Month: August 2004

Each man kills the thing he loves
da da da
-dada
–dada
When i was just a boy
Younger then than this mix of man/woman and child i am now
i wanted to be a sailor
blessed of the high seas
of solitude
and cold winds
Faggot lover of Querelle
a million lovers around the world
never needing to even make an excuse why i wasn’t staying
all the while
desiring the cold hard love of death and being taken
the strength of passivity
the knowledge of a true friend
given up all
and set out to sea
to know a husband is just a story to me
but i sit in that nest now
loving
daily gifts
calling him “baby”
hallmark relationship
one man to another
neither of them me
but with my prick poised at the gate of his body
head just under that shelf of softness
the pause gave me time to understand
i would never take that from a lover
no feeling of lust is worth it
and i could get off
my cock pressed firmly into his root
the pulsing and the heat
the connection
just not the moistness
though i know i could enjoy that
as the perpetrator
he lacked the shock and wave of having me inside him
but he could still feel my heat radiating through him
soft pale milk flowed
covered in oil and sweat
collapsing
satisfaction just the same
a week with no love making
ended after a sweat
with thunder bear
no feeling of entrance
just the wrapt tight embrace
bodies building sweat
swimming into eachother
the breaths louder and gasping
shuddering in to him
to go out and piss under the blaring full moon
poor boy trying to sleep next to us
i know what pain that feels like
the sweet sorrow of isolation
in presance
Each man kills the thing he loves
Each man kills the thing he loves
da da da
-dada
–dada

Heaven and Earth are not kind:
The ten thousand things are straw dogs to them.
Sages are not kind:
People are straw dogs to them.
Yet Heaven and Earth
And all the space between
Are like a bellows:
Empty but inexhaustible,
Always producing more.
Longwinded speech is exhausting.
____Better to stay centered.
( Tao Te Ching, Chapter 5)
Once Upon A Time
i agreed with this
and aspired to the be the Sage
reading it today
made me pause:
i have had the gift, these last few weeks, of being held in simple loving
that is
much of my anger and confusion has subsided
to a form of clarity about what must be done
and my feelings therein
as well as a base of unconditional love and forgiveness
(with, of course, the human highlights of judgments… but they’ve been passing like t he wind)
a part of me wonders what my relationship to the Christian paradigm this has
i am curious
because of my trip to Brazil
there i felt a loving embrace
and since
have been walking in friendship with … Christ
not that i have gone to church yet
Even my love for Leo will not move me to attending mass in any regular manner
but i feel
in part
this love
comes
from
respecting each and every individuals’ lives
with love
(if even not intimacy or interraction)
Though, i suppose this chapter does not exclude love
it’s not that Tao excludes love
it’s that it functions beyond that
i must say i love the idea of functioning beyond humanity
yet i have great desires in the human realm
perhaps that is my crux
because
the growth i have experienced in the last few years
has grounded me much more in my humanity
that is
i no longer just want to be a lone wizard attending to the needs of the reality as it shifts
i feel the longing to be a lover with another
(perhaps many, but deeply and truly)
THAT requires existing on another plane than just Spiritual
and
indeed
that desire has always been in me
it’s only recently i am not frightened by it to the point of pretending it’s not there
it is only recently i have been embracing it so fully and
feeling the warmth of that embrace
flowing into it to make it stay
to make it pleasurable
to get past my bullshit and baggage
to another
and rest in love
what better vacation or retreat is there?
many of you may have love that you can rest in
cynically, i doubt it
but it may be true
i’m still moving slowly
to be friends
to understand
hear and feel you
perhaps, my dear scarecrows
i will discover a way to dance with all of our hearts

i had a dream
secret societies
murders
end of the world
some stupid rip off from “Angels and Demons”
why it would whip back and hit me tonight
i don’t know
but it was funny
not so sinister
i infiltrated the stronghold
and it was more like a stage set
all the real ancient props were seemingly cardboard
or… not that cheap
just not well made; very little aesthetic
It was Nayland
he’d thrown out the old Throne
replaced it with an amazingly strong looking Iron one
was it soft?
the king’s ruling place looked more like a CEO office
surrounded by castle
i saw him there
no, he wasn’t
i saw him walk up the stairs
i walked up the other to see if i could surprise him
: he was completely shaved
no, he wasn’t
and he didn’t walk up stairs
he walked across the dusty yard
castle walls now chain-link fence
he went into the modular double-wide
and i sat on a platform overlooking the junk-yard listening to the dogs bark
wondering how i was going to get to him
somewhere
somewhen
there was a party
for the end of the year
underground
in the castle’s caverns
Nayland was the host
big suit
and beard
(Occasionally he’d have a shaved head and face, though, his eyes globular and sleepy)
when he came in and found me on the bed talking to the girls
he smiled
and said it was time to go
so we all piled into the car
i don’t know where we were going
something told me to wake up
if i really wanted to get to him.
I was amazed
just how bitchy i can be
Arthur (i’ll call him that, i like it better: it’s such a beautiful, powerful name)
has big thumbs
big toes
big veiny feet
the nails broad
the calves even veiny
the skin loose
as if he had once been bigger
but was now not
but not that
it was that he had once been hard
and time, like air, made his exteriour less dense
.. but, let me get back to me.
the whole situation with him was
as long as i kept myself expressing myself freely
he was connected to me
— i let him know i wanted him
.. i didn’t know why i wanted him
Something cool about Faery space is
we challenge eachother not only be honest all the time
but to question ourselves and be clear on our motives
:
did i want him for any reason but the pornography of my desires?
and maybe the boy he had on his arm didn’t have a fetish for men like him
coz that boy kept kissing me too and grabbing my hand
but was that because his Man wanted him to?
did we do it to please daddy?
where is my true heart?
slammed up against that wall
i wondered what i was doing
why did i want him
Thumbs
Calves
soft/strong/boyish/manly/playful/animal face?
large veiny flacid prick?
stocky past glories and present attention?
not just his body pulls me so strong
he has energetic presence
do You know what i mean?
to touch
and feel the waters flow between us?
to breathe with eachother
the light coursing up the spine
and back down into the toes
through belly to belly, chest to chest, mind to mind, cock to cock
the soft warm strength of the hand hold
Angry
or
feeling Entitled?
Envious of the two of them together at every moment
holding hands
arms around shoulders
needless to say
sleeping together
exchanging energy
no doubt physically
but in the same way i felt it with him too?
probably.
THE S&M play party was not as bad as i thought it was:
while i was in there
it was pretty chill
He beat the boy
grining and grrrring and then the kissing
the possessing somewhere in there
— to be taken in hand
while the majority of us
were standing and staring
holding space
at the two celibate beauties
boyfriends
piercing eachother’s chests with hypo-needles
while cutting the skin with them into the shapes of OMs
while laughing in ecstasy in eachother’s faces
slamming foreheads together
licking tongues
kissing
laughing
talking in voices
coursing
coursing into and through eachother
not exactly 50/50
but in the balance of waves..
i walked from there edgy
feeling the power of honing your rage
walked through the night
not so cold with this flaming core
but went to my tent to lay down anyway
and from there
heard a fight break out from new-kids on the land
one boy chasing the other
screaming in a voice sounding surely demonic
he was probably a neophyte possessed by one of the unleashed spirits from the play party
they pummeled eachother
a ragg night
i was angry early
it passed
White Dragon nearly bit my head off
then we and the girls worked eachother with leather and needles
and then this
well good
i went to sleep
spent the last day in appreciation
and leaving
pictures
and a severe happiness
thankful in heartcircle for the mercury retrograde
returning me to the feeling of Simple Loving
“sometimes
everything is
easy….”
i could still cry
i could still feel
i could still think
and i could love
loving around town
only a little fearful
only a little angry
but with clarity
and it wasn’t just the gathering
it started before
but there i was
now here i am
waking on green sheets in Albequerque
seeing where the next few days will take me before heading to NYC
Yes
.. there are still a few things i need to catch up on
but… til then

Girl:
it’s amazing how much attention you can get when you’re wearing a dress
the mornings here start with howling and orgasms
she leads masturbation circles
she chants her mantras when she cums
she pulls up the juice of her life with her little finger
and wraps her will around it
pulling her into the day
she shares this with her friends
we all share what we have here.
i was laying on my back on the rock wall
i wasn’t naked
my skin was a bit burnt
at 7200ft
the sun is so close
it’s a bit harsh
i was talking to White Dragon about all the work shops that were happening
and how we were or weren’t going
how it was too much
or not enough
he said
“i arrived after the second sweat
and the general energy here was
‘ i’m so tired! ‘
so i got tired”
another guy looks at me
and says
“when are you teaching? everything about you says ‘teacher’ ”
and i don’t think i’d really even had a conversation with this guy
it freaks me out a little
in that HighSchool kinda way
how people talk about me when i’m not hearing them.
“we were wondering what it would take to get you into makeup”
“we’ve been wondering what’s up with all the boy-drag you’ve been wearing”
[they say this because i’m wearing my checked chef’s pants and orange cross-tartan button up shirt instead of a dress]
Every day
i’ve been walking around
having small conversations
looking people in the eyes
looking away
and walking on
short
i am a man of short relationships
i’ll be there for a minute
in a minute
i’ll be gone
i keep wanting to change this
it is the way the wind blows me
a few days ago
i was standing in circle
(before dinner)
and saw a familiar face across
some boy i wanted to love once
who is that?
my eyes are weak sometimes
my imagination spins
and there’s a round of names
i say
‘vine’
and he says ‘mind dancer’
and i remember…
When i was at short mountain
he approached with Storm on his arm (yes, the X-man)
quiet and smiling
something happened
and i was sucking his dick
(laughing, naked in the sun, in the garden behind the house)
Storm, later, told me watch out: stay away from her man.
i, not being someone who likes to create drama between lovers
or possessive queens
stepped back
knowing that
if he wanted me
he’d come get me
having enough emotional oceans to swim through with meeting Goat and seeing Robert again
but i’m getting away
from
Yesterday…
i spent the evening with him
talking
caressing
— i was so thankful
my afternoons this last week
had been filled with warm naps in my tent:
so bright teal-green that the sky and all else looked purple from the simple after-shock of my burnt-out eyes
computer or no, i would work myself through desire and examine it
as orgasm wracked my body quietly in the desert
surrounded and supported by the juniper trees
whistling the wind
and now
the desire for sensuality even was hitting me heavy
and with such a beautiful man…
we lay and cuddled for a while in my tent
and he went off to sleep alone
:just arriving: i understand that:
the next day
i’d noticed Star Child in the periphery always around him
and i was off to the Zuni pueblo to see the Eagles in their Sanctuary
… it was beautiful
amazing to see them stalking around
and hear their strange squeeling yelps
…
i also got to talk to some natives
and bought some fetishes:
two bears and a badger
by the time i got back
Star Child had affixed himself at Mind Dancer’s side
and
similarily with Storm
i didn’t want to press, didn’t want to create drama
it was apparent to me
that he liked being possessed by a female
a quiet strong man
hmmm, how attractive
i noticed i felt pulled to him whenever i was around him
i gravitated to him
i liked this
but that there was this kind and friendly female boy on his arm all the time
which.. in a way, i envied
that handsome man, his strength and softness: such a nice prize
what kind of friend? i didn’t know; couldn’t know through all his silence
all i knew was i wanted him
body and breath
but i am not a player nor a fighter
i just began seething in anger
as has happened many times
why can’t these silent strong men CHOOSE?
they must be chosen… it seems so contrary…
yet, we are Queer
and isn’t that our nature?
Last night was a ritual trance fire
i got there after the talent show
(he lightly brushing my arm and thigh, but wrapt up in his boy
while Romeo leaned against me, me against Trey, all of us sliding down and uncomfortable…)
i just cannot get what i want sometimes
and cannot give what others want sometimes
and not like the loving meat in the sandwich of a three way between lovers
but unsatisfied and unsatisfying
i came into Juniper to sit with my computer and journal through all of the people i’d had sex with in the last year
sifting through emails and pictures and writings
burnt out after three hours of compiling the past
(with intention to use this as a project to balance intention and energy
and understand even more clearly what it is i do with my love and loving)
i walked out of the house
the cold mountain-desert wind biting through my dress
(frock really, it’s not frumpy, but certainly not sexy)
i walked quickly up the path to the main house
listening to The Original Sinnergy singing to the moon
fat and yellow and heavy
melting behind the mountains
i blinked in the light a moment
and headed to bed
to jump into my mummy bag and die for the night
listening to the tattoo of the trance fire down the valley ricocheting round the trees and rocks
i woke to the same sound
same beat
amazed
and blazing in the hot rising sun begging me out of bed
i shuffled around angry and distracted most of the day
but when in conversations with friends
and my computer
but eventually
it hit me back
that things
just
need
to
be
Expressed
when i saw him
i just walked up to me
he opened his arm
to wrap it around my hip
as i put my lips to his ear
and said
“it would be nice to spend some time together”
and turned and went off
Release
little games proceeded
but the rules were this:
if you want me
come get me
a pat on the ass as you walk by
is not enough
and am i more attractive to you
now that i am in this short black skirt?
i’ve never made myself a woman for a man
though i have
often enough
made myself a little boy
diminutive attraction tools
i’m Amazed!
i told a part of the story to the audiance in the night performance
and the actors on stage played it out
girls grinding their hips
moaning
and flipping pages
scribbling it out
singing to the moon
dancing around
laying down
to sleep.
now they’re in their with ritualistic S&M beatings and bondings and bleedings
— i heard the screaming start just a few moments ago
time to walk through the cold night air one more time-
i’m leaving the land tomorrow
for Albequerque, right?
we’ll see where the next few days lead us before heading to NJ…

i remember a time
the second faery gathering i ever went to
i got a ride with a girl i knew from Heartwood
she and another
to meet her boyfriend in portland
we stopped in Cresent City to buy some snaks
got a bannana
and even though it was organic
it felt Dead.
the life-force up at Heartwood was so High it was shocking
so noticable
i gave a demonstration
we held the fruits
and opened up and poured energy into them
filling them with life
so when we ate them we wouldn’t be filled with dead.
arriving back from town to this mountain today felt the same way:
get used to focused high-intensity life energy
and the “normal world” just feels tiring.

Ahhhhh
i feel so much better now.
Nori rolls
and Rice Pudding
warm and thick and ready for sleep…
i was just telling someone
how my first few years of gatherings
i was very extroverted
raised by the energy
driven…
and now
i can only take so much
and then must go hide again.
and all day i have been thinking of Protection:
i don’t want to be protected: i want to exist in a realm where i need no protection.
however, back in this reality we all share…
my first few years of gatherings i always had lots of protection on
Hematite and many other gems
magickal garments of many sorts
i’ve buried them, given them away, or lost them now
still always holding the conscious desire NOT to have protection
but it’s becoming much clearer to me now:
to keep myself how i like to be
i must protect myself
i like to remain very sensitive
so
around many disruptive energies
i must have filters
like in highschool
i wore lots of Black:
a great way to cut of the energy that actually reaches us…
but my technique now is more on par with letting the energy flow through me
and retreating when i need to re-balance myself.
it is not fully satisfying
but then
neither were the tools of protection and filtering:
which kept me much more together
but cut-off in a way from what i was experiencing
yet… i feel like that now anyway
perhaps that’s just me…
much more skill needs to be put into what i choose to interact with
and how i choose to do so
this, of course, will become clearer when i am living accoring to my will and intention more clearly
thus things will naturally follow in flow of what is good for me
“driven like the snow”, eh?
well, i wonder…
break these chains and . . .
am i willing to give up such sweetness?
(i’m getting cavities…)
how is it serving me?
answer!
oh, i’m so tired: i must sleep.

What goes on?
waking.
thinking of what Fang sayd:
“i strongly believe that an orgasm is the best way to start the day”
why?
so you don’t spend the day looking for tail?
to fully awaken the body?
now… i know she cums as a form of magic
she does it as a form of prayer and play
she cums with intention.
Yes!
Yesterday
one of the hottest images i saw
was of this big bear on top of another
he was gordo, yes
but strong
the muscles along his spine were like pythons arching up his back
his big butt down on those thighs
a beautiful icon
— i lost it somewhere on my hard drive
(hrmph)
but upon looking for it
i found other things
to get off to
this morning.
it didn’t help me feel good
for days i’ve been feeling cloudy
spacious
like i’m mostly made of air
and not even air filled with light
maybe not air
maybe just emptiness
which is a really bad medium for feeling anything in.
i floated around
made tea for myself (damiana, oatstraw, rooibos, and some yerba sante)
hugged
talked
discussed how beautiful it is to have porn (that is, hard cocks, etc) adorning the walls as a form of beautiful accepted decoration
and the shifting of the earth’s poles
that it was a theory
or was it scientific fact?
i remember seeing in the Natural History Museum in South Africa
a map of where the poles had been since the jurassic period
along with different rock specimens growing in layers SHOWING the effect of the pole shifts
up here in America it’s still theory.
Hm…
i went down to the Shamans 101/401 workshop
and said
yes yes yes
and listened
and got into it
but didn’t go where i could go
i couldn’t go where it was going
cold and frustrated
(something locking up in my hips)
i left
looking for some chocolate (which i’ve still not had)
instead
i found Red Wolf, who’s birthday it is
and he offered me some healing work.
blowing, rubbing, shaking and holding
he worked me over for at least an hour
i was shivering and jittering
it was he
but also the ferocious wind blowing
the sun darting in and out of the clouds
i was hot/cold often.
when it was over
he told me the story of what he saw in me
around my head
there was the image
of a tall and strong black man
carrying my limp body
as if i had just been washed ashore
Strong Beautiful Black Man carrying me as if i weighed nothing at all
as if he were a Saviour (the word was used)
around my eyes, down in my heart, all the way to my cock (most of my body, that is)
was the story of a little 5 year old girl
beautiful
with thick blond curly hair
staring out the window
mournfully
waiting for daddy
daddy had been abusing her though
coz she was so beautiful
he couldn’t help himself
and she began to wish daddy would get hurt as she was feeling hurt
and daddy got killed
she thought it was her fault
and then was stuck feeling guilty
and powerful
and caught
in the pattern
the rest of her life
(exercising her beauty to get abused by those seemingly more powerful than she… though she was really the one wielding all the power)
a familiar story
and this guy didn’t know me at all
guess i was wearing myself on my sleeve again
“it’s not a bad thing”
he said
“but it’s been driving you for a long time
and you could find someone to end that pattern with and bring your power back to yourself”
Yes.
but HOW HOW HOW?
once again
he assured me that
even though i felt lost and helpless
i was aware of the situation
which was a step in the right direction
and better than most
and i would be fine
just keep working at it!
Paying attention!
—-
a boy here
Aletheus
(greek: A= not or un-, Lethe= the river we all drink from when we come back into this life to forget the past, us= the male form; he said there were many forms of this name carried into modern times {Alicia, Alice…} but they were all female…)
i find very interesting
and i sang him the song “how to disappear completely and never be found”
for this line mainly
“that man: that’s not me
i go where i please
i walk through walls
i float down the Lethe
i’m not here
this isn’t happening”
then i told him of the other song
“2+2=5”
where he screams over and over and over “you have not been paying attention”
he just found out he’s “positive” … and keeps forgetting.
just what will we do about it?
in the swirl ov everything
my mind streatches out to the furthest regions i know of
… looking for ancestors
i find Nicholas Coppernicus
who comes from the town Sowa in Poland
— my name-sake.
Coppernicus, i believe, was the first man in history who put forth the idea that the Earth is not the centre of the universe
though
if i remember correctly
he retracted it
it was Gallileo who got in the most trouble for it
either way
imagine a reality where we are all that is
where we are the centre of it all
and imagine that changing
to the Sun being the centre of it all
… s’alright
the sun shines down
and then…
another day turns
and we find the sun is not the centre
the sun is a little speck way out in space
on the edge of a big arm of a crazy galaxy
lost in the immense eternity of it all
where does that put us?
and in this perspective
this conversation about Lethe and Attention
(earlier yesterday in the barn
i grabbed Aletheus and Wonder
as Wonder was saying that he didn’t believe things like Astrology
thought they were kinda stupid
and Aletheus was trying to figure out everybody’s everything through the charts
i pulled them together in my arms
jumping around
saying
‘ anything and everything we do is either to get attention from someone else
or to Give attention to someone… none of them are Important or Mean anything: they’re just games… we play them because we love eachother… and we want to touch, to interract… the basis of all language (or anything) is “pay attention to me! pay attention to me! I LOVE YOU!” ‘
we laughed )
amid the conversation between Altetheus, the Original Synergy and i
we came to the crux of living a life with no meaning
(i guess this is what i’m getting around to saying)
and how this was the biggest threat to health and happiness in life
but doesn’t it seem odd to manufacture a reason to live
just for the sake of being alive?
earlier, A and i had also talked of death and dying (before he told me of his recent discovery)
and i remember making a comment like
“i don’t think you’re a better person just because you can stay on the planet the longest: it’s not a contest. i think people should feel OK about going whenever it is they want to go. there are many other things to do in the universe than what can be done here…”
of course
there are things to be done here that… can only be done here.
sometimes i want to be here a thousand years
sometimes
i could blink out tomorrow.

”
it’s the thrill of control
like a blitz-kreig on the roll
”
(such horrors hiding inside)
(our own type of drama)
[drama]
segment of today:
i noticed Bumble Bee had raised his hand as a healer
(sometimes i’m amazed by everything)
and wondered what kind.
i saw him at the smoking tent
and thought to ask him
but felt stupid
or just too spacey from the ganja
so just told him i was feeling tired (and this served as reminder to myself… as i kept trying to do more and more things)
because of the elevation shift.
He told me he’d felt the same way and took some Molasses
— all the iron in it helps to oxygenate the blood
Ah! a healer.
(laughs)
—
marijuana seems to be just making me sleepy and disconnected
i don’t think it’s good for me
(even though it DOES remind me to do yoga in the best of times…)
[smoke less!]
right. smoke less.
—
i accidently pronounced myself “vyne of the eagles” today
i meant to say ” of the owls ”
but
stoned.
in a conversation with Balance
it lead to his inviting me to visit a near-by Eagle sanctuary
OK.
he also gave me a picture of two eagles from this same sanctuary (still tucked in my written journal) when i sat next to him at the Naraya
—-
i wasn’t feeling horny at all
i lay here in the tent trying to nap
— heard people fucking around me
to the west
to the north
i opened the lap top
and it was only a farce
i kept moving it back to big fat bears
over and over
til
there i was
watching a little movie preview
and i came
old habits die hard
[“just try to kill them harder”]
—–
all too often
i am forgetting where i thought things
why i thought them
who i was with when i had that conversation
where or when that even was
—
when i am stoned
or sitting in meditation
or thinking…
i’ll sometimes notice that what i’m doing is very bad.
bad sex.
i mean
i’ve been having too much sex
sex that isn’t really good
nor good for me
though it’s fun
or whatever
it’s not really Great nor nourishing
— i’m losing my standards and awareness
(grrrrr)
i don’t know what to do about this.
i see people that have totally lost their deliberation and awareness
and i certainly don’t want to emulate that
yet i’m slipping
in the back of my mind
there is a little crew who have woken up
though they are tired and often feel their work is fruitless
they are telling me
reminding me
doing their best to steer me
but i sometimes think they’re bitter
and just say and do things out of frustration
—
right now
the door to anything useful is blocked
or lost.

i’m in New Mexico now
with the faeries
http://www.zms.org/
there are many things i’ve been meaning to write about.
but
haven’t made the time.
perhaps when i leave here i’ll have a bunch written to post
either way
i’ll be heading to NYC september 1st
see you then
…dominic

Sometime…
… in October
of 2002
i was in Amsterdam
— it was only for a short time
, with eli
When i was a teenager
i fell in love with films
they often had subtitles
places very far away
with situations
so poignantly real
it made life feel justified
as i had never felt it
in the artificial void i was fostered in.
i fell in love with long distance
i put my heart in foreign places
i hoped one day to be alive
[ i would record them on audio cassette
listen to them as i walked through the halls
of that mid-western high school blankess
— hearing all those words i did not know the meaning of
surrounded by the mise-en-scene
and the score ]
/
i arrived in San Francisco
as i once did in England
the similarties only
of leaving Indiana
after having not slept for a long time.
when i got in town
i felt like i had wings
open
i was soaring.
i decided to ask a friend if i could stay with him
— his emotional thick-ness and other qualities made me hesitant to stay with him
but i knew
that even through his annoying human story
he could often be real with me: tell the truth, listen to the truth, and occasionally speak the thruth.
i asked him if we could go out for a walk
i told him i need to see beauty; i needed to see life
— we walked down to castro
where crowds of people were protesting and making a scene
as the announcement had just been made that the supreme court had nullified the marriages that happened here between homoesexuals
i told my friend i just needed to see people being pasisonate
and i wanted to see beautiful people
i wanted to see people i knew and loved
and hug them
and just feel good and loved.
—-
there was a man i met here many years ago
— i had broke my best friend’s heart:
i realized that our relationship was based on love
— we loved eachother more than i’d ever known love
but our love came from such damaged hearts
the imtimacy we experienced and allowed eachother
only served to abuse ourselves
, , , and those we loved.
., , , . i broke his heart, and damaged his girl friend
upon a visit to SF, i went to see her… to appologize… somehow ameliorate…
after leaving her house
walking down Noe… i saw a man with bright clothes
and such bright eyes
selling flowers on the street
the truth and beauty… the reality in his eyes snapped me
and
had i been the kind
i would have cried into his arms
[but i am not that kind]
last year
i heard a lover of mine was comming to SF
to see his new
imaginary
lover
i wanted to show him beauty
and took him to see the flower seller
and all the flower seller had then
was anger and bitterness..
as me and my lover had grown…
—
i had… been thinking of him recently
and decided i wanted to see him again
there was another i had met, thought of recently, and wanted to see again
there was another i had never met, but wanted to see, somehow the attraction and subtle feeling was still caling me..
i did nothing, yet, about finding these people again
but on this walk, yesterday, through the castro, among the crowd and cops
they all came to me
i love getting what i want.
today
i made some phone calls
some of them didn’t go through
some of them didn’t go where i wanted them to go
but there were two people
like brothers
i wanted to talk with today
Eli and Nayland
i got through to Eli twice
and though he assured me he wanted to talk with me
(it was he, after all, who had asked me to call him)
now… Then
was not the time.
i called Nayland on all three numbers i have for him.
i called him many times
each time i reached a robot
which had his voice
saying
“you have reached Nayland…”
and after hearing it a few times
i yelled at my phone in the sunny california grimy streets
‘ LIAR! ‘
i saw the flower salesmen today
and today i wanted marijuana
he gave me some
and we sat and talked.
there was lots of stress flowing out of him
where i kept trying to steer it back to some beauty
— perhaps because i needed it so badly.
perhaps just to balance…
i looked at him
stoned and firey
and told him i wanted to have sex with him again
-[we had sex a while after i first met him back in 2001]-
because i wanted to have a fuller exerience with him
, perhaps go back into that blessing, that healing– more fully.
; i told him about how i appreciated him
how i met him shortly after i met Leo
and how my relationship with Leo and this man taking me to Glide
was what ‘ allowed me to enjoy christianity again ‘
but it didn’t seem to affect him much
he just wanted to have sex with me again
calling it ” the nasty ” or “the dirty”
and though i felt an attraction for him
and more… a yearning
i felt a severe pain in my heart
that that reality and honesty i once felt and was now seeking out
was dissolved in the sexual baseness of this city.
i came to the house
and moment after moment
convinced Pappadom
i must go out into the city
he didn’t want to
but upon saying i would do it without him
he said he would come with me.
so we had some bad Pizza at “escape from NY”
and then rented “Heaven”, a film written by Kristof Kryslowsky and direcected by Tom Tykwer
— we went to Samovar… a tea-house here
and though it was nice
it struck me
that everything i loved about Tao of Tea in Portland
was lacking here
that is: simplicity and love of product
supported by knowledge about every little detail…
as if everything here was just surface
no matter how much kindness was put into the ambiance…
we came back to the house
and it was only shortly
before we started watching the film
i had seen it before
in Amsterdam
with Eli
late in 2002
with dutch subtitles
though much of the film was in Italian
seeing that my whole life was like that at the time
(seeing so many events, hearing them… but not understanding the details…)
now was an oppurtunity for me to understand it more fully.
charecters of completely different lives coming together and finding they are TWins
and
finding they cannot live in a world built on lies
escape
(into …?)
i feel
somewhere
inside of me
i am surrounded on all sides
by crazies
… i don’t understand the world and all its lies
it bothers me
that i must acquese
i fear
getting destroyed by trying to live a truth
that… erradicates this… civilization
and imagine i can only choose…
to Escape.
There Is No Where To Go.
in that knowledge
follows the understanding
that
That Place Must Be Made.
i have known this
over
and over
and over again.
this Film
shows
not a place created
but a simple understanding that it is time to go
Accepting that
and
Going.
i suppose
one of the things
i will always be remembering
is
There are Too many things to Consider
and
like my own heart beating
i am not deciding, nor controlling
but am party to… am gifted…
Comes In the Charecter… of Faith.
Take my hand…

i actually wrote this a little bit ago…
i’ve been away from the computer
i’ve been up in the forest
i’ve been using my paper journal to make notes
of important things
i’d rather not forget
things
i’d like live through
and live with.
so
there are many even more vague sketches than this
but i’ll copy this here
to let you all know i’m back on the grid
will
in fact
be flying into SF in just a few hours
in the mean time
before you see my shining face
here’s a little thought i had:
of course
i have come to rest in my Zen Snideness
that is
razing everyone and their lives to trivial, empty, or imperfect trash
and though that gives a certain sense of security
it hits me suddenly
that
though i may feel secure in this nullifying of all these shattered fragments of myself that i meet
my true desire is to feel love and acceptance of them
to see the beauty in their lives
and through that witnessing
be able to bring the light through into them
giving them faith and furthuring their mission, their path, their love
Yes Yes
but i balance that against the feeling that i can’t change others’ lives
that i SHOULDN’T
and so i should love and appreciate them free of changing them
of bettering them
of nourishing them with love
loving them simply for the satisfaction of the universal energy being used for Love.
Enough
Basta
Enough
what is enough?

so, i’m dropping my computer off at the Mac store today
to see if they can fix it
and then i’m heading out of town with the family
up to the Minnessota boundry waters
from Ely up to Canada…
be back on the 10th or so
now…
a guy i talked with for MONTHS last year and then completely lost touch with is comming to pick me up!
going to get in some trouble
… but that’s alright
(wink)
see ya when i get back