“the nipples aren’t so much a sexual stimulant
as they are an emotional one..”
i said to him, trying to explain something..
it’s odd: his body is ..
just one of the hottest!
i mean
i like a few different Types of bodies
but
for his model
he’s just one of the greatest..
a Gnome Porn Star
really.
but the sex is very much
just sex.
like all the guys at Daddies Night Out a few nights ago
they were all just Types…
yeah?
and the guys i played with before that…
the sex was just sex…
poppers in hand..
it felt funny
like i was going through a ritual
knowing there were no believers in the crowd..
That’s EnTerTainMent!
…
and who were the others in NYC that i’ve had Good Sex with?
well..
it’s been in Dynamics…
for lack of Love or Emotions..
specifically my Italian Daddies..
No Emotions
all of them
we recognize there is a gap between us
Where i End and You Begin
(—–)
and love fell down there somewhere..
we both recognize a heart could fit in that space
that we could reach across it (like god to adam)
and love could flow
down the river of emotion
but that doesn’t happen.
instead
we have varying degree of Scene
Story.
Daddy/Boy
Daddy/Boy is really Hot
it is
it’s Really Hot
but it’s kinda fake
i mean
we’re playing something
and it really doesn’t Really matter who either of us are
there is no longevity… no continuity, in fact
it’s a fragment of both/either of our desires
that connect
something dead
half-forgotten..
: A Memory
that when we come together
is alive.
sorry, is “alive”
.
[ “ain’t it a Bitch – – Sorting out our – – Sordid Lives” ]
this week
i really wanted to spend every night with a specific friend having a real emotional connection
i wonder if we both want it so much it becomes forced or fake?
i’m on the look-out for Phonies because of Holden…
— i didn’t see him every night
i only saw him once
and that night
my need was so raw
so desperate
i was afraid i would scare him or repulse him
but he seemed to have patience and presence for me
— for a moment of not being judged or judging
then, yes, sleeping with a Friend…
i had a friend staying with me last weekend
and it was really great
the first night we slept together
we slept well, and close
comfortable immediately
and in the morning
we woke early
but spent almost the entire day in bed together
and it wasn’t Hot Fucking or whatever
it was play and closeness..
and yes, after the Sex part of it
the sex just dropped away
(for me, at least… because it wasn’t a fragment.. it was alive and strange… so i was looking for something else in it… maybe i was looking for life)
(for him, the sex was still there: he was looking for something else)
he was looking for love
that completeness
in fact
the life and reason to continue his story in a new vector
— he didn’t find it in me
and he was very saddened by it
similarly
i was very saddened by his sadness
neither of us were in the wholeness of reality:
he was searching for something so real
that looking for it makes it disappear
i was doing my best to stay open to what he was
and it wasn’t one of my usual puzzle pieces…
and
in all my situations like this
oddly enough
the relationship takes a Long Time to grow
it doesn’t just happen right away
there was a potential there…
but there was an apprehension… a Fear
because i could feel what he Wanted from me
and i just couldn’t play that [so quick]…
(it’s the same thing i felt from everyone in california, actually…)
——–
wow
that moon is full
makes it hard to go to sleep
when there is so much to be seen.
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