Context?
oh, dominic
frustrated as ever.
i haven’t posted the photos
.. i haven’t finished updating the journal from my Peru trip
when will i have time now?
to type it all in
organize it all?
to Harbin tomorrow
to SF the day after
to NYC the day after
Upstate the day after
— Naraya.
back down on sunday
or monday?
or when?
then?
NYC!
everything rushes
— i may have to hole up in my room
— but feel pressured to make money before the holidays
see friends!
Context; Here:
yeah
i know i haven’t posted in over a week
(well, i just back-dated something i wrote on the 5th, a fragment)
i’ve been grappling with being back in america
being back in my pain body
being back in all my stupid and silly struggles
my desires
my Nafs.
there was lots of sex the first few days
oh
give and take
one massage client that very quickly turned otherwise
it was all fun and exciting in southern california
— but i wasn’t acheiving what i wanted.
let my friend Skinny Boy Blue down about seeing his play
perfecting timing missed..
got to SF
and was immediately depressed by it
which made me feel bad..
i kept hearing the Cat Power song “Colors and Kids”
about
“It’s so hard to go into the city
coz you want to say ‘ Hello ‘ to everybody..
it’s so HARD to go
into the city
coz you want to say ‘ Hey! i Love You! ‘
to every body…”
i kept seeing all these beautiful and fun looking kids
daddies
all sorts of characters..
and me:
devoid of purpose
… going to see someone
riding the train
wandering through the streets…
with nothing pressings
and FRESH from travel
— i was seeing things clearly
i was imagining their stories
i was caressing their bodies
i wanted to touch everyone
hear them talking to me
smell their breath
taste them!
but they wouldn’t look at me
hardly talk to me
and it took a day and a half of their Busy lives filled with Things to Do
to turn me sour
and suddenly all the stories were sad ones of tragedy and cyclical suffering
samsara spinning around
— i got a ride from Palm Springs to LA with a massage client
and that was sweet
but i was exhausted (didn’t sleep the night before)
and then a ride from Frank Martin, ednixon, up to the bay area
with his friend Kitten
who i was kinda excited by
similarily
by the third night in SF
i was just sad
and everyone seemed unhappy
Kitten was a bitchy bore
and i was tired.
similarily
my time with Leo has been
so excited to see him
— that wore off like a cheap silver plating —
and the same complaints of his playful nagging
and drinking
got to me
by the third day
i was going through my [paper] mail
and found out that when i tested for all my diseases here in SF back in August
and assumed all was well (coz they didn’t call me)
really
i had Chlamydia
rectal, throat– cock not tested… so probably there too
which means i’ve probably been passing it around to god knows how many people
and i shudder at having to tell everyone when i get back
(and, of course, can’t tell everyone coz some names i don’t know, some addresses and numbers i don’t have)
— i’ve been feeling off
but assuming it couldn’t be an STD because i had got tested and was negative in everything!
— i haven’t had any pussy discharge or sever pain
just a mild dis-ease throughout…
so… FUCK!
i had to call in an antibiotic in Fort Bragg
and took it
no more sugar for a while
no more alcohol (thank you)
but i’ve had a severely sore throat since sucking Leo’s dick
and did i give him this last time i was here? probably.
FUCK FUCK FUCK
where are my charms?
guess that period of my life is over, eh?
i’ve had Chlamydia on and off for about two years now
probably longer:
i had bad hemeroids and bloody butt back in 2001
and after waiting 1.5hrs at a clinic in SF i just walked out and choose to take care of it myself (hating medical doctors and DISEASE clinics)
i probably cured it with meditation and my three month kitchari fast back in 2001
though it seemed to have flared up again in europe for a few months in the heat of summer
(people told me it was just colonitis… or “excessive Heat” in TCM)
however
at the begining of 2004
i gave it to three people
which is the first time i realized i had it.
i was traveling in brazil at the time
so when i got back (two months later)
i tested, took the antibiotics
and it should have been cleared
BUT
i gave it to a friend in TN!
so took antibiotics again!
i got tested at the begining of this year
and got no call back, so felt fine…
but now i have it again
(by paper mail, thank you)
so i took my Azithromyacin
and what the fuck should i do?
guess my slutting days are coming to an end
— it’s fun
but
admittedly
a bit dissatisfying
but what now?
Life..
keeps on
… a diligent path
we’ll see how well i balance this new rope.
Context– Back To Now:
so i’ve been pissy with Leo
feeling distracted
like my time and energy are being eaten up
— satyrn is pinching me
.. i went to a church dinner with Leo last night
and felt so out of place..
but a nice lady named Charla took up the task of conversing with me
(i walked in her redwoods this spring..)
and told me about her year in Peru back in the ’60s…
saying “it’s because you’ve been an outsider your whole life that you’re such an interesting person…
and i’m sure you’ve learned that traveling is the only way for you to be an insider…”
all my suspiscions confirmed..
i went to mass this morning
i can’t fucking stand mass…
unless it’s in Latin.. then it’s great.
i walked out when they started their cannibalism…
and yesterday went to a Buddhist healing at a Zen centre out in the forest
beautiful
little tibetans..
our translator got sick in the middle of it
i felt lots of cold shivers..
it wasn’t the Medicine Buddha..
it was a wrathful blue guy..
Vajra … something.
multicolour raidiant light nectar pouring down
black oozing out the bottom
yeah
but the american buddhists…
damn me and all my judgements
damn christianity and all its judgements
damn buddhism and…
well
it’s just the world
and i suppose someone’s gotta be judgeing
and someone’s gotta be loving
and… we’re doing the best we can.
ARGH!
i had hoped to get all the photos from the peru trip up this weekend
reality is
i didn’t even really start working on the project til friday
and quickly became daunted with executing it..
sure
2800 photos is a lot to go through
but only a few to be cut out
rotated…
this isn’t the time to go through and crop and balance, etc…
just put them up..
WELL
i thought i’d do it through Photoshop (7)
and it just didn’t do what i wanted…
the only slide show feature it had
had no stop button!
and most of the screen sizes were tremendously off
plus
there was no way to directly link to a full size image
i was dissapointed and frustrated.
so i looked through other things i had on my computer:
the dreamweaver was missing components
sutterbug needed to be registered for output
graphic converter was even more lame
iPhoto is pathetic, and only compatible with .Mac
… and none of them REALLY did what i wanted.
so
this morning the idea occurred to me
to look into the software that comes with my domain package…
AND I FOUND IT!
… through a cheezzee corporate kinda display
but exactly what i wanted otherwise
… however
after i took the time to set it all up
it didn’t work.
frustrated as hell
i downloaded all sorts of modules
trying to figure out how to install them
and getting way over my head with Net stuff i don’t really understand
(which is alright.. most of life is over my head and i don’t really understand it..
but interracting with it actualizes me into awareness of it: Thus Understanding.)
so i muddled along
and by the time Leo was ready to go
i… wasn’t.
However
i just got to the Hermitage about an hour ago
sorted through my old APS (Advantix) photo cartridges to take into town tomorrow to get them turned into Photo CDs
when i thought i would look on line to see if i could get a cheaper deal
slow dial-up up here…
and No.
the corporate chains i’ve looked into all have the same basic price of $3.99 a CD
and that was the best i could fine on line was well
HOWEVER
in the process
i went to go look at my gallery software again
and realized that
the fuddling around i did with it earlier today turned OFF the broken module
which left one of the working ones as the only activated module…
and it worked!
so i have my test album and the first day of photos up
results at
http://www.dominicvine.net/gallery/
there will be no DSL til tuesday night in SF (if i’m lucky)
if not
wednesday night (in NYC!)
so if i can get through the rest of the albums
rotating and deleting…
i should be able to upload them all
and post them..
more here when it happens.
… tell me what you think!
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