Girl:
it’s amazing how much attention you can get when you’re wearing a dress
the mornings here start with howling and orgasms
she leads masturbation circles
she chants her mantras when she cums
she pulls up the juice of her life with her little finger
and wraps her will around it
pulling her into the day
she shares this with her friends
we all share what we have here.
i was laying on my back on the rock wall
i wasn’t naked
my skin was a bit burnt
at 7200ft
the sun is so close
it’s a bit harsh
i was talking to White Dragon about all the work shops that were happening
and how we were or weren’t going
how it was too much
or not enough
he said
“i arrived after the second sweat
and the general energy here was
‘ i’m so tired! ‘
so i got tired”
another guy looks at me
and says
“when are you teaching? everything about you says ‘teacher’ ”
and i don’t think i’d really even had a conversation with this guy
it freaks me out a little
in that HighSchool kinda way
how people talk about me when i’m not hearing them.
“we were wondering what it would take to get you into makeup”
“we’ve been wondering what’s up with all the boy-drag you’ve been wearing”
[they say this because i’m wearing my checked chef’s pants and orange cross-tartan button up shirt instead of a dress]
Every day
i’ve been walking around
having small conversations
looking people in the eyes
looking away
and walking on
short
i am a man of short relationships
i’ll be there for a minute
in a minute
i’ll be gone
i keep wanting to change this
it is the way the wind blows me
a few days ago
i was standing in circle
(before dinner)
and saw a familiar face across
some boy i wanted to love once
who is that?
my eyes are weak sometimes
my imagination spins
and there’s a round of names
i say
‘vine’
and he says ‘mind dancer’
and i remember…
When i was at short mountain
he approached with Storm on his arm (yes, the X-man)
quiet and smiling
something happened
and i was sucking his dick
(laughing, naked in the sun, in the garden behind the house)
Storm, later, told me watch out: stay away from her man.
i, not being someone who likes to create drama between lovers
or possessive queens
stepped back
knowing that
if he wanted me
he’d come get me
having enough emotional oceans to swim through with meeting Goat and seeing Robert again
but i’m getting away
from
Yesterday…
i spent the evening with him
talking
caressing
— i was so thankful
my afternoons this last week
had been filled with warm naps in my tent:
so bright teal-green that the sky and all else looked purple from the simple after-shock of my burnt-out eyes
computer or no, i would work myself through desire and examine it
as orgasm wracked my body quietly in the desert
surrounded and supported by the juniper trees
whistling the wind
and now
the desire for sensuality even was hitting me heavy
and with such a beautiful man…
we lay and cuddled for a while in my tent
and he went off to sleep alone
:just arriving: i understand that:
the next day
i’d noticed Star Child in the periphery always around him
and i was off to the Zuni pueblo to see the Eagles in their Sanctuary
… it was beautiful
amazing to see them stalking around
and hear their strange squeeling yelps
…
i also got to talk to some natives
and bought some fetishes:
two bears and a badger
by the time i got back
Star Child had affixed himself at Mind Dancer’s side
and
similarily with Storm
i didn’t want to press, didn’t want to create drama
it was apparent to me
that he liked being possessed by a female
a quiet strong man
hmmm, how attractive
i noticed i felt pulled to him whenever i was around him
i gravitated to him
i liked this
but that there was this kind and friendly female boy on his arm all the time
which.. in a way, i envied
that handsome man, his strength and softness: such a nice prize
what kind of friend? i didn’t know; couldn’t know through all his silence
all i knew was i wanted him
body and breath
but i am not a player nor a fighter
i just began seething in anger
as has happened many times
why can’t these silent strong men CHOOSE?
they must be chosen… it seems so contrary…
yet, we are Queer
and isn’t that our nature?
Last night was a ritual trance fire
i got there after the talent show
(he lightly brushing my arm and thigh, but wrapt up in his boy
while Romeo leaned against me, me against Trey, all of us sliding down and uncomfortable…)
i just cannot get what i want sometimes
and cannot give what others want sometimes
and not like the loving meat in the sandwich of a three way between lovers
but unsatisfied and unsatisfying
i came into Juniper to sit with my computer and journal through all of the people i’d had sex with in the last year
sifting through emails and pictures and writings
burnt out after three hours of compiling the past
(with intention to use this as a project to balance intention and energy
and understand even more clearly what it is i do with my love and loving)
i walked out of the house
the cold mountain-desert wind biting through my dress
(frock really, it’s not frumpy, but certainly not sexy)
i walked quickly up the path to the main house
listening to The Original Sinnergy singing to the moon
fat and yellow and heavy
melting behind the mountains
i blinked in the light a moment
and headed to bed
to jump into my mummy bag and die for the night
listening to the tattoo of the trance fire down the valley ricocheting round the trees and rocks
i woke to the same sound
same beat
amazed
and blazing in the hot rising sun begging me out of bed
i shuffled around angry and distracted most of the day
but when in conversations with friends
and my computer
but eventually
it hit me back
that things
just
need
to
be
Expressed
when i saw him
i just walked up to me
he opened his arm
to wrap it around my hip
as i put my lips to his ear
and said
“it would be nice to spend some time together”
and turned and went off
Release
little games proceeded
but the rules were this:
if you want me
come get me
a pat on the ass as you walk by
is not enough
and am i more attractive to you
now that i am in this short black skirt?
i’ve never made myself a woman for a man
though i have
often enough
made myself a little boy
diminutive attraction tools
i’m Amazed!
i told a part of the story to the audiance in the night performance
and the actors on stage played it out
girls grinding their hips
moaning
and flipping pages
scribbling it out
singing to the moon
dancing around
laying down
to sleep.
now they’re in their with ritualistic S&M beatings and bondings and bleedings
— i heard the screaming start just a few moments ago
time to walk through the cold night air one more time-
i’m leaving the land tomorrow
for Albequerque, right?
we’ll see where the next few days lead us before heading to NJ…
i remember a time
the second faery gathering i ever went to
i got a ride with a girl i knew from Heartwood
she and another
to meet her boyfriend in portland
we stopped in Cresent City to buy some snaks
got a bannana
and even though it was organic
it felt Dead.
the life-force up at Heartwood was so High it was shocking
so noticable
i gave a demonstration
we held the fruits
and opened up and poured energy into them
filling them with life
so when we ate them we wouldn’t be filled with dead.
arriving back from town to this mountain today felt the same way:
get used to focused high-intensity life energy
and the “normal world” just feels tiring.
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