anger
seething anger.
i arrived Home yesterday
to see that one of our Neighbours
had bulldozed our drive way.
he thought he would redirect the Road.
(now, let it be said, i live on a dirt road in the mountains of the meth capitol of california, but…)
apparently
the road goes through his property
and he doesn’t live there
but wants to sell it
and thought he would make more
if he directed the road down our driveway
and then cut a path through the forest
around his property
( w h a t t h e f*u*c*k* ?)
not only is it ugly
he took the little statue of St Francis who-knows-where
and killed all of the medicinal herbs i loved
that grew there after the firemen cut the trees down for safety
and then burnt them
my favourite plants from the area grew back in those trees place
and now they’ve all been killed by this greedy ignorant fool
who thought he would “get away with it”
oh, and he broke the water-pipe for all the people on the hill
stupid!
now, not only is he stupid
but the president of our country is stupid
in very similar ways
an not only he
but people of the world in general
and not just us people of the world in general
but the history of our race back thousands of years
and what i want to know is
how the hell can God let such stupidity reign supreme?
and when did i start believing in God with a big “g”?
and when did i start care about all this stupidity again?
i’m so angry!
i’m so fucking angry!
i’m angry about everything
and i cannot escape it
the chemical haze over the valley on such a pristine beautiful day
the fact that all of the vineyards are not only pumping chemicals into the air
but stealing all of the ground water
and selling it to places very far away
the fact that this valley that i am looking out over
used to be a lush red-wood rain-forest
and 100 years ago
they cut down ALL of the trees
drained the lakes
and turned it into a desert.
STUPID!
GREEDY!
WHY?
i prayed to God
and asked him to annihilate the human race.
i talk with someone on the phone and tell him this
he tells me it’s a good thing that God doesn’t exist.
and if he does, he won’t listen to me.
which i know.
i’ve made this mistake before
it nearly killed me
it’s nearly killed me a few times
and as i talk with Leo about it through the day
it becomes clear to me:
it’s all about my Dad.
i kick my dad out of my life.
things get better
i feel retarded for being attracted to father figures and not working on my relationship with my real dad
and so try to get my dad in my life
and work on it
and whenever i do
i get really angry
and hate myself
and get sick.
shit, i wrote it perfect in an email to a friend today:
it’s the anger that makes me sick
and i’m tired of being sick for this anger
i’m tired of being sick for this self hatred
i’m tired of being sick for trying to love someone who doesn’t love himself.
i called my dad and told him i cannot have in him in my life
if he will not accept me for being gay
( our most recent relationship has been Ok…
not really great, but tolerable. but he gave me one condition:
i must never mention anything at all about being gay.)
Not Ok anymore
i call him and tell him he has to choose to accept me
i know he can do it
he has to
or i’m out of his life
coz i can’t do this to myself
i need love
and to cut it out of myself
so that he will… TOLERATE me
is such a raw deal
fuck that.
he says he cannot
so i tell him to call me back when he can accept me
as i lay on the bed outside
after having sleepishly accepted strawberries and cream from Leo
( i wasn’t thinking )
feeling nauseous from the dairy i’d not been eating for a week
(i’ve been on a fruit diet the last three days)
then feeling angry
then trying not to feel angry
then getting angry at myself for trying to control my emotions
shutting my eyes tight and trying to just let go
my eyes flickered open and looked at the stars
what’s the name of that one? “Arcturus”?
i stare up at the sky enjoying the beauty and wonder of it
my eyes get heavy
and i start to drift into sleep
when the telephone starts ringingringingringing
i jump up
and it’s my brother
whom i blather at for a while about my lap top
grrrr
and then tell him about dad and how i’m not going on the family canoeing trip
he tells me he’s already talked to dad
and how dad had a totally different take on it:
dad doesn’t want me to talk to him about Sex
dad never said the word “Sex” when talking with him
and maybe because he’s scared of the word “Sex” when it’s in context with me.
but my brother is straight, so it was safe to say
is it all about sex?
well, i’ll call him back and let him know it’s not about sex
i don’t need to tell him about about blow jobs and hot tops
but i do need to say “I love him” and that’s what’s important to me
sometimes
the morning after
like now
i wonder what yesterday was about
emotions are always an enigma to me
it surprises me at all that people know how to use them
or feel them
or be in them
or share them
or whatever
and
somehow
i don’t
other times
i understand
most people don’t know how to either
and i’m actually better at it than some.
what’s really important in the world?
just to be validated for being who you really are by people you choose to love
maybe that’s all it is
and some people need lots of validation
and don’t know how to choose who to love
so they make art and writings and web pages
and just go for love from any direction…
but it’s not as good, i imagine, as love from specific people
i’m afraid i’m not really an authority on that one
though i am a burgeoning dillantant
and someday
i’ll be able to write a chapter in a book about it.
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