but i got to ride my bike across town to give a massage
and i’m glad i can help
glad i can listen and dissect
and give advice
and watch people do the same
over and over
and have patience
and wash my hands clean
OK
i’m glad
it’s not me
but hey
i..
i got my own world to live through.
Man…
i love Yoga
to learn of how to use my body
how to be in my body
and then feel how my body gives to me
so happy to greet me again
as a friend
i love doing yoga with friends
to share that exstacy with them…
man
i’ve got so much sadness
we walked from yoga to a restaurant
and there were three men trying to suck us into theirs…
i dodged around
and went into the one we wanted
and it was excellent
they gave us three free apitizers!
and a small scoop of luscious mango icecream…
they knew what we wanted…
good good…
but our conversation…
he told me that he was in a closed relationship..
and three months ago we met and rolled around
and lifted eachother up
sweat dripping from every corner
laughing and licking and
conversation rolling out…
yeah
fine
but i don’t want to be a part of anyone’s lies..
especially not someone i’m creating love with..
so i told him i’d rather be a part of his life
be his friend
than have sex with him
oh
he was sad
i was sad
but that’s what is…
and
i laughed
sharp like a knife
(he said)
i said
“i take what i can get”
and i have a glut of hot men who i can have hot sex with
and no affection
and no friendship
not OK with me
not nourishing..
on recipe doesn’t work…
try another!
but we walked back to the apartment
and i had to be somewhere
but we were so tired
had to change clothes
so
naked
lying in bed
“this is such a bad idea”
— i’d never say anything like that
and our arms and legs were draped over eachother
and he wanted to kiss me
but i kept my lips closed
yet when i curled up into his arms
with my head on his chest
i felt like i was breaking and everything in me wanted to cry out…
cry
but i didn’t cry
that’s not what i do
and it’s not about him
he said
“you’re a happy guy!”
yeah, i’m a happy guy
sure
but i’m also a pissed off guy
and a sad guy
and a funny guy
i’m a many-different-things guy.
so he asked me what i’m sad about
what i’m angry about
but those stories are old and tired
more
i expressed
i’m concerned with the fact that i have No Satisfying Relationships
i always feel ignored
or stifled
or bored
or some strange power dynamic that i don’t want…
and i’m sure it’s my fault
i’m sure i should understand
that This Type of Partnership
is based on a strange imbalance
CoDependDance
and i don’t want that
i’m not ready for that
so i’m angry and sad
and i take what i can get
but i want more.
isn’t that just me?
i’ve always been like that: always want more.
well
anyway
i felt like crying on his chest
but it wasn’t about him not being able to have sex with me
or be open with me
or really
have me in his life
coz that’s really it
i don’t think he’ll pull me through into his life
why?
i’m a fantasy.
don’t want to burst that bubble..
— i feel like everything i’m saying lately is UnFair.
i typed a long email to Eli last night
sad, angry, acusatory…
letting him off the hook
then jabbing him with it again
dumb: i didn’t sent it.
but why bother?
these relationships..
they’re like this
they will always be like this
what is it in me that believes that?
IT WILL ALWAYS BE THIS WAY!
when
of course
it will not
and is not.
it isn’t!
not at all!
it’s a million different ways
and it’s shifting all the time
i don’t have to go to another country to experience it different
i CAN
sure
but i can always find this there too…
and he agreed with me:
i just need to sit with it
sit with my pain
he said he’d hold me
let me cry it out
sit with the pain
and i’ll see it’s not all that big..
whatever it is
but i don’t believe him.
no one ever sits with me.
not even me!
but what’s not that big?
the whole world?
that’s my sliver
but hey… it’s also my silver.
SO yeah
i’m back in NYC
of the three nights i’ve been back
i’ve spent all three watching movies
the first
a badly edited TV version (with lots of commercials) of “Deep Blue Sea”
it keeps repeating in my head:
What Does an 8000 pound Maco dream of?
but
more importantly
i watched “Oliver Twist” last night
and “Corpse Bride” tonight.
the latter i found entertaining and fun
but it didn’t really spike much in me
Oliver, however
brought up loads of nostalgia…
when i lived in England when i was 17
i had the best cockney accent in my acting troup
community theater
so
in a review
i played the Artful Dodger singing “Consider Yourself”
— that’s all i ever knew about the story…
seeing Polanski’s version of it, however
brought up all sorts of turmoil
better than Aunti Mame
— i never imagined some beautiful woman sweeping me away into a life of Fabulosity
but
i would go to catholic church as a boy
staring at the men
gray beards and mustache’s
protruding british upper lips
my heart begging they would turn out their hand to me at the end of mass
and take me home with them
where they would teach me to be Civilized and Intelligent
how to use words properly
books to read…
not drink beer and shout at sports games on the TV all night
not yet at me out of ignorant frustration… when present
mostly being absent..
like my own father…
the story of a lost boy
with so many options
dark and light
and the struggles to find his place in them.
——
i’ve not read the book
so can’t really compare
and N has read it… and seen a few different film versions of it…
he noted how Mute polanski’s Oliver was…
subjected to so much of what happened to him
hardly affecting action himself…
sometimes… we do
sometimes we are..
i came away from the viewing feeling i had some universal understanding of something at the tips of my fingers
but
in the long train ride home
and distracted conversations
i lost it…
had dreams of some communal living situation
where all of my compatriots were devoured by a red-dust devil alien
that turned them into Jello incubation machines
evil and cartoonish
searching for nests for their progeny
and Sheridan and i were the only ones left
trying desperately to convince the to stop
trying to contain them
trying to rid the earth of them
and
eventually understanding there was no hope
fleeing
through the construction zones outside of the house
the potential sub-divisions in every direction
chased by the fluid red fiends…
i yelled to her
the only way to avoid them
was to fly
and lifted off the ground…
my magic
of course
being spontaneous…
she had to sit down
do a meditation and ritual
which frustrated me
to the point of having to understand she needed to do things her way
and i needed to escape.
57 days uptime
the computer was only put to sleep
never shut down
finally cleared all the windows
updated everything
and have restarted it a few times now.
i’m in Pittsburgh
i’m leaving tomorrow (TODAY!)
i’ll be back in NYC on wednesday
… i’ll rest a little bit there, i promise
i’m aching to be home.
—-
it’s been a long time since i’ve had sex with the same man so many times.
slept with the same man
night after night
it’s been a long time…
i’d like to be alone now.
sleep alone now.
my teeth hurt
my breath tasted like Limburger yesterday
i want to cuddle
love
comfort
enjoy
but it’s hot
sticky
— i can’t sleep
my body is sore
— i’m tired.
i worry:
it’s just the grass.
i’m terrified of the future!
i don’t have any idea what a man i would live with would be like
i don’t want to have sex anymore
please let me stop
i’m terrified.
i’ve been doing yoga a lot lately
you know
just since i’ve got here
i’m the Yogi
i am teaching him
i know more than they do
i know more than many people
blah blah blah
i’m terrified
i mean
i’m not in very good shape
when i got to the west coast
i was skinny
but isn’t that what the east coast does to you?
isn’t that what i wanted?
to be Tempered
to be hardened a bit
polished…
i got my beard trimmed
my hair trimmed
i was a bit thinner
they could all feel it
well
i’m fatter now
i’ve been under a lot of stress
the family
the patterns
the prospects
i pronounce such judgements
so simple
the chaos
the war
the death
blowing leaves: it’s Autumn.
water collected in a red/orange/yellow/green leave
curled at the edges
stagnant pond
junkies
man walking his two little dogs:
see that little lamb run
bound along the waterside
lost somewhere
making phone calls
it’s apparent that they are angry at me for abandoning their story
now they have nothing real to do with their lives!
and do i?
what am i doing?
what will i do?
what can i do?
find replacements for them?
get on with the Will of being gay?
buy things?
die?
get rich and old?
settle down?
what do i imagine is a possibility?
right now i’m tired
body’s sore
from doing yoga
— when i hadn’t been
from not sleeping enough
having too much sex
taking on too much
being under stress
i just want to go home and rest
don’t feel it calling to me
why don’t i just stay here?
“now that you’ve found me”
breaks my heart. (where ever i left it)
fall back into my brother’s arms (the water bed in the guest room)
the cat comes down and makes love to me
massaging my Hara with his paws
slight claws
then up to my neck
digging in further
like hypodermics administering some medicine
pushing hard against my lymph glands
pulsing
kissing my chin
then pumping my chest
looking for life.
i left because i’ve been looking for life
now i feel like i’ve lost it somewhere along the way
-0———-
we have
what some people refer to
as Love
for one another
—————0
accidently left my self logged into bear411
(i’d only logged in to send an email to someone i knew already)
left my self logged in all day today..
on my account here in indiana…
from about 2pm til about 2 am
68 fucking messages
damnit!
i just got a massage from my mom.
she wanted to the morning after i worked on her
but i worked on her for three hours
and she needed her rest after that
so tonight
we made a date
though i couuld have run off to get some dick
i stuck around
and she had a migrane
so couldn’t work on me
and that was sad
but
OK
i hugged her and said
‘it’s alright, mom, i’m used to people… especially people who say they love me
telling me they’ll do something nice for me..
and not being able to…
no, it’s alright… i’ve learned not to rely on anyone…
Oh, i’m just kidding!’
[yeah, right.]
so i gave more music to my sister
and updated my dad’s iPod
and drank a glass of dandylion wine
and talked with my mom
she said
“have you ever taken on someone’s pain?”
like
“have you ever breathed air?”
‘yeah..’
and i lectured
enough for her to realize, as she already knew, that this headache was from working on a girl at the store today who had a headache
and it wasn’t hers
and when you realize the shit you’ve taken on isn’t yours
it’s really easy to let go of
because it doesn’t belong to you: nothing for it to stick to..
in a few minutes
she was totally better
so
Wha-LA
she gave me a massage
and it was nice
nice to be massaged by mom
yeah
she did things i’d not had done in a while
and things i’d never had done
and i taught her some of the things no one has ever done to me
it felt great…
but as she started to work on my back
i guess it opened up my heart
and i felt sad
so so sad
where the fuck am i?
and where should i go?
and where is my home?
do i want to live in New York or Tennessee or England or California?
fuckhellshitfuckin not in Indiana
what the fuck is up with my lovers?
fuck you guys, you know who you are.. all ov you
fuck you for ignoring me so much and leaving me lonely
“where do we go from here? the words are comming out all weird… Where Are You Now… When i need you….?”
i keep meaning to write about this
but keep forgetting to..
and i just got a massage
so i’ll write about it now:
i often notice that when i go to work on someone
they might be kinda ugly…
now
i don’t really think anyone is “ugly”
and hardly ever use the world
but i mean
UpTight
pinched faces
nervous
holding lots of mousy energy
maybe bitchy… Mean…
something that makes them think they’re ugly
cut off
needing to hire someone to touch them
(massage should be a luxury, not a necessity… well, i like to think of it that way…)
but when i start working on pretty much Anyone
they start to relax
and i shower them with love
and
even the most pinched bitter faces
relax
and the grace of god flows through them
and they are Beautiful
everyone is beautiful
if they let themselves be…
like at harbin hot springs
the people stripping off their clothes
stepping into the warm waters
surrounded by beautiful naked bodies
they relax
enjoy
are Naked!
seen!
beautiful
as the happiness rises
so does the beauty
and they shine that
and share that
and other people
maybe nervous
see them
with their whole body..
whole self
and relax
and laugh
and smile
and become beautiful
Beautiful.
“i need my conscience to keep watch over me
to protect me from myself
so i can wear honesty
like a crown on my head
as i walk into
the promised land
…”
— American Dreaming, Brenden Perry (dead can dance)
laying on the table
it occurred to me that the word
“Conscience”
means “with sentience” or “with awareness”
when people talk about it as a seperate thing
is that because they are bumbling around like pinballs
bouncing off of experiences in life
while their Awareness (eternal, omnicient) is talking to them
yelling at them
waving hand and jumping up and down
trying to give them a clue of what’s happening to them…
has all my struggles with trying to understand morality (and fit into the human race in general) come from the fact that i don’t have a “conscience”
but that my ego IS my awareness…
or
rather
i spend a good deal of time as my awareness
and
indeed
work on unifying the two?
(yoga; other meditations…)
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