Day: February 28, 2006

groggy
i didn’t want to get of bed
the tired…
but Leo and i were to meet Joeke and Henk
the two men Leo met in NYC when he was 24
who invited him to Amsterdam back in the 70’s…
really sweet (handsome) men
initially i was intimidated and a bit nervous
we sat near the flower market
i had a fried egg sandwich that was leaking yoke everywhere
and a hot chocholate
i felt
ungraceful
but we walked through the city
down that street to the RembrantPlein
such memories!
Daniel!
(laughs)
Rembrant, ah
i got out my camera
for the first time really
snapped a lot of pictures
as we walked over the bridge
into the Waterlooplein
so i could change some money
then over to the Hermitage museum
where Leo wanted to see an exhibit of Art from all them pilgrims from once upon a time
all those dead guys on crosses
all those mothers of pearl
pretty fucking crazy
that christianity stuff
but pretty cool, yeah?
dehydrated
we sat in the cafe
Fresh Mint Tea
like
the plant
in a glass
with hot water
GREAT!
amazing chocolate cake
and nut/pecan torte
not too sweet!
amazing
yum!
stroopwaffels met de Te!
yummmm
but we closed the place
so we walked out
took more pictures
and went to Joeke and Henk’s house
sat and talked for many hours more
Rooibos tea
and red wine
and barenburg
and laughing
and phone calls
wow
phone
friends making plans with me for tomorrow
tomorrow!
smiles everywhere
well
it’s beautiful
snow fallling heavy oustide
into the canal!
beautiful
outside
beautiful
we got back just in time for Robert to be coming in the door
the priest here
i jumped in front of him and unlocked the door for him
he just came in from Istanbul
ah ha
i got some shit together
and ran back out the door to catch the bus…

i have always been attracted to older men
why?
always have
it pissed my friends off
to want to hang out with these dirty old men
to want to hold their bodies in mine
to cradle them
to be held by them.
but i love them
it’s amazing to me
like some great achievement…
to survive… to Live so long
that old flesh
the weight of the years…
i begin to look at it as a reward without knowing it
to get so old
the beard so very long and flowing
the thick furr on the body
long full eyebrows…
ear hair!
all gorgeous
all spectacular
oh, were i able to live that long..
and in the last few years
i smiled thinking of that
me as some 60 year old man
crazy and filled with stories
rambling on
taking the young ones in my arms
now will i ?
have a failed?
do i miss the prize?
damned to dying young
only full of potential
no resolution
and even better
after all the success
to then have the floating silliness of living just to live
having seen all the world shifting and dancing and playing
just laughing at it
grumbling at it
living on anyway?
well, i’d rather die happy and able than miserable as an invalid
but i know many men at 60 who are still very virile and able
it’s not a game where the winner is the last man standing
but i do want my body hair to be peppered with grey
and my skin older
belly
50’s
i want to be able to give my love
in my mentorship
fucking damn it grrrrr
so i must
must change stories
of what people believe
must survive…

Leo wanted to get the mobile phone thing sorted out
we ate some of the cold cuts and cheese he’d bought the day before
then headed off in the trusty #16 Tram
down town
jumped off at the muntplein
and walked down the rokken
eventually finding some mobile phone stores
about 8 of them all next to eachother
we went into each
waited
talked with people about plans
etc…
it sounded like Vodafone was the best
and Leo had a SIM card from them anyway that he’d got last August
so we topped his up and opened it to all of Europe by activating the Passport
then i bought one
and put another 20€
figured i’d be able to use it around europe
maybe get another SIM card in Germany… maybe Spain
maybe Turkey?
we’ll see how much i need it
how useful it is
not too worried: i’ve tried Skype and it works fine (had a nice little talk with my mom using SkypeOut)
so international calling is pretty taken care of
so long as i can keep finding free WiFi
but it is nice to have a number.
we walked from there down the Warmoerstratt
and
today i got lucky: There was Juan Carlos Tajes
grinning like a mischevious elf
grinning like a kid who’s got the best candy coming to him
grinning like a dirty old man reliving his youth
something about love…
we hugged
it took him a few moments to notice Leo.
we went in
he made tea
we sat and talked for a few hours
all the stuff
stuff going on in our lives
i left him to chat with Leo about something
and went to the WC
a sudden rush
(cue the Erland Oye)
all the stuff on his walls
things so familiar to me
my heart was so open here
so wounded
so bleeding
i’d pick at the scabs
eat them
rip it open
sream the agony
dance in the fire of the pain
the lonliness
the hope
looking at someone
bleeding heart
desperately
hoping
projecting into a future
dreaming
watching for the inuendos
pushing against the ideals
dreading the defeats, the denials, the rejection
returning
broken hearted
broken hearted over and over
such desire
…
where is that boy now?
here i am… a man?
what?
i sat and mourned that stupid childish self
so desperate to find someone to complete himself
longing for someone to share every moment with
where is he?
some faint call..
i remember when i met Nayland again
how i had first met him when my heart was so raw
and instantly fell in love with him
sorry “fell” “in love” “with him”
(hmmmmm)
so
though i wasn’t like that when i Met him again
and actually became friends with him
that colour was still always between us and over us and around us
and it took most of last year for it to wash off
as i’ve closed my heart to that weird desire
washed everything in grey
(like a Cure song!)
though the constant pain, little drip of red
still so quiet and slight
never forget the dream
just don’t live in it anymore
is that bad?
lost passion?
lost heart?
or… Maturity?
anyway
here i am
i walk back out there
and Leo says he needs to use the toilet
and in a second
Juan and i are grappling at eachother
he shows me
though he’s had his health problems
he’s just as insatiably horny as ever
we smile
and make sure we have eachother’s Numbers
— we’ll meet soon
But Leo and i head off to get some Dim Sum
i walk him to China Town
and we eat at the ALL YOU CAN EAT Dim Sum house
not Great
but great..
everything is just beautiful
the rain
the mediocre food
the unhappy polish people dramatically yammering behind me
the two chinese girls going through their albums
filling in all the Euro Coins from all the different countries…
we walked out
down the street
across the big road: i was going to show him Marcel’s street
… and the way i used to go home
.. constant traffic
a cop car stopped to let us pass
then followed us into the street
amsterdam has changed so much
they asked me to stop
got out of the car
one on each side of me
asked me if i had a passport
‘ no, but i’ve got my driver’s license ‘
i show it to them
” oh, we are searching for someone like you… but he is not American ”
oh.
on they drive
on we walk
away from the commercialism and tourists
quiet neighborhoods…
there is so much more dutch than there used to be
what is this?
i used to always hear english everywhere
so many tourists
now
not so many
sure
not a royal wedding, like last time i was here
sure
the whole city is ripped up
under construction
Sure
there’s a war on
so much more dutch
i’m actually… learning some.
the rain comes
we put up our hoods
and walk
the grey
through the streets
fabric stores
coffee shops
… just walking, talking
tired
but it’s so late now
and i’m supposed to be meeting this guy at 9 at the Web
so yeah
we go to the Cuckoo’s nest
yeah
and have a drink
it’s all Jenever for me
to put my zoethout into
talking with Leo
we’re tired
but some chunky guy looks like he’s motioning to me
so i bid Leo farewell
and walk downstairs
don’t find the guy i’m looking for
but see a Turkish guy
oh
the most beautiful!
the dark skin and very furry belly!
that brush of thick mushtache
the musky smell
no words
just the ritual
his body shivers as i lick him all over
it’s all about fucking for them
but we can’t do that
it’s a dance
but we get to where we’re going
and i’m a happy boy
find Leo again
and we’re talking
Good
i’m having a good time
checking myself…
the sexy but sad american tourist is at the bar
Bear guy.
he goes down
i send Leo after him
… and write in my journal for a while
Leo didn’t get him
just not interested
instead
a dutch guy
who knows him from one of his more kinky profiles on line
Ah.
Europe.
over at the Web
it’s very quiet
we talk with the bartender (who i like, and remember from before)
about Spain
and politics
and Amsterdam
different drinks
BaerenBerg
like Underberg, like Jaggermeister
but not so strong, not so sweet
and from near where he’s from, up in Frysland.
the guy i’m there to meet never shows up
Leo heads back over to the other bar
i give some cute furry dutch guy a half hour blow job
he was very appreciative
but said
“that was a lot of work!”
yes, anything worth doing is worth doing well
Then an american, John, starts talking with me
and we’re smoking and drinking
and such great conversation
Leo comes back
we’re all talking
and Leo makes it clear that he’d like to spend more time with this guy
but it’s late
and off we go
back to the house
yeah
maybe i’ll sleep well tonight?
but no
i come down here
to fuck with my phone
manage to erase ALL MY CONTACTS from my computer
all my saved emails
all my telephone numbers.
Everything
off my phone too
glitch
there are tons of safety checks
but the computer just glitched
thank you mercury retrograde!
grrrr
so desperate and sad
i manage to waste another few hours
only succeeding slightly in changing my web page
finally off of yahoo
http://www.dominicvine.net/ is on its own server now
but it’s nothing
just a splash…
picture taken by Miguel for Desi’s Donner Party project
but
there it is
then i went to sleep
managing not to wake Leo
but i stayed in bed again until 11:30 am