he said
“you have a knack for attracting people to you who have the same pathologies as you
but are less aware, less in control
so you can point the finger
instead of doing your own shit”
‘i USED TO!’
i defended
‘ i am weeding them out of my life, hardly have any left ‘
i paused, my mind knowing i was not entirely being truthful about that one
‘ i’m still learning ‘
he said
” Yeah?
well
you can only do second grade so many times…
besides
you don’t need to score a 100 on every test ”
i said
‘ but i’m working on it
i got an apartment here
first one i’ve ever had like this…
not my own yet… but first rent i’ve paid since ’99
— i’m being stationary for a while
so i can acheive all the things i want to acheive
that i can only do while i’m standing still ‘
” but you’re not doing that ”
‘ what? ‘
” you’re not doing that, are you?
you haven’t been here since you’ve been here ”
‘well, i’ve been to Tennessee and boston and philly… but i’m HERE
i’m Based here
.. it’s inertia
i’ve gotta slow down before i can settle
i’m slowing… ‘
he said
“you should take some writing courses”
the idea hadn’t even occurred to me!
“that’s your passion. you want to be a writer, don’t you?”
‘ i am a writer… i don’t want to be a fucking journalist! ‘
“what, you don’t want to write editorials.. only want to write about yourself?”
he said
” it’s time you started living your passion
not just jumping into
and surfing on the passion of other people you encounter in the world ”
– i feel like he’s not known me since i was 19…
and
as i’ve often witnessed in relationships
ours will always be the same as the day we met
Fixed
but i’ve grown.
he said
” you should get yourself a therapist ”
i make snide
dismissive comments
but then say
‘ i’ve been thinking about it
everyone else seems to have one in this town … ‘
i’m scared, aren’t i?
he says
” i once told you there are those who can do it alone and others that need help…
but it’s really hard to give yourself a heart operation or brain surgery ”
he said
” it’s not healthy!
you’re having sex with these men
and that is the main event
that’s what their paying for
not how good of a massage you give
and it’s not good for your..”
he holds his hand vertical in front of his face and stammers
‘ my integrity ‘
“Yeah!”
right.
” you should be doing that with people you love and care for
and there should be no dollar amound…
anywhere NEAR it!
you’re all about pleasing these older men
and sex for sex
and it’s giving yourself away
and it’s wasting
…
and you’ve got such potential…
but maybe that’s all it’s ever gonna be
who the fuck are you?
do you know who you are?
go find out who you are!
”
“we’ve all been waiting”
they said.
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