Day: July 22, 2004

So
let’s get more current.
i just got out of the car.
i wrote a few sketches without context
just some content spining round my head
but for now
i have the luxury to tell you the steps.
When Leo came to visit this week
i was very tired
Michael was here
a very good fellow
i enjoyed the schisms we had
the gaps
and the synaps
there were such sparks in us
he is one of the most coherent lovers i’ve ever played with
still
we come from different vectors…
one of the things he reminded me of..
he lay on his back on the deck while i was giving the massage to my client in the other room
staring at the clouds
seeing the faces in them
and beaming them love
talking with god
saying Thank You
saying You’re So Beautiful
he was working his huge cock
and loving the faces
they would smile back at him
the trees enfolded him
he was right there with it, and he was
gifting himself to the ground.
when he held me the day before
he poured his energy into me
it felt like he was cumming
and i’m very good with people who are open-energy’d like this
to cum with them when i feel this
but he didn’t “cum”
he was just pouring love and energy into me
What a blessing!
the night he left
i didn’t sleep
i stayed up and answered all the emails i’d been neglecting
tried to arrange my coming week
anxious about the travelling
excited…
i stayed up all night!
each time i went out
the sky was covered in cloud
so i was not tempted to lay on my back and stare at the dancing deities and be seduced into dreaming with them
i stayed up
i walked around
i saw a gash in the sky of the coming dawn
it made me giddy
i’d not stayed up in a while
beautiful
new moon!
(laughs)
and in the morning light
it started to rain
i danced around in thanks…
Leo arrived late in the afternoon
and it was all a blur…
did we drink?
no
we ate cookies from the faery sanctuary…
we had some nice fish for dinner
i read to him two stories from the Samuel r Delaney book
he lost touch and drifted off
we went out to the bed and slept…
the next day i was very edgy
he was very edgy
it made for sparks
not pleasant
i found myself avoiding him
as the evening came on
i found myself angry with him
and we erupted into an argument about him eating more of the cookies AFTER having dinner
i felt like he was wasting me
wasting my time. wasting my energy.
of course
this is my own doing
i wrote a piece about it that night
i thought i posted it…
Leo said he didn’t see it when he went to read my journal
but he hasn’t read my journal since i was in Brazil
so i wonder..
didn’t i post it?
well, i know i wrote it… and i think i saved it.. it’s in the brain somewhere…
(i’ll post it again if it’s not there… and back-date it into place)
Mind…
i imagined a conversation with Samuel today
“i stopped reading for over a year… i needed to get out of other people’s thoughts and just have my own… it made it much easier to get out of my mind… where i’d always lived… and feel my body… so happy to be out of my mind…”
and then laughed about the “are you out of your MIND? — then started thinking of the Talking Heads song…. “MIND”
but i’m distracting:
What i was angry at Leo about was what i feel i’m often doing to myself
but how much more offensive to have someone else do it!
“i love you— i love you— i love you— ‘how can you love me if you don’t love yourself?’ i love you– i love you– ‘how can you love me if you don’t love yourself?’ i love you…”
so we went to bed without touching
and then brought up the anger
and it got growly
he made me feel like i owed it to him to put apart my own process whenever he came back to the house to be with him
somehow communicating if i wanted to be isolated
but not allowing me to be isolated when he came to be there with me
wanting to launch into full melodrama and say “you just don’t undestand me!”
but didn’t
i just dropped it
and we slept.
[i guess i understand better now: that i fear being with him in such intimacy when i’m feeling so terrible: everything is accountable.. more so than with people that i’m just not going to see as much of… who aren’t in my life so deeply]
upon waking
i walked around
drank some water
then went back out
and Leo appeared startled awake
i lay down and cuddled him a moment
oh, i hate this schism of love
love, i love you
(i hate you, i hate myself, i’m so tired of this, i just want to love you, i just want to love me, i just want love… but there are SO Many OTHER flavours in this ICECREAM SHOP!!!!!)
hmmm
so off he went
and i stayed stuck with my computer and little projects
i made him a new mix CD and then left for my client down near St Helena
certainly a bless’d creature
living on such beautiful land
with abundance of grapes, apples, figs, tangerines, nectarines, pears…
were i living there, i would eat only fruit in the summer!
(laughs)
it was a while before the massage started
and it was great
Oh
one of the fragment-writings i posted
was meant to include a moment of this
—
the feeling of cement scraping the back
yet the great pleasure holding me there…
the over-whelming lust of sucking him
and feeling him on top of me like that
last time we were together
he was inside me
and i came like this
–him on top of me
but i didn’t even know it was going to happen
it was like a surprise
left me bewhildered and baffled
and again, this is how i feel now
—
which also ties in with another fragment writing
he’s one of the native californians
that i often perceive as having a clue-less air about him
but of course he doesn’t
he’s got a beautiful manifestation in many ways and a good heart
but it’s the voice so void of base-root
and long pauses
it’s as if everyone born in Cali were an Aries or something
being surprised with each breath they took
and
that’s great!
but annoying if they’re doing it and i’m not
sex with him left me feeling like that
‘– Whoa! what’s going on?! –‘
…
this also ties with another of the fragments
he touched me with such longing
such deep drawing
his hands grabbing tight and pulling from their centre
without noticing that i’m not in that space
(or was he mistaking the loving massage energy i was giving for that?
or is this the same thing i do with the millions of people i connect with
but he just wasn’t realizing i wasn’t connecting with him
do other people feel like this with me?
i wish i could love everyone, but..)
drives me fucking crazy
the massage was great, though
we ate a bit of dinner
and then i headed out
late…
headed to the bakery
to meet the boy i’d been talking with
the boy who gave me lemons
interesting fellow
felt a nice connection
Friends
like school
(laughs)
i ate some of his lovely creations
and
as he be-moaned
they were mediocre
which was not of his doing– he was just using their recipes
(shrugs)
he was just using them to learn how to run a bakery so he can start his own
(grin)
i left there quite late and headed down to the town of Napa to meet a man who’d replied to one of my craigslist ads
he’d sent me pictures
of a few years ago
before he’d gotten so thin
ah, such trickery
but photos are meant to seduce, are they not?
aren’t they just to draw people in and make them want more?
so there was some conversation…
and what?
guess what – he was from Indiana
he knew Zionsville well…
(for those of you who don’t know, that’s the name of the town indiana i grew up in/near)
so the night happened, what can i say?
not much sleep
a bit of sex
that was fun and passionate
but i had to keep my distance
so even in the depth of connexion
it was a healing session for me,
not playful, fun and free.
i left early in the gray morning
driving through a surprise empty road
through the canyons
windy roads
artificial lakes
the music playing in the car
floating me along
felt my sails billowing…
i got back relatively on time
and still felt static-friction with Leo
but it was a nice hour of morning
being together
then he was off
and i had things, yet again, things to do
to pack
to get ready for this trip to SF
and LA
and IN
and MN
and perhaps even NYC
who knew?
and i was on the computer and on the computer
and a guy i knew in the area emailed me, as i was thinking about him, asking if i wanted him to come over for a bit of play
so i said YEAH!
on he was comming
and just after we confirmed
the client/guy who was giving me a ride south
called to say he was early and on his way up
and if i was lucky
the trick would be leaving before the treat arrived.
EESH!
so i got about my work getting things done
the trick never showed up
he got lost
the client/guy showed up
and instantly jumped into sex
and because i was expecting sex
and was really horny anyway
(and we’d talked of sex already)
we started playing
but i was very nervous
he looked HIV thin
and i’d asked him about his status in an email
and he’d glossed over it and not said a thing
so in playing
i was the top
though all we’d talked about before
was he being the top
it was fun
in a Pez kinda way
and in the afterglow
in the sun and sweat
i, again, brought up HIV, talked about it relating to me quite thoroughly
and looked him in the face
— he changed the subject and didn’t say a thing about himself
which angered me and made me want to be away from him
then he started the same Clingy thing
touching me all the time
always trying to suck my dick
in my way
Grrr
we headed off to Harbin
nice to be at the springs
there was a beautiful looking man i noticed as we walked towards the pools
and i remembered a phrase from some conversation:
“he’s either european or queer”
in this case, Both
we talked in the tub for a while
he was Russian
full on
and by the end of the night
we were playing out in the forest
but there
was
no
connection
and in his talk
was all apathy or disgust
so where was the joy?
the night was nice
but i felt too much disturbance
and back to the hermitage
to find the ride that i was supposed to heat to LA with had flaked on me
so i posted a new ad
and wrote a few offering
my client was equally as disturbing in the night and morning
distracted
all california “whao” voiced
hardly there
hardly there
dude, it’s alright
woke up with a canister of lube and a condomn by the bed
Yeah
Right
i scurried around the house trying to get everything ready
he lay in the sun jacking off
i poured the absinth
ate the curry
did most of the dishes
i threw it all in my bag
threw it in the car
we headed down the hill
and a girl called and offered me a ride from Larkspur
which is where he was going to drop me off
to catch the ferry into SF
what Luck
so i went with her
Miranda (a name i’ve always loved)
great conversation
nice girl
fast ride down
playing music and ideas back and forth for eachother…
and she took me for my first IN-and-Out burger
which was, really, quite good.
she dropped me off in Pasadena
at a public library
where i told Eli to find me
and called all others i knew in this city
seeing what might happen while i was here…
sitting on the steps of the library
i noticed the lights around the doors were covered in card-board
i noticed the shopping-trolley parked behind the bushes
filled with things
as i talked on the phone
an angry/scared looking old woman came out and told me to go
this was her house and she didn’t want me here
… i ignored her
i talked on the phone
she wrung her hands
chewed her face
told me i must go!
this was private property
i got off the phone and looked at her
i tried talking with her
eventually i said
“you know this isn’t private property. you know this isn’t your home. just let me wait here an hour”
no no no
she told me to go sit on the curb by the street
she told me
i said
“do you want me to call the cops?”
she turned away in anger and frustration
i got out my laptop to start writing
she asked me to go again
she asked me who sent her
i said
“god”
she turned away in frustration
i tried talking with her about where she was from
obviously German of some kind
heavy accent
but she would not open
would not yield
would not let me sleep there
(laughs)
yes yes yes
ok.
i started writing
and ants started crawling into my pants and biting my balls
Eli called
i told him
he said it was the most disturbing thing he’d ever heard
and would i please get up and go somewhere else where the ants wouldn’t bite me?
i walked a block up
to the corner of Hill and Green
and sat on the steps of the Catholic Parish Hall
writing again
listening to the broken street lamp buzzing loudly
“the world is full of noise, yeah, i hear it all the time”
what to do?
but become a part of it…
Eli picked me up
and i love him
old friend
we went into town and started walking around
started talking
all was nice
but i couldn’t stay with him
just too much stress between he and his house and his boyfriend…
so i made more calls
and found a friend to stay with
Rico
between here and there
who was a bit ill
but that was OK
i just wanted to meet him:
i’d been talking with him on line for 4 years and it was high-time.
but first
Eli and i were hanging out
i gave him an apple
we went to a bookstore
and i found myself being hung-up on things with him
he immediately started shutting down
and it made him tired
so he decided to go home
and i went to Rico’s
feeling all giddy and strange
we all understand things differently
but we all need some good rest too
and this night gave it.
gave it
yes
sleep well.
i’ll be back again soon.

there’s a red towel on the side deck here
the towel i kinda stole from Adriano in Sao Paulo
the towel i used throughout brazil
and then florida and LA
and a few other places i’ve travelled…
last: portland
the towel still has cum stains from my cumming on it when i was having sex with Billy in that beautiful forest…
the towel has been laying in the sun since i got back
well, the few hours a day when the sun hits that side deck
the towel is on an old sunning-chair
plastic straps moldy from all the rain here
the towel covers that
and hangs over the sides: it is So big (as Adriano is)
the part of the towel on the top of the chair, though, is bleaching quite nicely
… the passing of time…
but the cum stains are still very visible.
Omens
would-be positive tops
that i turn to bottoms
out of safety
delivering all my hope, glory and love
old crazy man
always dirty
always pushing a bike up the hill
but never riding it
carrying things
really heavy
always pushing that bike
or sitting there
looking really fucking tired
why are they alive?
The Lovers…
Clingy
to fall into arms
wait, why am i here?
express your intention
this isn’t what you said
and this isn’t what i want…
but your hands never leave me
and when they’re on me
they’re moving
and how can i find peace in this
when there is no attraction for me?
and what kind of love could this be from you
if you don’t feel that from me?
what food are you looking to feed off of in me?
Insecurity (what an old tale.)
nnnnn
Everyone is a complete dissapointment
it’s not enough,
it’s just a habit
it get’s me just Sick
and darling, this is it.
c n o
what was the n?
i don’t remember the name of it
the N
was it even that?
but i think i remember the idea
or
at least
AN idea
that i meant to write about:
The California Brain Suckers
This is a bad Sci-Fi novel.
“what is that sound in your voice?”
‘like, what are you talking about?’
those who were born here were devoured by spirits who exist in another plane
deamons who followed the other spirits back from Atlantis
eating the minds of the young
when they are most susceptible
before they had given possessions of their minds over to Established Organizations who have much better protection from things like this.
now
as adults
they cannot concentrate on anything
and if asked a simple quesiton
they cannot give you the answer
it’s hard for them to know one day from another
i, myself, am very much like this
but re-create myself everyday
so am safe.. in a way
but i influenced a man who had co-opted his own protection and he did not understand the way i worked
so
opening his mind up so much
left him vulnerable to these very beasts who still inhabit the land looking for prey
and he has been also made such a creature of indecision and lack of “understanding”
it’s dangerous here
i don’t know what to do
but i know i don’t like dealing with these zombies
nor worrying about my own psyche being attacked when i leave myself open and free
i fear it has something to do with the marijuana here
but it could be anything…
i must stay viligant…
i must…

i’m leaving the house ina few hours for sausilito
to take the ferry to SF
to meet a friend and copy some music
to meet a guy and give a massage
to meet a friend and go to sleep
to meet a person i don’t know
to give me a ride to LA
to lick the sweat of some beauty
to talk to my daddy
to smooth back my friend’s forehead
to stand next to my brother
and help him move
[on]
to the plane
to indiana
to helping my parent’s move [into the back yard]
to exchange some massage
to give and recieve love
to canoe up in the waters of minnessoata
and not go crazy
but help my family to
in a loving way
to come back to SF
rest a moment
or work a moment
or what else?
then get on a plane
and go to NYC
where i’ll find love and stress and work and excitement
and doors out of the city
and sleeping
and
i’m getting ahead of myself
hello, i’m on the road again