just got in
and look at the time
bridget and i sang the song to eachother last week
miraculously remembering it all
i wanted to wash the clothes i’d been wearing for days and days
and it’s so hot..
i put on these old mickey-mouse shorts i found up at the house in vermont
— i thought it’d be fine for walking around the building doing laundry
but there was no detergent in the house
i became very anxious when i thought about walking out dressed like this
it seemed overtly sexual in a way i didn’t feel comfortable:
like a little girl or something
i don’t know
i feel fine being naked
but something about wearing clothes that expose so much makes me feel sexually provocative in an actively seductive way
still
i’ve worn pants in this city that show off my belly, short shirt
pubic hair sticking out
black girls yelling at me across the street
“look at that sexy man!”
but i’m not on the lower east side right now
i’m in Murray Hill ( or whatever the hell it’s called by 2nd ave and 20th street )
whatever
i walked out the door
and indeed
got lots of stares and head turns
i get that all the time, really
but for THIS?!
it just felt weird.
by the time i was in the store
i felt like a teen-age punk girl
saying “i don’t give a fuck what you think”
to the owners of the grocery
but it was all in my head
and i bought the detergent and some icecream
and licked it up all the way home
i woke up at exactly 3:33 this morning
i remember i was having some dream that i can’t recal now
but i remember the feeling of cold
and the positivity that someone had come into the apartment
and was going to obliterate me
i didn’t call out
it was hot
and sweaty
i was sticking to the sheets
i woke with a start and looked up and saw the clock on the cable box read 3:33
and i lay down
trying to convince myself to go back to sleep
but a voice in my head told me this was deathly important
and i better not ignore it
i had no idea what it was
it was Fear
the voice made clear
Fear of what?
i tried to say
it was nothing
but i suddenly felt cold
felt deathly cold
a shiver
i got up to turn off the fan
and looked down the hall
looked down the hall into the darkness
at the figure standing just inside the threshold from the door
i stared into the dark
and the dark
it stared back
i told myself it was stupid
it said to go get the black sheet and wrap myself in it
it’s SO HOT
i lay down
and shivered
so so so cold
i told myself it wasn’t cold
and there was nothing to fear
what is fear?
just the fear of the unknown
just the fear of death
and i didn’t need to fear that
and it wasn’t cold
and there was no one
nothing in this apartment that was going to get me
going to obliterate me
but i was very scared
and very cold
i pulled the sheet around me
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