ah
so it’s official!
i’m terrified of intimacy!
who would have thought?
does this happen to everyone?
i was thinking about it one day
and then Leo and i were laying in bed together
and he kept KISSING me and CUDDLING me
and i rolled away and laughed
he reached for me
and ever time he touched me
with utter LOVE, ov course
i would shudder and break into hysterics like i was being tickled
it was tickling me!
and of course
this doesn’t happen when i meet someone for the first time…
—-
there was a man i fell in love with in Germany while i was there
(and i haven’t fallen in love in a while now.. i’ve been in love… but you know.. falling is different… swept off feet, stuff like that)
the sex was amazing!
it was mostly all about laying on top of one another
licking and kissing and nibbling
but there was hardly even any dick sucking
it was more just the full body contact
the heat, the smells
and the chakras opening up and aligning and flowing
got me very high
very wild
very happy
but he freaked out
he said
“i usually only have sex with somone once.. then can’t do it again..
even my lover of 8 years… i only have sex with him once or twice a year”
that, of course, freaked me out
and the longer we were friends
the less intimate we became
—-
i was talking with a man on the phone last night who grew up in germany
well, til he was 13
then moved to Oklahoma, where his father came from (his mother was german)
and left to be gay as he got older
the gay meccas around america
but would always go back to OK coz he liked the people
he was a little confused with how gay men act
getting together and having sex in the middle of crowded bars!
bath houses! Sex Parties!
argh!
yet
when he moves to the bay area
he rooms up with a 75 year old from eastern europe
and is
yet again
“he doesn’t really keep them around for long… they come in and stay for a few hours and leave… i don’t know how he can do that”
which makes me think of an interesting man i met a month ago of 62
grew up in NYC
and had sex with 12 people a day pretty regularily for 20 years
and has a penchant for picking up homeless guys
which doesn’t include a lot of intimacy
well, plenty, of course, deep and everything
but temporary
and that’s all.
which brings me back to my own 57 year old friend who also grew up in NYC with similar sexual habits
(minus the homeless, more into the married)
and most of my lovers have been in a generation older than mine
and i wonder if it’s given me a model that now i’m living with
and no wonder kids of my generation are astounded by how i deal with people sexually
it’s been scared out of our generation
is there more intimacy in the way they behave?
the long getting-to-know
or the quick-jump-into-soul-mate?
San Francisco…
where i percieve (*almost) everyone as having this strange relationship to intimacy that’s So Very Addictive
you meet someone and open up into them and pour like a river into a canyon
and they look at you with stars in their eyes
and say LOVE LOVE LOVE
and ask you right away all the questions they need to know
so they can keep you happy til the end of their days
as opposed to my time in europe
where they would have sex with you
as if you were a blow-up doll
enjoy your piss or leather pants
or the fact that you even existed and had a cock (or hole) in the black spaces in/ontopof/around bars
but to get someone to come home and lay down in bed with me
or to take me to their home
was near impossible
(well, i’m specifically thinking of amsterdam, but it holds true for some other places as well)
Intimacy
i thought i was so good at it
but it comes again and again
that it freaks me out… in prolonged doses
— i always rationalize it
“HomeoStasis: if i spend too much time with him all my energy will flow into him to balance us out and i’ll feel as tired and stressed out as he is — -DISTANCE!”
or some such tale
or
like my recent sojourn into love
i would lay next to him and feel at home
i would kiss him and it felt like my heart was being used in a way it was unaccustomed
pain would burn through it
but then, like opening to a good
well…
the pain turned to a pleasure lined well and beautified with the pain
and overthrew me
yet most of the day and the time we kept eachother at mind’s length
or some occupation
Distance slapping into togetherness
which i always think is healthy
Lover, darling, spend most of your time with me being yourself
doing what you do
and leave me as i am
when it comes time
every night
every three?
every two months?
i’ll be with you fully
i need to be alone
so that i have the capacity to be together
so i’m a hermit…
for a few days at a time
give me a few days or weeks
then come visit me
and i’ll be happy to take you in my arms…
hopefully
in my solitude
and visitors
i can rework my emotional model.
any one want to give me some good modes to work with?
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