today
one of the dominican girls i work with
Angelina
said
as i ran by her
“i love seeing you with bare feet!”
so do i
running around in the sand
it’s not a bad gig
being barefoot
in the sand
seeing the sunset every day
lower manhattan looking like a toy
like a jewelry box
but it’s all the time spent Having to Be there
that gets to me
Having to be On Time
During Time
when i could go to a movie
or an art opening
or could be writing
which i haven’t done since i started the job.
there really is a lot i need to write
not just my experiences
— skinny dipping last night with Jorge
— not getting the apartment, worried about my father as A Failure
— the job i’m working
— indian food dining as a sinyasi
— delivering Art
— keep in contact with old friends
— enjoy a drink now and then
— old priests
— new amusements
and not just my current experiences either
all the past i’ve been meaning to re-write
but all the ideas i’d like to share
i have a lot to write
and thousands and thousands of photographs i want to sort through
post
and edit
and print
and hang around my room
then write about some more
and get them in a gallery
but i don’t have a room yet
and i’m currently massaging out my place in reality
where am i?
and where can i be?
i’m just moved to write a bit now
the fat jewish guy selling icecream down at the beach
who refuses to let me do anything sexual with him
(though he let me touch him today — i gave him a bit of a massage and was tumescent the whole time)
– he gave me the dvd for “Altered States”
which i’ve been told to watch for years
and
indeed it was a great reminder
like i should be delving into psychedelics again
but i’d like to learn to meditate better First
but really
the beauty of the film is more about
Love
ah
that old desire
where did i put it?
must have put it somewhere precious so i wouldn’t lose it
but for the life of me
i cannot remember where…
delving into the chaos void of eternity
it is love that recreated him
and
it was him having to do the same for her
that brought the film to a very satisfying end
Yes
Love
when will i get the one who is willing to reach out to me through the chaos
and grab my face back into existence
through love?
i have tried so many times
lost in the fog.
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