Month: January 2006

Oh No!
i’ve been HIT, Pa
oh
i don’t think i’m down for the count, Pa
naw
it won’t kill me
though i may wish it would
i’ll stagger on, i’m sure
—-
well, son
we’ll see if you’re alive next week
then we’ll know how serious the damage is
right now
i just want you to rest and git to feelin’ better, alright?

he wants me to write about him
all i think about is this new person in my life
his name is Joshua
today we went to chinese new year down in china town
and jeff bought me this beautiful fire cracker
and i exploded it all over Mott street
and a parachute came out
which means good luck
and everyone applauded and followed it floating through the air
so he feels very hopeful about our future
but neglects to remember that the parachute got caught in the fire escape.

i woke at about 6am from a terrifying dream
Robert and Allen had invited me to their new house
Allen was hiring me to give Robert a massage
since i’d seen them last
they had both got very thin
full heads of hair (fake)
coiffed
tasteless gay clothes
voices having gone completely …
gay
as if they had been purged of their personalities.
they were living in a trailer
then the house was a suburb
then the house was a large ornate artistic mansion
then the house was part of a church
and i was having relations with the minister’s assistants
or were Allen and Robert the assistants?
i couldn’t give Robert a massage
and i couldn’t leave til i did it
he kept coming up with excuses
and evading me
so i’d walk around
looking at things
climbing through the secret passages of the church
up over the altar
up the walls
under the horse
fine
when nothing was happening
but i started breaking things
climbing around naked
the priest was angry
right before mass
in the back room
on the bed
were bodies
gutted
ground up
fetid blood mingled with the sheets
they explained to me it was good food
yes
food
i was doing my best to take it all in stride
because they were
so it must be normal
eating the rotten dead bodies
i turned
and noticed that robert had taken his clothes off:
below his head was just a spine and rib cage
the gentle curve…
down into the rotten meat of his back
left leg gone above the knee
green rotten flesh hanging off
floating? or standing on his right leg
i felt the teeth in my mouth swell and pound
my tongue pushing on them
they came out like candy corn
i spat two in my hand
two others were about to come out
i did my best to keep them in
but they just tumbled out
more teeth
more teeth
red and black and throbbing
i woke from fright
confusion
denial
i forced myself back into unconsciousness

when i got back in town
i looked through the Voice
and noticed
Broken Social Scene
would be playing at the end of the month
the paper said
“Saturday: SOLD OUT
new show open on Friday”
so when i went on line a few days later to buy a ticket for the friday show
it was sold out too
but they had opened one on Thursday
so i got two tickets
thinking i could get either Bridget or Nayland to go with me to the show
i was very excited to be able to see them.
so
the day came!
Bridget had cancelled in opt to go see Feist on the 10th of next month
Nayland had a Panel he was doing
so couldn’t come
so, just like monday, i was going out to have fun
on my own.
i put an ad on craigslist to sell the ticket
i searched for them first
didn’t see any
so put up an ad in the Tickets section
and the m4m section
wondering if there were any cool gay boys who knew the band who wanted to go see them.
i got a call about 5 minutes after i posted
though i assumed it was from the Tickets ad
coz the guy didn’t chat with me
was very business like
OK
taken care of
i woke up yesterday morning kinda sickly
stuffy
was it the dog hair?
or just the fact that i hadn’t been sleeping enough?
so
off i went into the day after taking care of my small errands
Q to ave J to the 6b down to Ave O
my friend Arthur was also a bit under the weather
we ate sandwiches and watched “Keeping Up Appearances”
… which i guess i had never seen before.
ugh.
england.
oswald was hot.
everyone else was kinda scary.
oh, he was scary too…
but would be fun for a day.
life there is such a closed system:
model for the suburbs
winds blowing through the desert..
they wanted to go to an Art Exhibition that the Mayor would be at
she made her husband buy books to research ART so they’d have something to talk about
he got a book of 23 essays on the Creative Process
she said
“Twenty Three! But the exhibition is Tonight! We don’t have time for all that”
Time.
i cuddled up and took a nap with him
and felt so thankful for people who don’t have day jobs
dark bedroom
warmth.
but i woke on time
natural internal clock
he was still asleep
i snapped a few sleeping pictures of him
and tried to tuck him in
but he threw the covers off: too hot
Ok
i was on my way.
stopped off at home to drop off my bag
and talked with Bridget
who should have been at work…
but had had some strange TMJ freak out that morning (also woke up ill)
so took the day off.
apparently my massage was still working through her.
good!
but i couldn’t convince her to go to the show with me
i ran back out into the night
cold
gotten colder
cccccccold!
and i missed the buss at every corner
and the Knish shop was closed
even though they were advertising being opened late
it was only 7:25
damnit.
i walked up to 3rd Ave and 11th st. /Webster Hall by 7:45
-scalpers everywhere-
met the boy
who seemed nice and all
but unengaging.
we stood in line a while
and then i got in.
and felt kinda lonely.
all the cool kids.
i took a strip of photos in the photo booth
i ate some popcorn
i put the pizza spices on
garlic salt
DJs in the bathroom
urinals filled with ice
chris working the coat check (a kid i’d met once long ago nowhere)
i walked around the hall
nice
DJ sucks
kids
cute bear boy
cute hipsters
cute girls
i pushed through the crowd
some sweet black boy blocking me
saying “dude, you have to say excuse me or hello or something”
as i was staring at the floor
and just pushing my way through
i stood in the centre of the audiance near the front
standing
thinking
staring at the stage
feeling awkward
having bad gass
thinking about how
in general
american culture is Anti Social
or maybe i was just trying to justify myself
thought how african and latin culture was much more social
well
then i started talking to some sweet hip kids next to me
and farted badly at the annoying het suburbanite Bridge & Tunnel people behind me
waiting
waited
they were supposed to come on at 8:30
then 8:45
but here we were at 9…
but then they came
eight of them on stage to start
5 guitarist, one base
one viloin
and a drummer
playing a song i didn’t know, but had seen on a 7″ when i’d been walking around:
“all the gods”
then two more people came out
two girls
they played 7/4 (shoreline)
— i’m not going through the whole set list
but after that
another four people came out playing horns
and everyone started switching instruments
i LOVE this
a group of friends who are all playing together
stretching and fluxing
having fun
it was a fantastic show
i really got into the grove
dancing
though… most of the people in the audiance were just standing and staring
the occasional guy shouting lyrics
only about ten people (maybe) dancing around me
near the end of the show [Hotel]
i was jumping up and down
and the lights were high on the house
the lead singer said
“and that song was for the guy with the long beard in the red shirt:
Enthusiam keeps you alive”
and then a few girls jumped towards me asking if they could touch my beard
and have their pictures taken with me
after that
they played “lover’s spit”
and the lead singer climbed down into the audiance
and spent about five minutes walking around huging everyone
i felt so good being there
that i’m considering talking to the scalpers and seeing if i can get tickets for either tomorrow or saturday’s show.
after the show
i tried to give the lead singer $20 for downloading his music
he said “it’s ok: it’s your’s to download”
and didn’t take it.
(shrugs)
love love loved it.
and even though it was cold
and i was feeling pretty shitty
i knew Nowhere was on the way home
so i stopped by to see if i could find my keys
(re: two days ago)
when i walked in
i saw Stephin sitting on a stool in the middle of the room
talking to… X!
so strange to see him in a bar: he doesn’t drink (ever)
i asked the bartender if he had my keys
and lo and behold
he did.
i think this is the FIRST time i’ve ever found something i’ve lost.
i got a whiskey and water to celebrate the finding of the keys
and sat with X and S to chat
feeling
yet again
a struggle with my pretentions
i don’t want to be a pretentious midwestern kid
i don’t want to steer my energy towards making people like me
— it never worked for me as a kid
and it makes me feel terrible when i do it now
but often here in NYC i find myself around people who are stars
or in close orbits with them
and i find myself trying to impress them
and it’s gross
i just want to be myself
and wish i were a bit more impressive on my own merrit…
and/or away from all of this and never have to deal with it
ah… the crux of my dichotomy of desires
Chris (who’d been working the coat room)
showed up
we talked about Mamma Mabley
and Pearl … Baley?
women i didn’t know
ah, the good ole days
C left
smoking with S outside
i found myself making comments about people
‘ he’s kinda unstable ‘ – i said
“compared to who?” – he said
yeah.
S left
i talked with X for a while
i was very tired and shitty feeling
so said i wanted to go home
he said he’d walk with me and take the J to his place
(he could’ve just taken the L . . . )
it was so fucking cold
we stopped at Odessa to sit and talk and eat a bit ( he wasn’t hungry, i was )
and the conversation went where it always goes:
how i’m lying to myself and everyone all the time
how i’m manipulating people
trying to make them like me
believing that i don’t deserve the love i really want
and that the only thing i can give people is sex
and how he was a Real and True friend to me
and i lost him
Ugh.
this is so tiring
and sad
and
not true.
not entirely true.
in part, all of it, yes
but the perspective is all wrong
and the delivery is done with no compassion
i’ve got my own world to live through
and must grow in my own way
and don’t think psychiatrists and pills are the answer to my problems.
No.
so he was put off
i was closed down
and we seperated
he walked back up to the L
and i jumped on a bus that dropped me at Rivington and Essex
walked home
so cold
glad i had my keys again, though
and did a pretty good job of putting myself to bed on
(at 3 am)

getting by on doing the minimal is Not OK
the world needs more love
doing the least you NEED to do
is just lazy and stingy
that being said…
maybe we’re all tired and mopey?
it’s cold outside
and …
how do we change this sort of pattern?

Tuesday was my Monday.
i spent most of the day indoors
sleeping
reading
researching on the internet
about the musicians i saw last night
and plans for europe
around 4 i got a call to go give an hour massage
so went up to Times Square
the client was nice
– LA –
i went to go get a Better Burger
walking down
over to 9th ave
talking on the phone with a guy i used to be friends with
but he just stopped calling me
— he was looking for a husband
and i’m not husband material
and even though he had fun with me
conversation and sexually
he chooses to pursue an immature frat kid
that was annoying and the sex was terrible
but i guess he was emotionally needy enough
or something:
how many times will that story be told?
i’ve lost quite a few friends to the Longing For Stability.
but i wanted to see how he was doing..
during the conversation on the phone
i thought i heard something drop
but thought i was just being paranoid and let it go…
i took the burger with me
coz they were closing
and got on the bus
still talking with E
down to 14th street
i walked most of the way across
eventually catching the buss for a few blocks
there was a Fragile kid
coulda been trevis
he must have dumpstered the clothes…
or was he really a newbie to the city who had been devoured by it?
gentle face
all tourist clothes
baggy jeans
red NYC hoodie and ball cap
his glance darting around in every direction
not able to hold eye contact
moving like a terrified rabbit
voice so tender
was it drugs?
or just being completely overwhelmed?
i got off the bus
and went into nowhere (second time in two days!)
coz it was Big Lug
the bear night
and i liked to stop by once every three months or so
was danny there?
no.
was LD there?
no
anyone i knew?
no.
yes.
Warren
a sweet guy
but i didn’t feel like talking with him
i walked into the bar feeling like i wanted to be wild and have fun
trying to get a beer
i asked this cute pakistani boy to move for me
he wouldn’t
i went to tickle him
he looked horribly offended
i so moved around the bar
and he started offering me peanuts
like an animal?
i tried eating them out of his hand with my mouth
he didn’t like that either
and threw it at me
i got a guiness
and went back to the front of the bar, by the door
coz i’d seen a really handsome bear talking with a long haired guy
— interesting folk i wanted to pursue
(Big Lug is the Freak Bear hang out… as opposed to the Conservo-Bears at Dugout)
John and… Michael?
John was just the bomb for me
( i don’t speak like this, i swear to you, it’s just coming out in my writing: i never say “bomb”)
we talked for a while
he told me he’d just got back from Brazil
he loved brazil
was dating a guy down there
mostly spent time in Sao Paulo
loved the big city
and man, life was all about travelling, he lived to travel
wow, we had a lot in common, maybe we could be friends, i said
maybe i was shining too heavy on him?
he said
“excuse me”
and walked off to talk with other guys
sucking face with a tall thin clean shaven…
ugh…
i stood there
looking around
the pakistani boy walked up to me
and made introductions
and said how sexy i was
and pushed himself into me
and eventually started kissing my ear
while i tried to explain i wasn’t interested in him at all sexually
but he seemed like an interesting fellow
from Iowa
and maybe we could be friends?
as he tried to kiss my mouth
i turned away from him (cold shoulder, right?)
and rolled a cigarette
i looked for John
and felt sad
i wanted to have fun
no fun here
just general bar stuff
of feeling awkward
alone
and mis-matched
this pakistani kid is staring at me
saying
“look: i’m looking you in the eyes: i can really see you”
and trying to kiss me
i sang “i want the one i can’t have, and it’s driving me mad”
and i fled.
talked with a very cute guy i’d chatted with on line long ago
named Giovanni
very sweet
very cute
but behind him was John
and then the pakistani boy walked back up to me
pushing me into a corner
blocking my view of Giovanni
UGHARGH!
i walked outside into the cold
and lit my cigarette
a cute boy walks out of the bar
directly towards me
asks for a cigarette
i tell him i don’t have one
but i could roll him one
after i’m done with mine
it’s only a minute before he reaches for my dick
grinding his hips into me
telling me that he’s 19
and he’s going to go home with me
i try and tell him he’s wrong
i try to run away from him
but he keeps following me
i literally start running around in circles out in front of the bar
another guy who i’d met at the Eagle three years before
who remembered my name
was trying to talk with me
but this kid is there
intercepting
saying
“yeah, we’ll have a hot three way, both of you fucking me”
and i’m getting this terrible desperate feeling (from all directions)
i should just go home
— i want to talk with John
— i don’t want to make him feel the way i’m feeling right now
should i just go back in there and ask him if he has any interest in me?
he obviously doesn’t
why am i wasting my time?
why does it matter?
who the fuck is he?
bloody mother fucking asshole
I FUCKING HATE THIS FEELING
John walks out of the bar
and i walk over to him
roll another cigarette
while this really fucking hot Mexican Stud named Julian walks over and introduces himself to John
John focuses on him
i rub his neck a little
gorgeously hairy
but he’s obviously more interested in Julian
then Julian takes off
Julian and i have a lot in common
when i go back in the bar
i offer to buy John a drink
get it for him
mean while
he’s kissing that tall thin clean shaven again
who leaves
and then he’s talking with the boring Jersey-ite who has absolutely nothing to say about anything
then Julian comes back
and he’s all talking to him
drinking his beer
i sit on the stool
and look at the Jerseyite
who stares back at me with a blank dog-like-look
and i say
“Oh Well!”
he smiles.
Julian calls out to me across the bar
obviously wanting to pull me into this conversation
where John is saying “i want to know your hobbies”
and Julian is saying “fucking men. that’s it. i fuck men… and fix cars”
he’s making jokes about running across the boarder
he’s complaining about the cement feeling in his stomach from eating the Taco Bell
he’s saying he’s a top because no one can flip him over
his comb is bright red
his tail feathers are oily black and fully extended
his wings are held out and splayed
his breast feathers fluffed out so all the colours can be seen
John is puppie eye’d over him
and i’m explaining that i’ve fucked every one on the planet
and i’m kinda over it
though sex is just great and hot and sweaty and musky
my criteria now comes down to people that can connect emotionally and intellectually as well
and who will lay around naked in bed and cuddle with me
that stopped both of them
then they were like
“that’s so cool”
and they start making out
and then John goes to the bathroom
and Julian puts it on me
and we’re sucking face
and he’s hot
but i’m so fucking sad at this point
i write out a note on the bar
my name and number and email and url
and i make a show of putting it in John’s right chest pocket when he gets back
and i say
“Good Night Boys”
walking down the street
i put my hand in my pockets
(Fucking Cold)
and notice something feels wrong:
SomeHOW
my house keys have fallen off my keychain.
(i have a few different sets of keys attatched on clips)
Fuck.
it’s 2am now
Bridget said she MIGHT be home from the bronx tonight
probably
because she has an 8am meeting down here
but
she’d probably be asleep if that was the case..
i talked with Leo on the walk home
and there were two boys going in when i got there
so at least i was in the building
but the door was locked
so …
i called her
and rang the door bell
and she let me in groggily
looking angry
i felt bad…
but
hey.
i talked with Leo a while longer
and think i managed to stay up til dawn fucking around with Solitaire and converting videos and masturbating
and
feeling
generally
lonely.

last night’s show
also featured
Antibalas
a brooklyn band from all over the world
great to dance to…
and i fell in love with one of the guitarists…
while i was looking for him with google
( his name is Marcos )
i found a link to a page
from mexico
of…
people they found dead?
it’s kinda terrible, but i couldn’t stop looking
periciales.pgjebc.gob.mx/ semefo2.htm
rolls and waves…

i took this picture a few weeks ago
thought it was fucking brilliant
(well, it speaks to me)
and then i erased it from my camera before i copied to my hard drive
i was furious
but i had patience
and it took me a few weeks to find a program that i could retrieve it with for free
so i did.
meanwhile
i don’t really want to talk about today
i kinda feel hazy and grey and shitty
like the weather
gave a mediocre massage
he loved it, though
sad…
but while working on him
i thought of the last two journal entries
and forced myself to write them before i leave
but now it’s 8 o’clock
and the show is starting..
i’m off to see Martha Wainwright
what luck, as i walked through town with Nay and Z yesterday
i saw a sign advertising the concert tonight
and still ticket’s available
THANKS!
Oh,
if you’re interested
i wrote two enteries before this one
go to my journal to read them, coz i back dated them
“Frankie” & “Sisters”
good night.

i keep calling Bridget
“Sheridan”
it’s kinda sad
but they’re always kinda been sisters to me.
She told me about this great accupuncture she got from these kids at a school
… thought about it..
She was telling me about how she’d been doing the Artist’s Way excersises
and how one of them was “write a scenario of a life you didn’t live, but what would have happened if you had”
she said she wrote about going to acupuncture school and becoming a TCM doctor…
how different it would be..
i gave her a massage today
three something hours.
it’s only the second massage i’ve given her since i’ve been here in NYC
in my imagination i thought we’d do a trade every month
oh
those best laid plans
silly mice we are.
it was really intense
she’s so thin
and..
she’s a girl
i so rarely get to touch girls.
and she’s like sheridan
my mother
my sister
i was trying to make us all feel better
she was on the end of her period too
and i kept thinking about how in various tribes (red injuns and jews and africans and aboriginies…)
when women were bleeding
how men couldn’t touch them
or how the women themselves couldn’t touch sacred instruments
or be at rituals, etc
coz there energy was so strong it’d throw everything off
or something?
what would it to?
i didn’t know
i wondered
i wondered what her energy was doing to me
bleeding
with the moon
my hands on her
what was she doing to me?
when i was done
let her go back to her life
let her out of my hands
it occurred to me
that if she had lived a parallel life where she went to TCM school
she’d be Sheridan.
that’s how she’d do it
and the bitch would betray me
(oops. anger there)
as we do
as we do..
so many parallel lives
happening all the time
bridget and sheridan are the same
but different
have you ever seen yourself in other people
seen them living the lives you’re not?
usually they’re not really interesting
you can’t have relationships with doppelgangers..
can you?

i woke up with Nay
and he left
i layed about with LEE-HI for a while
took he for a walk
and what else was i doing?
i think i got distracted on line
then had an adventure:
took the Q train to Ave J
took the 6b Bus down to Bay Parkway
passed the “Louis DeLuca” memorial home
called him
said “hello”
spent the afternoon with Arthur.
did we watch a movie?
we must have
it was all in front of the TV
we ate chinese food too
we did other things
but he was sad to hear
i had to go:
i had a date with Frankie.
Bridget’s friend i’d met years ago in Austin
she had never done Absinth and wanted to sit and drink with me
so yeah
it took a while for me to leave Art
as it does
and when i got home
i wasn’t hungry
i was just
weird.
i poured the drinks
one from each bottle
one with honey
the other with maple syrup
diluted half
strong shit
i told her the history of Absinth (does anyone need me to repeat that?)
we drank and drank
while B worked on proofreading or something…
eventually
bridget insisted that we make art
coz we were doing absinth
so we started drawing..
yeah
i drew a mask i used to draw all the time
you can kinda see it on my first attempt at a web page, Here
but i’d not drawn it in years
so i had to put hair on it..
it was strange
to draw on absinth
with old firends
new friends?
old
i made…

and then drew a quick sketch of what i used to look like:

Then Frankie and i needed to get some air.
we went out
slightly raining
we stopped by Two Boots pizza
but it was open
and we weren’t really hungry
just needed to get out
and Frankie didn’t bring any money with her anyway
even though “hunger” had been her excuse to go out…
so we went to the Stanton Social to see Suzanna
(she wasn’t there)
you know
i’ve never Hung Out in my neighborhood before
it’s kinda gross.
we went to the Cake Shop
went down stairs
there was no one there but the bar tender
oh no
there was a straight couple
but they just blended in
then dissapeared..
the barkeep (Duane)
told me about how he was going to fast
and i did my best to talk him out of it
wrong time of year
cold
not good
Frankie demanded exchange for our services
so he gave us free Beer (rhinegold)
and a girl walked in with a pet rooster named Lou
he was a little bantam
quiet
he sat on the bar
we break danced
we did pushups
they were hungry
so i took them back to Two Boots after they closed
where there was a bag full of pizza laying on the sidewalk
they were in heaven!
and grabbed many pieces
i wasn’t hungry
but took two stromboli for tomorrow…
we went to “The Johnson’s”
a terrible straight hipster bar just down the street from our apartment
it was gross
and kinda sad
reminded me of Slick Williie’s
(Ted’s Mother’s Garage we hung out in as teenagers)
Ugh.
Frankie realized she’d lost her favourite shirt
went out to get it
while i sat and drank a guiness
but she couldn’t find the cake shop
so i went to get it
and there it was
so i came back
and we left
and we went home
and we slept
and i woke up feeling pretty good
for having drank so much absinth…

A friend called tonight
after watching the crappy movie
after posting that little tid-bit here
i heard my phone ringing
and ran up stairs
—
i hadn’t talked with him in a month
so i had to tell him about the potential bacterial infection
as he asked and asked and asked:
How Was i?
well…
i told him i was feeling a bit embarrased
not ashamed
just kinda goofy
:
i’ve got so used to having sex with everyone i meet.
when i see someone beautiful
i don’t as much wonder what it would be like
but i go out to make it happen.
… when i have the time
— this is the ideal
of course it hasn’t happened like that
but the potential has always been there
my persona
what i wish to be
sexual always
with everything
open
suggesting
active
but i can’t do that now
more so
don’t feel like it
and it’s very confusing
he told me it’s Maturity
and it may be,
Saturn…
it’s my conscience
it’s my heart, too
i’m tired of skimming the surface
i want to go deeper
and it doesn’t only require moving slower
but diving less frequently
it’s like re-hauling my speach patterns or something
like a kid sitting down for a few hours for a few weeks
practicing (rejecting and restructuring) his Signature
how am i? who am i?
damn: kid stuff.
but i saw some pictures of Mature Men
(Oscar’s picture in bitterlawngnome ‘s journal, specifically)
that i could feel myself aspiring to
and it made me realize
that i had never seen an image of myself as Mature and Sexy and Healthy and… Alive
before
wow,
what strange things that come in the night
oh
thanks for so many things
and i’m sorry
and thank you
and onward
and
here i am.