Month: July 2004

Break the habit
or change it
let it grow
or force it
once walked the dark night streets of this heartland
to let myself be absorbed into the emptiness…
now there is a lot less emptiness
and i walked a lot less
tonight was misty wet
couldn’t see the moon anyway
though i know it’s quite full
he picked me up at the end of the drive way
we drove nearly around the block
to the graveyard
that friends and i would go to
to sit and smoke and sing and play
he and i kissed and sucked and prayed
there behind his car
and
both of us excited
kicking off our clothes
to walk through the wet grass
over the graves
to a huge old pine tree
to make love with him too
so much went through me
so many questions
with no answers
leaving me glowing and floating and happy
with little drops of wet falling through the needles onto us…
part of me just wanted to lay naked there at the base of the tree
fall into sleep
and then walk home when i woke
but i let him drive me
back to here
say good night to him on the messanger
and write you this note
to see where the next days lead us

I’m back in the midwest.
dig that.
it feels different
as it does every time
mostly
when i’ve come back here over the years
i’ve driven
i flew this time
landed
plop
right here
and it was all very familiar
but
like a person
like an old friend we’ve not seen in a while
it’s all grown up and i don’t know how to treat it…
i ran into an old family friend in the supermarket/pharmacy yesterday
( i was looking for Everclear… and following this really hot motorcycle boy.. )
found her in the Wine section
she recognized me instantly… though she’s never seen me with such a beard…
“so handsome, so handsome”
it was nice to see her
my mother and she used to be good friends
but… she has a drinking problem
yes…
Nice to see.
this old town…
stacks of pictures my mother left in my room
i was surprised to find
that for a short period
(a year or so?)
i was a fat kid.
i believe it was around my 8th year…
when i did nothing but play Nintendo forever
how long did it last?
not too long
i don’t remember being so chubby
(no recollection at all of looking in an mirror at such pudgy cheeks)
but i do remember looking down once
and not being able to see my dick over my belly
and it terrified me!
did i tell this tale already?
when i was a boy
i was skinny;
everyone else in my family was … not.
and they all talked about how bad it was to be fat
how ugly they were
etc…
yet…
they all stayed fat; got fatter.
they all complained about it
(which made me think Fat was bad)
and they all continued doing what made them fat
and doing nothing to change it
(which made me believe Fat meant you were Stupid)
i really didn’t like fat people when i was young
like most people in America, much around the world
it wasn’t til i was 19~20
(really really when i was 21)
that i noticed, more and more, that i enjoyed having sex with Fat people better than Muscle queens or skinny guys
how did this happen?
i was burgeoning in the Bear scene
coz i really loved body hair… and facial hair
that was it
and… on that turf, you get fat guys
i began to love the fat guys
remembering laying my little four-year-old head on my mother’s belly
she complaining it was too fat
me assuring her it was the perfect pillow
being wrapt in the soft arms, held against the soft chest and belly and legs
of a daddy bear
daddybear mommybear
mommybear comforted me, loved me and held me, warmed me: made me dinner and breakfast and snacks
daddybear told me to get on my knees and suck him: demand i fuck him for hours… or that he, Me
what a perfect syzygy of a person.
i would tell bears of my discovery
; they were often shocked
“what’s a guy as handsome as you doing with a guy like me?”
(when i was more short hair, more clean shaven… looking like a model…)
i found i loved all the little hairs:
antennae for sensuality
loving to be brushed by belly or lips or fingertips
soaking up the scents and sighs of pleasure
i found i loved the fecund belly
pregnant with possibility
potential energy waiting to be used
to birth a new story or dinner or adventure
Life
to hold my progeny
or such extra to share with me
An Obvious Trophy of their love of sensuality…
the eating of food food food
Pleasure through the body
Obvious to me:
they could make my body feel better
than someone so caught up in forcing their body to be what it’s not
of course
i was being too optimistic
and many fat guys don’t like their body
and only eat Shit Junk food coz it’s easy and they’re suppressing their emotions
but not All
and still.. it holds some truth
love and optimism are a good lens sometimes
comes from all sides…
anyway
i love fat guys now
to a fetish:
the thick thighs
OHHH!
the curve of the belly…
i’ve always been a sucker for big furry forearms and fingers
that has nothing to do with fat
just greek gods
(laughs)
Daddy (of all)
Where was i?
i found this picture of me being fat
imagined for a moment if i’d stayed that way…
but now i walk and stretch USE my energy all the time
s’alright
i’m not better than others:
it’s just my way.
strange being here with my family:
they all believe they are right.
i know this is “normal”
but it’s so frustrating.
am i this way?
i know i must be
but not to such a great extent
it’s so difficult to be around them
all believing they are right
so everyone else is wrong
blah
grrrr
the pictures served to remind me of many things
as lots of what i’ve been doing here has
always:
living in a world of memories
not all that attractive for me.
back in ’98
my father asked me to come back here and de-construct my room
(i had posters and pictures and cut-outs and so many things…
slinkies, christmas lights, collages: the room was a bastion against the boredom and blankness i experienced here)
so i did
and that trip
combined with when i left in ’97 to head west
pretty much completed my stage here
: i got rid of everything that meant anything to me
and anything that i left
i dis-empowered.
so this week will be much more difficult for all of them
i’m just floating through it.
however
there are snags:
i always think of a man i seduced when i was 14
i was looking through some things
and found his pictures
and looked at him
and thought >> is he really attractive? would you still want him? <<
and also thought that these pictures were taken in his early thirties… it's been over 10 years now…
(mmm, he's probably grown thicker)
and yes, he's heavier
i've had so many fantasies about him over time…
i remembered when i was living in Arkansas
i imagined the perfect dad/son sexual fantasy for me then
would to not have sex with him
us having separate lives
but wrestling every day
for an hour or more
and that wrestling being a metaphor for me working out all my issues in life
my body being defined and strengthened by this struggle with my "lover"
see: that's how most of my relationships are Anyway
and wouldn't it be great if it was all on the physical level?
Ughhhh
i don't know how to change that.
even today
thinking of him
seeing his pictures
my heart opened up like a swirling black hole
pain wringing the edges
so many mis-understood things swirling around the other side
i wish i could go into there
with him
and figure it out
un-tie that knot i made then
…i've done that a bit with him in the past
.. it was my last wrestling match with him that allowed me to stop being so afraid of my emotions and move towards them
— i know the physical act is a ritual
and that's how i work…
the day went on
admittedly
even last night
i looked up his father's telephone number on the internet
and called today
got his mother
and … she gave me his number
and talking with him on the phone
it seemed so out of place
: the colours didn't match
his wife answered the phone
and in the background
his daughter laughed and talked to him…
what was i calling for?
(how is your life? glad to hear you're not in jail… but you've not come out yet, hmmm?)
(i didn't say those things)
it was obvious he wanted to meet
although he made all sorts of noises about how much he didn't like hearing i had long hair and a big beard.
so we worked out a how and when to meet
and i felt the expectations start to build
and told him we couldn't be here
(my brother's cast judgements of him being just another dirty old man i always give myself to… concluding he would gladdly beat the shit out of him)
which didn't deter him at all
i was still thinking of perhaps just talking over dinner
and he asked me
"you wanna wrestle?"
what else
could i do?
so i don't know how that story will play out
how will this muse serve me now?
edging around my family
though we've been cleaning out the closets all day
i still feel they are terribly full

singing is a more natural use of the vocal cords
everything meant to be said
is meant to be sung
and everything to be sung
comes down to one note
and one sound
and when we get there
it resonates with the voice of god
and all is absolved within it

let me get back to documenting
just so you know
in my paper journals
i rarely ever wrote about what actually happened
the events, i mean
but i am specifically trying to do that here
so i write my inspired little thought things
and then
the events
sometimes they come together.
Right now
i’m sitting in my parents house in Indiana
but where did i leave the tale?
back in LA
waking in Rico’s house
where did that day take us?
i watched that movie:
Léolo
invited out to the bar for the sunday beer bust
but couldn’t bring myself to it
just can’t stand bars right now
and in LA?
ugh.
so i lay around, watched a movie
but had a date that night:
an old… Friend?
a guy i met back in ’97
who wanted to be my Sugar daddy
but that’s just not what my life had in store
so we see eachother sometimes
and we hadn’t really had sex in a while
the last time i saw him (just before brazil)
i gave him a massage and he paid me
Alright.
so i massaged him again tonight (this was sunday)
and the massage was of excellent style
(interesting at least)
he was exhausted
we collapsed onto his guest-bed
huge window looking out from the hollywood hils down onto the city at night
Beautiful and strange
the 101 a rush-filled artery until after 11pm..
we started talking
and i just rubbed his body lightly with my hands
introducing his body to my hands
clearing off the static
exploring him…
he talked
and mentioned a few times that night how he was ugly and no one wants him
and i was shocked
i mean
he’s a really tense guy
so tense, in fact, that he Never works out
but he’s got TONS of muscles
huge arms, great muscled belly, shoulders, legs
beautiful
mostly hairless
soft skin
very big, broad
not a fat belly
but definately a belly
so i had to tell him
over and over
how beautiful he was
and it wasn’t about his body at all
(though there was no “in” for me to explain it was his personality… how do you do that? i tried lightly hinting)
so i put myself into that space:
how beautiful he was
i became overcome with lust for him
which is really nice
coz we hadn’t had sex in years
and i don’t think i’d ever wanted him so badly
the passion to devour a person body and soul…
(in the spiritual world of “The One” you can eat people all you want: your asshole is your mouth; taking is giving: there is no depletion)
.. he lay there and received
got served
said it was the most amazing blow job he’d ever gotten
(laughs)
i LOVE THAT!
it was hot
and it really helped to get his energy moving…
THEN i started the massage
but not like i usually would
it just all kinda flowed around
came in strange order
different tecniques
very much for him
what he needed
right then
it was so late and we were both so tired
i didn’t think i’d give him a full massage
but… i did
i fought through the exhaustion
and worked him
it was great
he loved it
he drifted in an out of sleep
he was So smooth and calm when i finished
and he went off to sleep in his own bed
(after spending some time on his computer)
and i, mine.
nice waking there
to that view
a bit of yoga
.. i tried walking upstairs to get some water
; set off all the alarms in the house
Oops
i eventually had nothing to do
and just Waited for him
i looked around
and started judging things
ah
L.A.
this man
Beautiful
creative
driven…
but so attatched to things
and it didn’t feel like he lived there..
most everything on the walls and around
were all meant to impress people
or pay some debt of gratitude ( i imagined )
or remind him of the glories, little and big, he’d had
and i felt how i often felt
>> oh, if you could only just Let It All Go…<<
so there we were.
in a rush
off we go
down into town
and off to see Eli for the day
a nice Acai
and Eli…
(laughs)
i love that kid.
we went out to Rico's
he loved the garden
and i was ready quick enough
we made it to my brother's
to make some DVDs for Eli
and give me all of his movies
— now i can start making a web page for him.
my brother got back and was very ill
he'd got food poisoning from a mexican resturant
but
more importantly
had just been running himself ragged for two weeks
… since he found out he was moving
so his house was still a terrible mess
he had tons of boxes piled up
but tons more he had pack
and the movers were comming the next morning.
Louis drank some Absinth
and watched some of Eli's movies
then Eli left
and Louis said we were so antagonistic with eachother…
yes…: we're lovers.
and we went out for soup
talked
he went off to work
then we went off to see Donnie Darko
the director's cut.
it was nice to watch it with him
seeing where he flinched and laughed…
it was nice seeing it on a big screen
the audiance' response, the amazing sound and vision
but i didn't like it as much as the original
i wasn't so impressed with how he changed it
but i liked how much more emotionally delicate he tried to make it…
we walked out and i had to pee
my brother waited for me outside
the bathroom was full
the three urinals against the wall full
a big, tall guy at one of them
i wanted to stand next to him
but walked over to an open toilet
just to see one of the other guys leave the urinal
so walked back over
and there was Such intense attraction to this big guy
it was instant cruising
and within moments i was sucking him off in the handicap stall
he kept telling me he wanted to take me home and fuck me, yeah yeah yeah
(laughs)
it wasn't long
it was very quick
and we smiled
he took my cell phone number
and we walked out
met my brother
and walked to the car
five minutes of driving and talking with my brother
i felt such an odd tension with him
i knew he was holding back from saying something
(that is, i knew he knew what i had been up to in the bathroom)
when my phone rang
and it was that guy…
when i got off the phone
my brother Attacked.
What happens when we're being attacked?
(what is "attacked"?)
sometimes i fight
sometimes i fight for a while
til i realize what is happening
eventually
i work to disarm them
by putting us on the same level:
we're both the bad guy. we're both the good guy.
just as perfect and flawed.
you am i.
i try to come to understanding.
He was throwing judgments all over me
his understanding that everyone i ever have sex with is just a dirty old man using me and abusing me
evil
(he uses these concepts a lot)
i understood that he was very tired and stressed
and that most of this shit was HIS
but i got a message:
there is a time for play and hunt
and a time to be focused on who you're with
(especially if they cannot appreciate the play and the hunt)
like times with Trevis and Sheridan, the kids i grew up with
like times with Eli
kids of my generation just don't understand compulsive gay cruising
and i have always felt it was normal
spending time around guys in their 50's: it's what they grew up on
the first time i was in a cruising park (drunk and stoned at age 17 in Glasgow… oh)
it felt natural…
well.. what could i do?
i sat and felt it
listened to his anger
tried to understand myself
tried to understand the situation
and him…
by the end of the "fight"
i had succeded in calming him
we both appologized
and headed to bed
– he was exhausted and there was tons of packing still to do
so he asked me to do some while he slept
i felt terrible
played on the computer a bit
but had NO idea how to pack this stuff:
why take it?
wasn't the 20 boxes he had stacked up Enough Stuff?
it freaked me out
through the guilt of hours of not doing it
by 3am
i got a few boxes packed
and went to sleep…
the next day
it was Up Early
attempting to pack everything else for the movers
then Louis was off to the dentist
and i was left to continue packing
— the same odd feeling of drowning under THINGS
— i'd been living my life dis-associating myself from THINGS for YEARS
and here i was
in a stressful, time-pressed situation
buried under THINGS
and they weren't even mine
suffice to say
i did not do a good job of packing
and certainly not Quickly
the movers arrived
and were instantly exasperated
ordered a pizza
and the lead guy (israelie) was on his cell phone
the whole time
while his two Samoan helpers packed and lifted and carried away
Louis got home
mouth numb from Novicane
— the crown my father had made for him did not fit
and the Dentist kept him longer than suspected trying to jam that thing on
jacking my brother up so many times:
he couldn't talk.
Stressful
but i laughed
and kept packing
eventually
blah blah
it was all gone
but bits of detrius scattered around
and they charged my brother $4100 to haul all that stuff down them stairs and over to Michigan
my brother was crushed and pissed off
and i left him to peace while i went for a walk on the beach
when i got back
he was napping and i cooked him dinner
(laughs)
oh… Wait… it was That night we went to see Donnie Darko
— the past is so nebulous behind me.
it was that night we had Thai food
i entroduced my brother to coconut-lemongrass-chicken soup
— he was in love
he went off to work for a few hours
then we went to see the movie?
oh order, where are you?…
we slept
…
in the morning
he was off rather early again
headed to the office
his last day of work
lots of stuff to do.
i lay around
slept in
re-installed my operating system
(when i let my brother borrow my computer earlier in the year it went a little fuck-wacked and the CD drive is screwed up: i've been trying things to fix it…)
and got all crazy talking to people on line in my bored hornyness
Louis came back for lunch:
more curry
and then he went off
and then my samoan friend came
and though the sex was fun
and he LOVED it, the first thing he said afterwards was
"wow, that was SO much better than jacking off"
and though i understood the compliment
…
he said he wanted to take it slow and spend time with me
but was there all of a half hour…
i got back to cleaning and organizing
and then that beautiful norweigen man who i'd seen in a porn video
but was so full of life and love and excitement and yet STILL naiveté at 68 years old
i loved interacting with him in all ways
–he took me to Eli's
where i left tons of Food for him to eat
that my brother would have thrown away
and was terrified at watching him and his boyfriend interact with eachother
then off with this guy i'd met at the theater
who i THOUGHT would be so much fun
we had some mediocre mexican food
and then off for sex
let me sum it up for you
afterwards
when i was in his bathroom
shitting
and preparing for a shower
i noticed a tube of some Product on his shelf
called "Maintain"
this guy
he said he was going to fuck me all night
and gave me seconds.
this "maintain" was to be rubbed on the dick to numb it so you could last long
(hangs head and sighs)
oh, if only people could experience their lives, la la la
[i've been holding that in my head for Days… Maintain… GOD!]
he drove me back down to Louis's
who called me at 3:47am
ten minutes away from his house:
he'd JUST gotten home from work
and was totally stressed
Whoo HOO!
and though it was Last Minute
which is True Sowinski Fashion
we made it to the airport
and on the plane
to indiana.
Where was i?

the sour of the bread
having been wrapt in plastic for
how many days now
of travelling?
the sour of yogurt i made last week
no
there’s something before that
…
tell me:
where was that?
where was i when i payd 20 pence?
or 2 rand?
what was it?
was it 2 yen?
i drank the yogurt through a straw
and was made to return it to whom i bought it from
carrying around the little glass container: i wanted to keep it
but the return is built into the price
that is: you’re not allowed to walk off with it
drink it right Here.
how old was i?
i feel like i must have been 7
or 15
but not the 15 i lived through
the 15 of 50 years ago
or was i 12?
could i have been 17 in england?
it must have been
when else
in this life
have i debased and confused myself so thoroughly to be innocent to that degree?
such wonders opening themselves
through the punctured purple paper lid of a glass yogurt container
plastic straw sticking through
empty
and such a grin on my face…
i left the house Days ago
and though i’d wrapt the bread in plastic to keep it safe in the freezer
i forgot to transfer it to a paper bag for travelling…
i forget so many things…
i forgot things needed to breathe
or they ferment in themselves
turn so sour
so rancid
yet they are still a comfort to eat
at those times
when all else also feels that way
what is there to compare?
the fan has been blowing wind on my face while i watch this film:
Léolo
whatever i have in my moustache…
i’d sucked that cock
so locked up in pants
it’d gone sour as well
the cheesy-yeast smell of thighs forever pressed into balls and foreskin
musking my face
i washed it with some soap he had
and what is this now in my beard?
this smell
like the miracle compound my mother gave me to de-tox years ago
that made me have reched diarreah and vomiting every day while i took it
a sour/sweet/pungent odor
now i can’t get rid of it;
the wind keeps blowing it my face…
so many things i’d forgotten:
the family of what we deem insane
the fear of following that
the obsession of blame
in isolation
writing in the journal every day
and the little boy in this story
rips them out and throws them away every day
and is that akin to these emails?
to these journal entries?
in the film
a man went through the trash
developing a relationship with the boy
by reading his poetry
in this great trashpit of cyberspace
some wade through these scraps and find treasures
gorgeous
as life is
i culled a few things from the movie to share:
{ female voices in latin christian chorus
give way to the Rolling Stones singing
“you can’t always get what you want”
when a 12 year old boy bets the other boys
5 bucks (canadian)
that he’ll fuck a cat.
the text is: }
Tonight Buddy Godin will be late for home.
His mom will check his fingers.
She’s worried her son might be smoking on the sly.
No, Mme. Godin
your son fucks anything that moves,
his dick is eaten by disease
he swallows any pill he can
just to forget you.
That bath you force him to take
before church on sunday,
just serves him
to prostitute himself with his hockey coach.
White meat sells better.
But no, don’t worry, he doesn’t smoke.
It makes him choke.
.
Sex I discovered between ignorance and horror.
Deep down, we all knew money was just a pretext…
and that he’d do it anyway.
(the music fades into buddhist monks chanting deeply)
For betting just defanged the fear.
The poor cat didn’t defend herself.
she’d been declawed.
Mme. Ouimet took good care of her curtainls.
How lucky you are, Miliou
Tintin didn’t have Buddy Godin for a neighbour.
(the scene ends by focusing on a cross on the wall while the sound of the cat screaming is heard)
———–
Because i dream, i am not.
because i dream
i dream.
because at night, i abandon myself to my dreams…
before i’m left the day.
because i don’t love…
because i was afraid to love
i no longer dream.
i no longer dream.
—–
You my lady
bold melancholy
solitary cry piercing my flesh,
offering it to ennui,
Haunting my nights
when i don’t know
which way my life should go
i have paid you back a hundredfold
the embers of the dream
left behind the ashes of a shadow of a lie
you told me to hear.
the white serenity
minute of eternity
was a dark-haired wicked waif
who pierced my sorrow with a sharp
and sacred breast
leaving only the remorse of seeing the sun
rise on my solitude
—
“and i shall rest my head between two words
in the valley of the vanquished”
Léolo

when you read these
can you see where i’m tricking myself?
and if you can
are you able to tell me?
point them out… let me know… make it clear?
and if you can
are you able to see where you’re tricking yourself?
and if you are
can you make it stop?
or do you want it?
would you like to get together?
work this out as friends… as lovers?
is that a bad thing?
a dependance to be shamed?
or is that the preciousness which we really seek?
and if love is pulling eachother into perfection
(like cyropracting… like salt water taffey)
what is a lazy sunday afternoon for?

“a murderous desire
for love”
what makes it so i dream of robert?
such bitterness
standing with his new lover on a beach
watching the water smash against the rocks
the rainbow umbrella algae puffing in all its beautiful colours
me making a million snide comments…
“oh, when i was with him he wasn’t like that.
oh yes, he’s got ton’s of things he TALKS about doing”
grrrr
he was famous
and apparently he went by many different names
and everyone knew him
and i was still torn between wanting to be with him
and hating him for not calling me back to him with love
wanting to work out our lives and dreams together…
but
before that
weren’t we in a resturant?
me with one of my friends
and Robert’s new lover, Cliff?
instead of bitching
silently slamming my head against the table as Cliff and my other friend talked.
What’s going on?
i’m dreaming again.
Why am i dreaming of robert?
The Absinth and the movies are not to blame
is everyone in LA obsessed with Movies?
good?
not good.
not as interesting as what happened before
(and, oh fuck, what i’m going to do to myself today)
i’d gone out two days before
to meet up with a guy in Silverlake
but couldn’t get him on the phone
(i drove round and around with the man i was staying with, him telling me what LA used to be like, what used to be there, what that was; how he used to go out, but doesn’t so much now)
so met up with another instead
Thug Letters tattoo’d on his belly
“B F A”
“bad fucking additude”
but he’d just had a big sitting laughing buddha added below them
on his big buddha belly
HA!
he knew a faerie friend from long ago
Spiral
and we all had lunch together
which mostly served to make me feel
yet again
how i was becoming more and more a cynical monster (again)
(despite my wishes)
there was talk about dissapointment
but i was the winner
and it went from there to some conversation
“mother died”
“chocolate”
“best job of my life, though”
“LA isn’t what it used to be”
but where is?
they dropped me off at what they said was a really good used bookstore in Hollywood: Counterpoint
it was terrible.
so i walked out the door
and realized i was RIGHT where Russell used to live
that is
where i first came to stay in LA
across from the Scientology Celebrity Centre
Ugh.
i made some phone calls
couldn’t do anything that really felt good.
but i remember at the beginning of the phone calls
i was sitting in the shade on some steps of a little driveway
and i talked about how great the day had been
how sunny
surprise old friends
hearing the changes of people’s lives
the tale of the city
unfolding
blossoming
rotting on the vine…
by the end of the last conversation
i was walking through Hollywood (walking through LA anywhere kinda has this effect of me, but specifically Hollywood)
and getting more and more desperate and sad
to the point that i was talking with the same person
but an hour later
and telling him how much i hated this town
(laughs)
i walked into Boarders books while i was still talking
and wandered through the Sci Fi while i was ending the conversation
eventually he was asking me driving directions around Manhattan in rush hour
and saying he felt really bad not being able to be where he was supposed to be
when i pointed how he was just lying and i was over talking with him now
he’s pretty good and picking up on when to get off the phone with me
… once i’ve gone over my threshold.
i found some books i wanted
but i didn’t really want them
so i went to find Lao Tzu
found him
but his section was a deplorable mess
Tao mixed with porn and yoga and a million other things it didn’t belong with
so i started the process of collecting the Tao
organizing it
then delving into it
i opened the first one i picked up
(which happened to be the Ursula K. LeGuin translation i’d just heard about)
to Chapter 38
i opened every other book and compared that chapter
i was shocked at how different the translations were
yet it seemed they mostly worked on two paradigms
i flipped some coins
and decided to walk away with Two
poetries i resonated with in rather different structures
one i may keep for myself
one i may leave with my parents
both i want to read
i left
and found the first man i was to be meeting
had called me many times
so now was the time to meet him
and he came on so fucking heavy
hot
picked me up in his car
and kissed me while he was driving me round the streets of Hollywood
we went back to his house and had 1000miles-an-hour sex
not that it was over quickly
but the energy was so firey and fast we were burning eachother up
it was pretty hot
and fun
and cuddly afterwards
allover: Nice.
then he left me to take a nap!
What a great idea
i slept
and only remembered
that trying to get to sleep
was blocked by Tori Amos
and what was it?
i think it was “silent all these years”
– “year’s go by
and i’m stripped of my beauty
until finally
there is nothing left
One More Tragedy
you know, we’re too Easy Easy EASY
. So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts…
What’s so amazing about Really Deep Thoughs?
boy, you best pray that i bleed real soon: how’s that thought for you?”
why was this in my head?
i was dreaming
He woke me up and took me out to dinner
on the way out
he explained his cat
19 years old
he’d had it for 9 nears
inherited it from a friend who’d died.
the cat moved Very very slowly
the cat was blind
it felt its way around the house
up and down the stairs
would sit there and cry
as cats do
oh
dot
dot
dot
there was lots of conversation
and .. in the morning
he had to be off early
so he dropped me off to drink some Acai
and i started reading all the fluff around the Taos..
the introductions, etc…
and made a few calls
in an hour
one of them returned
and in another 40 minutes
he was there
and it was driving around in a car
and being told about the way it used to be…
went back to his house and did my morning yoga
wonderful of course
he sat there in his chair like he was watching TV
and
occasionally
would take a picture
(grin)
the sex was good
cuddling, loving
without making a big deal of it
long passionate sex
with a nice connection
that was what it was
on and off
cuddling, napping, sex
then stories of living
travelling
and what LA used to be like
old lovers…
as he took me to a Mexican Resturant out in Pasadena
and i ate a lovely machaca with amazing salsa
and as we were leaving
he caught off gaurd
i stepped backwards
and tripped over a firehydrant
falling on my ass and rolling backwards and up in the street
with only a little scrape on my left elbow
i’m only telling all of this
to denote the context
coz when i got back to Rico’s…
(where my stuff is, where i stayed Thursday night)
i felt kinda happy, tired, Nice.
nothing much to mention about it
but in just a short period of conversation with Rico
and having finished a new CD for Eli
i noticed my heart was wide open and sore
and was this from all the quick-and-drop loving i’d just been doing?
what was this?
i’d made a Cd for eli all about loving
and i wanted it to talk to him about loving
and the difficulty and pleasures
but i also wanted it to show-case a Song i’d recently become obsessed with:
“Clark Gable” by the Postal Service
which features such great lines as
“so i called you:
i need you to pretend that we are in love again…
and you agreed to”
upon burning the CD
and writing the title on the cd
not
“baby, i love you”
as the working title was
but
“and don’t forget to keep it with you”
which was a truncated version, that was supposed to be followed by “when our time is over”
i realized i was a coward
not only for these little things
but for loving people that i couldn’t or wouldn’t love
for all my relations!
loving Eli only in the safety of fantasy
being cruel to him when i’m with him because i was so scared
and then
just realizing i was scared
and what triggered all this off?
being around Rico made me want to be drunk and stoned and smoking cigarettes
:he’s really beautiful to me.
when i had just recently left Robert back in 2000
Rico had written me and sent me a little picture:
he looked very hot and very sexy
and in my mind then
reminded me of Robert
it’s been four years
and i finally just met him a few days ago
he’s even MORE beautiful than i thought
and there’s just oodles of things i love about him
i instantly found myself projecting into the future around him
of how i wanted him in my life
blah blah blah
i came back in here (the computer)
and started writing
freaking out
being really hard on myself
(not this writing, another one)
and i freaked out about Leo
in that i had to admit to myself that i don’t love him in the strange un-realistic obsessional passionate way that i do when i “fall i love with people”
but that
in staying at the house
that isn’t mine
and having him feel like i owe something to him for being in his life
(now, i would say i have to agree with that: if you have someone in your life they should respect you… but to be made to feel like it is owed…)
just made me feel like i had to flee
and faced with all these fears and harsh-self-judgements
i realized
yet again
that the next phase of my life
involves not only the exciting experience of not being a slut for a while and having “A LOVER”
but also
Living Alone
making my own money (which i’m mostly doing now)
and paying my own rent
and having my own place
and really
thinking
in america
the only place i would want to do that is NYC
because i wouldn’t have to have a car there
and i would have all the benifits of being in the city
…mmmm
couldn’t i do portland again?
no…
i think NYC or outside of america
certainly not LA
not SF
grrr
ok
i’m spinning
let me get back to the story
(laughs)
i talked this out with Rico
things came to light
and comfort was felt
we decided to have some Absinth
and then go watch a movie
“monster”
oh, justifications and “doing what we have to do”
oh.
i felt very bad after the movie
which i think is probably an OK way to feel
but i couldn’t go to sleep like that
so we put on “Twin Falls Idaho”
which i thought was just a crappy vehicle for post-model narcissists to play out more of their bullshit
i fell asleep
this morning
Robert
Fame and Failure
and waking to a Hard Heart.
is that what my dreams are serving to do?
return me to safety in the morning?
where i didn’t love anyone, nor feel remorse, regret. care.
just a bit angry
and ready to write about it
(laughs)
balancing
waking up
burned the CD for Jim too…
Daddy Jim
who needs his own daddy
and i wonder
oh
i wonder
how much longer am i going to be able to pull off all this loving
this trying
this loving
keep on
babe
keep on.

So
let’s get more current.
i just got out of the car.
i wrote a few sketches without context
just some content spining round my head
but for now
i have the luxury to tell you the steps.
When Leo came to visit this week
i was very tired
Michael was here
a very good fellow
i enjoyed the schisms we had
the gaps
and the synaps
there were such sparks in us
he is one of the most coherent lovers i’ve ever played with
still
we come from different vectors…
one of the things he reminded me of..
he lay on his back on the deck while i was giving the massage to my client in the other room
staring at the clouds
seeing the faces in them
and beaming them love
talking with god
saying Thank You
saying You’re So Beautiful
he was working his huge cock
and loving the faces
they would smile back at him
the trees enfolded him
he was right there with it, and he was
gifting himself to the ground.
when he held me the day before
he poured his energy into me
it felt like he was cumming
and i’m very good with people who are open-energy’d like this
to cum with them when i feel this
but he didn’t “cum”
he was just pouring love and energy into me
What a blessing!
the night he left
i didn’t sleep
i stayed up and answered all the emails i’d been neglecting
tried to arrange my coming week
anxious about the travelling
excited…
i stayed up all night!
each time i went out
the sky was covered in cloud
so i was not tempted to lay on my back and stare at the dancing deities and be seduced into dreaming with them
i stayed up
i walked around
i saw a gash in the sky of the coming dawn
it made me giddy
i’d not stayed up in a while
beautiful
new moon!
(laughs)
and in the morning light
it started to rain
i danced around in thanks…
Leo arrived late in the afternoon
and it was all a blur…
did we drink?
no
we ate cookies from the faery sanctuary…
we had some nice fish for dinner
i read to him two stories from the Samuel r Delaney book
he lost touch and drifted off
we went out to the bed and slept…
the next day i was very edgy
he was very edgy
it made for sparks
not pleasant
i found myself avoiding him
as the evening came on
i found myself angry with him
and we erupted into an argument about him eating more of the cookies AFTER having dinner
i felt like he was wasting me
wasting my time. wasting my energy.
of course
this is my own doing
i wrote a piece about it that night
i thought i posted it…
Leo said he didn’t see it when he went to read my journal
but he hasn’t read my journal since i was in Brazil
so i wonder..
didn’t i post it?
well, i know i wrote it… and i think i saved it.. it’s in the brain somewhere…
(i’ll post it again if it’s not there… and back-date it into place)
Mind…
i imagined a conversation with Samuel today
“i stopped reading for over a year… i needed to get out of other people’s thoughts and just have my own… it made it much easier to get out of my mind… where i’d always lived… and feel my body… so happy to be out of my mind…”
and then laughed about the “are you out of your MIND? — then started thinking of the Talking Heads song…. “MIND”
but i’m distracting:
What i was angry at Leo about was what i feel i’m often doing to myself
but how much more offensive to have someone else do it!
“i love you— i love you— i love you— ‘how can you love me if you don’t love yourself?’ i love you– i love you– ‘how can you love me if you don’t love yourself?’ i love you…”
so we went to bed without touching
and then brought up the anger
and it got growly
he made me feel like i owed it to him to put apart my own process whenever he came back to the house to be with him
somehow communicating if i wanted to be isolated
but not allowing me to be isolated when he came to be there with me
wanting to launch into full melodrama and say “you just don’t undestand me!”
but didn’t
i just dropped it
and we slept.
[i guess i understand better now: that i fear being with him in such intimacy when i’m feeling so terrible: everything is accountable.. more so than with people that i’m just not going to see as much of… who aren’t in my life so deeply]
upon waking
i walked around
drank some water
then went back out
and Leo appeared startled awake
i lay down and cuddled him a moment
oh, i hate this schism of love
love, i love you
(i hate you, i hate myself, i’m so tired of this, i just want to love you, i just want to love me, i just want love… but there are SO Many OTHER flavours in this ICECREAM SHOP!!!!!)
hmmm
so off he went
and i stayed stuck with my computer and little projects
i made him a new mix CD and then left for my client down near St Helena
certainly a bless’d creature
living on such beautiful land
with abundance of grapes, apples, figs, tangerines, nectarines, pears…
were i living there, i would eat only fruit in the summer!
(laughs)
it was a while before the massage started
and it was great
Oh
one of the fragment-writings i posted
was meant to include a moment of this
—
the feeling of cement scraping the back
yet the great pleasure holding me there…
the over-whelming lust of sucking him
and feeling him on top of me like that
last time we were together
he was inside me
and i came like this
–him on top of me
but i didn’t even know it was going to happen
it was like a surprise
left me bewhildered and baffled
and again, this is how i feel now
—
which also ties in with another fragment writing
he’s one of the native californians
that i often perceive as having a clue-less air about him
but of course he doesn’t
he’s got a beautiful manifestation in many ways and a good heart
but it’s the voice so void of base-root
and long pauses
it’s as if everyone born in Cali were an Aries or something
being surprised with each breath they took
and
that’s great!
but annoying if they’re doing it and i’m not
sex with him left me feeling like that
‘– Whoa! what’s going on?! –‘
…
this also ties with another of the fragments
he touched me with such longing
such deep drawing
his hands grabbing tight and pulling from their centre
without noticing that i’m not in that space
(or was he mistaking the loving massage energy i was giving for that?
or is this the same thing i do with the millions of people i connect with
but he just wasn’t realizing i wasn’t connecting with him
do other people feel like this with me?
i wish i could love everyone, but..)
drives me fucking crazy
the massage was great, though
we ate a bit of dinner
and then i headed out
late…
headed to the bakery
to meet the boy i’d been talking with
the boy who gave me lemons
interesting fellow
felt a nice connection
Friends
like school
(laughs)
i ate some of his lovely creations
and
as he be-moaned
they were mediocre
which was not of his doing– he was just using their recipes
(shrugs)
he was just using them to learn how to run a bakery so he can start his own
(grin)
i left there quite late and headed down to the town of Napa to meet a man who’d replied to one of my craigslist ads
he’d sent me pictures
of a few years ago
before he’d gotten so thin
ah, such trickery
but photos are meant to seduce, are they not?
aren’t they just to draw people in and make them want more?
so there was some conversation…
and what?
guess what – he was from Indiana
he knew Zionsville well…
(for those of you who don’t know, that’s the name of the town indiana i grew up in/near)
so the night happened, what can i say?
not much sleep
a bit of sex
that was fun and passionate
but i had to keep my distance
so even in the depth of connexion
it was a healing session for me,
not playful, fun and free.
i left early in the gray morning
driving through a surprise empty road
through the canyons
windy roads
artificial lakes
the music playing in the car
floating me along
felt my sails billowing…
i got back relatively on time
and still felt static-friction with Leo
but it was a nice hour of morning
being together
then he was off
and i had things, yet again, things to do
to pack
to get ready for this trip to SF
and LA
and IN
and MN
and perhaps even NYC
who knew?
and i was on the computer and on the computer
and a guy i knew in the area emailed me, as i was thinking about him, asking if i wanted him to come over for a bit of play
so i said YEAH!
on he was comming
and just after we confirmed
the client/guy who was giving me a ride south
called to say he was early and on his way up
and if i was lucky
the trick would be leaving before the treat arrived.
EESH!
so i got about my work getting things done
the trick never showed up
he got lost
the client/guy showed up
and instantly jumped into sex
and because i was expecting sex
and was really horny anyway
(and we’d talked of sex already)
we started playing
but i was very nervous
he looked HIV thin
and i’d asked him about his status in an email
and he’d glossed over it and not said a thing
so in playing
i was the top
though all we’d talked about before
was he being the top
it was fun
in a Pez kinda way
and in the afterglow
in the sun and sweat
i, again, brought up HIV, talked about it relating to me quite thoroughly
and looked him in the face
— he changed the subject and didn’t say a thing about himself
which angered me and made me want to be away from him
then he started the same Clingy thing
touching me all the time
always trying to suck my dick
in my way
Grrr
we headed off to Harbin
nice to be at the springs
there was a beautiful looking man i noticed as we walked towards the pools
and i remembered a phrase from some conversation:
“he’s either european or queer”
in this case, Both
we talked in the tub for a while
he was Russian
full on
and by the end of the night
we were playing out in the forest
but there
was
no
connection
and in his talk
was all apathy or disgust
so where was the joy?
the night was nice
but i felt too much disturbance
and back to the hermitage
to find the ride that i was supposed to heat to LA with had flaked on me
so i posted a new ad
and wrote a few offering
my client was equally as disturbing in the night and morning
distracted
all california “whao” voiced
hardly there
hardly there
dude, it’s alright
woke up with a canister of lube and a condomn by the bed
Yeah
Right
i scurried around the house trying to get everything ready
he lay in the sun jacking off
i poured the absinth
ate the curry
did most of the dishes
i threw it all in my bag
threw it in the car
we headed down the hill
and a girl called and offered me a ride from Larkspur
which is where he was going to drop me off
to catch the ferry into SF
what Luck
so i went with her
Miranda (a name i’ve always loved)
great conversation
nice girl
fast ride down
playing music and ideas back and forth for eachother…
and she took me for my first IN-and-Out burger
which was, really, quite good.
she dropped me off in Pasadena
at a public library
where i told Eli to find me
and called all others i knew in this city
seeing what might happen while i was here…
sitting on the steps of the library
i noticed the lights around the doors were covered in card-board
i noticed the shopping-trolley parked behind the bushes
filled with things
as i talked on the phone
an angry/scared looking old woman came out and told me to go
this was her house and she didn’t want me here
… i ignored her
i talked on the phone
she wrung her hands
chewed her face
told me i must go!
this was private property
i got off the phone and looked at her
i tried talking with her
eventually i said
“you know this isn’t private property. you know this isn’t your home. just let me wait here an hour”
no no no
she told me to go sit on the curb by the street
she told me
i said
“do you want me to call the cops?”
she turned away in anger and frustration
i got out my laptop to start writing
she asked me to go again
she asked me who sent her
i said
“god”
she turned away in frustration
i tried talking with her about where she was from
obviously German of some kind
heavy accent
but she would not open
would not yield
would not let me sleep there
(laughs)
yes yes yes
ok.
i started writing
and ants started crawling into my pants and biting my balls
Eli called
i told him
he said it was the most disturbing thing he’d ever heard
and would i please get up and go somewhere else where the ants wouldn’t bite me?
i walked a block up
to the corner of Hill and Green
and sat on the steps of the Catholic Parish Hall
writing again
listening to the broken street lamp buzzing loudly
“the world is full of noise, yeah, i hear it all the time”
what to do?
but become a part of it…
Eli picked me up
and i love him
old friend
we went into town and started walking around
started talking
all was nice
but i couldn’t stay with him
just too much stress between he and his house and his boyfriend…
so i made more calls
and found a friend to stay with
Rico
between here and there
who was a bit ill
but that was OK
i just wanted to meet him:
i’d been talking with him on line for 4 years and it was high-time.
but first
Eli and i were hanging out
i gave him an apple
we went to a bookstore
and i found myself being hung-up on things with him
he immediately started shutting down
and it made him tired
so he decided to go home
and i went to Rico’s
feeling all giddy and strange
we all understand things differently
but we all need some good rest too
and this night gave it.
gave it
yes
sleep well.
i’ll be back again soon.

there’s a red towel on the side deck here
the towel i kinda stole from Adriano in Sao Paulo
the towel i used throughout brazil
and then florida and LA
and a few other places i’ve travelled…
last: portland
the towel still has cum stains from my cumming on it when i was having sex with Billy in that beautiful forest…
the towel has been laying in the sun since i got back
well, the few hours a day when the sun hits that side deck
the towel is on an old sunning-chair
plastic straps moldy from all the rain here
the towel covers that
and hangs over the sides: it is So big (as Adriano is)
the part of the towel on the top of the chair, though, is bleaching quite nicely
… the passing of time…
but the cum stains are still very visible.
Omens
would-be positive tops
that i turn to bottoms
out of safety
delivering all my hope, glory and love
old crazy man
always dirty
always pushing a bike up the hill
but never riding it
carrying things
really heavy
always pushing that bike
or sitting there
looking really fucking tired
why are they alive?
The Lovers…
Clingy
to fall into arms
wait, why am i here?
express your intention
this isn’t what you said
and this isn’t what i want…
but your hands never leave me
and when they’re on me
they’re moving
and how can i find peace in this
when there is no attraction for me?
and what kind of love could this be from you
if you don’t feel that from me?
what food are you looking to feed off of in me?
Insecurity (what an old tale.)
nnnnn
Everyone is a complete dissapointment
it’s not enough,
it’s just a habit
it get’s me just Sick
and darling, this is it.
c n o
what was the n?
i don’t remember the name of it
the N
was it even that?
but i think i remember the idea
or
at least
AN idea
that i meant to write about:
The California Brain Suckers
This is a bad Sci-Fi novel.
“what is that sound in your voice?”
‘like, what are you talking about?’
those who were born here were devoured by spirits who exist in another plane
deamons who followed the other spirits back from Atlantis
eating the minds of the young
when they are most susceptible
before they had given possessions of their minds over to Established Organizations who have much better protection from things like this.
now
as adults
they cannot concentrate on anything
and if asked a simple quesiton
they cannot give you the answer
it’s hard for them to know one day from another
i, myself, am very much like this
but re-create myself everyday
so am safe.. in a way
but i influenced a man who had co-opted his own protection and he did not understand the way i worked
so
opening his mind up so much
left him vulnerable to these very beasts who still inhabit the land looking for prey
and he has been also made such a creature of indecision and lack of “understanding”
it’s dangerous here
i don’t know what to do
but i know i don’t like dealing with these zombies
nor worrying about my own psyche being attacked when i leave myself open and free
i fear it has something to do with the marijuana here
but it could be anything…
i must stay viligant…
i must…

i’m leaving the house ina few hours for sausilito
to take the ferry to SF
to meet a friend and copy some music
to meet a guy and give a massage
to meet a friend and go to sleep
to meet a person i don’t know
to give me a ride to LA
to lick the sweat of some beauty
to talk to my daddy
to smooth back my friend’s forehead
to stand next to my brother
and help him move
[on]
to the plane
to indiana
to helping my parent’s move [into the back yard]
to exchange some massage
to give and recieve love
to canoe up in the waters of minnessoata
and not go crazy
but help my family to
in a loving way
to come back to SF
rest a moment
or work a moment
or what else?
then get on a plane
and go to NYC
where i’ll find love and stress and work and excitement
and doors out of the city
and sleeping
and
i’m getting ahead of myself
hello, i’m on the road again

“you can turn the city upsidedown
if you want to
but it won’t
keep you dry”
nice dinner
there was white wine
he drank
there was red wine
i had some too.
when i was 17
in england
i drank a lot of wine
… and other things
i realized wine… and alcohol in general
made me Mean
my father made jokes that specifically preyed on people’s weaknesses
that’s what i do when i drink…
so that’s where we were
and i remembered i needed to talk with my brother tonight to discuss some things…
so we talked for a while
by the time i got off the phone and found Leo
he’d eaten half a marijuana cookie i got from a farie gatheirng
well, he ate more than half
there was only half a cookie left of the one and a half there
he was giggly and quite proud of himself
half a bottle of white, half a bottle of red
i was angry at him
that he ate “MY” cookies
so late at night
(when he’d just fall asleep: he’s ALWAYS tired)
and after a large meal
the drug wouldn’t even hit him til he was passed out
but what could i do?
then he proceeded to have munchies
wanted desert
ate a 1/3 a pint of chocolate icecream
i was having vanilla
i put it away after i’d dished mine out
he grabbed the pint
and started eating it:
the ravenous consuming of the pointless…
i started reading some of “tales to the city to him”
to keep the pissy dialogue from continuing
i read six or seven chapters
and he was asleep
so i stopped reading
and
like always
he denied having fallen asleep
Fine
i was angry
he said “what what what?”
i told him
“i don’t like the feeling i’m being wasted”
it glazed over him
and in less than a minute
he’d asked me some other playfully pissy banterish thing.
i feel like i have so much to give
so much to learn
so much to do
and to have someone around that i feel like i need to entertain
be it sexually or otherwise
(and the sensual pleasures would be enough… if they were something to talk about)
and get Nothing back from
is so upsetting to me
and i don’t get nothing back
i get this room in this house on top of a mountain
i don’t know what else i get
it makes me sad i’m feeling like he’s a waste
like i feel like any relationship is some terrible trap or toilet
oh
i wish
heart— Heal
oh
i wish…
such desires and dreams
what did i write
on the nothing-sex-site?
“i want co-creators. making love… making life together…”
ugh
a million hours of nothing
blowing in the wind.
heart full of ashes.
when the fun-puppy is panting by my side
and i just kick it

Where did we go?
start with just the map
the skeleton
.
woke early
snoring
can’t go back to sleep
not so early
hmmm, ok
answering Some Emails
some friends made me laugh
nice soft warmth in my heart
eventually we were both awake
and i was eating grapefruits
and deciding to go to the hot springs
but the decision was changed
and we went off to mud baths
there was all sorts of reticence
but i’m a flexible one
and wanted to experience the mud anyway
…
it was clay and peat!
my body floated as it wanted
hot pockets of sulfur-y hot mineral water pooled around anywhere i moved
it was like getting gently massaged
i let my imagination take me around
and gorgeousness
it loved me and kissed me eventually got too hot
we’d asked for extra time
but enough was enough
and then for showers
and then for soaking in just hot mineral water
then a strange hot box
like a chinese take away
steaming
burning the place on my balls where his teeth had scraped…
then she wrapt me a sheet and put me on a table in a quiet room
and i drifted off into dreams…
we ate some mexican food
one burrito between the two of us
i felt bad we had three baskets of chips and five salsas…
i have an in-built-guilt about ripping off poor people.
(shrugs)
we headed back up
got to the house
and i proceeded to take some space for myself
get the house a bit organized
cleaned a few things
set it up for my client who was to be arriving
— we waited
when he finally made it
we chatted a bit
and went into the room to start it
(laughs)
now he and i had met by cruising eachother on the street in SF back in april
and he’s from louisiana and now lives in DC
not really my type
but hot anyway, so hey…
so he got here
all hard and wanting to top me
i enjoy playing with him
and getting him off twice
(but not with my ass)
then we were ready to start the massage
but i realized at this point, we would be eating dinner at about 11:30 (now, actually) if i waited to start cooking when i was finished
so i started the Kitchari
asked my friend to turn it off in an hour
and started the massage…
ahhh, so many ideas went through my head
and i won’t go into full detail of it now
just a sketch
but all the stories i’d love to tell of all the massages i’ve given
the five hour massages (didn’t they used to be “four hours”?)
every time i give a massage, if i’m centred
i learn something new
His body was teaching me about gentleness
he told me his massure in DC (a brazilian) said he sounded like a woman when he moaned
i always encourage moaning in my clients: it shows they’re feeling something and expressing it: releasing it.
then he asked me why i made big exhales…
as the massage went on: it became clear to me:
i function as a conduit
to let energy flow through me into the person:
love, healing, guidance and support…
while also letting energy flow out of them through me
— many things we cannot heal on our own: we need a friend… a lover
and i need to remain clear in order to keep flowing
i sigh deeply often when i’m massaging
as if big things are moving through me
and
like in yoga
i am helping them move…
and it snags things in me that are stuck
and gives me the chance to understand them different:
Mike, who’s visiting me here, big bear
many belief systems that i know, but don’t agree with
much like my family
much like many many people in my life right now
when i was in my late teens
i had the desire to only have people in my life that had similar ideas to me
and i sought them out
and moaned that i didn’t have enough
and that i even lost those that i thought resonated with me
now i feel very alone in my belief system
and was shown
that
in my re-acceptance of my family
i am permitting it even more to have people in my life that are just very different than i
people to be friends with
but not exactly co-creators
…
just living every-day-living
not the magic i desire.
i got to tell the story twice today
of how
when i was a child and offered the options of being a doctor or fireman or lawyer or baseball star
i just wanted to be a wizard
not an astronaut nor soldier
but a wizard
wanting to know the magic stones
walk ley lines
travel between realities
know telepathy and telekenises
the magic herbs and symbols…
i wondered if once i was walking the path to being in the illuminauti
that is
the people who aren’t people
who are hardly connected ever with the “normal” people of the world
and almost “live behind the scenes” most of the time
the living people of legend
yes
i did not want to be a pop star
i wanted to be a myth
i wanted to be a god.
gandalf. poseidon. atreyue. heimdall… odin…
“we all have dreams… you more than most… but don’t worry: i’ve got your back”
[he didn’t]
what do we do when we’re not supported by the world we know
and the world we dream of and imagine
we don’t know how to reach?
even when we could see the doors
didn’t know how to walk through them
even when our friend said “come”
didn’t know how to walk with them..
wandering around in the audiance
waiting for the show to start
while everyone back stage is waiting for the lead actor
life at a stand-still.