… take a shower
lay down
close my eyes for a few moments
jump up erect at 6:23 am!
walk, yes, walk
up to 12th street
yes i am
gonna rent a car!
first time i ever rented a car ever!
wow
gonna
i’magonna
wait
and meet these two other kids
and we’re gonna drive down to Tennesse
short mountain
know what that means, kids?
i’m off the grid for a few days (a week?)
i really need some time barefoot and naked in the trees
yeay for us.
— i’ve been making puppets
i’ve been VERY TIRED
spending every day hashing out the details
creating things
telling a story:
[simple]
Packaged food is poisonous to your health
be aware of what you put in your body
be involved with your nourishment
include your community
.
Good!
i’m so tired!
Bridget has been tired too
we are easily irritable when tired.
she fights with her boyfriend
they argue
they talk
they spend time talking
they would talk all about it!
i would get irritated with all the talking
but really
i would be jealous.
they Like this
what’s better
they LEARN from it
they both admit that it’s profitable
and they are appreciative of eachother’s input.
but my relationships.. NOOOOOO
No. Leo wouldn’t really respond.
Robert and Trevis would get Angry and Sullen
others just wouldn’t comprehend
i’m jealous of what they have
it’s painful to see the struggle
but it’s so beautiful
to see them growing.
i watch
i’m glad to be around them
because i am not in a relationship right now
i wonder if i’d like to be?
slide in skin-to-skin in the dark of night…
but didn’t i come here, kinda
to be in a relationship?
yes yes
but mostly with my self
addmittedly
…
but there is a boy here who i love dearly
not in a weird desperate way
not like that at all
i just love him
i just want him in my life
i just want to be in his
i want conversations and arguments
i want us to chase eachother through the park
i want to get gleaming with sweat with him
— it’s good to want things.
today
making the puppet show
fixing the stage
walked through Bed-Sty
Nostrand to Fulton
turn left
find the hardware store
all the black people calling out “jesus”
whispering it under their breath
joking
serious.
i buy dowel rods
i buy curtain rods
at the counter
i see leather-key-rings with astrology names printed on them
i don’t realize this
at first
i only see the name “Leo”
i deliberate…
upon realization
i pull of the Leo anyway
— extra rings scatter to the floor
i pay $1.50 for it
odd thing to do
why?
do i want a Leo in my life?
do i want to be my own Leo?
July 17th…
tonight is the full moon
well, the opposition is tomorrow at 6:06 in the morning
sun in taurus, moon in scorpio
lunar eclipse.
a perfect time for sex magic
but i’m so tired
i will just sleep and cuddle with Fritter
a faery friend who is visiting this big city
(to see Spam-a-Lot)
i will wake when i wake
maybe things will be clearer in the morning
making puppets…
sleepy…
wiping the paper maché
reading the strips of newspaper
she-males?
tits and ass
tits and ass
village voice
painting
sewing
hot glue
burning fingers
blisters
experiementing:
i can do anything if i… Try
i can do it.
sometimes i do.
very tired now
when i’m this sleep deprived
i turn into a total asshole
so
it’s time to get to bed
huuuuuuuuuu
i was in england again
in school
(i didn’t sleep very well last night, there was a boy in my bed who wanted to cuddle with me and i didn’t feel comfortable with it: didn’t feel confidant. i was tired. laying on my back wishing for peace. he was in turmoil- it was late)
i was trying to get acquainted with the large long halls
the old building
i had already made friends with the Headmaster…
( a large bearded fellow [yeah, right])
i found my way to class
and the Teacher immediately noticed i didn’t need to be there
and tried to find me something else to do
we went to talk to the Headmaster
he agreed, from the side of his face
“yes, why don’t you send him to Office Depot to create copies of the school’s Hard Drives and pay him $200”
which i played down, but was grateful for
it didn’t happen
somewhere in a shift
i walked around the school
down stairs was a pool area
large pool, green waters
hot tubs
sauna
everyone was staring at me
small jaccuzzi
where a mother was nursing her child
as i walked by
i slipped
and my foot fell in the water
! — did i kick her?
as i lay on the cold wet tiles
i was glad my boot was gore-tex and wouldn’t leak…
( i woke up with drool on my arm: he’s still sleeping.. i should get to work finishing the puppets… )
“this is the beard
i’m always growing”
i was thinking about
butch
and what they say
they must mean something else
feeling
i was wondering what i was wanting
feeling
Hungry!
and lustring
grinding my teeth
sucking at it
yapping
and eating
hungry
i was biting for it
and
tired
made myself tired from such striving
at nothing
wholly holey
ugh
UGH UGH!
long: so What.
what was sexy
what i wanted
some
CONFIDENCE
or
CONfiDANCE
Yeah!
boring
tired
said
“it’s boring to starve”
here’s my quotes of the year:
“starving is a boring way: starving is Boring”
and
“i am naturally a crazy person”
she laughed
but what do you do with people who’s lips would scrape the floor with heavy i-lids
doesn’t it get tiring?
i’m tired of it
i’m sure.
sexy
self-assured someone
want someone who’s OK with feeling and being
pushing and pulling
stand up and say
“Yeah: i Am”
that’s right.
OK.
nothing about saying and demanding things
not about that
i’ve got a friend i can sleep with
quote bob:
“…skin to skin, de-charging the fury of the day.”
… there’s so much i’d like to write about:
the cristian science mother church
eating at a shared table with colleged faculty? talking about Fresh Air and Gene Symons
indian buffet
Boston.
hey everyone
i’m in boston
and i’m really feeling the fact that i’m not writing enough
so i’ll get back to you soon
promise!
UGH
Today is a day i try to give myself Peace
don’t work myself up over things
relax
spend time alone
the door is shut
i didn’t go to sleep early last night
didn’t wake up too late today
but have done very little
but walk up on the roof
let my robe flap open
take in a bit of sun and wind:
beautiful day
must focus on updating my journal, not just what comes through the downloading program
(laughs)
i’ve had a lot to say
i’ve just been falling through the city
earth’s spinning faster than my feet
running circles like a cartoon road runner
feet not touching the ground
but working hard
spinning faster
i’ll hit the ground soon
and amble on
but currently
exhausted
tired boy
just got back from the hamptons
where’s my baby?
doesn’t pic up the phone
Merc
i know you’ll be back in just a few days
golly
i’m tired of this
it’s so much nicer to sleep with a bud…
hello all
— i’ll back date a bunch of the fragments i’ve been working on over the last week/+
i went out to East Hampton with a friend
a guy i talked with just a month ago
met up with
and had a good connection with.
a Lawyer
an Italian
quite a daddy
good heart
but i feel he’s protecting himself (from me?)
and though he’s really hot
he’s never had a long term relationship more than a few years
and though that’s not something i’ve even accomplished
i feel like someone in their 60’s should have
(for some reason)
if not a husband
at least
“well, there is this guy i’ve been friends with for 20 years… we have lots of sex and do lots together… we just haven’t ever done the living-together-married-thing”
i mean
i don’t know if i’ll ever have a husband
but i want consitant lovers
so i’ve taken him as one
— i wonder if he knows that?
driving over 70 on the L.I.E. out to the south fork
swirving around cars
he’d yell at them
— i’d massage his forearm
(the lyrics in the song i’m hearing right now — MarketFresh by Broken Social Scene — say over and over ” i could have mattered if you let me ” )
we got to his little cabin among the millions of dollars houses
i felt like i needed to help bring the breath in
we opened the windows and doors
moth balls running around the walls
i found the tools
and scrapped out the leaves piled in the corners of the outside of the house
deck
water leaks
floor shakes
doors falling apart
“i’ve been waiting for another guy to come along to motivate me to fix this all up”
with such a co-dependant attitude, how could he not jump from relationship to relationship?
i realize i am in new territory
Men do not function out here like they do in California
not like in Europe
not like in my generation
or even 20 years before this one
i’m learning
i’m listening
what’s the deal?
he smokes pot all the time
and no, he’s not a Leo, he’s a Taurus
and i end up in the same position i’ve talked about with my other Important Taurus i just left
but i did smoke some pot
and i gave myself the mental intention of “let’s make this a transmission”
meaning, i wanted the sexual energy to really imbue me
marijuana magic
laying on top of him
i started melting into him
sliding into him
and with his cock down my throat
i kept sucking it deeper
breathing less air
and more just raw energy comming from that wand..
when he came
it was like breathing
and it washed through my whole body
— went on for about ten minutes
i don’t know
i felt in a place of power
arranged the energy from below and above
nourished he and i
balanced
enriched
yeah
then gave him mine
through his chest
back into me
simple
some people i feel like i could cuddle forever and ever
and shouldn’t all sex just be a precurser to spending 7 hours in bed
naked
touching eachother at a billion little points
words flowing through ears and lips
dreaming in and out…
everyone in this city has to get up
and go.
i walked barefoot in the sand
got a chill…
there was an awkwardness the whole time
would be off-putting if it weren’t for the accompanying familiarity
alright.
so it goes.
the drive home left me exhausted
though i was still very much in service mode
(i’ve been exploring this lately, talk about it other back-logues of the last week or two)
so lay my head in his lap while he was stuck in the night traffic
i made some phone calls
i wanted to lay in bed and watch movies with a friend
but didn’t reach him
so i got home
exhausted
but stayed up til four anyway
— sucked off some guy on the roof
found him on criagslist
interesting fellow
hot italian
— everything is the potential for a friendship
do we have the time and energy?
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