dreams have been thick lately
i don’t even remember what i woke up to yesterday
i remember it being pedstrianly important
to figure the right way to stab some one so they’d die with minimal fuss
what the fuck is that about?
but last night was the night of the new moon
and i read myself to sleep by reading the intro to Delany’s “the motion of light on water”
— he makes a distinction between what we remember and what actually happened
and how important each are.
it took a while to get to sleep
so i tuned into the energy coarsing through my body…
finding my way back to this world went like this:
i was living with my parents again
they had a huge conference centre out on a peninsula by a stormy sea
the grey and rain
the waves crashing below
the lush green
i was talking with my mother and she was asking me how my last semester at university was going
i had to admit to her that i’d hardly been going to any classes
just writing and art
or philosphy?
music?
she didn’t look dissapointed
just asked how i was enjoying them
and was i going to fail the rest of them?
my father walked in
and class was about to start
aslo
i’d not been attending classes here regularily
i was dressed in olive-drab long-johns
with a red jumper on
i was quite surprised to turn around and noticed the rest of the class was dressed in the same colour scheme
only slightly different clothing…
the class was kinda like yoga
but it was about developing discipline
about moving the body around the world
aligned with emotion and intention
i was getting lost in the motion
when i leaned out over the floor
and noticed that many of the boards had fallen into the sea
(*cut to a shot from the sea, show the cove*)
i remembered then that the penisula had a cove in it
and the ocean came right up to the floor of the house
some of the boards were 12 feet or more under water
the water was flush with the still intact boards
the rest of the students were gone
had they fallen in
i gazed down
huge floor boards
ceiling fan
glowling lightly under the dark murky ocean green
i started grabbing boards and trying to haul them up
catch them as they were breaking off and falling down
it was so dark down there
it could have gone on forever…
i had many slats of wood over my shoulders
and began to climb one of the carpeted walls
edging my fingers into the tops of the walls where the carpet curled before it reached the ceiling
the wood was falling off me
the floor was falling away
i was really tired of struggling
and just lay back on the wall
and gravity shifted for me
so i wouldn’t fall
and i relaxed and rested
———————————
sometimes i sleep with my eyes open
i mentioned this to someone recently
(the german farmer who was visiting, actually: he said he used to sleep with one lazy eye open… when he was a kid … i used to sleep walk too)
but didn’t know if i still did it
coz no one had mentioned it lately
but there are few dreams i remember from the past
where what my eyes saw while i was sleeping
was incorporated into my dream
thus
the large red-wood floor and ceiling fan was what was just above me in the bed
the fan
and the rich ceader wood of the ceiling..
i’ve been hauling in large boards from the old red-wood deck Leo had demolished this summer
we’ve been burning them
staring into the flames
the violent
controlled
unmaking
of nature
what took hundreds of years to make
undone before me in only minutes; hours
so much history
so many lessons whispered if listened to
or is that just the hiss of the water evaporating?
Ok ok ok
now wait a second
i don’t want any of you to think that i’m an advocate of coupling up
that’s not what i was intending…
but we’ve all got to start somewhere, eh?
being that my fetish is Connection
and i’m a bit of a slut
my logical end is having a family of people i have sex with
well, make love with
it’d be really cool if there were 12 of us or something
not all of us would relate to eachother the same way
but having a few in there
you know
i’ve heard about this
i know it can work
i dream it can work, so it must.
i just watched a film called “About a Boy”
i only rented it because “Badly Drawn Boy” did the soundtrack
and i like his work…
and the novel was written by Nick Hornby, right?
anyway
it was kinda a crap romanic-comedy
good music anyway
and every story is some fragment of the truth, right?
great bits in it:
there’s this 12 year old boy who’s mother tries to Off herself one day
he comes to the realization
that he can’t leave her alone
coz she might do it again
and then he’d be left alone:
there’s always got to be someone watching
or someone for a back-up
film ends (happy) with a big mis-matched family over for christmas
of single-parents and punk kid and hippy telephone operator
Great, huh?
but the whole idea of it is a good message
especially how the story weaves in this cocky british guy explaining up and down how he needs no one
he’s got his life filled up with meaningless activities
it’s fun to see him get caught in a trap he’s created
and is forced to experience his feelings
so the other bit that hit me was how he realizes that he’s Nothing
and where that was always nice before
as soon as he met some he actually LIKES
finds her interesting… she spins his heart and leaves him feeling stupid and “in-love”
he realizes he has nothing to draw her into his life
coz he doesn’t have a life
just watching TV and buying things
i, momentarily, was carried on that wave
but came off it pretty quick
realizing i DID have a life and interesting things in it
but even writing this right now
derails me a bit:
i had some anonymous guy comment on one of my postings while i was in NYC this October
and he made that very accusation: that i had no life
i
of course
got tipped off into my insecurities about it
i’d have to admit that he was pretty exacting about laying out my weaknesses
and shadowing all of my acheivments
and it only took a day or two to pass
which gets back to something in my heart
where i know it is a strong drive not only for me to have a life to Impress and Attract interesting people into my life
but to also then be able to share these things with them
i assume it’s the same kinda drive my dad has to obtain things that look really materially impressive
big house, expensive car, etc…
just our different values
and this movie is kinda about that
a character making a shift from superficial material possesions to actually having a life based on human interraction and emotional gratification
all of this making a slight paper-cut on my finger when i think about my own difficulties with relationships
‘ i love you, keep your distance.. but hang around… i want a hug.. but not for too long . . . ‘
hmmm
tired of being emotionally retarded
(is this where this was going? i guess so)
[yeah for journaling]
but
[sigh]
here i am on planet earth in the body of Dominic
and workin on it
(however feebly i am…)
i need to get a good script writer in here that will cast a scene like that for me, eh?
[actor or writer, boy, which one ya wanna be?]
-[can’t we colaborate?]-
so
today i was presented with a challenge
i came to a deeper understanding of this whole Seattle journey
when, writing to a friend in Prague, i realized i had no intention of actually staying and living in Seattle
None
i’ve been making plans for months to head to Europe in the summer
and visit old friends
then head south for new amusements
Prague, Greece, Turkey, Iran? India.
what trick am i pulling?
Leo: i’m terrified of the Real intimacy presented there
all the “i love you”s throw me into a catatonic confusion
i jumped at this dream and suggestion as yet another Out
that being said
i have good reasons for not wanting to Commit to him
it’s true: he does not satiate me in the ways i need from my Lover
nor does the Hermitage
though i love it here and Him
i’m growing
and i need more flow
community
different
something else
and the continuing of this journey
the more i need to taste and hear and learn to speak
back and forth, boy
here. now.
i don’t want to hold your heart in my hands
i want to caress it
kiss it
and it’s whole beautiful carcass
but not to own…
i wrote an email to my friend Michael up in Seattle
explaining
and assuring them that i did still want to visit, but did not want to commit to Commiting… that it must be taken in hand as it comes..
he called me and we talked
and he surprised me
he Challenged me
if you are close to me
either from reading All of these words
or knowing me and being with me
you will hear me talk of my interest and desire in Monogamy as a new experience for me
Michael asked me if i would be willing to Take the Test and if we both are on the same side of the coin
to be monogamous while i am with him
well yes, wow
how exciting
so many new facets to explore
i was genuinely excited
and upon hanging up the phone after the hour long conversation
i sat and asked myself about it…
what about all the hot guys in Seattle and Vancouver that have been asking for my visit?
what about all those that i can find…
by trolling the park
surfing the net
compulsively
hmmm
what’s more important
to keep up this compulsive pattern of sex
or put a wrench in it
not by abstinence
but by steady loving
Ha!
Hmmmm
A Challenge
mmmm
Spring time: great time for a Challenge.
Yes.
Ok
Thank you world
here we come.
love as a sexual fetish
i was interrupted in the middle of writing the piece on German Farmers
a man called who wants to meet me
apparently i have an excellent phone voice
lately i’ve had people who want to meet me
massage clients or play partners
calling again and again
just to hear my voice
my visitor earlier this week said he would get hard and swoon every time he heard me on the phone… especially when i was talking to my mother
so this guy calls me again
just talk
i was in the middle of writing
and feeling very explanitory
i feel into explaining
yet again
my experience with Europe
and i got into such great detail!!
:
‘
gay culture will cease to exist when it is no longer necessary
like all sub-cultures
they form sharp and strong
like the head of an arrow
to pierce the armour
but then
why are they still needed?
they are only clung to by those who are fragmented
and can not move on to being whole people
Those in europe…
most queers aren’t queer
they’re normal people
just doing whatever it is that people do
… most often taking care of aesthetics and culture
as faggots have always done
but no longer making much of an issue about it…
but those in the saunas and bars
they will be there every night
well… part of them.
that broken part of them will make love to your boot
your stinky feet
your shitty ass
your thick cheesy cock
your leather-clad legs, chest, shoulders
they will make love to your nipples
and though so near
always miss your heart
as accurate as a surgeon
Fetish
experienced compartmentalized to get the fix
without letting the stream of life wash the whole
on the phone
i said to him
‘ i guess my fetish is love… intimacy… ‘
i fake it
it’s not really fake
but in the moment
it’s so real
i pretend the deepest love
that’s what gets me off
praying for their immortal souls
worshiping their finite bodies with eternity
desperately giving all i have to them
receiving all they are
with the deepest of love and emotion
knowing
with safety
tomorrow i won’t hear from them for months
and the yearning is just another part of the prize
i had dreams with him one night
we were visiting a town as tourists
old lovers
rollercoaster ride
old mining carts
upon entering the shaft
the head room was a tight fit
we had to duck in order to not have our heads cut off
no
it was steele girders
a bridge?
a tunnel?
we came out from underground, yes
and Leo was next to me
we were staring at a cute kid up in the car ahead of us
Leo said
“look at that beautiful boy”
i could see: beautiful
we got out of the cars when the ride stopped
and i chased after the kid to find out who it was
She turned around and looked at me
and i was in rage
and started floating off the ground
the crowd of tourists
startled
looked up
i yelled down at the them
‘ WHEN WILL YOU GET OVER YOUR GENDERS! ‘
and flew off
oh, one more thing to say
did i say this before?
[…checking…]
kinda
i’ll go into it a bit more.
When i was Europe in 2002
the sex was pretty amazing
like a more ideal version of what i experienced in the bath house in portland in 1999
so so so easy to have sex
right?
where is the love?
A guy i had met in the bars and had long conversations with
but no sex
he was a Witch by the name of Joe
always in full biker leathers
long hair, trimmed beard
great mind and pretty good heart
when i came back to amsterdam after travelling round europe for most of the year
he introduced me to his friends at his going away party (moving back to Germany)
as
“the light in the darkness of gay culture”
which i thought was sweet
flattering
i blushed
and felt bad at having givin up loving
(don’t worry folks, he always come back for more)
i only fell in love Twice in Europe
and both times were with German Farmers.
One was Bavarian
he’d sent me emails for a few years, i think, before i ever met him
and all the pictures he’d shown me were Black and White
when he walked up to me on the street in Cologne during Carnival and said
“everyone’s in costume… but i bet you dress like this all the time”
i didn’t recognize him
coz he had the brightest red of perfect mustache
bright eyes
i was kinda speechless
and then he introduced himself
it was months later before i lay down in bed with him
and our sex… our love making
was just rolling around on top of eachother
kissing
Frottage, as it’s called
but so into eachother
oh, some sucking cock
but mostly just mouth
so deep
hearts pounding together
the most precious thing
besides his beautiful body
was his smell
his flavour…
He grew up on a farm
and ran away shortly after his mother died at the age of 15
when he left the farm
he was shocked by the world…
He had never Bough Food nor Clothing
and he found the Clothing and the Food both Terrible
food had no flavour
clothes had no life
everything dead.
he got involved in some company
put on suits
moved up the ranks
made lots of money
and got sick of it during his saturn return
and basically has worked as little as possible since
but living in cities:
it’s too hard to be a farmer and be gay
and he doesn’t want to give up loving men…
so he works out
coz only when he’s using his body
is he happy
Yes
and he uses his body
and he buys organic
and his body smells clean
musky
masculine
manly
what can you say?
the pure heat and health of a man
so hot
i melted
my heart broke with him Daily
“oh, dominic, i can’t do this.. i don’t want to lose my boyfriend…”
he was a Taurus, like Leo, and their boy friends both had the same name
every day he’d break it off
and every night we’d be in love
it was love
it was such love
my body loved his body
the fit
the heat
the taste…
like the swiss-german farmer i met outside of Berne
He came in to meet me at a sauna
he spoke nearly no english
and i spoke even closer to no swiss-german
but upon seeing eachother
grins spread across our faces
and lit up the room
we gravitated and crashed together with glee
and spent a few hours in and out of eachother
ravenously, playfully, seriously, lovingly
the feelings were total
my dreams soared with going to live and work on his farm
a few days later
using language translators and a java chat program
he explained that he had a wife
and i could not go visit him on his farm
the only reason he had a city life at all
was that he was a part-time elevator repair man…
this guy who came last night
he was of Prussian decent
grew up in south Dakota
his father was a farmer
his whole family, back in deutschland
were farmers
‘do you work out’
-he laughs
his body so taught and strong
again
the taste and smell
his balls smelled like musk
not cheese or crotch rot or piss
his skin tasted devine
the sweat
the sweet pheramones lightning down my tongue
i grabbed his huge shoulders in my hands and massaged him
i places my arms around his sturdy frame a thousand different ways
we lay together and breathed
rising and falling with eachother
we synched
we fit together so well
he stuttered out his appreciation
his body speaking more fluently to me
“it’s so nice to find someone who likes to do this”
a few different positions in the night
i thought, before and after sleep, of the conversations where i was glad to have his as a friend
and would invite him up here time after time
and look forward to seeing him every week
but in the morning
he was out like a shot
with only half-hearted explinations
“cell phone’s dead… gotta feed the dogs.. laundry..”
“i haven’t slept that good in a long time…”
he turned
and looked at me
“you look so cute wraped up like that…”
smile on his face made of earth
turned
grabbed his bag
and walked out the door
shutting it snug behind him
broken
searing
grateful
to do it again
another time.
OK
enjoy with Andy Kaufman
i just watched his two short films
“I’m from Hollywood” and
“My Breakfast with Blassie”
about halfway through the “Hollywood” flick
i thought the guy really WAS a genius
to manipulate people’s emotions so bluntly
to go into reality, not Television
and make himself an object of hate
to force it upon him self
in the least subtle of ways!
but they all fell for it
make himself be hated
TV wasn’t good enough
he needed 10,000 screaming people in TN hating him
and the staging his own brutal beating
saying
“will you buy into this?
you like hating, don’t you?
you LIKE seeing people get hurt”
they said YES
but it’s all a show, right?
where is the line?
by pressing so hard for so long
(i guess only a few years, but another 15 minutes later and I was tired of it)
he made sure it was all just a show
he got his wish
he was just as much a professional wrestling star as the rest
bought into the scripts
helped make the scripts
all the silly beatings and shenanegan’s
“Yes, THAT’S Entertainment… That’s ENTERTAINMENT!!!”
but for a minute there
i thought he was asking people if they really wanted to go through with it
and when the answer is yes
“Hate me”
those of us addicted to beatings
self-destruction
wow
i still can’t figure out why it’s so attractive
though i do know
from time to time
i do it
i slide into it and through it
let it course around me
and lick up the blood
… as it were
We want to feel alive
HA!
what a luxury
to be alive
and not feel it
would you buy that for a dollar?
how about 47 years of your life?
Seattle is a go.
i was thinking about it
saying to myself
>> i don’t really need to do that, do i?<<
and got two fortune cookies saying the exact same thing
about how i have a good business venture coming up
Yes
live in seattle for a while
travel?
Michael?
closer to the city
closer to my own
Alone – ness
Leo and i had a custumarily frustrating Mercury Retrograde conversation
which was the first time i saw his Taurian possessiveness
though he did not cop to that…
i did my best to listen
respond
and keep quiet.
eventually we ended up in bed together
alone
one night.
i read to him for a bit
some old story from a '95 RFD about guys in a bath house…
the first facet of "Engine Summer" by John Crowley
warm
we started talking
… i was just going to let it slide…
but he brought it up.
We talked about it for a while
it was good to talk about it
though hard
the type of love we have…
the way he feels
what i feel
i didn't feel like i was making a mistake then
it was very clear
… the clarity of conversation
but now, alone and thinking, the doubts creep in
only because they are supposed to
second guessing is a way of affirming
when it's talked about
it also becomes more real
(unless you're talking about the future, that is)
so i've been walking around today
tidying up the house
moving things outside in the lush wetness
wondering how many books i should take up there…
how many clothes?
should i get a ride with someone from the bay area?
fill the car with some boxes and my bag
plan to be there for at least three months?
a quarter year
is that enough to feel it out?
or should i just go with my back pack
and see how it feels when i arrive
play it out
and come back down to fetch stuff
if that's neccessary
got a few weeks
moon waning
mercury retrograde
asking us about our travels and experiences
stay home
and rest
a few massage clients coming up
resting
and wondering
staring at the fire
and tying things up.
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