Month: March 2006

i woke up tired
layed around in bed
once again
my body felt sore
stiff
i undulated my spine
twisted
stretched
meditated a bit
then had breakfast with Leo
i noticed my sinuses were starting to hurt
and i sneezed a few times
so i took the homeopathic Kali Bich again
and went into the toilet and washed my sinuses out with my urine
Leo was out of Cash
so we went off to get some Money changed
the place right next to our hotel gave me
2347Kcs for $100
Leo had traveler’s checks
so we had to look for a bank.
we decided to go on a walking tour today.
in english.
we walked down to Wenceslaw Square
the main commercial/tourist area
we’d not been there yet
but that’s where we were to meet the tour guide
on the way
we found a bank
and i saw a liquor store that had many different bottles of Absinth in the window
some of them the right color…
but i didn’t want to carry any of it around the city all day
we went from there to an internet cafe
cheapest we’d found so far
1Kc per minute
so he answered his messages
and i answered mine
and did my best to cull some interesting profiles from Prague
sent out a few messages
maybe i could get someone to go to the movie with me tomorrow?
Leo got a message from a guy who had been wanting to meet me back in NY
and had seen Leo’s link in my profile
so messaged him as well
ok ok
we wrote down his number so we could call him
but he gave us both different numbers
so i just messaged him back
maybe we could meet up tomorrow?
we walked to the square…
we were supposed to meet the guide at the Statue of Wenceslaws on his horse..
there he was, with the yellow umbrella
a cute blond czech boy
Leo had a big smile on his face
but when we paid him for the tour
(the equivalent of ~€18 each)
he told us our tour guide would be here soon, a girl named Simona
oh.
so we looked around the square
enjoying all the tourists taking pictures of the statue
as the crowd of our group gathered..
this was just a random day
well, the ides of march, yeah
but
a wednesday
in the winter..
yet
we had over 20 people for the tour!
she told us a lot of history
had a great sense of humor
and aligned pretty well with my political beliefs.
i’ll spare the details of the tour
if you want to know all about it
go to prague and do it yourself
but it was pretty good
however
we’d basically done the second half of it already
still
it was nice to get more info from our guide
up at the Palace, where the tour ended
the day was much hazier than when we’d been there the day before
which made me sad the view wasn’t as nice
but glad i’d taken pictures when it was
Leo and i walked back down into the city
to meet my friend Jerry at Old Town Square.
Jerry was a guy i met working at the Bath House in Portland
back in ’99
we’d kept in touch all those years
meeting up when he moved back to San Francisco
he’s a sweet guy
a Legal Assistant
which says a bit about his personality
i was a bit saddened to see that he was clean shaven now
because of the firm he’s working for here in Prague
still
it was great to see him
he took us to the Tyn cathedral: the guy who watches over it hates tourists
so mostly keeps the church locked up but for special occasions
and Jerry had heard the organ playing when he walked by
so he knew it would be open
we got to walk around maybe 10 minutes
then he took us to an Irish bar
at that point
i exited
while they waited for the Guinness
i ran around looking for an international calling place
put on my glasses so i could see farther
and found one not too far away
tried to call Arthur for his birthday..
called and called
but he wasn’t there
and the number was reaching a different voicemail than he used to have
i was worried he’d changed his number again
and sad i missed talking with him
so i went back to the Irish bar
and sat down to drink my beer..
i hadn’t had a Guinness since they changed the recipe..
it’s much lighter
unfortunately
i like the rich thick dark beers…
so i went through it pretty quick
and U2’s “Joshua Tree” was playing
of course!
we left there
and Jerry took us to a back-alley Czech place
pretty cheap
pretty good food
i ordered a different aperitif
but this time it was just a czech version of “grappe”
which isn’t my favourite
however
pork with mushrooms and onions and ginger was pretty damn good.
Beer was good.
good good good.
we took Jerry back to our hotel
to see if he would recommend it to friends
he was impressed with our find
(he had been trying to find us a good place to stay weeks ago)
from there
he took us to that gay bar, Friends, that we couldn’t find a few nights ago
: it had moved
it was a generic gay bar
boring.
i had a dark beer that was too sweet
s’ok
off we went
down past the Tesco to Narodni Trida
to take the tram out to Zisko, the area he lives in; the gay area
he took us to a place called Alcatraz
a cellar sex-bar
we sat and had a beer upstairs
taking pictures of pigs
and
conversation:
Jerry had to be at work early in the morning
working boy!
the bar was a late night bar
he left us shortly after 11
and we went down stairs…
it was an interesting space
huge vaulted catacombs
which was really the most interesting aspect of the night
though there were posters on the wall about all the kinks
and video porn of fisting and many other sports
… no one was having sex.
well
near no one
we were there til about 2
each of us only played once
and it was with the same person.
i spent most of my time sitting in the dark in one of the dark room
but the one with a dim red light on
i sat on the bench
let my eyes adjust
and watched the people coming in and out
drinking my beer
feeling the swell of my tiredness
wondering
again
what i was doing here
the guy i played with
he was hot
kinda
muscle/beefy boy
but thick enough to be interesting
only wanted to masturbate and pull on nipples
but that’s cool
it was fun
more for him than for me
i like experiencing other people than my usuals sometimes
but when it was over
i went to find Leo
and we got out of there
in good time to catch the night tram back to Narodni Trida
which was just a few minutes from our Hotel
when we got off the tram
i was starving
and there was a Gyros stand open right there
so i ran in to get one
yeah
it will still cheap
but more expensive than out in Kreuzberg
about 50Kcs
i ended up buying one for a homeless guy too
poor old drunk confuses guy
… it wasn’t much..
and it was chicken
when i really love lamb
still
i devoured it as we walked back to the hotel
gone quickly
still
good
but totally exhausted
we got back to the room
and
once again
we crashed hard.

our room has a radiator in it
a little knob on the side
i turned it on
just slightly, i thought
but i woke about 5 am
sweating, feeling strangled by the sheet/duvet
too much heat
i reached up and turned the radiator off
and lay back down in my dream
i had been dreaming that i was a married man
and had another really good man friend
we would get together sometimes
and drink
and talk
and have sex
i rarely had sex with anyone besides my wife and him
but he was out all the time
picking up guys at road-side rest stops and parks
i remember
in the dream
being really concerned for him
trying to explain to him how these men had no scruples
had no integrity when it came to protecting themselves, their families, and the guys they had sex with
that he was putting himself, his family and me at danger by having sex with them
but he didn’t want to hear it
my life went on with a quiet un-easyness that i couldn’t do anything about
because he was my friend…
somewhere in this vague stressful life my dream was giving me
i woke
layed in that feeling
unquiet
i was very thirsty
i went to the toilet
sat down
and emptied myself
drank many glasses of water
thought.
came back to bed
got out the computer
and wrote a letter to Eli.
i went to sleep around 6:30 or so
and woke again around 10 something
this time
from a dream of my sister and mother coming to visit me where i was living with my Friend in Germany
i had to explain everything to them in a pedantic way
it was really tiring
my Friend disappeared
in fact
everyone in Germany seemed to disappear
to the extent that i had to make all the food for them
i had to get the tickets for the train
i had to, somehow, figure out how to drive the train and make it go where we wanted to go
my mother and sister were continually confused and asking me to do more and more things
i woke up tired.

we rode the train all day
well
not too early
but it was a 6 hour ride
from Amsterdam to Berlin
long flat plains
covered in snow
falling sideways
through the birch forests
i was shocked
that we were pulling into Zoo Station
the view from the platform: a bombed out church
left in a monumental state of disrepair.
we went out of Zoo Station
to the U-Bahn right next door
took the line U2 to the Wittenburgplatz
U2?
so i put on Achtung Baby the first night i had to walk around
and laughed at U2
and laughed at my childhood
and wondered what experience those guys had here in Berlin
… and why i never knew they were singing about Berlin?
somewhere in berlin with you
everything covered in snow
i laughed about you too
about you and me
about “who’s gonna ride your wild horses”
and all the other songs.
i don’t remember ever watching “Wings of Desire” with you
but i found myself on Potsdamerplatz
and marveled at how everything had changed from when that movie was filmed ( a few years before the wall fell )
art and culture
and money
and space
holes left over
waiting for the change
where commerce hadn’t found it yet
and communism or war had amputated parts of it
some small side street
lost in twenty years ago
a watch tower
where… i guess… they’d shoot you if you tried to go across. . .
still, a little tiny sad box of a café underneath it
under it’s watchful eye
filled with silent faces drinking their coffee
many miss it
that way of life
it’s all they knew
all this “freedom” is utterly confusing to them.
we took the u-bahn back to zoo station
and left out of there early sunday morning
so we could see Dresden
a Jewel of Old Germany
destroyed out of spite in the war
— attempted restorations
but a bulk of communist-era buildings
… the emptiness
something left me feeling so sad
so “depressed”
we had scheduled three hours to see the town
by one and a half
i wanted out of there
… we spent the last hour sitting at the train station waiting 
being cold (snow still falling)
reading Thomas Mann (ugh, i really don’t like his writing style, but want to read Death in Venice before i get there )
did i ever share eastern european authors with you?
the big ones like Kafka and Kundera
we didn’t really talk about them so much, did we?
the smaller ones like
Schultz, Grombrowitcz and Walsser
Prague IS a midaevil city
and Leo has never read any of that stuff
so i recount the stories i remember ( i read the bulk of that stuff at 15 through 19 )
all about feeling out of place
wondering who the fuck you are
giving yourself over to paranoia and self consciousness
and getting lost somewhere in there
or exulting it.
i sat in a bath house last night (it’s 5:30 am now, i woke from the heat of the radiator, and the dramatic dream i was having)
sauna, whirlpool
i sat in the tepid water
bubbles everywhere
having just had sex with some finnish guy
wondering
after the rush of it
why i’d done it…?
and
indeed
why i’d done any of it
remembering in my youth 
after i’d left Oscar Wilde and Morrissey and found Fags in Indiana
i believed that being a part of gay culture = AIDS = Death
so fearing and avoiding sex with queens, bath houses, bars, discos
but as i aged
lost somewhere in america
i felt i had to accept gay culture
not like you did it
where you embraced a personality of it
piercing your eyebrow, dying your hair
being a beautiful young thing
but i made myself an old man who had just left his wife and stumbled into my generation’s outlets…
(except i wasn’t an old man who had just left his wife… i had just left the midwest and all the repression entailed)
not knowing what to do
i would sit in bars and talk with the Cat Men
drinking
drunking
the going home
the hopeful love
based in nothing
eventually succumbing to bath houses
after working in one
to try and understand the culture
to try and get past my fears
.. i just made it so i couldn’t hear the screaming of my paranoia anymore
but i blotted out the voice of reasonable fear as well
but that’s how i moved, that’s how i lived
and found it ok,
somewhere in my life
to retire
and spend my days chasing tail
caught in the hungry rush
and wondering Why when the sweat had cooled
i was right about everything
or half of everything
or a quarter of everything
— just enough to seal my fate
and wondering if it could have been different if i’d chosen writing imaginary paranoias 
(though, at the breaking point, i didn’t want to create more fear and pain for the world
even at the expense of my catharsis
my fear of proliferating pain to any audience
kept me doing it in my friends and lovers)
so i sat with the bubbles around me
wondering what it was i WAS doing
and wondering what you were doing…
being gay in your way
much safer, much more nourishing than mine
and cultivating your life
even if out of stuff i can’t understand or enjoy
(LA)
doing your best to sculpt a person of  . . . famous movie making
and even if you possibly failed that
you would have a satisfying domestic life
and an acceptable job doing certain affects for TV and films
dreams to reach for
and something to fall back on
where i’m at a crucial moment
and have no idea where i want my story to go
how to make it believable
how to even keep it going…
how to pull a magic trick again
to keep it from becoming a horrorshow
but i guess i’ve got some talent for magic tricks like that
(the bunny will set you free — i saw it on my ipod a few days ago)
some sort of faith in myself i’ll be alright
thanks for being a person
i can share a story and thought with
even if i’m not being able to communicate with you
lost in Lyon
or somewhere in Europe with you

and what was it?
the travel day?
we woke so late
such a late start
so lazy
tired
sore
rolled around in bed
stretched
a very long waking up
rocking
gentle yoga
breathing
but eventually i got up
Leo had been up a while
morning prayers
dreaming up plots
we got our tray of breakfast
and began eating it around 10:30
— the tray was supposed to be put back out on the side board at 11
we didn’t get it out til half past..
breakfast?
small pre-packaged things:
nutella, jam, butter, chicken liver pate, cream, lemon juice, tea bags, nescafé, a thermos of hot water, a package of 6 pices of ham, two baby soft cheeses, two white rolls, two whole wheat rolls, two pieces of dense grey german bread.
not bad
we ate most of it
and i had one of my rolls that i bought in Dresden the day before
a small full seed roll
pumpkin, sunflower, sesame, flax seeds
whole wheat bread
Leo kept calling it Parrot food
and it kept making me think of Kelly Schmooney
which made me think of Arthur
and i missed Kelly Schmooney
his squawking
but really
i missed Arthur
though our relationship wasn’t the most full or fabulous
i felt he was very humble in what he was
which is so rare for a Pisces..
i missed just spending time with him
the gentle sexual intensity
the cuddling
and Leo said it over and over..
tomorrow is Arthur’s birthday
i am hoping to talk with him then…
for whatever good that will do
i don’t know if i believe in long distance love right now
but i always want to reach out and touch those i love
so far away…
well..
we ate our food
and really
we’re here..
so out into the city to see Prague
i was amazed at how strange it seemed last night
it seemed to make sense to me now..
i looked at the map
and off we walked
following our eyes
even though i thought we were going to the main square
we didn’t make it there..
walked in some church…
beautiful
… unlike all the other baroque churches i’ve seen
this didn’t seem gaudy
didn’t seem flagrant
sure
shining
but some sort of balance with the darkness
some humility
something…
we walked through the tight alleys
the amazing beautiful decorations to look at in every direction
streets filled with tourists
the snowing…
came to an intersection where four men were holding up the walls of a building
naked men
old
stone
with lion’s paws across their genitals
cept for one
who had the lion’s face
what?
across from them
was Club 23
of course.
we wandered
and found ourselves at the Charles bridge
the two churches around here we couldn’t get into
just into the initial doors
to look in
and see the beauty
but no one there to manage them..
— the most atheist country in europe…
we walked through the snow
across the bridge
looking at the statues
— i was feeling oppressed by all the saints, all the dying god imagery
but Leo wanted to see the Infant of Prague
and it was this way
… we found out from an info booth
somewhere across the river
the Infant…
We found him with little trouble
as we got closer
all the jewelry shops were selling statues
the bakeries selling wafers
the craft shop selling carvings and dresses
whatever
camp!
we found the little church
and went in
high rococo altar for the little guy
totally gaudy
ummmm
i sat and watched him a bit
the church felt good..
we walked around
in the tourist shop was a couple Italians
a really skinny one
ill looking
and a fat one
sloppy looking
… they looked like a couple
they looked scared of me
darting side glances
i walked out of there through a back room
round to the sacristy
and there they were again…
Leo met up with me there
and we walked down the mission hallway
Leo pointing out
“K+M+B 2005”
written on all the doors
what was that?
the initials of the three wisemen who visit on christmas eve every year…
really?
we didn’t do that where i grew up..
oh beautiful for spacious culture…
we headed out of there
to a bakery across the street
tempted by what looked like Marzipan filled logs of goodness
but it wasn’t really
we hat Tea
Leo sat us down at a table
i was oblivious
he pointed out an incredibly cute 40-something Czech bear businessman talking to his associates right in my view
i watched his face
his expressions
he seemed a little bashful under my eye
people don’t like being studied like that
but the whole world should be caressing and patting and petting and saying hello, i love you
all the time
so
whatever
tea, pastry, beautiful men
s’ok
the waitresses here
funny
not polite american girls
they acted like they had better things to do
throwing the pastry down as they rushed by
well, ok
i guess that’s why they get 2kcs tips..
we left there
and wandered through the streets
looking to get into that big church there
St Nicholas, yeah
but i went round the wrong way
to the front of the square where the trams are
… a group of four people stood with signs..
in Czech…
declaring that they didn’t want fags in the Czech Rep. i guess
it took me a while to figure it out, seeing that i don’t understand slavic languages at all
but as it made sense to me
i asked Leo if he would kiss me
he just walked on
the church was pretty amazing
once again
not entirely as gaudy as the restored baroque churches
some things so beautiful..
i was fixated by the saint’s faces
seeming so kind, St Basil
looking down like that
i stared
took pictures
there was an exhibit to let us up into the upper galleries
the distortions of the painting ceilings
beautiful
again
the stories?
the shiny faux marble…
we walked from there up up up
to the palace, St Vitus Cathedral
beautiful men to see on the way up
beautiful views
as we ascended the city
the river
the bridges
.. what a beautiful city!
the palace?
the one i wanted to see was closed to the public, the Swartzpalace
it was being restored
the current palace wasn’t that attractive to me
but St Vitus was amazing
gothic filigree
flying buttresses everywhere
the entrance was closed
so we went in through the exit..
the windows were amazing
strange
intense detail..
and one done by the artist “Mucha”
all painted glass
beautiful church
but they were closing
we were being rushed through
outside
i saw a very cute guy
big body, brown jacket, cane
hat pulled down onto his glasses
big big white beard puffing out everywhere..
with his wife..
i snagged a few pictures of him
and Leo and i headed off through the old streets up there
past the Barbie exhibit
(what?)
down a long descending staircase back to the tram street
we walked across a newer bridge back into our part of the city
finding it pretty easily with our little map
we happened to get a hotel right next to a Sauna, “Babalonia”
so we headed there, via getting a quick bite to eat near there
i got a turkey sandwich
Leo go a Tuna Salad
and while we waited
i looked through pamphlets laying next to our table about local events
mostly theater performances
but one was for a cinema
… glancing through
curious to see what American movies made it here
i noticed a Czech movie
and then noticed it was by Jan Svenkmajer..
who i loved when i was 19 or so..
but hadn’t seen anything by him since then
… so i took the pamphlet with me just in case…
the Sauna was right around the corner from our hotel
about €11 to get in
nice lay out
some hot guys
though not a lot happening
we enjoyed the jacuzzi and steam bath
… i walked down stairs
and the guys i found hot
were just not into me
eventually
i met up with a guy who looked pretty bland
but ended up being pretty sweet
the sex wasn’t so great
because anything i did to him made him close to cuming
and he didn’t want to cum so quick
so we kept having to back off and just talk
he was Finish
and from a part of Finland that spoke Swedish
hmmm
he was stocky, nice little belly
clean shaven
“normal” hair
but his dick was nice and thick when he got hard
and i had a good connection with him
good energy..
it was the night of the full moon after all
he was playing with my butt
and i could tell what he wanted
so while he was laying on his back
i sat down with the head of his dick against my butt
and just pulsed
feeling him
into him
into me
though no penetration was happening
just pushing and feeling
still
even that was driving him wild
and i’d have to stop after a while
but i’d never done this before
and found it really interesting
to just sit there with that connection and not go further
eventually
i became tired of not being able to have sex with him
so decided to go back upstairs.
hung out in the jacuzzi
played in the steam room a bit
and stretched in the sauna
when i went back down stairs again.. probably an hour after the first time
i found the same guy again
and this time it was much more direct
with him standing instead of sitting
he seemed much more in control
i was able to suck his dick for a long time
it was fun, and a build up to a good connection
then he turned me around and ate my ass for a while
then just sat down on the mattress
and pulled me down
pushed into me
and pulsed for a while
then started thrusting
then started pumping
then grabbed me and opened me up
i was pretty amazed
i’d never had this feeling before
i liked this position
and came
trying to hold it in
but spilling a bit…
we stayed like that a bit
then hugged, kissed
and said goodbye
i went up stairs and showered
went into the sauna
and started doing yoga
situating myself, pulling myself back together
getting into my body
then went to sit in the jacuzzi
in there a guy sat down across from me i thought was the Finish guy
he brushed my foot and pulled away as if i minded
i tried to let him know it was alright to just touch
eventually we locked toes
which i’d also never done before
and it felt really good
Leo came and sat next to me
we cuddled and talked a bit
deciding to go get a drink
when we got out
the guy i had been footing with in the tub came into the shower
and i realized it wasn’t the guy i thought it was!
theme and variation
Leo ducked into the suana
so i went down stairs with this guy
who proceeded to give me a massage!
which was a little painful
but still felt great
we talked
he was czech
told me he’d been a massure for 10 years
but went back to school and studied a long time to become the economical manager of a restaurant!
hmmmm
ok.
so i gave him a bit of a massage
and he was all pushing his ass up in the air wanting me to fuck him
which i wasn’t going to do
but i did cum again just rubbing on his ass
then sucked him off
still
he wouldn’t let me leave
holding me down
i came again rubbing against his belly
still
he wouldn’t let me leave
and now i was worried about Leo looking for me
so i made to leave
but he was hugging me and pulling me
and blocking the door!
it went on and on
until i forced my way past him
then
of course
he wouldn’t talk to me again..
i found Leo on the steam room
playing with a guy who tried to play with me earlier
but he was way too kissy for me
i love kissing
but not just randomly
i feel there has to be introduction before kissing
not verbal
just body, energy
he just, sloppy and wet, dove right in
ugh
but he was sexy to touch
i played with him while leo and he were playing
then they went off to find a cabin
and i played with a few of the guys surrounding us in the steam room
but then felt
i should go play with Leo and his friend
so went looking for them
and found them
but they couldn’t hear me knocking
so i stood outside their cabin listening to them building
and gasping
and cuming
and fading back into eachother
that was enough
Leo and i had a drink
then went back to the sauna to sweat and stretch a bit more
cold rinse
then dress
and go
i was really fucking tired
felt kinda ill
wanted to just go home and sleep..
but when i hit the night air
i felt better
more hungry
so i agreed to go get dinner with Leo
it was about 21:45
we found a beer hall kinda thing not far from the hotel
filled with czech people
beautiful
interesting
crazy looking guys
chubby guys
corduroy
frizzy hair with bald front
artists
writers
czech working men
i liked this place
Leo thought there was too much smoke
but it was so worth it
i drank and aperitif that was all cloves and cinnamon
Leo ate a duck
i had a thin pork steak with ginger and carrots (“prague alchemist” they called it)
then i had an Absinth..
but i was disappointed by it
it looked like mouthwash
not the right colour at all
he didn’t serve it with water
and when i put water in it
it didn’t even cloud
it didn’t taste right at all
but.. i felt it’s buzz
i started talking with Leo about my time at the sauna
with the finish man…
all the men
during the sex
the hunt
there was a rush
an excitement
but near the end
especially with that czech guy
i wondered what the fuck i was doing…
why?
what was it really doing for me?
yes
sex can be a very creative act
especially with a conscious partner
but was this really doing anything good for me?
to imagine this connection?
this intimacy?
yes
i enjoy seeing a bunch of people walk around naked
enjoy seeing men hungry, on the hunt
but it also annoys me
bothers me
frustrates me
== i feel like it’s a waste of energy
i get so confused about it
yet i’m still compulsive
i do most of the work with these guys
and what are we doing?
what do they want?
what do i want?
so strange
because i haven’t been doing this sauna thing a lot in the last year
it’s re-clashing with my emotions
and i’m wondering how or why it’s good for me
.. i told him that while i was sitting in the jacuzzi that last time
before he showed up, before that czech guy arrived
that i thought of what i believed about gay culture like this
this rampant sex with random people
and how detrimental it is
how it equalled disease, addiction and death
as had been proved by the last thirty years
… but when i broke into gay culture
when i got the job at the bath house in portland
i let go of those judgements
and started enjoying it
the drinking
the crazy people
the hunt
the compulsion
and less and less paid attention to the fear
laughing at myself
what if i hadn’t spent so much time and energy on being gay in this physical way?
like my friends of my generation who spend more energy on being artists than i do
my thoughts meandered…
somewhere in our conversation
talking about czech writers
(as i imagined all these men to be writers, and i was getting excited remembering Kafka and Grombrowitcz stories and telling them to Leo)
i mis-heard Leo say
“if you want to be depressed, read the bible”
and when i responded to that
he was confused
when i realized i misheard him
i explained to him how every time i read it it depressed me
and he told me i just didn’t understand it
and we got in a big argument
strange
we’d never got in such an argument about christianity before
he being a priest
i’ve always respected his love for that path
but i realized all of a sudden
that i hated christianity as a culture
where i was once in a state of forgiving it
now i couldn’t
and he was telling me i was just ignorant of it’s intent
and i was telling him he was turning a blind eye to all the guilt and blame and destruction
… it was messy
mercury retrograde argument, i guess
we weren’t on the same page
we went back to the hotel to sleep

we had a reservation on an early train to prague
so we could spend a few hours in Dresden on the way down
… so Dieter woke us at about 7:30
ugh
but we got to have breakfast with Dieter and Friedel
though neither Leo nor i are really into eating breakfast early in the morning
it was nice to see both of them to see us off..
Monday morning..
we walked to the U-bahn
ahh, good-bye Berlin
took the U2 one stop up to Zoo Station
navigated our way up to our platform..
and waited: The train was ten minutes late
i walked around
taking pictures
and
only then
realized how close Dieter’s was to the Bahnhof
i snapped a few faces from the crowd
then it was time for the train to come
i looked at our ticket to know which car we should get on, which seat
then stuffed it back in my pocket
and got in line to get on the train with Leo
tons of people getting on
while waiting
a woman came up to us and handed me our tickets
“are these yours?”
wow
they had dropped out of my pocket without me noticing
‘ thank you ‘
always zip up.
we had to buy tickets to go to Prague
because our Eurail pass doesn’t cover the czech republic..
oh.
so off we went
through more snow covered fields
we were riding second class
backwards in small seats stuck among other seats
tired
we just vegged.
still
it was about a three hour ride to Dresden
when we got there
we got off
put our luggage in a locker
and walked out into the city
the people at the train station gave us a simple xeroxed map
the town didn’t look too big
we walked over the capricious ice
through the communist looking town square
shops
flat fronts
tall bland apartment buildings
snow
glass
cement
disrepair.
on a Monday
we walked through one square to another
though things looked older there
there was still a spaciousness that was unnatural with the architecture
Leo finally found a wool scarf that he liked
he’s been looking this whole trip
cheap, €8
we walked through old snow, old city
big buildings
rebuilt for tourism
what are they now?
into some churches
gawdy restorations
we stopped and got a sausage
two sausages
and cup of hot wine
not understanding that there was a refund on the mug the wine was served in
“Tassenfand”
i made a bit of scene because i thought she mis understood me and charged me for two when i asked for one
so i asked the guy to give me two…
it all got cleared up
but left a sour experience feeling in me
i didn’t like dresden
i found the whole place depressing.
the one thing i was really interested in
was an old palace that had been destoyed
but not bulldozed
they wanted to restore it
but didn’t have the money
so
we could see the skeleton of the building
the bricks
with bits of plaster and paint still stuck on them
history in layers
honest
honestly something..
from there we went into another church
but this one was restored in the communist days
instead of trying to make it look like it used to
they used the undamaged fundaments
and then sprayed stucco on the rest of the brick work
it was all grey and blank looking
like the static on a TV screen
it suggested the shape of the church
gave it a space for us to be inside
but
there wasn’t really anything there
yet at the bases
were the ruins of the original church
weather worn
broken
statues
walls
arches
.. it was beautiful
an organ concert was going on
so we sat and listened..
Leo couldn’t get over the lighting fixtures:
“Sputnik” balls with golden flares coming of them
we left
and i felt thoroughly depressed at this point
ready to leave Dresden
though i got a bit brighter when we walked by a fountain fixed in a wall
with a krononus head spouting water
and a big mouth with a tongue pushing out on the bottom as the drain
i took a picture.
the lady taking our reservations in Berlin said “two hours in Dresden?”
we thought we needed three
but she was right
… we headed back to the train station to see if we could make the train an hour earlier
but we missed it
in leu of getting some good german bread
so we sat and read
more Thomas Mann for me…
depressing
(laughs)
the train was, again, ten minutes late
and a platform change
so we had to move all our stuff
i was tired!
when we got on the train
our reservations, again, had us facing backwards
but i noticed most of the car was empty
and unreserved
so i moved to the other end of the car
facing forward
Leo was reticent
but eventually came over to sit next to me.
the scenery changed dramatically
now we were traveling through a valley alongside a river
it was … again .. beautiful
small towns crushed into the flood valley floor
against the cliffs, high mountains backing them
everything contrasted with snow
bridges
… as the sun set
we headed in to Prague
no real trouble with our passports
but the novelty of getting border control
everything in unified Europe now..
we got into Prague at 18:37 or so
night had fallen
there was a nice lady
looked kinda like my mom
standing outside the doors of the train
asking any of us if we needed accommodation
… just trying to make a living
but we already had reservations
… and
oddly enough
a guy down stairs from the platform from that hotel asked us if we needed a room..
no
but we took the brochure he had
coz it had the address and a map on it
the better for the Taxi drivers…
i changed some money
$200
turned into
4680 Czech Krouns
yeah?
out to the Taxi stand
there… weren’t taxis…
there were “train station transport service” cars
we loaded our stuff in
and asked how much it would cost
the guy showed us a printed leaflet that said
986Kcs
which is €30
the distance to the hotel was about a Mile
What
the
Fuck
Ever.
we couldn’t talk him out of it
he said it was a fixed price
we got out of the car
the guy behind him said
“how much?”
we said
€10
and he gave it to us
still
we got stuck in traffic when we got into town
crazy..
the words on the signs…
never have i seen a language that looked more like someone just randomly hitting a keyboard..
we sat in traffic for about 10 minutes
about 2 minutes from the hotel…
one of the things i love about Europe
is i can hear songs on the radio that i know and actually like
which very rarely happens in the states
however
in eastern europe…
as i’ve also experienced in Peru and Brazil
i get to hear songs i’ve almost forgotten about
… and wished i had.
today’s treat
while stuck in traffic
was an extended remix of Milli Vanilli’s “Blame it on the Rain”
… though that song pops into my head occasionally over the years
: as my child hood was inundated with it
i haven’t heard it since i was an early teenager
and never had i heard this incredibly tedious remix
well… welcome to prague
it ended just before we got to our hotel.
when we checked in
our room was just what we wanted
through the lobby
to the back
a little house thrown in under the hotel
two small rooms to the right
ours was the first, 51
back by the toilet was 52
the toilet was shared
our room had three nice big windows… that opened onto the back of the hotel
two firm beds, like in germany
and a table.
s’ok.
we put our stuff down
and then went out for something to eat.
right next to our hotel was a Chinese restaurant
dishes for about €3
impressive
but we wanted Czech food
but which to choose?
the old city (which we were very central in)
was filled with tourist traps
and tourist food is generally overpriced and Shit
however
nothing was too expensive here
a .5 liter of beer was 28Kcs (€1)
Pilsner Urquell was on the door of almost every restaurant
and i don’t generally drink mass produced shit beer
but Pilsner Urquell was the first beer i ever enjoyed…
i looked at our small map
compared against the gay map Leo had torn out of an old 2002 Spartacus guide
and we tried to find the generic gay bar called “Friends”
… to check out the scene and get a better gay map of the city
… but it was no where to be found…
so we wandered around a bit
crunching through the ice and snow
looking at menus in windows
a woman came out and said we could come in and eat
a place with a simple tourist menu
OK
… it was a cellar restaurant
old brick vaulted basement
beautiful
the Pilsner Urquell was still very tasty
and i had goulash with dumplings
which was wonderful
though the dumplings were a bit heavy…
gluten balls
it was very nice
though we were very tired
so we walked home from there
and quickly went to sleep.

So Strange.
i just finished reading Thomas Mann’s “the Will to Happiness” from his collected tales with “Death in Venice”
the story of a sickly man
who defies death for years
desperately seeking happiness
and as soon as he gets the woman he’s pined for all that time
he dies the night of their Wedding.
Like the story of my friend Tapestry
who was sick with HIV for 12 years or so
the last time i saw him
he had finally found a boy he could love
and be loved by
who could accept him totally
push him in the ways he needed to be pushed
rush him in the ways he needed to be rushed
Accepted.
— He’d gotten very ill since he had this love
thin, “full blown AIDS” he said…
they had excellent love
and travels
all the places he had been wanting to go
and
joy of joys
his new love took him to live in Ireland
finally outside of the US
in an old castle somewhere by the sea:
He died a month later.
& i feel like i’ve seen and heard this story so many times before
i’ve often wondered
is it always happiness? fulfillment?
is that satisfaction?
to stay alive is a constant struggle
more obvious for some…
what keeps me alive?
what am i yearning for?
really?
and do i really want off this planet?
in the last years
i’ve seen myself just become a crotchety old man
wise and weary and constant
nothing overly important
but present to those who need that.
will my life ebb on like that?
is there a great desire that can find that will release me?
will there be a battle against a blasé existence?
or some passion that needs completing?
my life, perhaps more than the world as a whole, is a mystery to me.

i’ve been going to sleep not too late
really
i guess
last night was a late night
sometime after one
but still
i’ve not been getting out of bed til 11 or so
… sleeping a lot.
good?
Leo’s reading
i’m moving my heavy body around
stretching
doing my best to focus and breathe life into me
… this space is pretty good
spacious
it’s been encouraging me to do yoga
so i make myself a little bigger…
Leo and i decide we’re gonna go to an internet cafe
but it’s hard to leave the house
… the inertia of sunday morning.
Dieter goes out to the Tiergarten again with the dogs
and Leo and i finally make it out the door
just moments before Dieter gets back: we run into him on the street.
Ramseys tries his shit with me on the sidewalk
it’s fun
but it unnerves Dieter
coz some guy is standing there watching
— i have dog slobber all over my hand.
we walk up the street
slipping on the ice
chilled by the wind
— even the chinese internet place is closed
..sunday..
so we walk back down
Leo get’s a currywurst
and all our hopes are a little let down:
it’s just a sausage with curry powder on it.
s’ok.
we munch on it
i have a little
i’m not that hungry
i ate more for breakfast…
onto the U-bahn, U1 again
out to the Schlisises Tor
to the internet cafe…
we sit down
going through our messages
emails and profiles
Leo has plans to meet Dieter and Friedel for a drink at Mario’s
then he’s going to a naked pig sex party down at the Barn (Scheune)
i have plans to meet up with a Faery friend to go to a sauna party
not a sex party
more of a social thing at someone’s house
so we’re on the computers
Leo’s ready to leave around 4:45
my party thing isn’t til after 6
so Leo leaves
[ he told me, later, that while he was waiting for the train
he was looking out over the neighborhood
remembering his time there
and he noticed a wall covered with graffiti
he had noticed this wall yesterday
but today there was something different:
sprayed in bright pink
“Leo”
as if Berndt’s spirit had got stuck in the area
because he killed himself
seeing Leo there
wanting to say Hello…]
sitting at the computer
i fell into a customary computer hole
got obsessed
looking for men in the places i’d be travelling
looking for men in Berlin
all of a sudden i’m really horny
and i’m feeling antisocial anyway
… i didn’t want to go to the sex party
didn’t want to go to the bar
and at this point
didn’t really want to go to the sauna party and talk with people..
though there is a part of me that would like that
to meet people in a nude non-sexual context
interesting people
yeah
but that’s not what happens
hour after hour goes by
i’m chatting with people
it’s 5:45
it’s 6:45
i finally get off the computer
(yes, nearly got off, sitting there playing with myself under the desk)
i try and call the guy i had been chatting with to tell him i’m not coming now
(it would have made sense for me to go play with him when i first started chatting with him an hour and a half ago.. then i could have gone to the sauna party afterwards)
but he doesn’t speak any english
and i don’t speak and german
so the phone call was useless… not having an internet translator
ugh.
i walk through the snow
… i’m gonna find this sauna party and do that instead.
but i don’t see it
the streets don’t make sense
and i’m getting very cold
and
noticeably hungry
eventually
i look at a map
and see i have been walking the wrong direction
my entire orientation was off
and now i’m back at the U-bahn stop before the Schlisises Tor
goddamnit
so i go and get a Döner kebab
which is even CHEAPER out here, €1
and it’s good
and the turkish guys like me
turkish guys always like me
in my hairyness…
someone just told me that they outlawed this look in turkey… Really?
no long beards and long hair
traditional muslim look
it was outlawed many years ago
women not allowed to wear berkas…
will i run into trouble when i’m there?
anyway
back to now
i ate my kebab
and got on the train
… still eating my kebab
going over the river
stopping at Warschalstrasse
getting out
and walking over the frozen train bridge
all the tracks
the night
looking for the right S-Bahn
looking…
finding it
and the sexy homeless guys looking at me
and the big guy… was he turkish?
but damn, that furry hat
i get to the station
and the guy who doesn’t speak english is there
we talk
not understanding eachother
we still talk
and walk through the halls
up the stairs..
to his car?
a little VW
ja
driven through the icy streets
where are we?
somewhere outside of the ring now
to a large apartment building
ah
the large bland apartment living
storage space for fleshy body
person
something
pistol on the table
cat box in the shower
brocade…
he’s got a little computer room
with a single bed on a metal frame
we go into the front room
he pulls out the couch
and lays down a towel
gets his poppers
“ficken ficken ficken”
i insist on condoms
he doesn’t like this
and i understand
but…
the condom is like a deep sea diving suit
i can’t feel anything
not that i don’t cum
because i do
and too quickly
and maybe that’s because i was so horny
hornly
desperate
lonely
trying to distract myself
maybe it’s because of how hot he is
or how much he’s pulling at my energy
how horny he is
hornly
desperate
lonely
what do you expect from Dial-a-Date?
the internet
don’t know someone
pick them up right now
there’s gotta be a draw there somewhere
and he’s huffing on his bottle
and i’ve pretty much gone soft
and wondering what the fuck i’m doing there
that blank dog feeling of “what’s happening?”
he’s on top of me now
and he can’t get hard anymore
but he cums
one warm slash on my belly
we cuddle and talk
and he tells me how great i was
how hot
how he’s gotta see me again
— he takes some pictures
then… emails them to me.
but i convince him i gotta go
you know
there’s another guy who wants me to fuck him tonight
-oh, i hadn’t mentioned that?
and i want to meet Leo and Dieter for Dinner
last night in Berlin, you know
but by the time i manouver everything
the car ride back to the station
the walk back to the platform
the tourist kids who stop to ask me where to catch the train to prague?
who make me miss my train
the waiting
the wind…
but the connection from the S-bahn to the U-bahn was pretty seamless
and i’m riding
looking at people
looking out the window
losing games of solitaire
i get back to the house
and they tell me all the hot guys i missed at the bar
well
not feeling all that sociable anyway
no
not really
we eat dinner
a good dinner of sausages, cabbage (red, with apples, cloves and bay leaves)
and there is no way i’m going back out
into that cold night
sky so clear the moon lights up everything
no
we’ve gotta pack and go to sleep, you know
waking up at 7:15 tomorrow morning
to catch our 9:26 train to Dresden; to Prague
take it easy, baby
it’s nearly 11
put things away
it’s time to go to bed.

still
so
wake late
what are we to do today?
lay in bed
watch the snow falling..
we won’t be touring with Dieter today
no
but by the time i’m out of bed
he’s left already with the dogs
taken them to the Tiergarten for a long walk
i wanted to go to the Winterfeldplatz to see if i could find Fluorite today
… but i don’t know where it is.
Dieter gets back at half past 12
and tells me where it is
but says the market probably closes at 1
so i rush off
jump on the U-bahn one stop
and walk down the street to the market..
which is still very much happening.
it doesn’t take me long to realize they don’t have what i want, though
lots of jewelry made by people
but no strands…
some fluorite, yeah
but not beads
and very expensive..
i should have just bought that little necklace over at the wittenbergplatz..
but instead
i buy stroopwafels from a dutch seller: i never got any in amsterdam
… i got some turkish pepper drop too
and a long string of licorice
then some interesting soap from a syrian guy
made of olive oil
and laurel leaves…
walking through the market
the million things…
try a Grömetlz or whatever it was
not very good
yeah
not what i’m looking for
but beautiful market
thank you!
too bad everything is covered in snow…
i make my way along the ice
back to the u-bahn
up at the wittenburgplatz
i’m looking for a cafe that advertises WiFi
no luck
but some guy stops in his tracks
and feels he must flirt with me
inviting me to meet him at the “Old Timers” bar right around the corner at about 11 tonight
yeah?
let’s me know he only lives ten minutes away…
i head back to Dieter’s
where he and Leo make fun of me for missing his stocky bearish x-boyfriend Paul
… Dieter and i share a taste in men, i’ll tell ya…
speaking of that
Dieter makes it pretty clear he wants some time alone with Friedel today
so Leo and i bugger off going to look for an internet cafe…
Dieter told us about one down the Kürfendamerstrasse
but as we approach it
long walk
all the tourist shit
i realize this is not what we want:
EasyInternet
no place for me to plug in..
so i get this idea we should go out to Kreuzberg
i know it’s a poorer artist burg… and they’ll probably have a coffee shop with WiFi or a cheap normal internet place
Plus
Leo used to have a lover out there
the guy he’d stay with when he came here
… died back in ’99 from jumping out his window
Leo hasn’t been back since
so i feel it’ll be good to give an excuse to go out there
let Leo make some peace with that
take the U1 out…
all the Turkish places, yes..
i send a Text Message to CoCo Pierre
telling him where we’re going
he replies “i’m at the big internet cafe right on the corner there!”
what luck
i walk in and plug in
and Leo goes walking..
i had time to post all the journal entries i’d been writing
but hadn’t written that day
… and i used skype to chat with Joshua about our trip a bit…
Coco told me about great stuff going on
an opening tonight
a sauna party tomorrow
then Leo came back
so i went for a walk with him
— he showed me how things used to be…
then we headed back to Dieter’s for dinner
Friedel cooked: pasta
the sauce was great
but the cabressa… the tomatoes with mozzerlla and basil
i was shocked: had no flavor…
but many things have been having no flavor for me lately
my sense of smell hasn’t really returned since the sinus infection cleared up
… i seem to be only able to smell certain very strong odors
and not taste fully…
Friedel has to go home
and we have an invitation to this opening
plus
my friend Sam did call today and ask us to meet him at his studio…
we opt for that
so we head out on the train.
i’m totally shocked that mobile phones work underground while the train is moving.
just when i thought NYC was so fucking sophisticated
here is Berlin
with QUIET subways, smooth rides… and constant mobile phone connection.
Sam calls and gives me his address, how useful!
it’s not a far walk from the stop off the U9
looks like some office building
but through the foyer, behind
is a little house
they’ve rented the whole thing, up stairs and down
their studios, Sam and Roman
and next door: a little gallery for Roman’s sculpture
beautiful sea-like african/asian deity-type creatures
an subtle japanese-like paintings…
we sit and talk
we pour some wine
one bottle through
the second one is off!
we get another
and another
we pick some music
but Kronos Quartet is too much
so i put on a Cafe Del Mar
i’m not too keen on the collections myself
but i know the mood they present
and this one ends with a song i love but haven’t heard in a while
Lamb’s “Gabriel”
so the music’s playing
and we’re all down on the floor
enjoying the beauty of eachother
four naked men rolling around
finding the soft spots
finding some way to touch
and then coming to rest when we have satisfied..
Gabriel just coming to an end.
Sam snors lightly in my ear
we’re all curled up
Leo and Roman hugging
then Sam gets up to.. update his web page
and i feel like it’s time to get going
Leo and Roman cuddle and talk
and i chat with Sam a bit
i distinctly remember telling him to Shut Up when he was talking talking about computer crap
when i just wanted to pet him.
even if you don’t know someone long
you should be able to tell them to shut up when they pull into their heads
and you just want to be in pleasure with them
but i know this show
retreating to the computer
guess we pulled some heart strings somewhere
we’re all falling asleep
it’s nice to see his balls hang over the chair like that
finish our glasses of wine
yes
now it’s really time to go
it’s been beautiful
we walk through the bright moon-lit snow
back to the main commercial street
U9 back to U1 back to Wittenburgplatz
maybe get a currywurst?
OH! it’s closed…
what time is it?
nearly 1 am..
but…
isn’t this a late night town?
maybe it’s the winter
off-season…
we walk to the old-timer’s bar
but we want to eat first
so we walk around.
there are lots of indian places open
but no, we don’t want a big meal…
ah
there
down on the corner of the big street
that’s an Imbiss
yeah
we get showarma and lamachun
but they just call it döner kebab and turkish pizza
really good
really cheap!
we eat and watch the bar kids leaving
some of them are kinda hot
where are they coming from?
pigs?
bears?
we walk back up the cold cold cold snowy street
and go into the Old Timers…
that guy… he’s not there
and we take a place at the bar
Leo’s sitting in someone’s seat
someone who doesn’t speak english
someone in his 70’s…
Leo is Chicken.
the guy is putting his hand on Leo’s knee
it’s cute
Leo will be talking to me
and the guy will start feeling his neck
Great.
some guy named Rhinehardt comes over to talk to us
he asks if it’s alright to talk to us
and it is
so he talks and talks
he’s curious
he says
i don’t look like everyone else
he doesn’t like Munich (apparently no one in Berlin does)
he’s a cute little man
but really
it’s late
and we need to go home
so
home we go
and
shortly after
go to sleep.

yeah
haven’t had an intnernet connection in the place i’ve been staying in berlin,
sorry about that
but i’ve been writing
just posted it all here
stuff as far back as when i first arrived in amsterdam
but mostly
the last week
i did put up a few images
but they’re just gnome porn
for those feeling brave
click here

i can’t
sometimes
get the day started
it’s 10
it’s 11
i can’t get out of bed
is it that i feel there is no reason to?
i’m just lying around.
and when i’m up
what am i doing?
i’m looking for friedel on the internet
— somewhere there’s a lover
no
there’s the silverdaddies
i’m hard
i’m half-harded
masturbating
oh
just kinda
there’s gotta be something
some spice
some fire
i’m riding the trains looking for matt baines…
no
i’m showering
i’m dressed
i’m eating breakfast with Leo
it’s noon.
we’re back at the computer
we’re looking for the ferry crossing information
we’re faxing documents
we’re getting things done
and doing our best to pay €40 a night in Prague
out the door
getting things done
U2 to Zoo Station
to buy our tickets to Prague
stop over in Dresden
see some death
see some rubble, honey
on the s-bahn
down town
to walk through the falling snow
along the river
back to the Pergamon
wow…
a huge museum
no paintings, no
just stuff taken from around the world
ancient cultures
things that have no context in modern germany
what the fuck are these things doing here?
i feel so strange
after being at Machu Picchu
seeing ancient culture
in its place
history
time
carrying through in place
existence
this museum seems so strange
nothing in context
what is all this shit doing here?
i’m looking for magic
but everything is discovered
no mystery
just some perversion
some fascination
i’m looking at the faces
the little idols….
my phone captures a few
what am i here for?
we leave after an hour and a half
walk to the Under the Lindens street
walk through the construction..
so strange
this city
such a grand history
now
so much space
space for waiting
some hopeful future grandeur…
and i know kids paying €150 a month here!
fabulous
what am i doing here?
we walk down
past the British Embassy
which
in its drama bullshit
has closed the street to protect it from terrorists
damnit
here’s our story
everyone has to be involved
everyone has to drive around
we’re so scared
so scared
begging someone will care enough to drop the bomb
poor england
poor U.S.
us.
we walk to a food bar
get some soup, sausage
round the corner to the Gate Sauna (right by the Brandenburg Gate, that is)
nice
we’re checking in the same time as a cute chubby guy
63, the same name as Leo’s dead friend
yeah
sweetie
from Stuttgart
the place that guy i fell in love with is
Rudi
that place
and he’s a doctor
Neurology and Psychiatry
yeah!
he makes little squeels of joy when i touch him
licking him
squeezing him
his big round body
barrel chest
thick uncut cock
he’s a dear
we’re playing in the steam room
he takes me down stairs
into a cabin
he makes such noises!
i love enthusiasm
and that fatherly love
he’s holding my head against his chest
i miss all my lovers
i miss the lover in myself
there’s a part of me that wants to cry
but i’m squirming
i’m pushing into him
he’s holding me
we sit in the bar
drink a fizzy water with lemon
and i walk back into the steam room
and he finds me
and we’re having fun together
but it’s time for him to go
you know
he’s married
he doesn’t use computers
i’ll never see him again
unless the world pulls us that way
that’s ok
ok.
good night
what do i do now?
i walk around down stairs
and get attatcked by a vampire
the cold draw of his desperate skin
no
i’m in the sauna
i’m sweating
i’m stretching
i’m feeling for something
i’m open
i’m surprised
but there i am: so lucky
thanks.
but the excitement has to go on
there has to be more crammed darkness in the steam room
there has to be thicker, longer cocks
filling my throat
there has to be a fat boy who doesn’t really like or want me
but needs something
there has to be something
and i’m tired
where’s Leo?
he’s downstairs
had a good cum
i’m waiting for him to dry
we’re out the door
back in the snow
the snow
the snowing
still coming down
back on the S bahn
change over at Potsdamer platz
U2
home.
later by a few hours than we thought
Dieter is alright with it
time to go get dinner
but first
the dog must pee on my side of the bed
Ok
and other dog must jump on me and hump me
must try and fuck me
ok
i take a vitamin
i eat some chocolate
ok
let’s go get dinner
Friedel will meet us there (because he got in a fight with his wife)
there is always a smile for a loved one.
there, at the americana-kitsch rest stop restaurant
right inside the door
is a table filled with people laughing and having fun
and
oh look at that handsome daddy
another beautiful married man..
or is that my friend Sam?
we sit at the bar
we’ll have to wait a while for a table
it’s a busy night
and is that Sam?
i take off my coat
and i’m waiting
but is that Sam?
it is.
he called me in the museum today to tell me if we didn’t meet right then we might not have time…
Sam
who used the name on line “WildAndFree”
an american who’s lived here for 30 years… from TX once upon a time
but when i contacted him to tell him i was finally coming to Berlin
he said “oh it is nice to hear from you, but i have a partner now”
like Dieter staying that to Leo when we arrived
“i have a lover now”
and look at these lovers!
i’m hugging Sam at the table
he introduces me to Mario
and i get to watch them through the night
Sam would wink at me
but he’s sitting next to Mario
and he’s in love
and Friedel and Dieter
they kiss eachother
they touch eachother
they laugh
they smile at eachother
Leo and i
what happened to us?
he says: i’ve tried to teach you:
too many rings around Rosie will never get Rosie a ring.
he says: Jenny made her mind up
so she went out and got herself a husband
trouble was
he wasn’t hers.
Leo
the loneliness of popularity.
yeah
you all love us
and how do we love eachother
like dogs
we bite at eachother
i kiss his squishy face
i kiss his hands
he crushes mine
we’re playing
playing at being in love
i don’t know what it feels like
i eat bread and potatoes
i eat dinner (til the hunger’s gone)
yeah
i have pop songs about this
but it’s not a night for staying out late
sure
it’s friday
and we could be slutting it up
but haven’t we had enough?
yeah
we’re home now
it’s just after midnight
let’s just go to sleep
“sleep now and
dream of love
because it’s the closest you will get
to love”
he’s snoring lightly by my side
i’m typing furiously
devendra bahnhart frantically saying
“i understand now”
but it’s about being a White Reggae Troll
it’s about being from Africa (we all came from ya)
i’ll pretend something about yesterday
i’m going to sleep

This Morning
same
nice waking up
slept very well
feeling very good this morning.
sat in bed for a while
writing..
writing emails
writing journal entries
trying to catch up on all the days i missed when i was sick.
around 11
i sat to have breakfast with Leo
we were supposed to leave around 1 to go on a tour with Dieter and Friedel
we’re slow lazy
Dieter and Friedel arrive shortly after noon
we’re eating
ooops!
i guess i won’t be finding an internet cafe today to post all these journals…
they take the dogs out
we clean up the kitchen
and head out
walk up
and get on the 100 bus
ride through the Teirgarten
you know
that’s like a Zoo
Animal garden..
yeah
with the victory column
Eliza
you know
that beautiful gold angel Damiel would sit on…
we ride by her in the bus
we go to the Reischstag
they burnt it
it worked once
worked again
the crosses on the river side
whey they were shot/drowned
your goverment making you a prisoner does not mean “i love you”
the wall cuts through the streets in cobble stones
there are more crosses over there
more dead
the brandenburg gate was in the dead zone
the hotel
the american embassy
the gate sauna?
we walk down the street
all the snow
i pose with the big berlin bear
make a joke out of it
stick my nose in his crotch
through the city!
Dieter
had taken a class to be a tour guide
he’s let it slide
so he’s brushing himself up
showing us around town
he takes us the place he’d taken the classes
shows us the way the city used to be before it got destroyed
by the nazis
by the allies
by the russians
damn
poor city
all these holes
all these good ideas
all these forgotten dreams
something in the future
to the place they burned the books…
yeah
this city has had plenty of bad ideas too
and such history!
the old guard house from a few hundred years ago
now just a lonely statue under a hole in the ceiling
snow falling in dramatically on her
mother holding her dead son
all those who died in war and tyranny
yeah
we stop for a coffee
beautiful tarts/tortes
through the city
the city
all the snow falling
we don’t really want to be out in this
take pictures of eachother..
walk Leo by where i got my hat yesterday
he buys one
we have rebel hats together…
then down back to the S bahn station
back to the house
time for some rest
i sit and write for a few hours
while Leo naps
while Dieter cooks
i finish writing about all those days nearly forgotten
journal all written
good
eating chocolate
drinking rooibos tea
SMS coming in on my phone
it’s Coco Pierre
so we make it work
he’ll come for dinner too
and dinner is a tuna casserole
the four of us
Leo and Dieter, Coco and vine
the conversation goes to the amazing
the stories of NYC in the ’70’s
the stories go on through three bottles of wine
goes on past midnight
berry torte
wine
water
sex
mine shaft
toilet
the difficulty of the german language
how Jean Michel Ulrich knew Nayland way back when? and how is Philip?
ugh
and the belt tightening on how small the world is
Dieter has talked on the phone
taken the dogs for walks
it’s late
we’re tired
Coco goes home
we lay down
i decide to put my head in the north
yeah
we go to sleep
—
which lasts a while
how long does that last?
i don’t know
but i wake up
and go to sit on the toilet
and turn around
and vomit pink for a while
all that wine
all that berry tart
torte
ugh
it’s good to vomit sometime
so says my body
thanks
i didn’t need that anyway
i need a good sleep.

it takes a long time to turn life into words
i woke
wrote for a while about yesterday’s experience
then ate rolls with butter and cheese and meat
some tea
and my last walnut tart from Amsterdam
yum
good breakfast
it looked sunny out side..
Leo an i went out
jumped on the Ubahn
and headed to Postdamerplatz…
in the film “Wings of Desire”
this platz was just a grassy field with a little monument
and what looked like high-ways all round it
but it was probably just… the Wall.
now it is all built up
i was astounded..
big buildings
entertainment complexes…
artful burm built and held into shape by re-bar…
Leo an i walked down a side street behind some buildings
still had a piece of the wall up…
an old watch tower…
an old building
partially destroyed/restored bland… the old part very Grecco…
amazing
huge
compared against this small desperate and sad
tiny box cafe filled with people
watch tower outside
falling apart
windows
little holes for guns.
threatening to kill people is a perfect way to make a perfect society, don’t you think?
piles of rubble lying around
not much of this anymore in Berlin
the city is being rebuilt and cleaned up
— glad i got to see a little of it
we got back on the uBahn and headed up to Prinzlauerberg to meet Rolf
a kid i didn’t entirely remember
but when i saw him
i remembered having met him in Cologne
walking around a lake
a friend of a friend (of a friend)
he said i could stay with him if i needed to
so we’d kept in touch
Leo was off on his own
so Rolf and i walked around town
took a Ring train to the north part of town
climbed a hill
looked out over the city
spreading out in all directions
then walked down into town
past another monument to the wall
huge steel walls
with the cement ones between
i jumped up to see the space
ripped my hand a bit on the concrete
(glad there was no barbed wire)
cemetary…
then into nice commercial streets, ja…
we went into a free store
commercial free zone!
all sorts of stuff
for free…
(grin)
i didn’t need anything right now
(just a warmer hat… they didn’t have one)
we went and had a Showarma
the boy selling them kept telling me i looked like Don Juan
did he mean
Di Marco?
or
the guy from the Casteñeda books?
he didn’t make it clear…
the showarma was good… but it was chicken.
we went from there to the Ubahn to Alexanderplatz
funny
huge radiotower
didn’t feel like paying €8 to go up it
so we walked through the big square
old buildings
hotel
where the old castle used to be
now the socialist parliament building … which is being torn down
we walked behind it
where they had exposed the foundations of the castle
… still old tile work
underground hallways…
hmmmm
down the river Spree
past the huge Paramon Museum
a guy was selling hats
ah! the Northern Pakistani Rebel hat!
it’s the hat i was looking for
and here he was selling them for €20 …
i talked him to 15… and he offered me another interesting felt hat
that came to a point on top
and had a huge flap that folded down to cover the neck: more a desert hat
and with a huge communist red star on front
i didn’t really want that
but it was interesting.
at this point
it was getting dark
and i was tired
we walked past a huge artist collective
then i got on the train
said goodbye to Rolf
and switched back to the U2 line to go back to Deiter’s…
Leo was there
the dog tried to fuck me as soon as i got in
— ah, love..
i sat only a moment
then left again to go meet someone i’d met on line
sweet man
we talked and cuddled and played for a bit
then he made me ham&eggs for dinner
(grin)
but the TV was on
so i left pretty quickly
and just walked back home
coz it wasn’t very far
but i only found it by accident:
i saw a handsome man turning out of a street
so turned to see where he came from:
it was the bear bar!
just a few blocks away from Deiter’s
so i sat and had a drink
but it was dead in there
then went back
watched a bit of Popeye with Leo
then went to sleep…