venue i walked by
kinda turned my stomach
… then i started to wither
retreat from life i guess..
and i got sick.
that really surprised me
because i’ve often started to fast when i had a cold
and it disappeared with no sign in two days or so
so i was very thrown when i got sick this far into the fast…
BUT
i had given a few massages early on
i had fucked a few times
and jerked off a few times
and Friday night i met a very sexy man
(who i wanted to meet months ago.. but had no idea how to contact him… he contacted me!)
and
though i was already on the brink of a cold and exhausted
i fucked him anyway
which was really magical
and i was like a little kid hanging out and talking with him
(he was so hot and smart and interesting… but i felt like a st*r-f*cker talking to him)
anyway
that drained me
especially, i think
because he didn’t cum with me
so saturday i was pretty fucking tired
HOWEVER
a friend had sent me an email about auditioning at the metropolitan opera for Aida
.. i went to it (at 10am!)
with a head shot and resume and everything
and they didn’t even look at me twice
i was eliminated and told i could go home
(well, i went through the test like everyone else: March! just to be extras: soldiers)
my friend who told me about it works there
and said i probably wouldn’t get picked
but it’d be good for them to have me on file
ok ok
i went back to the house
then down to the lower east side, where i used to live
i had plans to go get a futon frame from Jorge’s friend G.
she said it was broken
so she was getting rid of it and having a custom bed frame made for her..
when we went to pick up
i asked her what was broken
and she said it wouldn’t fold into a couch anymore..
and demonstrated..
i told her she was lifting the wrong side
and indeed, that’s all it was.
Bridget also had a few things to give to me
so J and i got a car service
stopped by Martin’s (where i’ve been staying the last two months)
and took all my stuff from there as well
UP to my new apartment
Jorge was very excited to see it
and i was happy to be there again: it had been a week since i was there last!
now it has some stuff in it…
on Thursday
a girl gave me some good Kombucha culture
(i’ve been buying the G.T.’s stuff… and it’s absolute dead weak shit.. i could never get a culture from it and don’t recommend anyone buy it)
as well as some Kerif grains..
never seen those before..
so i started a batch of Kombucha up in my new place
and started the Kefir down here… coz it needs to be minded every day.
saturday really wore me out
we took the bus part of the way down from my place
and Jorge was so excited to see all of the latin shops..
indeed, i was as well: it feels like i’m living in another country!
i think that each time i’ve been up here..
back at Tony’s (the apartment i’m house sitting for in Greenwich village)
we fed Raspberry (the cat)
and went off to get Jorge some food..
by that point i was dead
i couldn’t even bear to touch him
all of my person energy was totally sapped
and even connecting with him made me weak
so while he ate
i climbed a tree and meditated..
then told him i needed to sleep alone
we went back to the apartment together though (martin’s) and he got his bag and left
i drew up a warm salt bath
that i was in well over an hour
then slept a sweaty fever sleep
waking at six
drinking lots of water
sleeping again..
i was supposed to have a client this morning
but he’d called and cancelled last night!
oh, great!
then i realized i could go to the beach!
i thought the sun would cure me
so i got my things together
and rushed out the door
a cab was coming down 20th street
so i jumped in
asked him to stop while i bought water and juice from the deli
and off we sped!
except…
he was a new driver
didn’t know where he was going
and was afraid of driving
so drove very slow and tentative
and got lost
went into brooklyn
and i got so frustrated
coz i missed the ferry
he got stuck in traffic and i threw him ten dollars and got out of the cab
got in the subway and took it to wall street
walked to the pier to see if there would be another ferry today
and the ferry was broken!
so i wouldn’t have been able to go anyway
which i guess made me feel better?
i opened my shirt
and sat and read “Time and Time Again” for a while
then got a call from my other prospective client
saying he’d made other plans..
fine.. i’d go feed the cat…
oh, but first!
i’d go to China Town
and get a bamboo strainer for making Kefir (can’t use metal, it eats it… and gotta strain the grains out of it each time ya make a batch..)
of course
i spent three or four hours walking around down there
and spent nearly 300 dollars
drank fresh coconut water
got a 90 massage from a chinese lady
it was really good
taught her and her co-worker some of my technique
bought house plant… and kitchen wares… juicer and electric kettle
stood out on canal to get a cab
but none stopped… all full
so took the train
and was
again
exhausted when i got to Tony’s
head pounding
almost faint
i showered
and tried to take a nap
just meditated
then went into the kitchen
to strain the kefir i’d been letting mature
— thought i’d make cheese out of it, seeing that i couldn’t drink it yet..
so i separated the curds from the whey
and seeing that it was cultured whey
i thought i’d drink some..
i was amazed!
just a few sips
and in 15 minutes
my fever was gone
and my lymph and sinuses had drained!
i felt refreshed and energized!
i headed up to times square to work on my morning client, who had rescheduled…
he was staying in Depak Chopra’s “Dream” hotel.
odd.
that was fun
mostly cuddling and conversation
he’s a regular..
big boy..
then i headed back to the sub way..
open entrance
but all the gates locked up..
i noticed that i could reach around and knock open the emergency exit
which people often do during rush hour
and it’s so late, who would care when the alarm went off?
i’ve never seen anyone care before..
so when i went through a gaurd came out and said “oh, you don’t need to explain to me, just tell it to the officer”
“sorry” i said
i had an unlimited metrocard
so it’s not like i couldn’t pay
i just didn’t know where the open entrance was
and
… i guess i was just being punk rock
well, yes
a police offer came up and took my ID and told me that he should take me to jail..
ohhhh
but was giving me a break
and not really writing me up
just gonna do a check on me
ok ok
thank you thank you
i didn’t miss a train, though
would have just spent that time waiting
rode down to 23rd street (in one of the new-new cars)
and walked past grammercey park
.. that’s been one of my favourite parts of staying in this area..
the crickets were loud…
hmmmm
back here
and i’ll sleep soon
cleaning up and moving out tomorrow: Martin returns from Europe
i’ll be happy to staying at Tony’s… while i get more things for my apartment..
i should be sleeping..
but instead
i’ve just finished the rest of RFD issue 131
i’m really waning on it
anyway
i guess i feel like posting again
this is what i thought would happen
and it’s working:
i have a place to live
.. now i can get back to my life.
i’m on the 6th day of my fast
i intend to do it for 14 days
last night i dreampt about eating
breaking my fast
a house party at someone else’s house
lots of food around me
smoking pot
all sorts of stuff
i was so drunk
that i just started eating
and that shocked when i realized what i’d done..
so i buttered some toast and shoveled it down.
then i was on a train
then i was on a dirigible
with “my two friends” (i have no idea who they were)
i realized i was riding a bit too high up
and i slid right off
into the open air
holding on to two of the nice pillows i had been laying on
falling..
falling…
(i read some articles about John Balance last night)
the pillows were kinda making me float
the guys were screaming
“FLY!”
i couldn’t figure it out (though i can often fly in dreams, i didn’t
know i was dreaming)
eventually i figured it out…
different than usual, i tapered my hands in just the right way to catch the wind
then it just felt like i was caressing the wind
and it carried me
over the hills and fields…
and this morning i felt terribly weak
i woke
i flushed
i slept
i slept
i got up
and i slept some more
and i had to finish this damned magazine
and i felt so weak and tired
and terrible
yesterday i got really irritable
and i don’t like that
but it’s part of the process…
so
at one point in the evening
i decided i needed some lemons
so went out
this time i walked to 1st avenue (for a superfluous distraction)
and noticed a store called “GRACEFULLY”
it was over on the east side of 1st avenue
which i have come to despise…
Peter Cooper Village… and Styvesant Town..
it all looks like Eastern Bloc to me
and all the shops have standardized names
it looks like strip malls in the fucking suburbs..
But Gracefully called to me
(and i was finding shitty lemons at the delis…)
so i walked in…
and around the store for about an hour.
i was so pissed i hadn’t discovered this place in the two months i’d been here
they had a million amazing icecreams
all the mochi cakes i could desire
beautiful chesses..
and Aspics!?!
chocolate corn tortillas!
cakes and baked goods and deli items…
the place was gorgeous
and over priced
but still
i would have eaten so much of this stuff
and i walked around
with a handful of lemons
staring
slowly
savouring all my options..
thinking of how i would come off the fast tomorrow
how foolish! to fast now! to fast in NYC!
i should just let myself get fat!
(it’s not that i was getting fat that bothered me.. i just felt sluggish and stuffed up.. plush i wanted to cleanse from all that shit in the first two weeks i was here… and just focus my intention.. it worked: i got my apartment on the second day of my fast)
and i mulled it over..
can i just stop fasting right now?
but wouldn’t that be disregarding the benefits of why i was doing this in the first place?
true: i love fasting
and i know it’s good for me
and it shouldn’t be suffering
and today i felt terrible!
but challenge is good
and discipline is one of the things i’m learning
indeed, i will do more fasts of different types as i live here in NYC
it is Necessary
because there is always a Gracefully of Something
everything everything everything desired
right there at my fingertips
with only the high price of compromising my intentions and integrity
Ugh…
Challenges…
well..
i only came home with Lemons
and intend to stick to it
even though the two people who said they were going to fast with me this time
backed out before we even began
that’s just the way it is sometimes
oh, events events events
am i writing about what i’m learning too? not just what i’m doing?
i’m tired
and must sleep!
this just came through
http://www.thetaskforce.org/activist_center/say_no_to_section_2257
we have til september 10th to comment on a bill being passed that will destroy most gay profile sites on the internet
have a look
and say something if you feel like it.
somebody walked by my window and said something i wanted to post in “Overheard in New York”
after posting
i clicked the random quote a few times
this one came up:
Clearly Sex Needs More Upsides
Dude #1: How come when you have sex bad things happen, like STDs? Why can’t you get sexually transmitted skills, like creativity?
Dude #2: Or juggling.
–NYU Kimmel
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/010409.html
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