this is a little catch-up post
my plans involved coming to NYC and getting an apartment
then taking many steps from there
square one has not been covered
i’ve been here nearly a month and a half
and things are not opening up
PLUS, my first two weeks here were incredibly painful and disturbing
— it was mercury retrograde
so i just took it in stride
but now i’m viewing it more as a definitive ” you’re not supposed to be here ”
indeed
living in NYC makes me tired and a bit cranky
but it also makes me grateful for all the people, music and art
all the Happening
all the Life
and i know i could make it work..
i still very much feel i would like to live here
but (grrrrrr)
i have been trying to get grounded now for years
and felt that if i didn’t succeed by the time my saturn return was over
then i would have just missed that opportunity
well, that was the 23rd
and i’m not nested
so i feel like i was dangling on a hook
and have now been sent back to the wind
instead of reeled in
per my plan earlier this year
i was going to give it a month here
then go to Portland Oregon
to spend a month in that city again
and see how i felt there
Would I want to Live there again?
my major trepidation about that right now is from my getting back in touch with an old friend
who appears to be a huge vortex right now
and i worry that if i went there
i might just get sucked into that
(for we are old friends and her current energy is reminiscent of my manic days)
so i would like to spend a year here instead
coz i know i can have better boundaries here
just to hammer out some of my work
Time Frames!
the other direction, of course
is just to pick one of the places i want to live
{Amsterdam, Berlin, Istanbul, Sheffield, somewhere in Spain, Swizerland, or Cusco Peru}
and just GO
live off my savings
and see if i can find a way to make it work
teaching english
or getting some sort of job to survive
or
just go to Thai land like another friend suggested
live on a beach for a few months for a total of $100
and walk around Anchor Wat
all that stuff
settle down
or keep traveling?
settle on some temporary nest
(like tenneessee)
and keep on my way?
Adventure!
i don’t need to be famous anyway
but i would like to get some work done
that i’d like to do
now now now!
i could just do it know, i suppose
if i didn’t feel so worried about what next…
anyway
i’m here in NYC
i’m working at the Floating Pool at the Brooklyn Park Beach
thursday to sunday, 2 to 9pm
stop by
or
come to the gallery my art is at tomorrow night
207 Broome street (at lafayette) suite 7A
for the closing cocktail party
when anything feels definite
i’ll write about it
(click)
i love philosophizing
but some i find tedious
just recently
someone threw that
“well, how do you know the same blue that i see is the same blue that you see? they might be different colors we’ve become accustomed to calling the same thing” crap at me
however
last night
while laying next to a new friend
i felt his heart beating
pounding
his breath fast and shallow
i thought “he’s so scared… why is he so scared?”
and i asked him
and he said “i’m happy”
and it made me think of my mother
or other people i’ve known
who burst out into tears
sobbing and crying
and then say “i’m happy”
or the man i fucked a few times in tucson back in 97
who cried every time i was inside of him
and it terrified me
“i’m so sorry!”
i would feel
and had to not call him or see him again because i didn’t know how to deal with it
was this some painful abusive memory i was re-initializing for him?
or was he just very “happy”?
and maybe i’m getting Old enough to allow people their own experiences
and can accept that if he says he’s Happy
he must be Happy
who’s to say that his Happy is the same as my happy?
what i read as obvious fear
is his happy
he’s kinda a nervous guy as it is
from the perspective i have on people
new yorkers, in general, tend to be neurotic and a bit high strung
of course
he’s a notch up on that
so maybe he’s got that rabbit-heart as a base for his other emotions
so the happiness is just too much excitement
and makes him feel like he’s going to burst?
it’s so difficult to know another
how they say it
how they play it
and the feelings
the waves
and the physiology
how am i to know?
to spend time with
to learn he language of
the customs of
everyone is another country
some my passport is not good for
and
no matter how much i want to live there
… will i always be a tourist?
today
one of the dominican girls i work with
Angelina
said
as i ran by her
“i love seeing you with bare feet!”
so do i
running around in the sand
it’s not a bad gig
being barefoot
in the sand
seeing the sunset every day
lower manhattan looking like a toy
like a jewelry box
but it’s all the time spent Having to Be there
that gets to me
Having to be On Time
During Time
when i could go to a movie
or an art opening
or could be writing
which i haven’t done since i started the job.
there really is a lot i need to write
not just my experiences
— skinny dipping last night with Jorge
— not getting the apartment, worried about my father as A Failure
— the job i’m working
— indian food dining as a sinyasi
— delivering Art
— keep in contact with old friends
— enjoy a drink now and then
— old priests
— new amusements
and not just my current experiences either
all the past i’ve been meaning to re-write
but all the ideas i’d like to share
i have a lot to write
and thousands and thousands of photographs i want to sort through
post
and edit
and print
and hang around my room
then write about some more
and get them in a gallery
but i don’t have a room yet
and i’m currently massaging out my place in reality
where am i?
and where can i be?
i’m just moved to write a bit now
the fat jewish guy selling icecream down at the beach
who refuses to let me do anything sexual with him
(though he let me touch him today — i gave him a bit of a massage and was tumescent the whole time)
– he gave me the dvd for “Altered States”
which i’ve been told to watch for years
and
indeed it was a great reminder
like i should be delving into psychedelics again
but i’d like to learn to meditate better First
but really
the beauty of the film is more about
Love
ah
that old desire
where did i put it?
must have put it somewhere precious so i wouldn’t lose it
but for the life of me
i cannot remember where…
delving into the chaos void of eternity
it is love that recreated him
and
it was him having to do the same for her
that brought the film to a very satisfying end
Yes
Love
when will i get the one who is willing to reach out to me through the chaos
and grab my face back into existence
through love?
i have tried so many times
lost in the fog.
sorry that last post was so cryptic
most people assumed it was I who was being rejected
most of the stuff behind this cut is just usless details about relationships… but i’m mostly just saying that i’m aware of many relationships i have rejected through my life…
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