Month: March 2006

endless endless
i had a dream this morning where i’m eating dinner
with Leo?
some restaurant
i go looking for the toilet
i end up somewhere i’m not supposed to be
it’s a place where people are… living?
not very large rooms
but strewn with beds, mattresses, cots
covered with bodies
… alive
but terribly deformed
asian… thai? chinese?
their limbs are all the wrong size
skulls huge and misshapen
completely hairless
pail
in fact
many of them are translucent
they look almost as if they have no bones
they lull around
slightly moaning
unable to move much
… there are many rooms full of them
— i forget about the toilet
i’m horrified
an asian man approaches me
he’s very angry
– You shouldn’t be back here!
‘ What have you done! ‘
i shout at him, as if he’s the cause
” We sold our genetics to an american company for good money ”
‘ THAT IS NOT GOOD MONEY ‘
i’m terrified
is this what we’ve been eating?
i wake up nauseous
turn on my side
try and cradle my belly
but my mind just keeps playing this through over and over
and i’m not sure if i’m going to vomit
or i need to shit
i close my eyes
and see those rooms full of people
i can’t make my mind stop recounting the events
i go to the toilet and shit for about a half hour
it just keeps coming out of me
empty
i feel so much better
Leo stumbles in while i’m on the bidet
takes a piss
and we both head back to his bed
i curl around him and we sleep another two hours
—-
he gets us out of bed at 9
we have to leave at 12
so we don’t have much time to see the city
i put all my stuff away
and we rush out into town
across the street there is a church having mass
beautiful old renaissance
simple building with fantastic baroque altar
but i don’t want to take any pictures while mass is happening
we walk out
and head to cross the river
— though i’m wearing more clothes
it’s still cold
i take some pictures of another building from the same area
: this town is ancient!
we walk up to the old gate
and i fotograph that
the fat bearded conquerors holding court up there
El Cid, etc…
through there
to pay our menial entrance fee to the Cathedral
this is the oldest church i’ve been in
gothic construction with Renaissance decorations
beautiful mythical creatures everywhere
in one chapel
everything is The Hairy Man
that wild beast of humanity who lives in the forest
wow..
so many beautiful faces
beards
silly
angels pissing
i take pictures of the lantern and many of the domed ceilings in the chapels
the way the architecture comes together is __ (running out of adjectives in europe)
gotta piss, though
no WC around
i run across the square to a bar and duck into the toilet
outside
is a statue of a pilgrim (to compostela)
he also looks hairy
naked
a shell on his chest
a staff with a gourd
hmmm
back inside
we walk through the cloisters
and Leo is concerned about time now
so we rush through the museum:
too much beauty
out the shop
round the square
we stop into some shops
buy some bread, meat and water for the trip
then another shop
some sandwiches and tortilla (that is, eggs, potatoes, ham and cheese)
head back to the hotel
throw our stuff together
and head out the door
the family is not around…
so we leave the key in the door (to our room)
and head out walking..
i’m sure there is a shorter way to the train station
but Leo doubts me
and he’s stressed..
that’s alright
yesterday i was stressed and he was calm:
we got there on time
today it’s him who’s stressed
so we walk the way he feels comfortable
back up to the main street
down
back around and down to the station
when we get to our platform (2)
i see we were about 15 meters away from discovering the shortcut
damn
and the train is five minutes late.
no 1st class on this one
all Tourista
we load in
i got a window seat
but the least window seat possible
mostly just staring out the wall
so we eat our sandwiches
and i pass out..
it’s Siesta time.
the first day we got to spain i felt it
but we couldn’t
the first full day we spent here i felt it
but we couldn’t: had to see the city
yesterday on the train i felt it
so slept a bit
and today i slept a bit as well
naps around noon are excellent
half hour
two hours
whatever
it’s SO good
and it’s in the air here
i am not much of a nap person
but i feel much better
however
my window position makes me despondent
i can’t see much
so i’m mopey
non-communicative
sad and bitchy that nayland hasn’t called
he doesn’t call
sure mercury is in retrograde
but he never calls
he didn’t call last night
he didn’t call last week
he doesn’t email
and he hasn’t called me today..
he still hasn’t called me
i’m sad
and feel it’s a waste of my emotions
so i’m angry
motherfucker
i listen to Brainiac’s “Fucking with the Altimeter”
which justifies my anger
loll around in Aphex twin
til i land on “The beauty of being numb”
so jump to “At the Heart of it all”
the two tracks he .. did for nine inch nails on “further down the spiral”
that reminds me
and i slip into Tori Amos
“Baker Baker”
– i’m so sad
slide over to “past the mission”
to connect the dots
where i fall into “bells for her”
and land on “song for eric”
can’t stop loving
you
can’t stop what is coming
and it’s on its way.
..
time
thought i’d make
friends with
Time
thought we’d be
Fly——-ing.
may—–be
not
this
Time.
ugh
the countryside is beautiful
the lush green
the rushing water
the farm lands
the pine trees now
high bridges
dams
waterfalls
old houses
old old towns
where i could never live
like i could not live in zionsville
but i like to see them
imagine life there
see the men at the train station watching the train
… they’re not going anywhere
but maybe they like to see the faces?
the beautiful men
full head of steel grey hair, tuft on the chest coming out through the shirt
that nose
that gait
ha!
there’s a boy watching Leo
as i sing to him
there’s a boy watching me
but mostly watching my camera, my ipod
eeeh.
we sit and eat
the train rolls on
switches direction
we flip the seats
we sit
we ride
we wait
eat chocolate
drink wine
throw away the moldy bread
on we roll
and now it’s night
so i have time to write
and we should be arriving in about 15 minutes…
——————————————————————-/
so
it’s raining
so
i get a map
so
we get a taxi
and fuck this shit
i tell the guy to take us to the centre of town
we’ll find a place from there
but as we drive into the town
i’m a bit confused
imagining Santiago de Compostela as a quiet pilgrim town
i’m confused by the traffic jam
it’s friday night
but all these cars
all these crap shops
where are we?
we pass hotels
‘ hotel ‘
i murmur
the driver echos it
‘ no, no hotel, hostal, HOSTAL ‘
i say
he explains to me that he sometimes works at a hostal
and should he take me there?
Yes!
right next to the cathedral
the Forest cafe/bar/hostal
but it’s full.
and that place down the street?
they don’t answer the bell
and the hotel behind them?
“complete”
yeah.
ok
we drive on
round a corner
down a ramp
… are these streets
i tell him to stop
there’s a hotel..
i go in
ask
Yeah, they got a room
€62 a night
… Alright.
we take it
give the driver a 10€ and walk up the three flights of stairs.
attic room
“Charlie Chaplain”
we passed up Isadora Duncan
“impossibly long white scarves”
(magnetic fields “Jeremy”)
low ceiling all at odd angles
one window
looks up at the chimney and the roof of some old building
like the window in Matthew Baine ‘s room…
(maybe he’ll google his name and find me again?)
i crack it for air
we lay down a minute
then head out the door
looking for food
what’s open?
it’s after 9
though we keep thinking this is late
it’s dinner time in Spain…
where no body speaks spanish
hmmm
we find a place just down the street
special of Cordero
ok…
get some beer
some wine
lamb chops
young lamb
young blood
sweet meat
young
blood
i keep saying things far too mean
i want to communicate everything
but it’s the wrong time
and i’m drinking
never have i drank so much
i drink with Leo constantly
it’s air
our food goes down
what can i say?
excellent fries
really fucking good
yummy lamb too
good rich beer, 1906
the old guy working the restaurant seems like an itinerant drunk
long beard, but spacey face
when he says good night to us
it almost sounds like italian…
we waddle back up to our apartment
and lay in bed a while
talking
then i decide to go out and see the town
it’s not cold
but there is wind
it’s not raining
though everything is wet
i don’t have the map on me
so i watch closely where i am going
feel things out
try and follow the route the taxi took
coz i wanted to see that area
and i’m nearly back there
but reach a town square
and there are people out
not tons..
this city is amazing
this old part
all the winding streets
everything done in brick
everything so dark
churches everywhere
i walk down a big street (big for midaevil streets… small)
noticing a man and woman standing at a window
curious and touching something on the glass
i look up
and it’s a big monitor
— they’re sending an email from the street
is there an internet cafe around?
i walk
following the flow of people
not that there are many
but seeing where they’re going..
they all look like they’re coming from somewhere…
like they’re all going home
but are they?
it’s a Friday night…
once again
my expectations about this being a devout town
clashes with the reality of the world
…
maybe they’re going out dancing
doing drugs
getting drunk…
i wander
now working on supposition
assuming i understand the layout enough to get myself back to where i came from
a group of kids approach me
the one who speaks to me
pale milky skin, a bush or red hair curling round his head
a face still in his teens..
i can tell his words are a practiced spanish… not his native tongue
he’s asking me where something is
i smile
and in a shmultzy deep voice, accentuating my American
i say
“i wouldn’t know”
then, in spanish
– i am also visiting. have a good night
he thanks me
i walk past some bars
filled with kids
and like a change of wind
feel i’ve had enough
so head back to the hotel
head up the stairs
Leo is asleep
i close the shade on the window
and
fall into sleep…

for every morning we can
we sleep late
last night was the first night in a while
we drank a lot
so we rolled around in bed a while
this is the first night in a while we’ve shared the same bed that had no division as well
the beds in germany and czech were two separate mattresses put together
so i woke many times this morning
as Leo would wake
pull me to him
or pet me
or cuddle me
and wake me
and the fits and spurts of snoring
i was awake
despite closing the curtains
around 9
but it was a while to get us really up and going
groggy
we hadn’t made any plans for today
and today is the day we intended to leave Barcelona…
where to?
we thought Santiago de Compostela
but it’s all the way across the country
certainly we couldn’t make that in one day unless we left earlier than… now
… and we didn’t even know where the train station was
because we came in on ferry
so the groggy
drinking water
gradually crescendoed into frantic packing and planning
more frantic on my part than his
but i was on line
posting the journal entries i’d written but not transfered
and looking at schedules and layouts
we got out of the hostal by 11:30
after i’d run down the block
and grabbed four sandwiches from the little café we’d enjoyed so much
and two bottles of water from a little grocery
it took a while to get a cab
and i was worried
but we got our cab
the driver seeming annoyed and taciturn
he just gave us a €1.80 surcharge just because
it didn’t take long at all to get to the Estacion Sants
and it wasn’t too confusing
we got our reservations
figuring out where we were gonna
go
– ‘ Leo… where are we gonna go? ‘
i pointed to the half-way point on the map and told him to pick a city
he picked Burgos… coz he’d heard it was interesting
train leaving at 12:30.. arriving at 21:04
oh boy
a full day on the train
… through Spain…
he got some coffee
i changed some money
$ is 1.29 for a €
ugh
and we went down to get on the train
the train was about 23 cars long
maybe longer
we were in car 22
there’s a dining car after
then another tourist class car
our reservations put us side by side in the aisle
a balding woman on my left by the window
she kept the curtains closed
most of the car was empty
so i got up to sit by a window on the right side of the train (north)
Leo was sitting next to a cute bearish gay boy
so he chatted and got to look through a National Geographic… with pictures of Burgos!
the city passed by
and i got out my iPod and played the little playlist i had created on the Ferry
namely
Barcelona – Rufus Wainwright
Song for Lorca – Apostle of Hustle
Jane Says – Jane’s Addiction (nothing’s shocking, xxx, and kettle whistle versions)
it was a meditation on my past:
in indiana
in my desperation
i would say
“let’s go to spain”
when asked what to do with the day
the idea of
kicking a habit
(that would never be kicked)
saving money to go live in your dreams
always starting to live your dreams tomorrow
that’s what indiana felt like..
i swore i’d never come to spain for a small trip
so i’m here with Leo and month
two weeks on my own
then another week with Joshua
i’m finally in spain
spain rolls by
Barcelona rolls by
the different layers of the city
Rufus Wainwright says
“even if that straw
i pull
and i have to fight
that bull
Nothing really does Compare
to…
Barcelona..”
here i am
fighting that bull
and what does it matter?
a city so easy to be in love with
so beautiful
so many beautiful people
pleasant to walk around
sit around
do whatever
i’m happy i will come back and spend another week here.
out in the country side
the mountains
the landscape
everything’s so green
spring here
green
the red dirt
the sharp mountains
and i notice out of my eye
the ocean on the left
yeah
we’re going along the ocean!
so i switch to the left side of the train
and watch the forever liquid diamonds
the train rolls on
we wind up through old towns
i can’t fotograph it all
and i’m tired
moon in last quarter
mercury almost stationary
i should be in bed for a few days
where are we going?
around 16:00
Leo and i go to the dining cart to get some sandwiches; red wine
a boy is in there
with long shaggy hair
a broken arm
full cast, even finger splint
other arm all bruised
his big doey eyes…
back pack made of cheap nylon, bright yellow and gray
he pulls out his wallet
same material
bright blue
he’s wearing a black t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off
and worn jeans
he’s trailer trash
he’s an american youth!
but he’s not..
he’s spanish
he’s looking at me
and i would walk over to that trailer park
Horseshoe Drive
just like i did to see Jason when i was 11
take off our clothes
sit naked under the blanket together
playing Nintendo in his closet
grabbing eachother, fondling eachother, smelling eachother
cuddling in bed
not talking about it
nothing’s happening
here’s that trailer trash kid
honey
what happened to you?
did you crash your bike?
did you get in a fight with your drunk dad again?
run away from home
sitting in the dining cart?
he buys a bottle of some conspicuous red drink
pours it in a glass with ice
sniffs the empty bottle
then puts it in his bag
holding the fabric with his teeth to zip the zipper
what are you going to do?
Leo and i chat
eat our crispy bred sandwiches of egg and potato
variations on ham
then sit back down
watch Spain roll by
i say it
“España”
just to hear it
to mean it
to be it
here i am
going through
we stop in a small town
Castejón
and the train separates
the front half pulls off
leaving for San Sebastian
and France
we two will go on
breaking once again later
our half to Salamanca, the other to Bilbao
i walk around taking pictures of the other passengers
the light of the setting sun
the wires in the sky
the bull-dog businessmen and security guards
who tell me i have to put my camera away
and now the sun is setting
so i get out my computer
and write about what’s happened.
——————————/
standing on the platform at Logroño
a stocky man with a thick dark mustache watches the train
he’s got those crutches that have supports at the elbows
he stands akimbo
breathing heavily
his chest heaving
the sky nearly darkened to black behind him
————————/
we arrived into Burgos a half hour behind schedule
and knew absolutely nothing of the town
so
got our reservations for tomorrow’s train (leave at 12:13)
and asked where the hotels were
[in spanish]
walk out front, take a right, there are many.
so we did
the rain had stopped
but the late spring had regressed back to early spring
up in these mountains
where ever we were
it was cold!
we walked along a boulevard
many cars still out
the bright lights of expensive hotels
— this is a stop along the Camino Real to Compostela
= Tourism.
i get a gut feeling
and suggest we turn down a sleepy street
there are some bars
and lots of nothing
one block
and Leo thinks we may have hit a dead end
i cross the street
and see a Hostal on the next block
so on we walk
.. it looks like it’s in a combination office/residential building
door’s open
but the elevator is too small for both of us to fit with all of our stuff
so i ride up first
and knock on the door labeled “Hostal”
a nice woman answers the door
could be my mother…
she’s someone’s mother
yes
there is one of her kids
— she speaks no english
but welcomes me in
gives me the keys
shows me the room
€33 for both of us for one night.
Alright.
i go back out and let Leo in
he pays; gives her his passport
her children think he is Papa Noel
indeed.
we unload our stuff
and head out into the city to find food
it’s cold
it’s 22hrs
we’re tired
and
under dressed
the city is under construction
where do we go?
i suggest we walk towards the cathedral
figuring there will be some tourist restaurant still open
and i’m right
there’s one
and some pub food.
we walk through the midaevil gate
beautiful
opening into the court yard with the dominating cathedral and palace
cloister?
what is this?
i’m very excited
this place is beautiful…
but we’re hungry
we look at a tourist restaurant
but it’s empty..
though it looks like it’s still open
… Leo wanted to check out another one we saw around the corner walking up
so we walk back around
and it’s actually the same place
odd..
the woman welcome’s us
then ushers us down stairs
through a hall
another room
table strewn with old wine
through another small hallway
a few more stairs
into the empty room we saw from the other side a few minutes ago.
OK.
we order the Meat Tourist Menu
though they advertise that they speak english and german
neither the hostess nor our waiter speaks english
he shows us the menu
and we pretty much pick things arbitrarily
though Leo is pretty sure that “Cordero” is some sort of lamb..
the other option
we got from comparing menus
was actually “baby suckling pig”
— we’ve had enough pork.
so the first course is chorizo and some blood sausage stuffed with rice
interesting.
some wine.
then bread/sausage/egg soup
soft boiled egg, poached in the soup
very good
then the meal comes out
and it looks to me like poultry
turkey?
duck?
hard crispy skin
Leo is sure it’s some sort of lamb
but the meat is white
and it could be turkey..
but has a gamey end-taste
what is Cordero?
is it duck?
look at all the fat?
but it’s strange
i eat
laughing..
What is this?
” it’s good: eat it ”
Leo says
we ask the waiter
but he cannot explain
so he sends out the owner
who
to me
looks Mafioso
slicked back hair
glasses
suit and tie
short and stocky
big smile
patient manner
he explains it’s a regional dish
: baby milk-fed lamb
wow.
the meat is still white coz it’s never eaten anything.
good.
then they finish the meal with fresh cheese.
though the place was empty when we got there
two more tables fill up as we’re eating
.. i guess we were just early
but it makes it annoying
we have that typical american trouble of wanting to leave when we’re done eating
which in europe and Latin countries
just doesn’t happen
… you just sit there a long time chatting
Leo and i are tired
and want to see a bit of the city…
impatient
but we get the bill eventually
pay it
and walk
the cathedral formidable
what is/was this place?
it’s cold
it’s too cold
so we head back along the opposite side of the river
(river running through town, we’re staying on the other side of it.. there are grassy banks along side of it accessible occasionally through the rock walls:
cruising heaven in warm weather… even Spartacus says so… but it’s obvious to our eyes )
along the walk
i notice the one bar listed as gay friendly
and we walk in
a local band has just finished
this place is the hipster hang out
everyone’s wearing horizontal stripes
and a few queers are apparent
the owner?
he’s a small framed guy
with a big belly
men who look like that
wear their bellies like an accessory
it doesn’t blend into their visage
it’s something that sticks out
makes you have to notice their body
their sensuality
like a fucking codpiece…
Leo gets a wine
i get some herbal liquor i’ve never tried before
we sit and drink and talk and watch and listen
but yes
we’re tired
so we walk home
Leo opens the box of wine he bought earlier today
(eesh)
and drinks
i plug all my things in
charge my lap top
ipod
camera
cuddle with Leo for a while
burn one of my bees wax candles that i made in NYC
this place is so homey
we fall asleep sometime after 1.

i woke
wondering if it was 5 am
or 10 am?
bodies
moving
changing shapes
he felt a bit business-like this morning
lots to do
but i must touch him
must massage him a bit
and the sex happens again
more to the point this time
still beautiful
and grateful
so i SMS Leo
and tell him where to meet me:
in front of the Church
take a shower
and have some Tea
it’s been lovely
but i must be gone
see you next time i’m in town?
i walk down to the church
Throngs of tourists
Ugh.
where’s Leo?
whenever i’m on time
the person i’m meeting is late.
so it’s 10:45, he’s 15 minutes late
and i call him
he’s totally turned around
lost
sorry
oops
i’ve been the navigator the entire time we’ve been traveling
so i feel he’s just slid into following me around
i thought it would be nice to have him discover himself through the city to me
but instead
i tell him to wait for me back there
at the Café we ate at yesterday, we decide
and i get back on the Metro
easier this time
i meet him
sit and have an omelette sandwich with him
a cup of tea
then back to the room
toilet
unloading the new phone stuff from my pocket
taking my jacket off
so strange
to go from wearing the big down coat under the orange rain jacket
with long underwear
and three shirts
dropped the Long Johns in Italy
the three shirts and the down coat on the ferry
and now i’m wearing just one shirt, my safari jacket
i wear the orange rain jacket out
but it’s too beautiful
and i forgot my camera
Leo waits for me
as i go back
and leave the jacket behind
when i meet Leo he tells me Bush has decided to shirk his responsibility for the War in Iraq
saying it will go on til the presidency is out of his hands
and the next president will have to clean it up
Great
how American
we head off down Casanova
following the map through the streets
til the grid dissolves and we’re in the midaevil part of the city
the old walled city..
we spend a few hours walking around
get to go up on the roof of the Old Cathedral
but i was feeling kinda tired
kinda ill even
and Leo’s feet were hurting
so after a few hours
we got on a Metro
that happened to drop us off one block from that Sauna
and went in again
i just needed some healing time
but a million beautiful spanish Daddies… what could i do?
the men are very appealing to my eye here… in Spain, not just the sauna
i see so many beautiful faces
longish hair
longish beards
the eyes
the skin
thick, stocky men
wow, what will bear week be like here?
beautiful..
but in the sauna today
i feel like i just need to rest
but i’m snatched up immediately
a very furry guy
but he just really wants me to fuck him
and it freaks me out
shows up my weakness
my danger
i’m scared
i’m very sad
he’s driven
driven
ugh
i finish him off
and have an interesting connective burst with him
then shower
and there’s another beautiful face
another beautiful man
and he takes me to a room
and it’s the same
he’s beautiful
but so insecure about his dick
he won’t let me touch it
it’s little, yes
but every time i reach for it
he covers it
shields it with his hand
it doesn’t get hard
and it’s tiny
and he just wants me to fuck him
and has no condom
i’m scared
and i’m so sad
and i’m so sad.
i don’t want to know this
i don’t want to remember this
i just want to heal people
heal myself
heal the world
am i broken?
are my tools shattered?
am i all wrong?
what am i to do?
he lays
staring into my eyes
desperate love
and speaks no english
i speak more spanish than he speaks english
oy.
we go up to the bar for some water
he drinks Coke
and Leo is seconds behind
with a bear-boy
a type i have identified as the cub-equivalent of the party girl
who has the bear tattoos, you know
the nipple rings
the perfect facial hair
those doey eyes
and are just focused on collecting the hot men
and making money
— this guy loves Las Vegas and LA
and talks about pyramid schemes he uses to make money
and the bear organizations he sets up parties for
ugh
i’m sad
i’m disconnected
superdisconnected
i leave the beautiful man i can’t communicate with
and go looking for more
but it’s sad
all of a sudden
all the beauty is sad
i am a pariah or something
a secret pariah
what am i to do?
i go to the sauna
and there’s sex everywhere
a beautiful black boy wants me to suck his dick
and a heavy big bellied furry daddy wants me to suck his dick
and a tall fit thick-dicked older daddy wants me to suck his dick
and he takes me to a cabin
and jacks off while holding me
grinding his teeth
that awful sound
(bang bang)
the grinding of teeth!
my jaw, my teeth hurt just now thinking of it!
he cums
i cum
what am i doing?
i go to the sauna
and try to sweat it out
but i’m too tired
it’s too hot
the sauna behind the sauna
ignoring the men wanting sex
i go shower
Leo comes and asks if i’ll sit in the hot tub with him
but i don’t want to smell like that
he wants to sit a while longer
good for his legs
i go back to the sauna
the beautiful black boy comes in
and kisses my chest
i tell him i need to focus on yoga
but he can watch
so he does
he sits and admires
while i do
plow
bridge
down/up dog
cobra
bow
down/up dog
camel
child
and then back to the cold shower
Leo and i check out
walk down the street
i stop in an grocery and buy two bottles of water
one is almost gone by the time we get back to the hostal
but there is a bar the bear-boy had told Leo about
so i send Leo to that bar
and drop off the stuff at the Hostal
then go back to the bar
… thinking it is going to be a quiet “bear night happyhour” at a bar
i walk through the door
and it’s PACKED
SHIT
beautiful men everywhere!
oh no!
i rush into the crowd
looking for a gap to buy a beer
— they had great dark beers at the sauna
some kid says
“it’s Jesus!”
and i make eye contact with him
and he’s terrified when he sees the look in my eyes
“i’m so sorry! i didn’t mean that to be an insult, i didn’t mean to be mean, i’m so sorry. you’re beautiful. you have a very interesting look. please do not be insulted… i just don’t ever seem someone like you”
i accept his apology and tell him no hard feelings, i just get it all the time
where’s Leo?
i get a beer
of course
this is a gay bar
they only have Schwill.
fine
look at all these beautiful men!
the hottest, roundest, furriest, daddiest, bearist guys are talking to women
of course
where’s Leo?
i walk back to the front of the bar
he’s there
right by the door
we missed eachother
he’s with the bear boy
so we’re talking
when we were leaving the sauna
i SMS’d a guy i’d met on bear411 (i think) three years ago
a cute bear from ecuador
i emailed him a month before i left NYC
and he gave me his number
so i messaged him
told him i’d be here for a drink
he said he’d meet me
and he walks right in as soon as i’m up front
Hello!
he talks with his friends
shortly
we go upstairs in the back
where it’s quiet
and talk
he wants to travel and be free like me
what do you say?
you have to give up comforts
he has, he says
you have to believe in yourself
but more so
you have to believe that there is someone who loves you that is helping you
i say
my life is a story
and it has to be interesting
and though i am the writer
i am also the character
so
as the character
i have to be blind to things
to be surprised
to keep the story interesting for myself
and the other readers
so i can play the part
sincerely
as the writer
i am infinitely powerful and knowledgeable
but i don’t know that
i have to trust it
i tell him i made the decision when i was about 18
that i hated money
and didn’t want to pay for my life with Money
i wanted to pay for my life with my life
meaning
that most people spend an inordinate amount of time doing things they wouldn’t do otherwise, but they get paid
time of your life = money
then they take the money and try to make their lives more interesting with it
i cut out that whole middle step
and went to make my life interesting by paying with my life
only recently have i been able to include money in my life in a positive way
even that has the same pitfalls everyone else has with money
just not as deep.
(really? __)
so Leo comes up
the bear-boy having left
and i leave the two to talk
as that boy who called me Jesus
then gave me a free drink ticked when i walked back past him coming up stairs
he said he was leaving and wanted me to have it
free vodka
but it was a cooler, you know
the guy was out of smirnoff
so gave me a bicardi breezer
hmmm
R. decides to have dinner with us
and takes us not to an expensive restaurant
but a spanish place where all the bears eat
good food
lots of food
pretty cheap
i eat eggplant covered with strange meat blend
and rabbit!
Leo eats muscles and lamb
lovely
a beautiful tall guy sits alone at a table behind us
Leo says he was attracted to him immediately when he saw him in the bar
they were flirting with eachother
we were out of wine
i told Leo to go sit with him
he was sitting alone!
and had a whole bottle of wine he’d love to share..
the guy turns around and looks at me
“and,” i say ” he understands english well, so you won’t have trouble communicating with him!”
i’m very giddy
from the sauna and beer and drink
but Leo is shy
in situations like that, i guess
he goes to the toilet upstairs
then comes back down
to talk to the handsome tall man…
but comes back to our table quickly
why?
the guy is deaf.
oh
ok.
hmmm
psychic
like any other deaf guy i’ve meet
they can’t afford the luxury of ignoring their feelings like us talkie folk can
dinner’s done
we head out to the After Dinner Bear Bar
which is three doors down from our Hostal
i spend the next hour or so continuing the Lecture of Traveling for my friend R
it feels good to be able to give some instruction on something i know well
and i hope what i tell him is useful
but at this point
i’ve drank too much
and don’t remember the details
the bar is pretty empty
but it fills up slightly
interesting folk
i drink a fernet
order a jack daniel’s for Leo
the guy puts a huge ice cube in there (just one, as Leo likes it)
and pours easily three or four shots in there
wow
before the night is over
Leo has drank three or four of those
cuddled with the beautiful deaf guy
but chose not to go home with him
while i talked with an american from near san diego
who identified me as Californian
and told me he couldn’t be bothered to speak spanish
doesn’t even speak english well
attractive to me
in that
“ah, back home” kinda way
but
would i like this guy as a friend?
he introduces me to a Croatian friend of his who’s a writer
handsome fellow
who writes down a few croatian authors i could read
he tells me he’s not a writer
just a journalist
has no book in him
what he would like to write
he couldn’t
so he won’t waste his time writing a book that doesn’t need to be written
we get into a discussion about this
and i’m smoking cigarettes with him
and drinking another Fernet
but by the time Leo’s friend leaves
and Leo’s over by us
he starts dominating the conversation
and i notice i am expired
so i stand up
and say good night
leaving no room for discussion
i walk out the door
over to the hostal
unlock the door
take the lift up two floors
into our room
grab my computer
start to down load email
post things
look up train schedules
think of calling my family
and the battery dies
Leo gets back
we
collapse
into bed
somewhere after 2…

so the driver woke up around 6 something
climbed down his ladder
maybe i was waiting for this all night
i propped myself up to watch his red body moving
into the toilet
debating should i go in there with him
listening to the sounds
but i didn’t
and he went back to bed
and i lay there a while
then looked at the clock
and decided i might catch the sunrise
oh
but we’ve been heading west
hmmm
by the time i got outside
quarter to seven
the sun had risen
not that i could see the sun
the heavy clouds
i stared out at the endless water
the ripples left by the boat
yeah
alright.
i went back to bed.
——————-/
Leo got up 9 something
turning on all the lights
sometimes
so graceless
everyone turning over in their beds
he took a shower
left the room
leaving his light on
….
i wrestled myself back to sleep
eventually
horny again for the driver
i worked myself…
but Leo came back in
we talked a little in whispered tones
he went off to read
i did some energy play
feeling the fat man’s body
using that sensation to get myself to an ideal
feeling my body flesh out
fill up
then locked my bhandas
and rode the waves…
fine
enough
got up
took a shower
noticed the driver rubbing his belly, pale belly showing through red flanel…
put on my clothes
grabbed my camera, now charged
… took a picture of his hand in the InfraRed
and headed out on to the ship…
found a quiet not-too-windy table on the deck where i could still see the water
and began to write
while listening to Belly’s “White Belly”
——-/
and now it’s 13:27
and i’ve finally caught up with all the journaling i want to do
i slacked off a lot in prague
but now i’ve written it all
and finally finished all the Peru trip as well
( i had a day left, day 5, in my hand-written journal that i’d not typed in yet )
all done
and we should be arriving in Barcelona in about an hour
so i’m going to go walk around
and watch the land come to greet us
—————————-/
it was beautiful
coming into Port
and then?
we lugged our bags
through the beautiful sunshine
sweating
wondering where to go
Leo fingured he needed to look at a map
i was feeling like just walking and finding an internet spot and researching on the internet:
the place we thought we’d be staying
(an internet contact Leo had made through scatboi)
had fallen through
we paused
we looked through maps
we walked
we stopped at a pay phone
we got strange messages in catalan we couldn’t understand
we walked
into the Easy Internet cafe
and found places
places
we called a number from his 2003 spartacus guide
it was €46 a night
Ok
but it had moved location
we booked
and walked
just as it started to rain
all taxis full
but it was a gentle rain
where’s the snow?
i led the way
i am the navigator
heart of the gay district
on Casanova street, ya know
beautiful
the endlessly beautiful buildings
we checked in
some room on a floor in a building that other normal people were living in
yeah
right in
resting a moment
finding an internet signal
then going out
for a pastry
some tea, coffee for Leo
a little café
the two women working the shop
Leo said
” looks like they eat all the left overs ”
their accent… what is that?
the words they’re using?
i don’t recognize the spanish..
Catalan, eh?
brick walls, vaulted ceiling
simple.
nice
we walk around
a walk around
got a Movistar mobile number
called DadBCN, a guy i’d met on line
Marc
i offered that we all meet up for a conversation and dinner
he made it clear he would rather meet me alone
so i SMS’d him and told him we’d be having dinner first
“oh, ok, so around 22hrs?”
yeah
Leo and i went to find the Sauna Bruch
a longer walk than we suspected
but on the intersecting street as our Hostal
so not complicated
we got there a little after 7
and most everyone was leaving
but as i was taking my clothes off
a surly 60 something guy pursed his lips at me and grabbed his crotch
as he was getting dressed
i nodded
and he undid his dressing
and led me to a little cabin
on the way
another guy gave me the eye
this old man
he play one
didn’t take long before he was done
with a knick-knack puddy-wack
out the door he went
and the other man
is soon equally spent
two in a row, eh?
well…
i walk back to the lockers
and an incredibly cute round man
round eyes
he greets me with his face
i walk up to say hello
i think he calls me Marco
i try to tell him my name is Dominic
he says What?
i say
Domenico
we have a staggered long conversation
he asked me how i knew his name
his name
which is my name
the same name
well well
he was just leaving
but says he’ll make a call
and meet me down stairs
i take a shower
walk around
check the place out
simple
nice
all old men
hot.
Domenico meets me
takes me to a room
and we spend an hour … talking
cuddling
playing
pleasing eachother
but it’s late
he’s gotta get going
i stop my pursuits
pretty pleased
and knowing i’ll be meeting Marc later
i head to the sauna to stretch out my tired body
empty
i lay down
tepid
hmmm
the old man working the desk comes in
obviously cleaning the place
Leo saw me on the way here and told me we were the only two people left in here
nearly
the old man opens a door i didn’t notice
it’s a sauna behind the sauna
and that sauna is actually hot
so i move back there
very well
good sweat
good yoga
i pour cold water from the hose on myself
the old man scolds me
and shows me the shower in the corner is the Fria
ok ok
i’m ready
Leo and i get ready to go
and we decide he will eat alone
and i will just figure out how to get to Marc
i walk up the Passiege de Graciá and notice a Gaudí house right there
wow
such strange waves
very fairy tale
here in the night…
i buy a sandwich at a place called Pans & company
though i’m very thirsty
i don’t see a place to buy water
and i’m hungry too
try anything, right?
it’s like a spanish SUBWAY
ugh
mistake mistake
if i saw a homeless guy outside i would have just given it to him
but i was hungry
so i ate it
and went down into the Metro
hmmm
how do i get to Marc?
he’s at the Sacrada Famila
(the big Gaudí church)
i look at the maps
ok
simple
L2
but L2 is a walk
about 15 minutes up and down stairs
platforms
turns
tunnels
Argh!
but i get there
very nice system
the LED signs count down the time til the next train
it takes no time at all to get to him
though i thought it was far away
it was only three stops
the church is amazing
Gaudí, eh?
i walk around til i find his street
and walk up it til i find his number
and push his button
and climb his stairs
and he opens the door for me
and i am a lucky man
he’s standing in turquoise sweat pants and shirt
not the sexiest clothing
but his face
bald pate
thick dark eye brows
bushy thick grey beard with nice colouring
deep dark eyes
wide nose
and a smile
it’s pretty simple
i take my jacket off
walk back to his room
small flat anyway
sit on his bed
he gets me some water
i take my shoes off
and
worship him
it’s the rubbing of the skin
removing clothes
on my knees
pressing my face to his belly
thick legs
muscular body
wide chest
nice fur
skin scaring all along his right leg from a motocycle crash
smooth and shiny
and spots on his back
most of the next few hours in non-verbal
it’s him being a Dad and me being a Boy
whatever that entails
it is a dynamic
and we are a good match
there is no talk of me having to leave
and yes
he invites me to spend the night
(as Leo had suspected)
so i sms Leo, letting him know
and cuddle up with Marc to talk about the USA
and Spain
and how Barcelona is one of the great cities of the world
and how even the European union is going to collapse financially pretty soon… but not as quickly as America
and how hard it is to have a lover
to be a lover
there is a passion between us
and he is a joy to look at and touch
but i feel his heart is closed
i feel my heart is closed
and so we are together for the night
enjoying the sex
and feeling the idea of feeling
the idea of feeling
the desire for feeling
he turns off the soft salt lamp in his room
and
we sleep well.

silly me
i didn’t go to sleep til 2 last night
started playing with the iPod
putting more of the music i wanted on it
but i had to drain the battery first
so i played the videos of me and my italian friend.. and my friend in WV
… i came twice
eventually
got to sleep
woke up around 8 something
my inner thighs so sore..
spring is coming!
i’ve been preparing for it
inadvertently
all this yoga in the saunas
that’s the part of the saunas that’s been really good for me
but damn
when i start doing yoga and haven’t for a while
it makes me So sore…
so my inner thighs hurt
i lay in bed
belly to the mattress
opening my thighs as wide as a can
feeling the stretch
Leo and i talk a bit
shower
head down for breakfast..
compared to the german breakfast we had yesterday in Munich
i’m severely dissapointed
well yes, this hotel is one of those soulless hotels
it’s a gaudy sham
but also
in italy
there is no whole wheat bread..
that’d be poor, right?
ugh
so it’s all this white bread
and sweet stuff
i have yogurt and granola
i have two prunes
a bite of cheese cake, which is way too sweet
some eggs of unnatural orange colour
and some meats and cheeses
— italy and their hard cheeses
s’ok.
i don’t eat much
i go back to the room while Leo’s still eating and drinking coffee
lay on the bed a moment
then start packing
when Leo gets back
i decide to take my computer out to that hot spot i found last night just a block away
send/recieve email
and post my journal entries
it’s a beautiful day
sunny
and in contrast to last night
this corner is bustling
there’s people everywhere
so i’m crouched on the sidewalk trying to get all the data moved
no one hassles me
and people stare at me all the time anyway
i go to head back to the hotel
and notice banks..
strange about these banks..
they’ve all got double doors
you can go through one
then it locks before you’re allowed to go through the other
some sort of crime prevention
but it matters naught:
they won’t change money there
so back to the hotel
we check out
and leave our luggage
head out into the city.
i walked around Bologna a few times back in 2002
— it’s a beautiful city
i fell in love with the statue of Neptune in the main square
.. i remember fantasizing about him and doing masturbation rituals with him
ah, Neptune, my ideal lover
endlessly old
strong as the ocean
infinitely huge
that thick grey beard
and eyes like Nayland’s
eyes to drown in…
we walk through the old gallery streets
everything ancient and gorgeous
everything dilapidated
everything beautiful
beautiful.
we go in some churches, of course
and it’s hard to take pictures of things
everything so close..
find a gellateria
but it’s not amazing like that one Niccola took me to those years ago
where is that one?
this one’s OK
some lemon, some chocolate
OK
not amazing.
we go by the huge palace
we go to the main square
my heart bursts to see Neptune
and i take 15 minutes taking a million pictures of him
too bad
high-noon, full sun
i won’t be able to get his softness in his strength
too much contrast
not the magic hour
Leo waiting on me
jealous of my love for this old deity…
we walk around the old cathedral, which is closed for reservation
we walk through old squares
heading back to the station
both of us tired
approaching the old city tower
huge
looming over everything..
how does anything in Italy survive?
how come it all looks like it’s on the brink of crumbling?
we sit and have a slice of pizza
well, i do
about € … but excellent
black currant juice
yeah
simple
back to the hotel
to the train station
i gotta pee
you gotta pay here
but as i go to pay
a guy leaving holds the gate for me so i can go in for free
the WC manager is angry about that
so i go back out and pay
fine
get to the train
get on the train
my seat is stacked with luggage
i remove it
and build a wall with it
nesting into my corner
no plugs here..
oh, one behind my seat!
but it’s broken.
fine
ride.
battery on the camera is nearly dead
battery on the computer is nearly dead
but hey
the iPod is charged
be arriving in Rome in about a half hour
then another 30 minute lay over
then 45 minutes to Civitavecchia
with about an hour before our Ferry leaves for Barcelona.
today is a hazy day
as we were leaving Bologna
the clear sunny sky closed
and it’s got heavier as we’ve ridden down
haze
so i’m seeing some of the suburbs
the old houses
the farm houses
fields
hills
but it doesn’t compare to the Alps..
if i lived in europe
i would live near the Alps
Switzerland… Southern Germany.. hey, maybe Austria
great place to visit other places from
here we are
heading down
—————————/
the ride out to Civitavecchia was alright
but we were both very tired
Leo would point out things to me
ruins
St. Paul’s… or was it Peter’s?
my eyes sleepy
worn out
washed out
i listened to music and let the scenery roll by
we were late
but of course the train-ticket-controller didn’t know how long, pointed at our ticket time
when would we arrive?
we got up at the right time
stood in the gang for 15 minutes
as the ocean came into view
and rolled by.
at the station
we saw nothing clear about getting to the Ferry
so we asked a Taxi driver
: 3Kms. €.
Ok.
his son was… developmentally different than “normal”?
very excited we spoke english
he asked us a few times
but didn’t speak it.
the short ride to the port
as we drove through the docks
a beautiful neptune face i would have liked to have capture
and the million sailors
oh, i was panting
simple enough
checked in
found our boat
walking through the cargo trucks
not-user-friendly
obviously more of its money is on the shipping end…
but the boat was like a fucking cruise ship
huge
fancy
silly
it was filled with about 800 20-somethings
kinda scary
chubby guy sitting at a casio near the bar
playing video-game approximations of popular tunes
occasionally barking a few words to the lyrics in his microphone
trip
had some beer
watched the men
wondered how i could be a lot lizard with these truckers?
the “driver’s club”, a special room for them to hang out in…
walking back near the door
everything smelled like gasoline
but they just sat in there
some alone
some together
some talking
some just staring off
Leo and i had dinner
battling through the mercury retrograde fog
laughing through it better this time
then
hey
off to bed, i guess
but i wasn’t really ready for slep
though so tired
and after 22:00
i sat and played with the computer
the room we were staying in
oh yeah
it’s a 4 bed cabin
two beds a few feet off the floor
singles
the other two
folded into the walls
when we first got there
we were the only ones
wondered if we’d be the whole ride
but later
we saw someone else’s bag
this last time we walked back in
there was a man in bed
in big red pajamas
his big dark trucker’s hands
he asked us if we were drivers
his cute chubby italian face
marriage band
dark curly hair
big big red pajamas
oh
so i lay underneath him
and came
that was nice
then worked on my web page a while
and figured
around 23:30
that i should have one more spin around the ship
the cheesy loung had turned into a dance party
of course
the driver’s club had turned into an office for some corporate convention geeks
the casino was still busy
well
alright
back to bed
kiss Leo
who was having trouble sleeping, i guess
lay in bed
the whole ship humming
swaying slightly
surfing over the fishes
sleeping
i’ve always wanted to be a sailor…
this will be the longest time i’ve ever spent on a boat:
20 hours.

I wish i could take pictures of everything
but these windows are too dirty…
the endless fields of Snow..
these are only interesting passing them on a train
living among them can be oppressive
as Uli, the man in the sauna last night told me
“it’s the end of winter, the snow is grey: it is not the most beautiful time to be here”
the soul dies
dying
that’s what’s winter’s about
the soul dies
happiness and hope and imagination
all goes to sleep
we’re only a few days away from the Equinox, of course
i know it will all change
but that’s what i am
someone who is transient and knows all is transient
only being able to keep that presence by remaining IT.
he lives here
among the oppressive
beautiful
snow fields
someday they’ll be green..
next time i see them.
i’d take pictures of everything
the man with his son
playing with Legos…
what language are they speaking?
is it russian? polish? italian? wouldn’t i know that?
is it german? some austrian variation? some swiss?
but they are so blond
look much more slavic..
but that jacket, small checks, on the yellow-brown tone
and the way he wears his shirt open
blue
unbuttoned at the top, large lapels coming over the suit-coat
hairy chest undeniably visible
i can’t help but see it
his tired eyes
and how he has patience with his son
while is wife is else where in the train..
he’s not sitting next to me
but across
which is nice to see
— sitting next to him i would listen
to feel the warmth of his body
and that might be too much for him
i wouldn’t have that compulsion with his wife.
but i meant to write about
the sound barriers
out the window
three types
old wooden ones with louvre slats
corrugated steel, painted grey and covered in graffiti
and a newer wood… maybe faux wood? the top of those walls with slanting sheets of solar panels that go on quite a distance
then these forests
snow fields behind them
surrounding them
a contrast
life as a wood-cut.
we are on the train from Munich to Bologna
slept in
took the 11:30 train
which is a round-about train
a much-longer train
we have to wait for 45 minutes in Bolzano
then change trains in Padova
another equal wait
or longer
if we walk around
but we go on schedule
we won’t get into Bologna until eight at night
still
we could get in later
we don’t leave tomorrow until 13:45
which is plenty of time
to get gelato (if they serve it this time of year)
and take pictures of my lover in the square, Neptune
we leave from there to Roma, not really, just to change trains to Cavitaveccia
to catch our Ferry to Barcelona, leaving at 19:00
going all night
arriving at 15:00
kinda pisses me off we’ll be passing through the islands at night
Corseca and Sardigna
but we’ll see what adventures we can have.
—————/
back to the present here
we’re passing over the border into Austria
the snow is drifted two meters high in places
soft white blanket over everything
now a back drop of mountains
blue sky
but the air is hazy
beautiful day
the mountains more of a suggestion
except when they are highlighted by their snowy patches
—————–/
Russian:
i just saw the little girl show her mother something she had written:
in Cyrillic alphabet
———————/
slow going
twisty mountain rails
crystal blue water
Colgate blue
glacier water
gorgeous
the russian family got off in Innsbruck
maybe they were skiing?
some italian lady with a little red-headed boy
he keeps running up and down the hall
squishing his face against the glass
blowing his mouth up, pushing his tongue out
red face, pale skin, bright blue eyes
both Leo and i laughing
Italy
water’s frozen
but the snow on the mountains is nearly gone
everything
is
beautiful
——————-/
italy is so beautiful.
the dramatic cliffs
yeah, like california, sure
but more epic
the mountains open with a gate
what secrets lie in that valley?
the vynyards
the canals
the beautiful buildings
those in use
those forgotten
even beautiful in their dilapidation
like everything in italy
not kept up so much
but the beauty shows well in their age
…
now the west side of the valley is just haze and the mountain there is a sillouette
at 15:43 the east side is brilliantly lit
shadows getting longer
what a show
———————/
our cabin filled up
an old man and woman
then a middle age woman who was on her phone a lot
(who looked over and read what i was writing a few times)
and then a young woman making notes in a book she was studying
i fell into writing
glancing up at the beauty
staring out the window
then writing
remembering days
typing it all out
we got into Padova for the gloaming
and the half hour we waited pretty much brought on night
the train left at the end of twilight
so i’ve been writing for the last hour and a half
on an Inter Regio train now
the local trains
so students and workers and all
people sleeping
tired
chatting
a hubub
my body is tired
leo is tired
we’re a bit burnt out from the travel
and because i didn’t sleep well last night
nor the night before
my body is a bit shot
so we’re getting into Bologna in about 15 minutes
… gotta find a place to spend the night
and then go get something to eat..
though i have been enjoying eating the bread and cheese we bought yesterday in Munich…
so i’m not all that hungry
(one of the cheeses i bought was called Steinkäse… bubbly, covered in a green skin.. mold? when i ate it i felt fluish… hot and tired and sore… very strange. my tongue felt spicy — it was like i was mildly drugged… maybe i was having an allergic reaction? i ate some of my 100% chocolate and it cured me)
———————-/
Leo had this idea that we’d get into barcelona and walk out of the train station and find a cheap hotel
which sounded strange to me
but
OK
he was wrong.
outside of the train station in Bologna
is just very big
very expensive hotels.
so we walked around for a while
avoiding the Hotel Europa
we went down the street to another
but the guy at the desk looked like he was being nice to rabid dogs
and told us to go to the Hotel Astoria
we walked to it
towards it
couldn’t find it
i put down my bags and asked Leo to watch them
while i walked around looking for it
it was past where we walked
and the guy at the desk said “sorry, we are all full”
so much for looking like a homeless person, eh?
i walked back to Leo
and got my lap top out of my bag
opened it and…
found a signal.
yeah
so i started searching on line
enough to know
that any of the hotels in the city centre were going to be about €120 for us
which was the price we got from that other hotel..
so we walked down the back street
and asked Hotel Europa:
got a room for €109
that’s alright
still in ☿ Retrograde
the key-card to the room didn’t work
while waiting for Leo to come back with the desk clerk
i stood really still
in mountain pose
til all the motion-sensitive lights turned off
Leo got back
we got in the room
our WC has a bidet
so i just had to sit and shit and use the bidet
as i love them so very much
fulfilled
we walked out into Bologna
looking for something to feed the hungry Leo
in italy today is father’s day
St Joseph’s day
yeah.
Bologna is famous for it’s covered galleries
all the sidewalks are under arches
it’s beautiful
the ruins everywhere
the beautiful marble work
it’s beautiful
everything in italy…
we walked and walked
Leo so hungry
finding Trattiorias
we chose one called Pietros
had to wait a while to get in
but then the food was so good
i said
‘ beautiful ‘
in the loud room upstairs
waiter like Jim White
look at that
red wine
and
fernet
gnocchi verdi
and lasagna verdi
and little pastas with cheese and ham and asparagus
what’d i have for dinner?
fresh buffalo mozzarella cooked with butter and wild mushrooms
and some herbs
ohmygod
it was so good
food coma
i then had a salad
and that was enough!
Leo and i sat and listened
the waiter asked the germans at the next table what they wanted
a guy very near us said he wanted Café Americano
the waiter said
“Café Americano in Italia?” and shook his head in disapproval
this made me laugh
we were both very tired
it was already after 23:00 when we left the place
and walked home
following my nose
we got back
i used the bidet again
and Leo’s already asleep
as i should be
it’s 0:27
and i should be snoring as well
but a few more minutes
while i wear the battery down, yeah
love and
good night

“you can’t go on
thinking
nothing’s wrong”
terrible.
in Berlin
Leo and i were looking for Internet
we went into the Easy Internet monstrosity
and they were playing the general Hits Background music
it was The Cars “Drive”
which i’ve been hearing a lot lately in NYC
in Better Burger
waiting rooms..
i don’t think i ever paid attention to the song before
but it’s plaguing me
after hearing it in the Easy Internet
i couldn’t get it out of my head
so i downloaded it last night
and listened to it over and over
and over
meanwhile
i’ve been going to a lot of saunas here
twice in berlin
three times in Prague
then last night in Munich
odd
seeing that i went to a sauna ONCE in Peru, Once in NYC, and only one sex party the entire year i was in NYC…
so i’ve not been doing this much
sure
it’s different in europe
i like it better
you can have conversations…
you can also be fucked by drunk turks
if you let yourself
“who’s gonna tell you when
it’s too late?”
the untying of things
it’s startling
the story is unfurling oddly
and part of me is passive
watching it
listening
receiving the experience
another part of me is strategizing to defeat my struggles
the other has faith and doesn’t worry
but i’m still taking a beating over it

so
sleeping
yeah?
but at about 5am
the drunk americans came in from St Patrick’s day
loud
banging around
laughing
ugh
Leo and i imagined witty things to say
but figured it’d all be more trouble than it was worth
within and hour
they had settled down and passed out:
we followed suit.
but unfortunately
our wake up call was at 7:30
as our train left at 9:15…
so Leo had some coffee
and threw all the breakfast food in a bag for the trip
i squeezed my lemon into a glass
then poured it into the water jug
it was fizzy water
so it bubbled up and came out (a bit) onto the table
yeah.
shouldered our burden
out the door
Leo left his suitcase
went back to get it
then
yeah
in the taxi.
he drove us a round-about way to get to the station
not directly through town like the guy who gave us a ride FROM the station
but it was nice
to see parts of the city we’d not seen before
the big theater
the dancing building…
ah. so many beautiful buildings
the river..
and even with the longer route
the rate on the meter was only about 127Kcs
what… $5?
what it should have been.
getting the tickets was a little hassle
the lady sold us first class
when we asked for second
but
communication being poor
we didn’t know that til we were sitting in our second class seat
twice as expensive
still
€20 for the both of us
so we moved to first class
which was hardly better
window glass very dirty
heater on too high
more snow than i’ve seen in a long time…
the train ran along a river most of the way out of the czech republic
lots of bridges with ramps in front of the support columns
i’d never seen that before
to protect from debris, i guess
little dams everywhere
just a few feet
at the base of one
i saw a man in waders
fishing
all the land surrounding the area covered in snow
.. i thought of my dad
so jotted him a quick email about it
— not quick enough to take a picture
the little towns we passed
crumbling beautiful buildings
churches…
we sat
sleepy from the heat
three hours to Furth im Wald
the first city over the german border
a ten-minute window
to use the ticket machine and buy a Bayernticket
a regional ticket that lets you and up to 4 other people travel anywhere in Bavaria
€25
got on the next train
second class
Deutsche Bahn
so much nicer
sat in a cabin with a quite german boy
til i scoped out the scene
and noticed empty cabins two cars away
we walked down there
and rode the next two hours into Munich
tired
tired boys.
beautiful
all the snow
the forests rolling by
towns getting bigger
as we pulled into Munich
both of us spacey
and kinda incommunicado
i figured out the S-Bahn route down town
which the Bayernticket included
so we rode to MarienPlatz
and walked passed all the amazing reconstructed buildings
all the people in the public squares
eyes open
gaping at everything
Leo complaining about me going too fast
me just wanting to stop carrying all this stuff
looking at the map
looking at the street signs
round about
but getting to the Deutche Eiche
a Hotel/Sauna/Restaurant that had been recommended by Jerry and a guy on the internet i had been talking too..
so many handsome mature couples and single men smiled at me on the walk there
in fact
waiting for Leo at one street corner
a man asked me if i needed directions
with a hint of more
but i was too tired to play it
just told him i knew where i was going
we checked in
€105 for a double room
beautiful room
WiFi
and i got to show Leo the Glory of Windows in Southern Germany
i love Southern Germany
i would live here if i could
i will live here some day
somewhere in southern germany..
we put our stuff down
and quickly went back out:
had to get our tickets for tomorrow
Leo saw a vodafone store and wanted to put more money on his phone
paid for it
but then they couldn’t figure out how to top-up his account
him being through Vodafone NL
grrr
they told us to walk to the bigger store up on Marien platz
so we walked up to the Viktualmarkt
huge
i stopped at a german cheese seller
because i’d wanted Cumin Gouda the entire time i’d been here in Europe
and not got it yet
so i asked for a slice of that
then started looking at other cheeses…
ended up buying five types..
€12 of cheese
s’ok..
we stopped and bought some amazing looking bread
Leo bought some sausages
i went into a hair brush store i’d seen walking down
and bought a bristle brush-cleaner..
i remembered my mother had one of those when i was kid
and i’ve never had one…
now i have something to clean my brush with!
up into the main square
it was gorgeous
and right before we went underground
i appealed to Leo that we stay above ground til the sun set
ok..
we started walking around
and all the bells were ringing
from all the churches
17:15
Leo went into one
and i asked him if he’d like to attend mass
as he was seeming really burnt out
and i knew that would help recharge him
he aggreed
so i left him
took pictures of things
walked around
topped up my T-Mobile card
got a bit lost
drank some fresh beet-carrot-apple juice
back to the hotel
drop off the stuff we bought
a bit of data transfer
then back to the church a bit late
mass was still happening
it was just a rosary before
now mass
we left about 18:30
twilight
got on the s-bahn
back to the station
and decided to split the trip in two
so got reservations for tomorrow from Munich to Bologna
leaving at 11:30 so we wouldn’t have to wake up early again
and the next day from Bologna at 13:46 to Civitavecchia: where we’d catch the ferry.
the italian train reservations were €60
fuck
we could have done it cheaper, i’m sure
but the german clerk was an asshole
and Leo had no patience
so he just paid it
ok.
back on the S-bahn
walking back through the squares
now empty
back to the Hotel
i used Skype and called my friend in Augsburg
but there was no way he could see us tonight
so we went down stairs for dinner
i sat in plain view of a gorgeous german guy
“on a date”
Leo said
“dates” give me Hives.
oh, i haven’t mentioned that
for the last week
Leo and i have been playing this game…
a few years ago in conversation with Eli
he was talking about how his sister was reading “a Course in Miracles”
Eli grew up in new-age commune family in Northern California
steeped in that new age crap
he hates it
he said
“A Course in Miracles gives me Hives”
but said it in a very off-handed way
.. it’s always stuck in my head
and i’d told the story to Leo a few times
one of us brought it up a few weeks ago
and we keep playing the game of what gives us hives
Politics
TV
Tourists
McDonald’s
etc..
the whole concept of meeting someone for a “date”
where you’re expectant and comparing them against some ideal
or sizing them up for your life mate or something
eeeeeh.
whenever i’ve met someone and they’ve said the word “date” describing what we’re doing
it always turns me a bit off
so anyway
i’m looking at this cute guy
his “date” gets up to use the toilet
and we make eye contact
he flinches
this is not uncommon
he can only look at me
which he wants to do
if i’m not looking at him
so i have to consciously not look at him when i can feel him looking at me
so he can see me
as he does the same for me
stupid frat boy.
i’m not attracted to foot-ball-player frat-boy kids when they’re young
but for some reason
when they’re in their 40’s and 50’s
they’re hot.
for a minute or two
anyway
we eat
and because i’ve been fasting all day
the food makes me very sleepy
i leave Leo to pay the bill
and go upstairs to lie down.
since Berlin i’ve had The Cars song “Drive” stuck in my head
because of the WiFi here at the hotel
i’ve had my program out trying to download it
… it came in while we were eating
so i put it on
and listen to it over and over
laying in the dark on the bed.
Leo comes in
and lies down
as the song ends
and goes quiet.
he wants more music
so i put some on
Tortoise
“gamera”
when it’s over (13 minutes)
he uses Skype to call a guy he knows here
who’s also not going to meet us
so we head down stairs to the sauna
this sauna is one of the most elaborate i’ve ever been in.
it’s beautiful
well lit
well designed
it goes on forever
mazes and cubby holes and cabins
two saunas
huge steam room with a maze
porn rooms
chill out rooms
wow
in my initial exploration
i see this tall broad beefy shaved head furry german guy
i follow him to a dark area
and we play
it’s that holding/hugging kinda play
some sucking
but mostly manual
with lots of body contact:
we both cum
five minutes after i arrive.
yeah
so i go to check out the rest of the space
get caught up in following men around..
Munich men are much sexier to me than Berlin men.
i LOVE bavarians
always have, that i’ve known… since i met my friend Rudi
one of the hottest guys i’ve ever seen..
but i go to play with this italian guy
compact
but hot
takes me into a cabin-thing in the dark-maze area
the more we play
the more we attract
there are hands grabbing from every angle
it’s really fucking annoying
he cums
and wants to cuddle and hold and chill with me
but it’s like fucking gnats
they won’t stop when i swat them away
so i run!
take a shower
walk around
think about going up stairs
but meet a man on the stairs coming down
and he’s so cute
so we go down to a cabin together
he says he’s just cum
is it alright to cuddle?
Great!
we cuddle and talk
he has one of my favourite names:
Uli.
but yeah
eventually he’s rubbing me and licking me and playing with me all over
that goes on a while
then more cuddling
we fit together nicely
he’s soft.
then i start playing with him
lick him all over
rub my beard on him
and though he’s not hard
he cums
gives me a lecture on how i shouldn’t swallow
yeah
i’m still learning my lessons
more cuddling
then he takes me to meet his lover
who’s named Ilya
the name of a playmate Leo’s had in SF for a few months
and i know Leo would love this guy…
but where’s Leo?
i exchange email addresses with Uli
so i might see him again when i come back
and then i’m off exploring a bit more
steam room
but not in the mood:
i need a drink.
i got distracted chasing a tall furry bellied daddy with a thick dick
but he wasn’t interested in me
another guy who just sat in the porn room watching the smooth dolls fucking
interesting to see a black donkey dick going in that little white boy
his whole face and shoulders red
straining
ok i guess
i went to the bar for a beer
and who was sitting in the lounge?
Leo!
so i sat and talked with him
but the TV was on
and they turned it louder
the german version of “Idol”
“Superstar” or whatever it’s called
UGH
gives me the hives
i had to leave
so on i went
following that same daddy around
into the dark dark room
some guy pulls me away from him
as if to say
“stop wasting your time”
a thin guy
but i could tell he was older
he pushes me down on his dick
and it’s huge
not overly long
maybe 8″
but very very thick.
he grabbed me by the hand
and led me out of there
into another part of the maze
into a cabin
he had me suck his dick a while
but he wanted my ass
i was his
though i hadn’t even seen his face yet
he took a lot of time
patience
worked his way into me
very little spit
i was amazed
and then
he just opened me and rode me
lots of waves
i was trying to feel the whole thing out
use it for healing and focus
he was speaking in a language i couldn’t understand
he had a very deep raspy sultry voice
all i could make out was he was asking for poppers
breaking my concentration
where am i? why am i doing this?
we stop
he’s soft
did he cum?
i don’t think so.
we cuddle a bit
does he have alcohol on his breath?
he gets up to walk out
i follow him
he’s staggering
bumping into walls
oh.
oops.
he’s falling around
keeps asking me if i have poppers
oh…
he takes my hand
to follow him
where are we going?
we’re walking through the halls
he’s…
asking people for poppers
this is a major turn off for me
but at one of his stops
i look through a curtain into a cabin
and see a big guy on top of a little guy
fucking him
is that Leo?
that big butt and back
that could be leo
and look at those feet..
big ogre feet..
that could be Leo..
but the guy pulls me away
pulling me along
why am i going with him?
at this point i’m just kinda annoyed
i see his face in better light
he’s got very sloped shoulders
trim muscular body
probably in is mid 40s
turkish?
big crooked nose
he’s drunk… or something
he takes me back into the maze
no poppers
back into a cabin
wants to fuck me again
i suck his dick a while
wants to fuck me again
and i let him
reticently
i hear Jonathan’s voice
“if you don’t want it, don’t let anyone in there!”
and there are hands grabbing from all sides
i pull him out
and i run
run through the halls
run back to that cabin with the curtain…
look in
is that Leo?
it’s not
it’s a big fat german guy fucking a little guy on his back
he pulls the curtain closed to shut me out
then yanks it back
and smiles at me
we look at eachother while he’s fucking the boy
he beckons me in
i walk in and pull the curtain closed
he puts his arm around me
rubs my butt
rubs my belly
strokes my cock and balls
fucking the boy
fucking him
touching me
pulling me to him
fucking the boy
this is strange
this has never happened before to me
but ok
then the turk appears
he’s behind me
he’s asking this guy for poppers
i push him out of the cabin
he’s gone a minute
he comes back
i tell him no no no no
eventually
he goes
and i lay down on the bed underneath the fat man
as he fucks the boy
put his balls in my mouth
he likes this for a while
then pulls me out
puts his arm around me again
holds me
while he makes the boy cum
then it’s only minutes
before he’s changing condoms and fucking me
but i think the lemon water is coming out of my ass at this point
he flips me on my back
and fucks me for a while
my ass is so sore
and he stops pretty quickly.
smiles at me
we all rest a bit
then i leave him
go spent 20 minutes in the WC letting my intestines purge and relax
then go to the sauna and corpse
and stretch
sweat
take a cold rinse
and there’s the fat boy again
he goes into the steam room
i follow him
he turns and sees me
smiles
takes me in a cranny
and we’re at it
playing
holding jacking
sucking
rubbing against eachother
holding eachother
we both cum
and shower
and sit and talk
exchange email addresses
for next time
then i go back into the sauna
and sweat
and stretch
and do my best
to pull myself back together
what the fuck time is it?
i check out
go up to the room
it’s 2 am.
but i have time
to take my electrolytes
to take my homeopathics
to take my oregano oil
to take my psyllium husk
to empty my bowels again
to drink a lot of water
cool cool water
my body is cold
i’m losing at solitaire
i start to shiver
i get in bed
and Leo pulls me to him
so warm
we cuddle
we sleep like that
warmth

it’s not about looking for them in the papers
to see what’s become of their lives
i don’t suspect to see them on the internet or TV
that could be a symptom
but it wouldn’t be what i’m looking for
i want to peel back the veil
pull back the curtain
stick my head through
and see what they’ve become
are they grand wizards in the world behind the world?
shaky bodies here in this world
shaky.
following music
artists
movies
like Eli, the Human
is that a waste of time
what do Nayland’s eyes see?
what do Robert’s eyes see?
when i sit back and feel my body surge into the fullness of reality
could i reach out my hand and pull back the curtain?
how can i get there?
i’m here
where am i?
in those ghostly LSD days
did those faces of “trevis” and “sheridan” continue on?
have they left those bodies?
i saw a boy in the sauna last night
he said
“you’re familiar… we’ve met before”
i thought for a minute
and saw he was the same guy as Michael i met in Switzerland.. where was that? Zurich or Bern?
he was the same
beautiful heart
strong energetic body
some connection to me
but how?
i don’t want to spend time with him
who am i?
i?
i know that there are many layers to realities
and to think that my brother and syster are living on
excelling in the world i’ve forgotten
or lost touch with
while i am meandering around in this virtual physical world that i know is transient
and more affected by that other world than even this one
backstage
that painted curtain in the church…
perhaps i am living in both
— i would like that
but to be more adept
to be more adept…

so we woke at 8 or something
something stupid
today we were gonna get out there and see some things
the St Vitus cathedral, pay the admission and see the tower and the crypt and the apse or whatever
see the palace
maybe st. agnes…
st. george..
but
rushed
i shoved food in my mouth
all the ham
Leo only ate cheese and bread
Friday of Lent, you know
oh…
i just felt
ill
and i didn’t really want to leave the room
didn’t really want to do anything
so we’re walking through the city
and it’s beautiful
but there’s about twice as many tourists today
or
they’re bothering me more
— i’m irritable.
walking over the Charles Bridge
Leo says “i don’t want you to feel like you have to come along, if you’d rather stay in the room and write and go to the sauna, you can do that”
i thought about it
he wanted to visit the Infant of Prague again
to thank it for the miracle of the Czech boy he’d got last night
ugh
and to get more gifts for his friends back home..
holy cards…
we got into the church
and it was nice and quiet
i sat next to the statue
while Leo kneeled and prayed
in moments
the church filled up with italian tourists
all chattering
and taking pictures
with flashes
(though a sign outside implicitly forbid photos)
irritated
i went off to walk around elsewhere
a brother talking to some tourists in spanish
i got some holy cards
came back into the main church
and took some pictures
walking around
waiting for Leo to be done
he was
and we said goodbye…
the main reason i wanted to go back up to the cathedral was to climb the tower and see the “best view of the city”
but it was snowing
the day was hazy
and i felt lazy:
i headed back…
but didn’t go over the bridge right away
i walked along the quay
watching the river
taking some pictures
the old bridge
the buildings
pretty amazing..
then back up the bridge
and over
and through the streets
capturing some more faces
a perfect gnome
to the hotel
where i sat
and wrote a bit
but not journaling
just writing about wonderings and imaginings
then decided to go through all the prague pictures and edit all the figures i captured
the statues
the men
yes
then
at about 14:45
i headed out to the sauna
wondering what married men i might find
well
yes
right away
a hot daddy type
but of course
he wasn’t interested in me
i sat in the sauna
and a boring ned-flanders kinda guy sat next to me
raising his eye brows in that suggestive way completely lacking subtlety
grabbed my dick
well
ok
i went down stairs with him
another guy i couldn’t do much too
too excited
but didn’t want to cum
ugh
just about ready to leave him
he decided to give up the seeds
ah… alright
i held mine in
back up stairs
i sat in the jacuzzi a bit
then the steam room
a big hairy czech man took me in his arms
lay me down on the tile benches
and cuddled, fondled, touched me all over
lots of hugging, connecting
but no orgasm
lots of playing
but he didn’t want to go down stairs with me
ok
i saunaed a while
i went downstairs
watched that hot daddy who didn’t like me
watched him jacking off in the porn room
some italian came in
and … asked me … to follow him
in the cabin
he was on me 1000mph
so fucking hungry
i just lay back and let him batter him self against me
no not really
but there was little space for me to do anything
— it was obvious he wanted to fuck me
but had no patience
moving too fast
just pushing his cock against my ass, never near getting inside
i came
he came
s’ok
in the stillness afterwards
no eye contact
alright
more sauna
just sweat it out
i don’t really need to be here
simple enough
some yoga
a shower
sitting in the jacuzzi room
talking to Mirek
that nice old tall big furry czech
still wouldn’t go downstairs with me
but friendly
sweet man
nice conversation
i see some stocky pit-bull looking guy go into the steam room
but i’m done
i’m not following him
i imagine what he’s doing in there
many people go in and out
but i don’t see him leave
after a while
i’m curious
so i go in
someone grabs me and pulls me to the back
not into sex
but he holds me
rests his head against my belly
lays me down
cradles me
calls me “little boy”
what is this?
he takes me by the hand
and takes me down stairs
a nice czech daddy
down stairs
he chooses a cabin with no lock
oops
so moves to one with a lock
and we start playing
it’s a fun interaction
he’s leading me to do things to please him
then doing things to please me
back and forth
hot
fun
playful
connecting
but then
someone’s pushing at the door
and he let’s them in
— suggests i suck their dick
so we’re three waying
in many ways
then that guy leaves
and another comes in
and the daddy is close to cuming
but doesn’t want to
that other guy leaves
and the daddy tells me to stop
takes me by the hand
out of there
we walk around a bit
takes me into another cabin
we play again til he’s close
stops
this happens twice
ok
he needs a break
so he goes up to get a drink
and though he’s hot
really
i’ve had enough
what am i doing here?
i have other things to do.
i go and sauna
yes
thank you
shake it out
shower
cold
chill
rest a moment
yes
dress
leave
17:30
back to the hotel
i remember there are things i wanted to do
i go out to find a farmacy
not hard to find
i ask them for Psyllium husk
we have to do some miming and re-prounciations
but he has it
cheap
i walk across the street to the Tesco
— i’ve never been in a Tesco… i’ve only ever seen them in the CD booklets of Throbbing Gristle.
it’s a fucking madhouse
i walk around and check out the czech food
but i just want water for the trip tomorrow
and a lemon:
tomorrow i’m fasting.
still
i have to wait in line 20 minutes to buy them
but
no problem
back at the hotel around 6
Leo is there
we talk
tell eachother our day
then go out to find something to eat
it’s kinda frustrating
to walk by places
yes/no
ok?
eventually
i let Leo choose a place
we’re both starving
this place has a good menu…
isn’t too expensive
but the decor is terrible
“it’s an old person restaurant”
Leo says
“nice, no smoke and it’s not loud”
no
but it’s playing terrible terrible back ground music
what the fuck is that?
lite rock?
smooth jazz?
i’m choking on it
and there is a loud New York Jewish lady bitching at her husband across the room
i want to vomit
(yeah)
Leo asks me why i can’t ignore things
i don’t know
but i never have been able to
.. i think that’s part of my super ability
i can’t sit and listen to shitty background music
… i explain to him Thom Yorke’s theory on how most music is just Fridge Buzz
and Leo says “yeah, you just ignore it… that’s why they call it ‘background music’ ”
but i’ve never been able to ignore Fridge Buzz
many places i’ve stayed on my own
i unplug the mother fucker so i can sleep.
[wow, my mac didn’t have “fucker” in its dictionary… i told it to Learn the Spelling]
the lyric from “Planet Xerox” echoes through my head
“why can’t you forget it?”
still
the food is good
i eat some Wild Boar with Rose Hip sauce
nice
but am jumpy to get the fuck out of that terrible death-trap of a restaurant as quick as possible.
we stop by the hotel so i can pick up my computer
and head to the internet cafe down the street
we rent one of their computers to print our ticket for the Ferry
and Leo does his email
i sit at mine
trying to make all my contacts
post journal entries…
figure out train times for tomorrow..
the place closes at 22:00
so i don’t have much time
i walk up stairs
and Leo’s just finished his apple strudel
still drinking his wine..
we got locked into the courtyard area the cafe was in..
hmm
but eventually find our way out
back to the hotel
we pack
while i put on some music on my computer
we’re both thankful for some good music in the room
while we pack pack
and our neighbors come in
a bunch of loud kids staying next door
oh no!
but they’re just there a moment
it’s St Patrick’s day
they’re going back out for festivities…
we’re packed
and get to sleep shortly after midnight.

so i walked out of the internet cafe
which was right around the corner from the sauna
and went in
shortly before 22:00
i got there
looked around a bit
but pretty much went directly into the steam room
then went down stairs
no one really interesting in the cabins
but i saw a horny old guy in the porn room that looked kinda nice
still
i walked away
looking, too early here to pursue anything…
but that old guy walked past me
… we looked at eachother
smiled
touched
hugged
went to a cabin
and it all started pretty quick
he wanted to fuck me
nice dick
not huge
but quite thick at the base
he tried and tried
but couldn’t stay hard enough
so he pushed me down on my back and went to sit on my dick
.. probably because of all my fears about this and the fact that i haven’t fucked any body raw for months
i freaked out and pushed him off me
cuming pretty instantly
thankfully
not inside him
then he stood up and had me suck him almost until he came
then he jacked himself, but he didn’t really shoot
just filled his foreskin with cum
we hugged
went up stairs
showered
and sat in the jacuzzi
something nice about cuming right away
we cuddled in the water
and another older guy i had seen when i first arrived and was showering
sat down right next to me
and we started cuddling
and a big older chubby furry guy i’d see in the steam room
he was also in the tub
and grabbed my foot
and started massaging it
the old guy i had played with already
he was sweet
but endlessly horny
kept jacking me and trying to stick his fingers up my ass
which i don’t really like anyway
but he had sharp nails
it was annoying
i kept having to grab his hand and pull it away
but over all
it was great
to sit on his lap
lay back against the british guy
caressing eachother
all over
not just genitals
then getting my foot massaged..
eventually
this skinny tattooed 40-something german guy got in
who was really horny for me
kept pushing his foot against my balls
had a bottle of poppers in his hand
kept trying to get me to get out of the tub with him
now i had three guys on me!
i didn’t want to get up
i tried to explain to him that i’d just cum and was chilling out
but he wouldn’t stop
he got closer
with his poppers
grabbing at my dick
fortunately
the old guy i’d played with stepped in
and started fingering his ass in the same unpleasant way
until he left
i probably spent about 45 minutes like that
just luxuriating in sensual relaxation.
then i got out
showered
and went into the sauna
sauna’d for a long time
getting really into yoga
really into sivasana
when i left there
took a long shocking cold shower
then went to sit in the jacuzzi room in the chairs there
just to cool off, come to balance
ready to go..
as i sat there
i came into an almost hallucinatory state
everything flowing
i suddenly came back into a full recall of an acid trip i had when i was 18 with T&S at my parent’s house..
after being awake all night
i walked outside bare chested
and looked at the sky of sunrise
and for the first time
saw the sky as the atmosphere
saw the clouds as part of the system, the skin
and FELT my whole body fully as part of that same system
feeling the weight of my body
the breath
feeling the muscle on me, the fat
how i could have a perfect balance of fat and muscle
enough to keep me a certain warmth, and have a certain amount of excess energy
but just the right amount
feeling the potentiality of everything coming into the perfect balance of the flow of the entirety of the system of the world we live in
i saw a circle that was my being
a complete circle with one opening
the circle being made of all my story, beliefs, thoughts, questions, answers
the gap:
the God-Shaped-Hole
any question
asked enough
leads to a Question Mark
a place where no answer can be uttered
some people fill it with money and drugs and self-satisfaction
some hedonism
others
different spiritualities
i later realized that gap as the key to mortality… and immortality
if either end of the circle were connected to a belief in the infinite
life would flow in and out of that: endlessly
and the system that we have identified as “AIDS” and that nature that is destroying our reality ( like “the nothing” in “the never-ending story” )
was a sealing of that gap with the idea of individuality, Self…
(HA!)
coming into this state of being
i brought it into my present
fully
i was aware of… everything.
i got up to walk around the sauna
amazed at how different my body felt
how heavy my feet were falling on the floor
just seeing everything
smelling things
the dramatic increase in awareness of the different levels of reality..
and this boy had been cruising me the whole time i’d been there
and i’m not really into boys
he was kinda hot
beefy
just not really my thing: shaved face and body
a little too normal
but there i was
showering one last time before leaving
and he starts talking to me in the shower
then places his hand over my heart
and starts moving with my energy
i was amazed!
right here in the showers
just being open to reality calls more beauty…
he told me how he’d lived many places
the company he works for is based in Spain
been in seattle, new york (state)
he appologized
said his energy wasn’t pure
as his uncle had died that day and he’d been drinking
… but no one’s energy is Pure…
he smiled and hugged me
interesting
interesting
we went into the sauna together
sat and talked
he smiled at me and said
“you are familiar: we know eachother”
and i quickly wracked my brains to see if i’d met this kid before..
no no, not him
but a boy
yes
him
in another person
that kid Michael in Switzerland years ago
same thing
‘ yes,’ i said, ‘ but not in this body ‘
he laughed
we kissed
it was all very sweet
staring into eachother’s eyes
he said “let’s go down stairs”
and we went to a cabin
but the sex very quickly got gross
me on my knees sucking his dick
him saying ” yeah bitch, suck my dick. suck my dick Bitch ”
i hate that shit
then he’s turned me around and wants to fuck me
starts
then stops
asks if i’ve got a condom
leaves
goes to find one
goes
goes
leaves the door open
people looking in
me
in the midst of confused horniness
this doesn’t feel good
but now i’m horned up
and now what?
where is he?
what am i doing?
i start to come back to consciousness
and i get up and wrap my towel around myself, walk out the door
… he’s looking in another cabin
and i go to walk past him
he grabs me, pulls me back
takes me back into the cabin
puts me on my knees
and it’s that “suck it bitch” thing again
then he’s putting the condom on
with his cock against my ass
and pushing too hard too fast like the young do
i tell him i can’t do this right now
he says “yes yes” but tries to convince me
and keeps pushing
so i get up to leave
he takes off the condom
“sorry sorry”
and it’s sucking
and “bitch again”
he pushes me on my back
lifts up my legs
and says
“i’m going to fuck you”
and goes to shove it in
no condom now
i throw him off
and kiss his cheek:
‘ good bye ‘
i go up
shower
sauna
rest
stretch
release
shower
rest
and Leave.
oh well.
i still carry my presence with me as i walk the streets back to the hotel
where Leo is mostly asleep
with the lights still on
drinking wine
telling me he’s been “trying” to wait up for me
which means he’s been sleeping un fit..
he tells me about the boy he’s spent the last few hours with
as this was our deal
i went off to see the movie
and he used the room to play with a czech boy
who was just the most beautiful and most wonderful
and mostest bestest
happiest
and boring
what the fuck do i care about someone who’s a banker
with a normal hairy cut and a perfect muscular smooth body
and a LTR with the first guy he ever had sex with?
boring
and i’m angry because he’s enjoying rubbing it in to incite jealousy from me
which is a game we play
but sometimes i’m not in the mood
he says the boy told him about Tantric massage
and how i should give Leo one..
it just falls out of my mouth
i say
‘ that’s entirely a situation of Pearls before Swine…
you’re a pig
you’re into pig sex
and the intricacies of Trantric energy doesn’t interest you
i’ve tried to teach you yoga in the years i’ve known you and i know that’s just not your thing..
it’s like what people say about teaching a pig to sing
: it wastes yr time and annoys the pig ‘
Leo’s quiet a bit
but then tries to convince me he’d like to learn
i’m annoyed
and feel nihilistic
like things never move and change
like i know the answer to this already
and it’s not going anywhere
eventually
i convince him to stop talking
he’s tired
he snores
i lay there a while
… til i fall asleep.

because we were out late last night
it was even harder to wake up this morning
that being said
i had to be awake
something pulled
earlier than lately
at 9
i drank water
went to the WC
drank more water
and came back…
to write.
we ate some breakfast
today being the first day we were called on our shit for not delivering the breakfast tray to the hall table by 11, which is the hotel’s request
fine
i made a sandwich for later
of all the meat
cheese
butter
and the two slices of thick dark bread.
around noon
a guy i had talked with from the internet in NY came by
as fate would have it
he is teaching and studying here
a professor of ancient languages
had a lot of interesting things to say
though i would swear his name should have been Chris
Leo and i were groggy
having not really eaten breakfast
and being slightly hung over
tired
what is this that makes us so tired?
we went for lunch at a typical czech place
had standard beer
goulash with dumplings:
today is the first day i’ve seen bacon dumplings
everything seemed sticky
i put my glasses on so i could look at the czech men
Leo commented a few days ago on how much style people have here
and it’s true
like the turn of the last century in London or something
that grey mustache that cuts into the sideburns
wow
these people…
the conversation quickly turned to how shitty the world is
you know
the politics
the money
the pollution on the planet
the apathy
all that shit we’re sick of hearing
sick of saying
_ made a joke as he left the table ” i’m off to take my prozac ”
we walked around the Jewish Quarter
Leo complaining he didn’t want to walk today
so everything was even more slow
places kafka lived
and yes
though he was czech
he wrote in german
which made sense of my confusion
i’ve realized over the last few days how much my litery tastes were formed by eastern europeans
but i forgot Kafka was Czech… coz i remember him having written in german
he had is reasons
i was told
everything was at an odd angle today
we walked around
and i became fascinated by textures
falling out of attention with both Leo and _
taking pictures of rotting walls
crumbling buildings
and beautiful decorations
i thought of Arthur
and how much he would like all this art deco… and art neuvo
it’s all that chintz, but with so much more class and life
like everything translated into simple consumer items in the US
these idols who gave birth to tsotchies
(i don’t think i spelled it right even now… but i’m at an internet cafe and don’t have my resources)
eventually
we headed back to the old town square
just in time for me to buy some flourite beads
then see the astronomical clock go off at 4
… nothing too impressive
but the crowds…
aside from being paranoid of pick pockets
some girls asked if they could pose with me for a picture
i let them.
we said goodbye to _
and i took my lap top to a local internet cafe (this one, actually)
because they have WiFi
i posted a few things i wrote of the last two days in Berlin
but i haven’t yet wrote the days of prague
but for this one…
because after that
i rushed to find a movie theater
… a few days ago i found a flyer for films in March
and
luckily enough
a film by Jan Švankmajer called
Šílení
(Lunacy)
was playing
with english subtitles
i saw many of Švankmajer shorts and a few features when i was younger
but it’s been years..
an old friend coming back with Mercury
i was transfixed…
like the brothers Quay’s “Institute Benjamantana”
it was a horror film of self consciousness
lost in confusions
people with strong beliefs battering the protagonist
who is mostly just being washed around by the waves of his hopelessness
what was the story saying?
something about the extremes of all our living
… i can’t say i fully understood
i was made to feel uncomfortable (by the De Sade scenes as much as the Animated Meat.. .and the Sanitorium scenes)
which is odd for me
as i usually feel complete comprehension from even the strangest of movies
but this one
i didn’t know exactly what he was saying
something about the body
how we get packaged and controlled
beaten down and destroyed
losing ourselves
and being turned into pieces of animated meat?
something like that
and my own urges were pulling me to the bath house
many points in the movie i wanted to masturbate
and even now
i don’t feel horny
i wanted to come and write a bit
but my body is pulling me
whatever bodies do that for
whatever bodies do…