One of the things i learned from the massage tonight was
i’ve been stuffing my emotions
i decided that i would always be in pain
always be lonely
always be sad
so i just tuned the radar off those feelings so i wouldn’t have to notice them all the time
yeah
but they’re still there
here’s one of them:
i don’t like sleeping alone
i’m embarrassed to admit it!
but it comes out in ways
i don’t sleep well on my own
fuck: it’s nearly 4am and i’m still awake
— i’m afraid of my dreams
afraid of an empty bed
cold sheets
i always sleep better with someone else
well
someone i like
well… someone i love.
then there’s the problem of me fighting with my lovers
my father
of feeling misunderstood
isolated
alone
forgotten
inept
impotent
—
i decided the world was an insane fucked up sick place
and i decided that i couldn’t just throw it away and live with out it
so i moved to NYC to be a part of it
and that decision became only firmer here
thus
i have become furthermore insane fucked up and sick.
how useful is that?
(story’s not over, more to be told, more to learn)
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