Month: February 2006

groggy
i didn’t want to get of bed
the tired…
but Leo and i were to meet Joeke and Henk
the two men Leo met in NYC when he was 24
who invited him to Amsterdam back in the 70’s…
really sweet (handsome) men
initially i was intimidated and a bit nervous
we sat near the flower market
i had a fried egg sandwich that was leaking yoke everywhere
and a hot chocholate
i felt
ungraceful
but we walked through the city
down that street to the RembrantPlein
such memories!
Daniel!
(laughs)
Rembrant, ah
i got out my camera
for the first time really
snapped a lot of pictures
as we walked over the bridge
into the Waterlooplein
so i could change some money
then over to the Hermitage museum
where Leo wanted to see an exhibit of Art from all them pilgrims from once upon a time
all those dead guys on crosses
all those mothers of pearl
pretty fucking crazy
that christianity stuff
but pretty cool, yeah?
dehydrated
we sat in the cafe
Fresh Mint Tea
like
the plant
in a glass
with hot water
GREAT!
amazing chocolate cake
and nut/pecan torte
not too sweet!
amazing
yum!
stroopwaffels met de Te!
yummmm
but we closed the place
so we walked out
took more pictures
and went to Joeke and Henk’s house
sat and talked for many hours more
Rooibos tea
and red wine
and barenburg
and laughing
and phone calls
wow
phone
friends making plans with me for tomorrow
tomorrow!
smiles everywhere
well
it’s beautiful
snow fallling heavy oustide
into the canal!
beautiful
outside
beautiful
we got back just in time for Robert to be coming in the door
the priest here
i jumped in front of him and unlocked the door for him
he just came in from Istanbul
ah ha
i got some shit together
and ran back out the door to catch the bus…

i have always been attracted to older men
why?
always have
it pissed my friends off
to want to hang out with these dirty old men
to want to hold their bodies in mine
to cradle them
to be held by them.
but i love them
it’s amazing to me
like some great achievement…
to survive… to Live so long
that old flesh
the weight of the years…
i begin to look at it as a reward without knowing it
to get so old
the beard so very long and flowing
the thick furr on the body
long full eyebrows…
ear hair!
all gorgeous
all spectacular
oh, were i able to live that long..
and in the last few years
i smiled thinking of that
me as some 60 year old man
crazy and filled with stories
rambling on
taking the young ones in my arms
now will i ?
have a failed?
do i miss the prize?
damned to dying young
only full of potential
no resolution
and even better
after all the success
to then have the floating silliness of living just to live
having seen all the world shifting and dancing and playing
just laughing at it
grumbling at it
living on anyway?
well, i’d rather die happy and able than miserable as an invalid
but i know many men at 60 who are still very virile and able
it’s not a game where the winner is the last man standing
but i do want my body hair to be peppered with grey
and my skin older
belly
50’s
i want to be able to give my love
in my mentorship
fucking damn it grrrrr
so i must
must change stories
of what people believe
must survive…

Leo wanted to get the mobile phone thing sorted out
we ate some of the cold cuts and cheese he’d bought the day before
then headed off in the trusty #16 Tram
down town
jumped off at the muntplein
and walked down the rokken
eventually finding some mobile phone stores
about 8 of them all next to eachother
we went into each
waited
talked with people about plans
etc…
it sounded like Vodafone was the best
and Leo had a SIM card from them anyway that he’d got last August
so we topped his up and opened it to all of Europe by activating the Passport
then i bought one
and put another 20€
figured i’d be able to use it around europe
maybe get another SIM card in Germany… maybe Spain
maybe Turkey?
we’ll see how much i need it
how useful it is
not too worried: i’ve tried Skype and it works fine (had a nice little talk with my mom using SkypeOut)
so international calling is pretty taken care of
so long as i can keep finding free WiFi
but it is nice to have a number.
we walked from there down the Warmoerstratt
and
today i got lucky: There was Juan Carlos Tajes
grinning like a mischevious elf
grinning like a kid who’s got the best candy coming to him
grinning like a dirty old man reliving his youth
something about love…
we hugged
it took him a few moments to notice Leo.
we went in
he made tea
we sat and talked for a few hours
all the stuff
stuff going on in our lives
i left him to chat with Leo about something
and went to the WC
a sudden rush
(cue the Erland Oye)
all the stuff on his walls
things so familiar to me
my heart was so open here
so wounded
so bleeding
i’d pick at the scabs
eat them
rip it open
sream the agony
dance in the fire of the pain
the lonliness
the hope
looking at someone
bleeding heart
desperately
hoping
projecting into a future
dreaming
watching for the inuendos
pushing against the ideals
dreading the defeats, the denials, the rejection
returning
broken hearted
broken hearted over and over
such desire
…
where is that boy now?
here i am… a man?
what?
i sat and mourned that stupid childish self
so desperate to find someone to complete himself
longing for someone to share every moment with
where is he?
some faint call..
i remember when i met Nayland again
how i had first met him when my heart was so raw
and instantly fell in love with him
sorry “fell” “in love” “with him”
(hmmmmm)
so
though i wasn’t like that when i Met him again
and actually became friends with him
that colour was still always between us and over us and around us
and it took most of last year for it to wash off
as i’ve closed my heart to that weird desire
washed everything in grey
(like a Cure song!)
though the constant pain, little drip of red
still so quiet and slight
never forget the dream
just don’t live in it anymore
is that bad?
lost passion?
lost heart?
or… Maturity?
anyway
here i am
i walk back out there
and Leo says he needs to use the toilet
and in a second
Juan and i are grappling at eachother
he shows me
though he’s had his health problems
he’s just as insatiably horny as ever
we smile
and make sure we have eachother’s Numbers
— we’ll meet soon
But Leo and i head off to get some Dim Sum
i walk him to China Town
and we eat at the ALL YOU CAN EAT Dim Sum house
not Great
but great..
everything is just beautiful
the rain
the mediocre food
the unhappy polish people dramatically yammering behind me
the two chinese girls going through their albums
filling in all the Euro Coins from all the different countries…
we walked out
down the street
across the big road: i was going to show him Marcel’s street
… and the way i used to go home
.. constant traffic
a cop car stopped to let us pass
then followed us into the street
amsterdam has changed so much
they asked me to stop
got out of the car
one on each side of me
asked me if i had a passport
‘ no, but i’ve got my driver’s license ‘
i show it to them
” oh, we are searching for someone like you… but he is not American ”
oh.
on they drive
on we walk
away from the commercialism and tourists
quiet neighborhoods…
there is so much more dutch than there used to be
what is this?
i used to always hear english everywhere
so many tourists
now
not so many
sure
not a royal wedding, like last time i was here
sure
the whole city is ripped up
under construction
Sure
there’s a war on
so much more dutch
i’m actually… learning some.
the rain comes
we put up our hoods
and walk
the grey
through the streets
fabric stores
coffee shops
… just walking, talking
tired
but it’s so late now
and i’m supposed to be meeting this guy at 9 at the Web
so yeah
we go to the Cuckoo’s nest
yeah
and have a drink
it’s all Jenever for me
to put my zoethout into
talking with Leo
we’re tired
but some chunky guy looks like he’s motioning to me
so i bid Leo farewell
and walk downstairs
don’t find the guy i’m looking for
but see a Turkish guy
oh
the most beautiful!
the dark skin and very furry belly!
that brush of thick mushtache
the musky smell
no words
just the ritual
his body shivers as i lick him all over
it’s all about fucking for them
but we can’t do that
it’s a dance
but we get to where we’re going
and i’m a happy boy
find Leo again
and we’re talking
Good
i’m having a good time
checking myself…
the sexy but sad american tourist is at the bar
Bear guy.
he goes down
i send Leo after him
… and write in my journal for a while
Leo didn’t get him
just not interested
instead
a dutch guy
who knows him from one of his more kinky profiles on line
Ah.
Europe.
over at the Web
it’s very quiet
we talk with the bartender (who i like, and remember from before)
about Spain
and politics
and Amsterdam
different drinks
BaerenBerg
like Underberg, like Jaggermeister
but not so strong, not so sweet
and from near where he’s from, up in Frysland.
the guy i’m there to meet never shows up
Leo heads back over to the other bar
i give some cute furry dutch guy a half hour blow job
he was very appreciative
but said
“that was a lot of work!”
yes, anything worth doing is worth doing well
Then an american, John, starts talking with me
and we’re smoking and drinking
and such great conversation
Leo comes back
we’re all talking
and Leo makes it clear that he’d like to spend more time with this guy
but it’s late
and off we go
back to the house
yeah
maybe i’ll sleep well tonight?
but no
i come down here
to fuck with my phone
manage to erase ALL MY CONTACTS from my computer
all my saved emails
all my telephone numbers.
Everything
off my phone too
glitch
there are tons of safety checks
but the computer just glitched
thank you mercury retrograde!
grrrr
so desperate and sad
i manage to waste another few hours
only succeeding slightly in changing my web page
finally off of yahoo
http://www.dominicvine.net/ is on its own server now
but it’s nothing
just a splash…
picture taken by Miguel for Desi’s Donner Party project
but
there it is
then i went to sleep
managing not to wake Leo
but i stayed in bed again until 11:30 am

so lazy
sweating a lot when i’m sleeping
not sleeping well
left the house around 2pm
down to the Warmoerstratt
no Juan
Leo went to the OudeKerk to listen to an organ concert
i walked over to meet up with Marcel
got him on the phone
when to his new place
— four doors down from his old place.
i told him what’s been going on with me
he told me what’s been going on with him
we weren’t in the mood to give a massage
so we made a date for tuesday night
we ate
and talked
and took some pictures.
he said he’d give me his extra bike to use while i was here
lucky me
it was a bit of mercury retrograde hassle
but we got the bike
… and it started to snow.
he said
“it seems so natural to have you here… this is where i met you.. and it’s like you’re supposed to be here. like you’re normal here”
yes, normal in amsterdam.
he went off to have dinner with his Friend
and i rode the bike
through
what was now becoming Hail
… no Juan
but his Friend answered the door
smiled
rememberd me
i felt embarrassed
he told me Juan would be very busy and probably wouldn’t be able to see me
but i could call him
ahh, lover’s spit.
i rode the bike over to the Cu-coo’s Nest
and found a secure place to lock it
then went to find Leo
i went in there
and did a quick circle:
no Leo
so he’s either over at the Web or locked in a cabin somewhere…
he probably got here around 14.30
and it was about 18.30 by the time i got there…
so i went to the Web
quick circle
no Leo
back downstairs
some guy gave me the eyes…
i was going to go back over to the other bar
but he looked kinda hot
and i hadn’t played around yet
so i thought of following him up
when the bartender told me i wasn’t allowed to go up unless i bought a drink
so checked my coat
bought a drink ( a jaggermiester )
— he skimped me to let me know he didn’t like me
by the time i was heading up
this guy was coming back down
and he started talking with me
then said
“wait, where are you from?”
‘ america ‘
“north america?”
‘ united states ‘
“oh, sorry: i hate Americans”
he walked away
Great.
i stood against the wall
Great.
he came back and kinds appologized
trying to explain that he didn’t hate me
he hated my politics
— i looked at him and asked him if i looked like George Bush
— did he really think that was MY Politicks?
but that’s the difference
we Americans are all fragments
Europeans actually can idtentify with their nation… coz it means something
ours is mass produced in china and sold by walmart
Whatever
i talked with a very drunk slim Rat of a guy (not an insult, just a type)
full leathers
telling me how being in bars gets me no further
does nothing for me
yes
thank you
i walked out
leaving my coat there
back at the CuCoo’s Nest
Leo Grabbed me as soon as i walked in
explaining that he’d sat and had drinks for a while..
then got about nine cocks..
instead of buying a drink there
he went back over to the Web with me
— i heard they were giving out free food
it was mushroom soup
but not canned
.. it was OK
we ate it
and then went off to get some Real Dinner
Tango
the Argentinian Steak House back on the Warmoerstratt
we both ordred lamb chops
shared fries and humita
salad
rood wijn
Yum.
we walked around
back over to the Web
got more drinks
talked to the coat check guy
— he used to head up the Dikke Matjes (our fat friends)
we asked him if the bears still meet up here at the Web
no no, now at a different bar
De Barderij
so we finished our drinks
and went over there
stood around talking to eachother for a bit
when i walked back to the toilets
i was stopped by two handsome older men
they told me how much they liked me
we kissed and hugged a bit
Nice
but there was Jan Willemsen!
he was coming up from downstairs
.. i saw those stairs.. where did they go?
that’s where the Bears are! – he said
so we went down
and it was us
and guys i knew from the Sjako
the bears here in amsterdam
aren’t so fat and furry the way i like my american beef
but they’re freaks
and that’s good.
interesting folk
nice conversations
then we went back up coz they were closing down stairs
Leo realized he had to catch the last tram
and i wanted to go to the Argos
seeing as i had to ride the bike home anyway..
well
i didn’t get the bike moved
didn’t get to the Argos
one of those nice handsome older men
took me on the 13 tram back to his place
telling me he would give me Taxi fare
but we played and
after it was over
i was totally exhausted
he didn’t speak much english
but he said
“sleep here”
— in all the time i lived in amsterdam
that only happened once or twice
that someone would actually invite me back to their house!
and then ask me to sleep in their bed!
i was amazed
and he was such a handsome older man..
so i slept.
woke at 5
still jet lagg confusion
and couldn’t get back to sleep
‘ ik kan neit sleptj ‘
i kept thinking
i used the toilet.
took a shower
and looked out the window: trams running again by 6am
so i said good by to him
and walked down the road for a while
til the tram caught up with me
wow,
way out west
an area i’ve never spent time in
nice
so sleepy
was the bike still there?
i wish a bakkerij were open
oh…
i walked through the Dam
down the deserted Neuwendijk
back to where the bike was parked…
and rode it home!
AH
Amsterdam!
these streets
the canals
the sun rising
the quiet
so warm
in my puffy coat
riding the bike…
back to the church
brought the bike inside
put it against the wall under the coats
came up and moved some data around
and went up to the bedroom
took off my clothes
turned the Radio off
(Leo turns it on when he wakes up really early to help put himself back to sleep)
it stopped his snoring and he said “OH!”
we snuggled up and talked a bit
eventually
i convinced him to leave me alone so i could get some rest
and off i went into the dreaming

the flight was strange
i couldn’t sleep
i sat there reading
til my eyes burned
and i was hallucinatory
and my whole body was sore
that burnt-electric fatigue set in
rocketing through the night at 600mph or something…
i napped for about an hour
waking to the sun glarring in on me
so hot
i wanted to be naked in it
floating in the air up there like that
naked…
burning or freezing?
the plane had to circle
holding pattern
we landed nearly a half hour late
and British Airways has this Excellent idea where you have to check in AGAIN to get your boarding pass for your connecting flight
wow, what a great idea
line a mile long
curling around everywhere
i’m tired now, grouchy
i hate London.
in line
there’s this weedy old guy, could swear he’s Quinten Crisp’s brother
a total sissy
but not empowered by it, dig
so not hot.
he gets pulled out of line
and i take my headphones off
to hear that we get to skip the line if we have a flight in the next hour
which i do
rushed through
security (again, isn’t that a great idea? doesn’t it make perfect sense?)
check in
hike ALL the way across the terminal
sit down
flight’s been delayed two hours.
Oh.
well
that’s great
by the time we’ll be boarding
Leo should be waiting for his flight
i look into the logistics of trying to get on his plane
but it’s a mess
apparently no one knows how to schedule planes at Heathrow
you’d have thought they’d figured that out by now, eh?
well
there i am
trying to nap on the bench
when i realized our gate’s been changed:
to the other fucking side of the terminal
s’ok.
as i walk
i look for Leo
no Leo.
i get to my gate
it’s been delayed another half hour
Ok.
i go walking some more
and there’s Leo!
sitting next to a cute chubby hawaian guy
i point at his case
‘ is that a ukelele? ‘
it is!
he starts playing for us
it’s a big one, a tenor…
he’s sweet
Leo
is
SUCH
a
Slut.
(grin)
Leo smiles at me
and gives me a 10 pound note he’s had since last year
so i go and buy some crisps and a sarny just for nostalgia’s sake
i usually avoid airport food
it’s so vapid.
so i chat with Leo a bit
hug him
and we promise to meet at the baggage claim
—
the flight taxis for about an hour
a huge line of planes a head of us
but it’s less than an hour in the air
and wow
there’s Holland
so flat
the sea
knocking
knocking…
we get our bags
i change some money
Wow, 200 dollars is about 150 Euros…
wow…
ok.
poor America.
Leo and i are happy kids
we’re buying train tickets
we’re buying strippenkarts
we’re missing trains
we’re riding trains
we’re riding trams
we’re walking through the old neighborhood
we’re home
we’re in the church
we’re drinking tea
we’re really fucking tired
and when i tell him everything about what’s been happening recently
he just hugs me
— we go out to get dinner
try and find Juan
no Juan
and food down there is so terrible (in the tourist district, vapid: like airport food… but cheaper)
and the bar…
the bar…
Oh Yes
i remember now
Amsterdam is what made it impossible for me to go into bars anymore!
we’re sitting drinking and talking
and we talk to other people
i initiate it
or Leo does
but they’re drunk and sad and crazy and relentless
ReLentLess
MyGod.
so i leave Leo and go downstairs
and everyone looks at me like i’m an Alien
or worse
Jesus
and i’m making them all feel shameful
avert their eyes
hide their cocks from me
i fucking hate this feeling
Pariah.
i go back up
and Leo chats up some young italian guy
who’s a fuckin nut (and not in a fun way: RELENTLESS)
and then leaves me with the chatter box and goes down
to play with someone
as he always can and does
— he’s so fucking hot.
i get rid of the italian when i’ve got about 2% of my shields left
and then get attacked from the other side by Arrogant Dutch Guy
who is also ReLentLess
and not fun
just snotty and snappy and disconnected
and then Leo comes back
all smiley
and i’m like: LET”S GET OF HERE
nad the Web was just as bad
worse
Leo plays with some kid i used to do girl-chat with
“oh, isn’t that daddy so hot?”
yeah, so hot
he busts a load on Leo’s boot
alright.
we take the tram home and crash.
sleeping was hard
we woke at three
talked a few hours
and managed to go back to sleep til 11
and today?
today i went to Sebastian’s
good to see him again
Helena…
we hugged and talked
had soup and bread
Amsterdam
some american guy from california was there
but i was too happy to be there to be uspet about it
it was a Breema workshop
healing work
all about presence
as he taught it
my judgemental side was pissy that no one was doing it right
and how i was the most exacting of students
that is
the only one i saw actually doing what the guy was teaching
and people responded very positively to what i was doing
great
well
being in a room full of people focusing on presence is always good
and when we lay down in a Sivasana style intention
i fell asleep instantly
dreaming
— i guess many others did as well
there was more chatting
but i said i would meet Leo before 6 back at the Rectory
— we’re staying in the Rectory of an Olde Catholick Church
but Leo wasn’t there
and didn’t get back til 7:30
— he’d been at the sauna
which i knew
got stalked in there by some cute italian
and whiled the hours away…
he’s such a SHY Hunter.
and what am i?
jet lagged
tired and grouchy
we went out to eat
and got back around 11
but i’ve been on this box for hours trying to answer emails
and post things
silly me
but now it’s time for sleep
three in morning
we’ll take the rest of the week easy, you know
gotta get a bike
gotta see the swimming trees
and the old friends

click this cut if you dare

someone asked me about this trip
i said:
most of this purposed trip is about places i’ve never been before
flew into Amsterdam, which i lived in for five months back in 2002
but the rest is all new to me.
a week in Berlin, Prague/Munich, Spain
where Leo returns to the US
and i’ll spend a few weeks on my own
then meet up with another friend in Barcelona
and travel to Venice for a week
then Athens for a week
then onto Turkey for a month
a few weeks in Istanbul
and a few weeks … exploring.
then up to London?
to see Nay’s opening there in June
and then find the family i lived with when i was 17 on foreign exchange
… and visit some old friends from those days.
after that i’m not sure
two more months to spend in Germany (berlin/munich — if i liked them and want to spend more time there– i Love Germany) or poland or hungry or the Czech republic.. Ireland?
we’ll see how it plays out
my return flight is scheduled for September 6th, back to NYC
but i might return earlier if i feel like i should.
as for what’s going on with me right now
i wrote most of it out
but it’s on my lap top
which is currently charging before i can get it back on line
so
i’ll back date them and post them tonight or tomorrow

Ah
but with all that rushing around
i did not get to finish the book before i left the city..
but the book was all about the city..
as the plane was taking off
i was shocked (constantly lately, streaks of blonde through my hair)
i was going so Far away from New York
New York Loves Us!
it takes care of us..
it gives us everything we want
… if we know where to find it
and work hard enough for it.
but away we went
far from new york city
over the dark ocean
tired
wired
i could not sleep
i had to finish the book
and yet
through the reading of the book
i realized that in my rush
what happened to the little buck-skin bag Clyde had given me?
and what happened with that NetFlix?
damn…
no clue
such a rush..
but i kept reading
and through all the drama
the climax that didn’t entirely all connect
not all the promised answers got delivered
melt down
interesting to end a story in a melt down
but maybe that’s how it went?
still
i couldn’t stop thinking about the netflix
and the bag..
when the story was over
i was shocked as well
fulfilling my own beliefs
confused, in light of the conversation we’d had
damn distractions
when it was over
i found the buck-skin bag
no idea how to bring it back to life…
but the netflix?
no idea what happened to that
and will i have to pay for it?
some movie i didn’t see
maybe lost in the taxi?
damn…
$24
money just drifts away…
i slept an hour maybe
and before the plane landed
while we circled in holding
i found focus
it’s so easy
just takes intention
mind pulls away
just bring it back
feels so good
but damn: i’m tired.

( i wrote this version to a friend while on the plane )
i left your house sometime after 3
i didn’t get to see Dzogbear Kevin
my check from the insurance company didn’t arrive.
i went up stairs and got my coat
(i left your house with no coat, so i wouldn’t have to lug another back over… it was warm and sunny and beautiful… a real spring day
til the clouds came and it was cold and i was shivering, snot running down my nose)
took the bus (free transfer) to see bridget
to say good bye
to eat a burrito with her (no mexican food in europe)
then walked through the sunsetting streets back to my place
like that Q train home over the bridge
: last time i’ll see this for a while.
i started ravenously packing shit together
totally confused
totally shocked
whatthefuck
how did i get so much stuff?
what am i to do with it all?
absurd
i started throwing shit in boxes
everything was full
everything was too full
it was all a mess
bottles of piss…
ugh
mess
i left your gnome drawing on my wall between my philadendron vines!
and called a chassidic jew
he said he’d give me a ride over to your place
i ran up and down the stairs
all my boxes, bags, suitcases, plants
the trash, the recycling
i sweat and huffed and puffed
i put it out on the side walk
and waited
panicked: how would i ever make the plane?
and how the fuck would we get on the manhattan bridge?
he didn’t know, i didn’t know
we drove around
we made it
him talking on the phone in yiddish
to your house
as i got out
unloading shit from his SUV onto your stoop
a cab pulled up behind him
light coming on
i asked him if he’d stop and wait for me
take me to JFK
he laughed: happy too
it was your landlord coming home!
“good timing” he said
i’m the luckiest man alive, i know
i lugged all that shit upstairs
didn’t do such a
good job
packing it into my little room behind your bed ( i live there now, you know. it’s my room. me and your library )
copied the rest of the music over
i got sondheim out!
i needed sunday in the park… and night music
sorry! i didn’t get to put it back
i was running around
sliding on the leprous floors
i washed the dishes, though
but that was earlier in the day:
i didn’t want you to come home to a moldy sink
ugh…
as i packed up my computer
i realized i had that fucking net flix
that last one
fucking “girl, interrupted”
fucking wynona
goddamnit!
i ripped it open and then off and sealed it shut
and have no idea where it ended up
i thought i dragged it downstairs
maybe it’s in the back of the cab
maybe it’s in the hall way
maybe i left it upstairs in your flat
but if you’re communicating with your landlord
you might tell him to throw it in the mail for me, that’d be cool, dude, like really great
or ask m. to go see if it’s around
fuck
it was my last flix to return
and i don’t want to fucking buy that fucking movie
but oh well
the really important thing is that you’re in touch with bridget
i want you to get that gnome from her
and when the insurance check arrives
i want you to get that too…
so the house number is
(212) …-….
and i’m giving her your email address so she can be in contact with you too
maybe i’ll give her your numbers…
but they’ll probably not do her any good.
Also
i paid the chassid for the ride by lending him my porn DVDs
the two bear parties
and those australian ones
so he’s going to mail them back to you once he’s finished with them
so i’ll give him your work address
i’m sure he won’t label them as PORN
but when you do get them from him
at least you’ll know where the fuck they’re coming from
watch the Daddy Jim shit
he’s hot.
the chassid thought you sounded hot
and wondered if i would hook you two up so he could play with you
— i’ve played with him a few times before
long payets
big red beard
round pale furry bear body
33
doesn’t speak english all that well
doesn’t smell bad
i would recommend it to you
you know
as an experience
anyway
he was very turned off when he found out you had tattoos:
you know you can’t get into the kingdom of heaven with those, right?
at least you’re circumsized, Sheesh
what the fuck is going on?

(i wrote this version on in the airport, still huffing and puffing… waiting to leave)
i must admit
i’m quite surprised
pushing
pushing
pushing
not all day
not for days
just two days
just part of the time
i’m really lazy
but i pushed today
pushed really hard
up and down those five flights of stairs about six times
to the bank
to flower power
with all my stuff
up and down
the trash
the … things i wanted to keep.
my little chassidic friend gave me a ride
… i huffed
and wondered
who could i call?
someone i had served
maybe he owed me one?
i repaid him in porn
and off he went
just as Nayland’s land lord pulled up behind us in a cab
i grabbed it
and asked him to wait
while i ran all the stuff up and threw it in my small little room
(the room i already imagine as mine)
organized some stuff
moved over the rest of the music onto my ipod
shut down the computer
put away the hard drives
repacked
ran downstairs
and took a breather
it took the 20+ minutes in the car to relax
brush my beard
put my hair up
put everything in my luggage
in its right place
no snags
i’m here at the airport
with still an hour to wait
HA!
and after all
i’m here.

i envy people who can fall asleep so easily
i lay awake
they just get in bed
and the gravity pulls them down
into sleep
maybe it’s their Older?
and it’s different with everyone
Arthur is like an opiate for me
but i never sleep well with him
i can get comfortable
but i always wake up tired..
though last time we slept…
i woke in the early morning
and watched him
laying right on his back! no covers!
snoring ever so slightly
hard
legs open
arms everywhere
i’d never seen him like that
and i really wanted a picture
but then he rolled on his side
“…and so hard to get out of bed”
but with lovers
it changes
with Leo
i used to sleep well
then it got harder and harder
recently
it was better
i could sleep with him
just had to be aware of my own patterns
and sometimes
it says
“no, you’re not sleeping yet”
and with Nay
i could just curl up
but this year
it’s been laying next to him
listening to him snore
trying and trying to just fall asleep
but not
so i get up
and write a bit
organize
i’m on european time already
of course
been staying up til 4 the last few nights
waking around noon
get enough sleep boy
but
on european time
i leave at 10:30 Pm tonight
fancy that
flying all night
and then
to surprise a friend on the Warmoerstraat!