so
where are we ?
um
i’m in Forrestville
dig that, eh?
it took a while to leave Fort Bragg
and i came here
well
i came this way
specifically because i had a massage client out in Napa
but i never got there
i decided to come to gurneville to check out lazy Bear
and meet some guy i’d talked with from craig’s list
oh
everything
distracted me
i feel
so
disjointed
i didn’t do the dishes this morning
i made a beautiful lamb curry last night, a saag gosht
and some kitchari
we drank the rest of the absinth
me and the other monk…
the night just felt like floating in muscle-relaxers
laying on the divan in the front room
it was alright
the cuddling
until it turned sexual
what can i say about that?
the night before.. i f***ed him
and it just felt like it drained all of my life force out
today i made a beautiful dinner as my way of making love with the two of them
— it’s never enough
i went to hide
to write
with dosed brownie flowing through my viens
will i regret those words?
i woke late this morning
dis-jointed
didn’t do the dishes
ate the rest of the sweet bread pudding
then chocolate
then cheese cake
and slowly
slowly
left
drove down to Mendocino to post Bridget’s advertisement for the herbal program in NM in october
then back to the apartment
took a hitch hiker for a ways…
back
gone
over the mountain
so slow
frustrated
and i felt i had to stop at lake mendocino
nothing going on
then to a road-side stop
where maybe i was with jim gilson
a swimming spot by the river
but not this one
this was just teenagers
jumping off cliffs into the swift water
no
driving
i finally made it here to forrestville
was offered chicken
and an insatiable and un-controllable dog
(he yelled at it and yelled at it, obviously unable to control it.. it wanted affection)
some affection
some sex
(i was called a “woman” repeatedly)
then we drove into gurneville to see the Lazy Bears
and as we walked the streets
past all the clones
and all the guys i see every fucking time i go into the lone star (even years ago)
turn the corner; find another one there
i kept wishing i’d find nayland or thor
someone out of place
someone dead, like steve fallas, who i saw here when i first came here, back in 2000
(ah, the good ole days)
i just wanted a late-night mexican resturant
but all i found was bull-shit tourist prices
and no old friends
no one i loved and wanted to hug
just more clones from san francisco and around the world
it just made me feel lonely
just like the first time i was here
people that i knew
from the streets of SF
no one recognized me
i saw tit-pig
and thought of my friends who had had sex with him lately
and though i didn’t find any old friends
the guy i was with ran into some guy he’d fucked more than twenty years ago
and this guy had one of the most cock-tail-emaciated faces either of us had ever seen
and this guy i was with, he’d been on the verge of tears all night telling me of all his lovers who died from AIDS … and how he gets tested every three months…
and i’m whining about wanting a familiar person to walk up to me
and he gets this guy, who pinned him in about half a minute
and he had No idea who this guy was
you’ve been there?
but in this context?
oh, the whole thing made me so sad
i bought lots of chocolate
expensive
and mediocre
we walked outside
past the porn stars
past the bar again
people standing bored and dejected on the sidewalk already
people not recognizing me
but looking at me
commenting
still: i have no patience for this
i turned to this guy
and we simply agreed to just go home
and this guy has been a total recluse for over 7 years
he even had his food delivered
of course
this isn’t setting a good example for me to follow
and i know
i can’t live my life as a hermit
but every time i’m around people lately…
oh, i’ve been talking about this too much
anyway, kids
the moral of this story is
find your passion and live it:
don’t listen to the fears and the doubts as if they know what they’re talking about
they’re teachers and friends
but it’s all tricky
oh wait
i don’t understand anything right now
kids
find your heart, quick
and listen to it
trust it
love it
something
do something and make the world a better place
there’s so much room for improvement
good night!
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