last week..
what was it… Tuesday?
i went to meet up with this guy i met on line
you know the story..
it was last year sometime
his profile didn’t say much about him
but his pictures were astoundingly hot to me
i emailed him a few times before i heard back
and when i did
he didn’t say much
just
“you’re hot, yeah, let’s meet”
i made a point of making sure it happened this month that i’ve been back
went i went out to see him last week..
Friday i think it was
rainy
cold
deserted!
far out in brooklyn
far…
N train nearly to Coney Island
— it’s where he grew up.
polish/russian/jewish/irish? something like that
i got off the train and walked the short few blocks to his house
empty streets
i tagged a Hummer2
and a father was trying to make his child come inside
yelling
yelling louder
“GET THE FUCK INSIDE”
always makes me feel like a battered child when parents yell at their children
… especially fathers and sons…
so i was feeling vulnerable when i got to his house
… and the flashes of “Mysterious Skin” were pulsing through me
it occurred to me i had no idea who this guy was
and was he going to rape my ass?
i was terrified
lonely
cold..
he welcomed me in
in his wife beater
fu-man-chu
the TV was on
condoms
on
twinkies
with
crisco
sliding in and our
Mute
it made me shuffle.
i took my coat off and sat down next to him on the leather sofa
the art prints on the walls
dangling colourful things
jewish glass chachkas
who was this guy?
and smoking a joint with him didn’t help
i started vocalizing my confusion
my concern
he played along: not telling me who he was
keeping secrets..
but letting me know
he could feel everything going on my body
and he was going to give me what i needed
i turned the TV off
when we got undressed
he told me he was born the Ideas of March
picese…
he layed his heavy body down on top of me
heat radiating into me
crushing me into the couch
weighing me down
placing me there
holding me there
he said
“i don’t do this sort of thing… but it’s what your body wants”
he could feel everything
and i could feel him feeling
and i could feel everything
and it made me want to cry
or run
or something
like i hadn’t been feeling my body in months
or years
or forever
i don’t remember
why not?
maybe it was just the marijuana with sex
which is always confounding to me
i called him a conundrum
he kept thinking i was insulting him
he was playing
with critisisms
telling me how i wasn’t sucking dick right, etc…
letting me know i wasn’t hot shit
bossing me around
making me serve him..
as i wanted to
but i was so emotionally confused
and the more i felt him
felt him feeling me
felt his responses to my feelings
i just flipped out
and desperately wanted to give myself over to him..
Ach!
“love”
that silly confusing thought…
it was alright
that night
we fit together
and he told me i was directing the show..
i felt like i did when i was riding those horses in mongoila:
this huge powerful beast could kill me in an instant
but was letting me be in control..
as much as i ever am.
…
when i left him at 6 am that day
the whole world was comming to light as i went to visit a friend in town from Istanbul
offering me a visit…
everything seemed pretty exciting
and i wrote him thanks
and felt such a strong pull to him.
and then i saw him again last night..
lots of TV
no pot
conversation
warmth
more training
critisim
cuddling
but i was still scared
this time
more scard of “falling in love”
in a stupid way
i noticed that my heart was free again
i have pulled it’s roots in from the places i had planted it
it’s mine
and i’m always aching to give it away..
so when i was having sex with him last night
i was careful not to let him inside
i guess
my body has always been smarter than i
— if i fell in love now
i would just be distracted an mournful all month in CA and Peru
and what good would that do?
i still had a great time with him
but by the light of the morning
i just saw how incompatible we are
yeah
Friends
yeah…
Friends.
coz i need some friends
in this city…
what am i doing in this city?
not me
but when i got off the V train
waiting for my F
wondering if i should just walk the last stop…
a big (kinda cute) drunk black guy starts the play on me
braying and slurring “i was supposed to catch the train..”
i thanked my lucky iPod
and just waved my hands in front of my face
adn walked away
in time to greet the F train coming into land…
and when i got off that train
passing through the turn styles out
three cops
drunk homeless guy spattered at the bottom of the stairs
one cop bends down, extends his hand to help the guy up..
and how many others did i see today?
i felt like there were hunderds on the Uppe West Side
as i walked up from 96th
had breakfast with the Children of Light
and then walked back down to 83rd or 4th or 5th…
but maybe it was just the cold
the grey
maybe it was the advertisement for Japanese Single Malt Scotch
maybe it was the lack of sleep
the waking up so early
then back to sleep
then long train ride in
maybe it’s the movie being shot right outside my house
“Across the Universe”
a 60’s/70’s Musical (all music by the Beatles)
that has turned my intersection into a mockery of St Mark’s Place / Haight…
every time i come home… or walk out the door
my long hair flying
everyone in the cast and crew stares at me
Glares!
“Sorry, we’re just making images here… who’s this guy? and where’d he come from?”
My Rent was doubled today
i don’t know how much longer i want to be in this city.
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