When i came back from England at the age of 18
i very quickly Died back in Indiana
there were many many nights of being drunk to vomit and blackness
in an effort convince myself i didn’t do what i had just done:
come back to indiana.
the summer was endlessly depressing
with “old friends” occasionally coming over to see me again
hear my stories
— it didn’t last long because i was so fucking misearable that most of them didn’t make that mistake twice
this girl i used to know
— all you fags of my generation know her
: she’s kinda short, very round
a goth girl
and making me mix tapes explaining how much she’s in love with me.
(she was the first person to put false eye-lashes on me and do me up in full goth make-up)
She decided she was leaving Indiana
going to go live with a cousin of her’s in Rhode Island
(it was only months later she moved to New Orleans to be a Vampire)
she’d picked up quite a cocaine habit since i saw her last
and the few times i hung out with her that summer
i was subjected to it every time
however
the last time
she called me
and asked me to go to dinner with her and her mom
she used to love her mom
but in the year i’d been away
her mother had married some rich guy
got a face-lift, a boob-job and a tummy-tuck
and Heather now Hated her.
she didn’t want to have to sit at the table with her alone
rather, with no one on her side
Heather’s mom was bringing along old friends of the family
(whom Heather refered to as “her stupid hippy friends”)
for some reason
i just don’t consider middle-age people as “hippies”
perhaps it’s my optimism… my perverted kind of hope:
if you’re still a Hipster that late in your career there really is no hope left.
anyway
my trip to England had done a very important thing for me
and that was letting me live for a time NOT seething in hatred
i had put down all of my anger and judgements
(which were killing me before i left… but i’ll tell that story another time)
so that i would be allowed to experience things freshly…
(instead of just being caught in my own cycles)
so the stupid hippy friends didn’t bother me
they seemed like nice people
very much the people they were…
one of them owned a Yoga school up in northern Indiana
right on the tip of Lake Michigan
she invited me up to learn…
That summer
i had spent all my days off from work driving around the states:
Indiana to Illinois
Indiana to Ohio
Indiana to Kentucky
Indiana to Michigan
and the
occasional just driving around Indiana
as i really didn’t know anything about the place (though i’d lived there 17 years)
i didn’ t know anyone
and i was new to the Internet
so hadn’t yet really learned how to meet people around the state
(not that i really wanted to at the time: i was reveling in my depression as i often do in indiana)
so
it came to pass
that i went to visit Marsha up in Michigan City
she offered me to take care of her kids: Dakota and Kiva
and i could take a class of yoga from each of her and her husband, Don, every day that they taught one at the house
(Don went to Chicago once a week)
it was pretty amazing for me
i fell into it naturally
and the balance of taking care of the kids and Helping both of them with projects
(building things, cleaning things, … computer things…)
it stopped me drinking and smoking pot and everything
for the first time since returning from england
i felt ALIVE again
so alive…
i remember feeling the depths of the earth with every step i’d take
the flows of air and prana
the tangible energy that would vortex through my body as i moved
always High
it was amazing…
and then i went back to my parent’s house
and the black pit of muck that was the emotional medium there
clogged me up and made me instantly sick
— i was layed out for a week of misery
and stopped doing yoga right there.
there were times when i would remember it
but it hurt so much there: to feel life more fully in such a sad and poisonous place
(yeah, my “home”… the place i grew up. UGH)
i did yoga occasionally once i left there
NYC… not very much
but i got really sick in Tuscon Arizona near the end of 1997
i’d been snorting riddlin, taking trucker speed… cocaine.. drunk all the time again… lots of bad sex
got arrested shoplifting, etc etc
and decided i needed to stop my train wreck
and started eating healthy, stopped smoking again, and started doing yoga every day
(once again, kinda poisonous environment… but still so close to home: living with Trevis)
the Yoga had, once again, an amazing affect
i began to notice that every time i stopped doing yoga
i was gradually decline into unconsciousness
and when i started again
everything on my body would hurt
but the more i did it
i would realize that the Pain wasn’t pain…
it was my body trying to talk with me
and if i did yoga enough to get into it
and listen
i would learn so much about myself and… Everything
(laughs)
the word Yoga means “union”
Still
i’ve very rarely taken classes
those first two weeks are the only steady classes i’ve ever taken
but i always meet people who do yoga
sometimes we do it together
some times they teach me something i didn’t know
and i’ll work with that pose til i learn it
when i lived at Heartwood in 2000
there were daily yoga classes
but they were Iyengar
and holding Downward Dog for 15 minutes was just too much for me
i very quicly stopped going to that regularily
but i’d started going to Billy and Faery gatherings as well
and there was always someone leading yoga
or at least people doing it
and i taught and learned many things there
i took a Kundalini Class with my mother in 2003
and the Spanish boy, Danny
taught me a few great positions
so many
and also
my logic works like this:
Yoga was not a book given from god
or was it?
as far as i know
the body taught the Yogis
so i listen to my body
and combine everything i’ve learned from Tae Kwon Do
grade school PE class
wrestling
qi-gung
yoga…
i do a little bit every day
sometimes a few hours
sometimes a few minutes
many times through the day…
this year i started taking classes down in San Francisco
at the Faery House
monday night’s at 6 we do Ashtanga for 2 hours, then have a pot luck dinner
the great thing about the Faery House
is it is always Clothing Optional
Yoga included
so i do yoga
sweat dripping off my balls…
Ashtanga is really intense
but So Beautiful!
once again
i don’t find it Too difficult
it seems to come naturally
(well, most of the poses, though some of them are a bit strange- i can do them)
last week
i was really tired
still newly off that fast
and still not sleeping enough
so the first part of the class was very difficult
struggling
but
the most important part of Yoga is Breathing
“Pranayama”
what we breathe is Air, yeah, but Air infused with Prana
that is
Life
consciouly pulling in Prana from the nose
but also through every part of the entire body
from the sky, the earth and everything in between
(i also include pulling in life from the infinite source inside of me)
so
consiously pulling in life
i fed myself
became fuller and stronger and more alive
til it was, once again, easy to be in Yoga
i realized that i hadn’t been breathing through my crown chakra… for how long?
(that is the top of the head… it has 1000 petals… infinite connexions to everything in the universe.. )
it was, of course, like sucking on a powerline
[but like a lover]
jolting through my body
making everything more vibrant…
it was only shortly after that
that He brought us into Shivasana
( where Shiva, who’s constant dancing brings this world of illusions into being, lies down and dies to let the infinite possiblity of the universe dance on top of him )
when i learned this from Don and Marsha
they accentuated lying with the heart chakra open
so there i was, laying on my back working my heart open
when i remembered the Reiki i had cast on the room a few days ago
— was still there… healing loving balancing energy filling the room
pouring into my heart
and then bursting out from my heart and filling not only the room
but every aspect of my existance
it was the first time in my life i felt my father loved me
(i mean, i have understood that… intellectually… for a long time… but never felt it)
there was an image of him [not physically him… but his being…] reaching out to me and handing me a gift… of love
oh, always how it is
being reminded of love
could i carry this awareness with me ALL the time?
always share it
always receive it?
perhaps
if i were in yoga all the time
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