Ahhhhh
i feel so much better now.
Nori rolls
and Rice Pudding
warm and thick and ready for sleep…
i was just telling someone
how my first few years of gatherings
i was very extroverted
raised by the energy
driven…
and now
i can only take so much
and then must go hide again.
and all day i have been thinking of Protection:
i don’t want to be protected: i want to exist in a realm where i need no protection.
however, back in this reality we all share…
my first few years of gatherings i always had lots of protection on
Hematite and many other gems
magickal garments of many sorts
i’ve buried them, given them away, or lost them now
still always holding the conscious desire NOT to have protection
but it’s becoming much clearer to me now:
to keep myself how i like to be
i must protect myself
i like to remain very sensitive
so
around many disruptive energies
i must have filters
like in highschool
i wore lots of Black:
a great way to cut of the energy that actually reaches us…
but my technique now is more on par with letting the energy flow through me
and retreating when i need to re-balance myself.
it is not fully satisfying
but then
neither were the tools of protection and filtering:
which kept me much more together
but cut-off in a way from what i was experiencing
yet… i feel like that now anyway
perhaps that’s just me…
much more skill needs to be put into what i choose to interact with
and how i choose to do so
this, of course, will become clearer when i am living accoring to my will and intention more clearly
thus things will naturally follow in flow of what is good for me
“driven like the snow”, eh?
well, i wonder…
break these chains and . . .
am i willing to give up such sweetness?
(i’m getting cavities…)
how is it serving me?
answer!
oh, i’m so tired: i must sleep.
What goes on?
waking.
thinking of what Fang sayd:
“i strongly believe that an orgasm is the best way to start the day”
why?
so you don’t spend the day looking for tail?
to fully awaken the body?
now… i know she cums as a form of magic
she does it as a form of prayer and play
she cums with intention.
Yes!
Yesterday
one of the hottest images i saw
was of this big bear on top of another
he was gordo, yes
but strong
the muscles along his spine were like pythons arching up his back
his big butt down on those thighs
a beautiful icon
— i lost it somewhere on my hard drive
(hrmph)
but upon looking for it
i found other things
to get off to
this morning.
it didn’t help me feel good
for days i’ve been feeling cloudy
spacious
like i’m mostly made of air
and not even air filled with light
maybe not air
maybe just emptiness
which is a really bad medium for feeling anything in.
i floated around
made tea for myself (damiana, oatstraw, rooibos, and some yerba sante)
hugged
talked
discussed how beautiful it is to have porn (that is, hard cocks, etc) adorning the walls as a form of beautiful accepted decoration
and the shifting of the earth’s poles
that it was a theory
or was it scientific fact?
i remember seeing in the Natural History Museum in South Africa
a map of where the poles had been since the jurassic period
along with different rock specimens growing in layers SHOWING the effect of the pole shifts
up here in America it’s still theory.
Hm…
i went down to the Shamans 101/401 workshop
and said
yes yes yes
and listened
and got into it
but didn’t go where i could go
i couldn’t go where it was going
cold and frustrated
(something locking up in my hips)
i left
looking for some chocolate (which i’ve still not had)
instead
i found Red Wolf, who’s birthday it is
and he offered me some healing work.
blowing, rubbing, shaking and holding
he worked me over for at least an hour
i was shivering and jittering
it was he
but also the ferocious wind blowing
the sun darting in and out of the clouds
i was hot/cold often.
when it was over
he told me the story of what he saw in me
around my head
there was the image
of a tall and strong black man
carrying my limp body
as if i had just been washed ashore
Strong Beautiful Black Man carrying me as if i weighed nothing at all
as if he were a Saviour (the word was used)
around my eyes, down in my heart, all the way to my cock (most of my body, that is)
was the story of a little 5 year old girl
beautiful
with thick blond curly hair
staring out the window
mournfully
waiting for daddy
daddy had been abusing her though
coz she was so beautiful
he couldn’t help himself
and she began to wish daddy would get hurt as she was feeling hurt
and daddy got killed
she thought it was her fault
and then was stuck feeling guilty
and powerful
and caught
in the pattern
the rest of her life
(exercising her beauty to get abused by those seemingly more powerful than she… though she was really the one wielding all the power)
a familiar story
and this guy didn’t know me at all
guess i was wearing myself on my sleeve again
“it’s not a bad thing”
he said
“but it’s been driving you for a long time
and you could find someone to end that pattern with and bring your power back to yourself”
Yes.
but HOW HOW HOW?
once again
he assured me that
even though i felt lost and helpless
i was aware of the situation
which was a step in the right direction
and better than most
and i would be fine
just keep working at it!
Paying attention!
—-
a boy here
Aletheus
(greek: A= not or un-, Lethe= the river we all drink from when we come back into this life to forget the past, us= the male form; he said there were many forms of this name carried into modern times {Alicia, Alice…} but they were all female…)
i find very interesting
and i sang him the song “how to disappear completely and never be found”
for this line mainly
“that man: that’s not me
i go where i please
i walk through walls
i float down the Lethe
i’m not here
this isn’t happening”
then i told him of the other song
“2+2=5”
where he screams over and over and over “you have not been paying attention”
he just found out he’s “positive” … and keeps forgetting.
just what will we do about it?
in the swirl ov everything
my mind streatches out to the furthest regions i know of
… looking for ancestors
i find Nicholas Coppernicus
who comes from the town Sowa in Poland
— my name-sake.
Coppernicus, i believe, was the first man in history who put forth the idea that the Earth is not the centre of the universe
though
if i remember correctly
he retracted it
it was Gallileo who got in the most trouble for it
either way
imagine a reality where we are all that is
where we are the centre of it all
and imagine that changing
to the Sun being the centre of it all
… s’alright
the sun shines down
and then…
another day turns
and we find the sun is not the centre
the sun is a little speck way out in space
on the edge of a big arm of a crazy galaxy
lost in the immense eternity of it all
where does that put us?
and in this perspective
this conversation about Lethe and Attention
(earlier yesterday in the barn
i grabbed Aletheus and Wonder
as Wonder was saying that he didn’t believe things like Astrology
thought they were kinda stupid
and Aletheus was trying to figure out everybody’s everything through the charts
i pulled them together in my arms
jumping around
saying
‘ anything and everything we do is either to get attention from someone else
or to Give attention to someone… none of them are Important or Mean anything: they’re just games… we play them because we love eachother… and we want to touch, to interract… the basis of all language (or anything) is “pay attention to me! pay attention to me! I LOVE YOU!” ‘
we laughed )
amid the conversation between Altetheus, the Original Synergy and i
we came to the crux of living a life with no meaning
(i guess this is what i’m getting around to saying)
and how this was the biggest threat to health and happiness in life
but doesn’t it seem odd to manufacture a reason to live
just for the sake of being alive?
earlier, A and i had also talked of death and dying (before he told me of his recent discovery)
and i remember making a comment like
“i don’t think you’re a better person just because you can stay on the planet the longest: it’s not a contest. i think people should feel OK about going whenever it is they want to go. there are many other things to do in the universe than what can be done here…”
of course
there are things to be done here that… can only be done here.
sometimes i want to be here a thousand years
sometimes
i could blink out tomorrow.
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