Day: April 21, 2006

while waiting for Jeff to do some business on line
i photographed some jolly gondoliers…

the grace and beauty are omnipresent

while Jeff and i walked around
we found this beautiful view from a bridge

Standing here
this beautiful view found us
no words exchanged
we just took pictures of eachother

but still, i had to put Jeff against a wall to face him…

our magnificent and silly audiance was not impressed

i often take life too seriously…

when things should Just Be Pleasure….

on my own again
to find hmmmmmmmmmmm

i searched everywhere

i was not the only hunter…

it was hard to find what we we wanted…
the only thing around was Beauty
that could not be caught.

after our beautiful dinner
which i did not photograph
but i assure you
i drank plenty…
i’m sure this was the colour of my eyes..

it’s easy
why bother?
it’s so peaceful in our little alley
go to sleep after 3
wake up at 9
move around the house slowly
while i fiddle with how to attach my ipod to the TV so i can listen to PJ Harvey’s “Pocket Knife”
hubby goes out to fetch fresh bread
above the call of duty
he gets ham and cheese and eggs
makes an omelet-y thing that makes us both so happy
why bother doing anything?
we’re living in venice
outside the window
it’s just the sound of women washing dishes
after the lunch is over
rooms filled with clinking sounds
and the round singing of Italian
why bother going out to see the city
it’s low tide
and i stand against an ancient building
to check my email
5minutes outdoors
then back in the apartment to have siesta
wake from the dreaming
feeling warm
cuddle
cum
dream of lovers
dream of magic
change the world.
last night i read an email friends sent me
and this morning it all seems so comical [and sensible]
: what we call “HIV” has always existed
and causes no problems
it’s being used as a random scapegoat
to shame people by the vestiges of puritanical body-hate-mongers
into killing themselves and furthering their cause of crushing the joys of the senses
and those who chose to live as Hedonists
fuck them anyway: we’re free
how do i convince the rest of the world to take hold of my hand and fly?
i gotta show off more.
gotta believe more…
as the effects of the meditaional-maturbational-sex assimilates into my being
i
yet again
imagine years of study and practice
training my mind to perceive and palpate the gentle fabric of our reality
more and more i realize my child-hood passion of being a Wizard is not out of reach
but needs not the props i once imagined..
but i need training, yes
more yoga
more meditation
the buddhists can help
the yogis can help
but i need to do most of the work myself
my sweet lord: how in the world will i ever beat this fear and open my door?
it doesn’t matter
jeff is sleeping again
his hand on my knee
we live in Venice now
in our little apartment right off Santa Marina palazzo
today
we’ll get our reservations for greece
whatever we might imagine we’d want to do there
we’ll walk around
have a fancy dinner at a fancy restaurant
we’ll spend the day walking around the city
going no where
doing nothing
and being amazed by everything
it’s venice
a construct
a complete work of art
it’s alive
it’s old
but all alive things die
so that’s alright
it’s part of the cycle
and i’ve always loved mature men
Thank you,Venice
i love you too.
…
when we eventually left the house
we headed to the internet cafe…
there was a response from the ferry people
we replied tell him them it sounded good
then i left jeff to do some online banking while i photographed gondoliers from the bridge right out the door..
when i went back in
jeff told me the ferry people got right back to us
our own private agent
Tilly
she told us there were no more outside cabins left for that day
sorry
but there were inside cabins she could sell us
but the office closed in 10 minutes
so we better decide
eesh!
we tried to work something
said we’d call her
but we couldn’t figure out how the international phone worked..
jeff tried about three times before i stepped in
and asked the guy working there
and he explained
but by that time
she had left the office
so
how are we getting there?
there are two travel agents in town
so we set off to see what we could find..
got lost in the streets…
then found ourselves
right in front of one of the travel agent’s…
but the other one was American Express
and i needed to exchange some money to pay Jeff a bit for the apartment:
and i was out of cash anyway..
i figured the American express office would give us the best deal
because jeff was a card carrier…
we looked around
asked shop keepers
they were happy to help us
the rush and crush of all the tourists
it was driving us crazy
but we got the money exchanged:
and no
they could not help us with the ferries
so we walked back up to the other tourist office
easy enough to find
but sorry
they don’t do ferries
alright.
we’ll just go there early tomorrow
Jeff says he wants to be the first people there so we can make sure we get things lined up..
maybe they’ll know more than the internet people
or the other line..
there are two ferry lines to greece…
so
anyway
from there
we just went walking
walking around
the other things we wanted to do today:
buy some DVDs
buy some absinth
and be back to the apartment in time for our fancy dinner…
so we head off looking
looking through the city
the beautiful city
the winding streets
i’m figuring it out
and the water is beautiful and green
no place selling absinth that we can find
but there is a guy who has his own wine shop
meaning
he makes wine
there are about 20 casks in the room
plus bottles, of course
i buy two bottles of beer:
that grimbergen i saw in spain and wanted
and an italian one..
jeff buys a bottle of wine
and i buy a plastic water bottle full of one of his brews
some blend i’ve never heard of before
next door
i buy some bread with olives in it
the DVD deal is strange
renting sounds like it’d be trouble
so we decide to just buy
after looking through the bargain bin for a while
we decide just to buy two normal DVDs
we both want to see “Finding Neverland”
but can’t decide on the second title
so Jeff picks something with John Cusak called “Serendipity”
which looks like some romanic comedy to me..
but hey..
it’s fine
we’ve got our wares
and we’re walking towards home
we stop at a particularily beautiful bridge
and i pull out my camera to take pictures
Jeff rolls his eyes and says “here we go”
what?
i turn around
and there is the most beautiful guy there…
stocky, fit
thick bearded
bear!
glasses
back pack
and he’s obviously interested in us
but why do you have to be like that, jeff?
it’s embarrassing
yet it would be so fun to talk with this guy
i smile and nod
take a picture of him
but we don’t talk
as he can feel the awkwardness
and Jeff is all rolling his eyes
and walks off
i shrug my shoulders and follow him
this is why i hate “boy friends”
i’m just not meant for this kind of relating
when i see a beautiful man i want to feel free to talk with him
not necessarily fuck him
but if he’s interested
there’s nothing wrong with talking
is there?
grrrr
i find jeff
and try and talk with him about this
and he dismisses it
saying he knows how i am
but we made a deal!, i said
i’m not going to have sex with him
but i could have at least talked with him
we could have been human
you didn’t need to get jealous just because of my attraction…
it doesn’t matter
we’re close to home
so we walk back
stopping in to a church
just for a moment
that huge ceiling
wide space
even here in Venice
it feels even stronger
it’s beautiful
the kids are playing kick ball against the door…
we walk home
and i give him all my bags
… but i carry around the wine bottle i’ve been drinking from
i tell him i am off to find absinth
and it’s really hard
but no
i don’t go looking for that cute bear
i go looking for the store we passed the first day we came into town
because i remember seeing the Absinth bottles in the window…
and
after being lost on the quay side
passing a million beautiful men
a million beautiful buildings
drinking my wine
eating my olive bread
buying some fruit at a local stand
ha ha
i find the store
it’s a butcher store with wine and liquors…
and both of the guys who were there are incredibly cute
ok, now i’m in full on cruise mode
it’s terrible.
i try and snap some pictures
but decide not to buy the absinth
it’s €30 a bottle
which means it’s just tourist fare
and it doesn’t look all that good
two types from the Czech republic that are filled with artificial colours
one from Italy, torino… but it’s just so dolled up
i skip it
buy some cheese and beef salami
watch the men with their big beards and big forearms
smile at me uncomfortably
i buy some more chocolate
and absinth pastiches
then head home:
it’s time to be back!
we have dinner reservations!
in the apartment
i notice i’m obviously a bit drunkish…
i lay down
and jeff says
Let’s go!
i put on my nice green shirt
with the red underneath
tuck in
look nice…
so we walk down and around the corner
it’s a very fancy restaurant
and the room is almost empty when we sit down..
right next to a dutch couple
those heterosexual dutch couples… so weird..
they’re looking through the menu
don’t know what to order
i can half-understand what they’re saying
and miss amsterdam…
we quickly decide on a fixed meal
the second one
the chef’s raw sea food plates
interesting
ok.
oh
i wish i could remember everything
but i’m served a bubbly aperitif
then a bottle of blush
as i eat
what was that?
squid ink and something
then raw prawns, with a touch of lime
and slices of tuna with pepper corns
all the tables around us are seated
and everyone gets the same thing we’ve order
it’s beautiful to look at
and wonderful to taste
to eat
it doesn’t fill us too much
gets me more high than i am already
with all the wine
and the beautiful day
i don’t remember all the dishes inbetween
but i remember being really impressed with Jeff said he was ready to go
didn’t really need the desert
it was some strawberry dish that’s very popular now
he said
strawberries and balsamic
very trendy in the food community right now
he’s not interested..
not interested unless it were a strawberry sorbet
yeah, he’d like that
so
what comes out?
strawberry sorbet with balsamic reduction
wow
good job manifesting that
but after i finish eating it
he shews me off
i think he thinks i’m too drunk
and indeed
i am falling asleep
i don’t want to be sitting there anymore
he say’s he’ll wait for the bill
i should just go home..
so i do
it’s just around the corner
i took some pictures of myself
i got undressed
which i don’t really remember
but i guess i broke my choker that i’ve been wearing for about a year
i found it among my clothes in the morning
but tonight
all i remember was putting my lap top on playing “horses”
and disappearing into drunken sleep before the song was even over.